Finding Peace in Truth

I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to be writing this post. But I have also been praying to feel more connected, to feel more whole and complete, to recognize my blessings, to know the Lord's will for me. And as I sat here just a bit ago writing in my journal, and then catching up on facebook, the idea of writing this post came to me. So I'm following up on that thought.

I'm not even sure I know what I want to say or how to say it.

But if you are here at my blog reading this (for the first time), you likely also read the "about me" section and blog description. So I guess it's kind of already been said.

Many people in my life know I'm gay. My family knows and a few close friends, as well as some acquaintances in the "gay community" and elsewhere. But for the most part, I'm still mostly closeted. I don't share that part of my life much. I don't particularly hide it, but I also don't usually bring it up in conversation even if the timing feels okay. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. Those who do know have been absolutely, amazingly wonderful. Thank you. However, fear of rejection is certainly still there.  Fear of trying to explain that although I am indeed gay, I am also very happily active LDS and live those standards the best I can.

So, yeah. It can get complicated. And sometimes I just don't want to try and explain all that. And then there's that little nagging thing that comes up for me much too often - fear of being judged, or worse, misjudged. Judged by the LDS community for being gay. Judged by the gay community for remaining active LDS. However, I guess if someone wants/needs to judge, that's none of my business.

So, despite that fear, I felt it was time to publicly "out"  myself. For what reason, I don't fully know. What I do know is this:

• I am a daughter of God. He knows and loves me exactly the way I am. 
• The Savior does indeed live. He has called prophets and apostles in this time (as in times of old) to lead and carry forth His Church and Gospel to the world. 
• Joseph Smith did indeed see God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ in the flesh. Through him, the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ was brought to light, and Christ's church was fully restored to the Earth.
• I am not, nor have I ever been attracted to men. But oh how I've tried. I've tried and tried, because it would sure make life a lot easier. Alas...
• For whatever reason, I am a gay woman.  

And believe it or not, that has been one of the most amazing blessings in my life. Because it has caused me to seek out my Savior time and time and time again. My relationship with Him has been strengthened as I have struggled to make sense of the life before me. There are still so many things I don't know. So much that still brings hurt and heartache. But I love and trust in the Lord. He is my strength. He is my redeemer. His spirit brings peace in the most unlikely times and places.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you."

This Is Me

I am, first and foremost, just me. I am a daughter of God, and learned several years ago what that means to me. I saw myself, at least a glimpse of, the way my Father in Heaven sees me. It was a wonderful, sacred experience.

I have never wavered in my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know God has a plan for me, for all of us. I know this plan, called the Plan of Salvation, is real. As real as anything. I know my Savior lives. I know He has established His church once again on the earth and it is led, as He has always led it, by Apostles and Prophets. I know obedience brings peace and blessings. I also know it isn't always easy to be obedient. Which is why the Savior came to the earth, lived a perfect life, and then took upon Himself all the sins of mankind. Why He performed the Atonement, suffered in the garden and died on the cross. I also know He rose again, and because of that, we all will.

I know we have all been given the wonderful gift of agency. We fought for it in our pre-earth life. It is this gift that allows us to learn, and grow, and change, and make mistakes, and choose differently again. It is this gift that I exercise everyday. I have a choice. And my choice has always been towards my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by the LDS church.

Early on in my discovery of my orientation, even before I really understood it, or accepted it as real, I knew that I did not choose it. At the same time, I knew that I could choose how to respond to it. Because of my testimony and beliefs and knowledge of the Gospel, and the purposes of life, I knew that I could never leave the church to pursue a gay lifestyle.  I never imagined I would even have what constituted a partner. And when I found myself in that place, with a person I truly loved, I still chose to follow God's laws.

I have never regretted choosing the gospel. I can't imagine I ever will. It is me. It is who I am. I am a part of it and it is a part of me. But some days are hard. Not hard to stay true to my testimony, but hard feeling more isolated and alone than I'd like. Some days I feel very at home in a group of LDS folks, other days all I want is to surround myself with a group of lesbians. Or a group of people who know me - my testimony and my orientation and are okay with both.

Here We Go

I guess it's about time to start sharing a bit more about me. I have some great people in my life, but sometimes I just need a place to share other thoughts and ideas. I think it's important to be open and honest about being gay and choosing to be true to my personal convictions, even when those might not fit perfectly together.

But...I'm not the best about sharing things like that in person. I know. Maybe kind of hypocritical. But honestly, I'm not in a place right now that being that open would do good. It might not be the best time. That time will come, however. So in the meantime, here I am in blogger land.

I know many people have very strong feelings about this issue - on both sides of the table. But I'm sure I'll get into those as time goes on. Right now, I just wanted to say that I am here. I am happy. I am LDS. I am SSA.