The night Kim and I returned home from our honeymoon, the Bishop stopped by with a letter inviting me to a disciplinary council the following day. This wasn't unexpected. I knew it was coming. So I jotted some thoughts down to share during the council.
***
What does the hand-book say? If my situation does not fall under one of the "shall be excommunicated" situations, then please look on me with your heart. Look on my heart, soul, desires to serve my Heavenly Father and my testimony. Look on me and the person you know me to be. Consider my love for the Savior. Consider my desires to stay active and involved, and a part of this church and congregation.
I'm not asking to receive a temple recommend. But the questions asked for a recommend are not questions for church membership. Many people who cannot attend the temple are still members, some inactive with no desire to serve and be a part, some active and still serving with the desire to do so. That is my desire as well; to stay involved and serving however the Lord desires.
Perhaps you are under the assumption that gay, married individuals cannot remain members of the church, or serve in callings. But consider the Bishops in other wards and locations - they have individuals who have same sex partners and spouses who are still members, and who are serving in various callings. Because their Bishops are more concerned with the individual and the desires of their hearts to serve their Heavenly Father, then they are with interpreting policy.
Leaders of the Church are calling people to "come back", "we need you", "we want you here". But then this is what they face if they answer that call. Are they saying "we want you here, but you must not live/be your true, honest, authentic self"? Or are they saying "we want you here regardless of where you are on your path/journey"?
Those of us who want to be here, who strive to stay active and involved are being removed, punished, disciplined, while those who have left of their own accord are being left alone, or being called to come back. But at what risk?
Again, I am not asking for a Temple recommend, just to retain my membership. So I remain part of this community, able to serve, able to do family history and prepare names for the Temple.
Finally, again I just ask if the hand-book does not say my situation
"shall" be excommunicated, then I ask you to look on my heart, who you
know me to be, my desires to serve my Savior. And then decide if there
truly is no place for me here.
***
More to follow.
Showing posts with label Testimony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Testimony. Show all posts
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Friday, October 18, 2013
An Unexpected Answer
If you’ve been following my blog much over the last little
while, you know some of the angst I’ve been feeling – more so lately in the
last year or more.
And over the past week, I’ve experienced a huge shift in focus. A new and unexpected piece to the puzzle of my life.
Something this big can’t, and didn’t just happen overnight. It has been at least two years in the making.
After I turned 40, I remember lying on my bed and thinking, and crying “Is this all that there is for me? If this is what my life, for the next 40 years is going to be like, I don’t want it.” And really, I had only been dealing with these things consciously for the past 10 years. During much of that time, my life has been a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions as I persisted in the idea that the decision I made, once I realized I was gay, to live a celibate life, was the right one. When I found it wasn’t working for me, that I was spiraling downward once again, I figured I just needed to be more patient, have more faith and that it would, eventually, all make sense and get better.
But that day, lying on my bed, I was overwhelmed with the thoughts and feelings of how in the world I was going to squeeze 40 more years out like that – alone, lost, hurting so deeply, confused. I need human connection. I'm not just talking about the few close friendships I have. They are wonderful, to be sure. But they can't, simply by their nature, fill me in the deep, soul connecting ways my soul craves. The need to belong to someone, and them to me. That is what I crave. What I have always craved. What the human soul searches for. And again the idea of living my life in a way that won't allow that made me not want to live my life at all.
But since I thought I had no choice, really, if I were to have the full love and support and acceptance of the Savior that was the only choice I felt I could make. But there was also a huge unbalance there. Because I also knew He wanted me to be happy. To live my life fully. But as I lay there on my bed, I knew I wasn't doing that. And I couldn't see how to do that.
My feelings were often so low, that many times over the past several years, I just wanted to swerve the steering wheel and drive over a cliff. Or hope that some semi would smash into me.
I would rather not be here, than be here persistently feeling this way.
I felt this would certainly be much simpler to deal with on the other side where I didn’t have a body to contend with.
How is that happy? How is that fulfilling? Choosing a life of solitude because I know I can't express certain levels of affection was bringing me more hurt, heart-ache and pain than any peace choosing righteously should have brought me. But I continued in that choice. And really, I didn’t think I could make any other choice, because as hard as it was, I thought for sure it was the right one. The only one. And that I just needed to keep persisting in that, hoping it would get better. Thinking maybe I could find enough peace in remaining separate from the deepest human connection to make it all okay.
Again. Up and down. Over the last two years, more downs than ups. More sorrow than peace. More hurt than joy. More questions than answers. And those answers that did come were always about being patient. The Lord knows me. Trust Him.
Then recently, I had a conversation with a friend that caused me to look once more at this whole issue. I realized I was in a hopeless situation. What I want most, connection, a significant other, someone to love and belong to, could never be a part of my life with the restrictions I had placed on such a relationship. It just couldn’t happen.
And for the first time, I had a reason to really stop and ask and consider what I was doing. What I wanted. What was working and what wasn’t and why. I had to consider if what I had been choosing really was the right thing for me. Was it going to provide me that which had become abundantly clear I needed in my life – that of deep human connection? Of being truly and completely open and honest with myself?
For the first time, two choices became very clear to me - choose to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship and be in that fully, no restrictions, no boundaries. Or choose to stay single and celibate. Because trying to do both, have a fully connected relationship, while trying to remain celibate, wasn’t working. Rather, I was feeling more hurt, sadness, loss, anxiety, confusion and fear. None of which stems from the Savior.
So, I had a long conversation with the Lord not too long ago. Well, what really happened is He sent me over three hours worth of thoughts, ideas and impressions, with me asking a question here and there. I learned a lot of things that night, most of which I won't share, because they feel too personal to me. But what I did come away with, that I can and need to share is that the Lord knows how much I desire human connection. He also knows I am gay, that I always have been, that it wasn't something I chose, so I can't choose any course of action to reverse that. He knows I love Him. That I crave and seek His peace. And I haven't been very good at feeling that to the level I once did. He knows my heart. He knows my soul. He knows it better than I do. So while it wasn't unexpected to receive an answer from Him, the answer I did receive was unexpected.
I'm still sitting with it. Considering it and all that it entails. If I hadn't experienced it for myself, in addition to other confirming experiences, I wouldn't have believed it - not for me anyway. I could believe this answer for someone else, but not for me. And yet, here it was.
If I want to have a meaningful relationship in my life, and if the opportunity comes into my life, my choice now is to pursue that, and all that it entails. By doing so does not mean I have lost my testimony. It does not mean I love the Lord any less. On the contrary, I feel like I can more fully and honestly serve Him by living my full, complete self. Not just spiritually, but emotionally and physically.
This is a huge shift for me, so I've continued sitting with these thoughts and feelings. Recognizing and preparing for the inevitable loss that will most likely come with this decision. I will move on and forward with my life as I have always done. But now with a different focus to any potential and future relationships. The hope of having such a relationship has been opened up to me with the removal of the boundaries that would have kept something like that away.
And, as a friend of mine recently said: “There can be really tough things with which we are dealing or troubles we are going through, but when we know God has our back, there is an element of peace knowing we are in His hands and following a path He has endorsed for us.”
How much more true that feels when we realize the path he has endorsed for us is not what we thought it was all along.
And over the past week, I’ve experienced a huge shift in focus. A new and unexpected piece to the puzzle of my life.
Something this big can’t, and didn’t just happen overnight. It has been at least two years in the making.
After I turned 40, I remember lying on my bed and thinking, and crying “Is this all that there is for me? If this is what my life, for the next 40 years is going to be like, I don’t want it.” And really, I had only been dealing with these things consciously for the past 10 years. During much of that time, my life has been a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions as I persisted in the idea that the decision I made, once I realized I was gay, to live a celibate life, was the right one. When I found it wasn’t working for me, that I was spiraling downward once again, I figured I just needed to be more patient, have more faith and that it would, eventually, all make sense and get better.
But that day, lying on my bed, I was overwhelmed with the thoughts and feelings of how in the world I was going to squeeze 40 more years out like that – alone, lost, hurting so deeply, confused. I need human connection. I'm not just talking about the few close friendships I have. They are wonderful, to be sure. But they can't, simply by their nature, fill me in the deep, soul connecting ways my soul craves. The need to belong to someone, and them to me. That is what I crave. What I have always craved. What the human soul searches for. And again the idea of living my life in a way that won't allow that made me not want to live my life at all.
But since I thought I had no choice, really, if I were to have the full love and support and acceptance of the Savior that was the only choice I felt I could make. But there was also a huge unbalance there. Because I also knew He wanted me to be happy. To live my life fully. But as I lay there on my bed, I knew I wasn't doing that. And I couldn't see how to do that.
My feelings were often so low, that many times over the past several years, I just wanted to swerve the steering wheel and drive over a cliff. Or hope that some semi would smash into me.
I would rather not be here, than be here persistently feeling this way.
I felt this would certainly be much simpler to deal with on the other side where I didn’t have a body to contend with.
How is that happy? How is that fulfilling? Choosing a life of solitude because I know I can't express certain levels of affection was bringing me more hurt, heart-ache and pain than any peace choosing righteously should have brought me. But I continued in that choice. And really, I didn’t think I could make any other choice, because as hard as it was, I thought for sure it was the right one. The only one. And that I just needed to keep persisting in that, hoping it would get better. Thinking maybe I could find enough peace in remaining separate from the deepest human connection to make it all okay.
Again. Up and down. Over the last two years, more downs than ups. More sorrow than peace. More hurt than joy. More questions than answers. And those answers that did come were always about being patient. The Lord knows me. Trust Him.
Then recently, I had a conversation with a friend that caused me to look once more at this whole issue. I realized I was in a hopeless situation. What I want most, connection, a significant other, someone to love and belong to, could never be a part of my life with the restrictions I had placed on such a relationship. It just couldn’t happen.
And for the first time, I had a reason to really stop and ask and consider what I was doing. What I wanted. What was working and what wasn’t and why. I had to consider if what I had been choosing really was the right thing for me. Was it going to provide me that which had become abundantly clear I needed in my life – that of deep human connection? Of being truly and completely open and honest with myself?
For the first time, two choices became very clear to me - choose to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship and be in that fully, no restrictions, no boundaries. Or choose to stay single and celibate. Because trying to do both, have a fully connected relationship, while trying to remain celibate, wasn’t working. Rather, I was feeling more hurt, sadness, loss, anxiety, confusion and fear. None of which stems from the Savior.
So, I had a long conversation with the Lord not too long ago. Well, what really happened is He sent me over three hours worth of thoughts, ideas and impressions, with me asking a question here and there. I learned a lot of things that night, most of which I won't share, because they feel too personal to me. But what I did come away with, that I can and need to share is that the Lord knows how much I desire human connection. He also knows I am gay, that I always have been, that it wasn't something I chose, so I can't choose any course of action to reverse that. He knows I love Him. That I crave and seek His peace. And I haven't been very good at feeling that to the level I once did. He knows my heart. He knows my soul. He knows it better than I do. So while it wasn't unexpected to receive an answer from Him, the answer I did receive was unexpected.
I'm still sitting with it. Considering it and all that it entails. If I hadn't experienced it for myself, in addition to other confirming experiences, I wouldn't have believed it - not for me anyway. I could believe this answer for someone else, but not for me. And yet, here it was.
If I want to have a meaningful relationship in my life, and if the opportunity comes into my life, my choice now is to pursue that, and all that it entails. By doing so does not mean I have lost my testimony. It does not mean I love the Lord any less. On the contrary, I feel like I can more fully and honestly serve Him by living my full, complete self. Not just spiritually, but emotionally and physically.
This is a huge shift for me, so I've continued sitting with these thoughts and feelings. Recognizing and preparing for the inevitable loss that will most likely come with this decision. I will move on and forward with my life as I have always done. But now with a different focus to any potential and future relationships. The hope of having such a relationship has been opened up to me with the removal of the boundaries that would have kept something like that away.
And, as a friend of mine recently said: “There can be really tough things with which we are dealing or troubles we are going through, but when we know God has our back, there is an element of peace knowing we are in His hands and following a path He has endorsed for us.”
How much more true that feels when we realize the path he has endorsed for us is not what we thought it was all along.
Friday, September 20, 2013
How Many Times?
It happens pretty much without fail. Every time I hit a new low, like is demonstrated in the previous post, I reach out in some way to the Lord. I write out my frustrations. I pray very honestly. And every time I reach out to Him, I find He is there reaching back. And once again I feel the reassurance, hope and love of His spirit envelope me like a blanket. And everything is okay again.
I love this song by Plumb. I've prayed these words many times in my life.
I love this song by Plumb. I've prayed these words many times in my life.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Conference Weekend
Let me preface this by saying I have not lost, nor am I losing my testimony. I'm just frustrated.
I am writing this to shed some light on why some of what was said during conference this weekend was hard, and hurtful. Even though same-sex attraction and the issues surrounding that weren't spoken about outright, it was alluded to several times.
The weekend started out rough. I blurbed a little about it on facebook, but because I hadn't seen any of the Saturday sessions, I couldn't speak fully to what was said. But that little fb posting got a lot of attention. Many people messaged me personally, seeking to reassure me that all would be well, that I am a good person, and that God loves me. I really do appreciate that support, although those are things I never doubted.
I also got some great feedback from folks seeking to give comfort with the whole marriage thing - I guess based on my comment, they assumed I wish I could be married, to a man? I don't know. But marriage in and of itself is also not an issue for me. I support marriage and the family. I know I will never marry a man. And I am so okay with that. I will probably also never marry a woman. And I am okay with that as well. But here is what does bother me. Statements that say or imply things like, sexual intimacy is the supreme and ultimate connection in a marriage. It is the most wonderful blessing in a relationship. But sorry. It's only for straight people. If you are gay, and happen to fall in love, too bad for you. Just push those feelings away and stay single and celibate (and miserable). Or try harder to root out the natural man, in this case, your gay- ness. Because the only appropriate relationship is that between a man and a woman. Anything else is an abomination. Which means the way you feel and experience love is an abomination. That's what's hard. (Sorry, I know that is a little cynical, which doesn't suit me. But I do feel that way sometimes.)
Now, if you are still of the mind-set that what gay people are asked to do, in remaining celebate, is no different than what straight single people are asked to do, let me know. I will try and explain how and why those two situations are very, very different.
So when someone stands at the pulpit and expounds on the wonders and blessings found within the bonds of marriage, and that the only appropriate way to experience those blessings is with a spouse of the opposite sex, it truly feels like a slap in the face. To quote from my facebook thread: "What Wendy (and I and many others) is being asked to do is to eschew the very thing everyone else is being encouraged to seek out, because it is one of the greatest gifts The Lord has given us. She deserves more respect and admiration than one can imagine. Because many of us, myself included, can't do it anymore. Especially in light of the demonizing of what we feel."
Yes, what we feel has been demonized by oh so many. And then we hear over and over and over again that what we experience and the needs and longings we have are not right, and will never qualify for blessings here and now that so many others experience. That is frustrating. That is hard. And it causes me to sometimes rant a little.
Now, lest you think my entire weekend was full of bitterness and hurt, it was not. Or if you worry that I am totally without hope, I am not. Here is what I gained from the Sunday talks:
* Hold fast to the hope that is in God. Walk towards the hope of a brighter life. God's light is real. It can heal the deepest wounds, enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It takes an act of faith to open our eyes to the hope of God's light. Darkness exists, but light exists also. Choose to walk in the light.
Hold to the ground you have won. Stand strong until additional knowledge comes. This is a divine work in progress. Be kind regarding human frailty. Fan the flames of your faith whatever doubts and questions you have.*
So I ask myself. Why do I stay? Even when there continues to be so much hurt with this issue steming from individulas who should be supportive, welcoming, sensative, and compassionate? I stay because some do show that sensative compassion. And I stay, because I know those things I wrote above are true. Because the gospel of Jesus Christ is bigger than any individual. And my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the Savior are extremely and intimitatly personal. I stay, and I love and I continue to find hope, and seek to walk by faith because that is what my Savior wants me to do.
And in the end, that is all any of us can do. Live our lives the best we can according to our own, individual relationship with the Savior.
I am writing this to shed some light on why some of what was said during conference this weekend was hard, and hurtful. Even though same-sex attraction and the issues surrounding that weren't spoken about outright, it was alluded to several times.
The weekend started out rough. I blurbed a little about it on facebook, but because I hadn't seen any of the Saturday sessions, I couldn't speak fully to what was said. But that little fb posting got a lot of attention. Many people messaged me personally, seeking to reassure me that all would be well, that I am a good person, and that God loves me. I really do appreciate that support, although those are things I never doubted.
I also got some great feedback from folks seeking to give comfort with the whole marriage thing - I guess based on my comment, they assumed I wish I could be married, to a man? I don't know. But marriage in and of itself is also not an issue for me. I support marriage and the family. I know I will never marry a man. And I am so okay with that. I will probably also never marry a woman. And I am okay with that as well. But here is what does bother me. Statements that say or imply things like, sexual intimacy is the supreme and ultimate connection in a marriage. It is the most wonderful blessing in a relationship. But sorry. It's only for straight people. If you are gay, and happen to fall in love, too bad for you. Just push those feelings away and stay single and celibate (and miserable). Or try harder to root out the natural man, in this case, your gay- ness. Because the only appropriate relationship is that between a man and a woman. Anything else is an abomination. Which means the way you feel and experience love is an abomination. That's what's hard. (Sorry, I know that is a little cynical, which doesn't suit me. But I do feel that way sometimes.)
Now, if you are still of the mind-set that what gay people are asked to do, in remaining celebate, is no different than what straight single people are asked to do, let me know. I will try and explain how and why those two situations are very, very different.
So when someone stands at the pulpit and expounds on the wonders and blessings found within the bonds of marriage, and that the only appropriate way to experience those blessings is with a spouse of the opposite sex, it truly feels like a slap in the face. To quote from my facebook thread: "What Wendy (and I and many others) is being asked to do is to eschew the very thing everyone else is being encouraged to seek out, because it is one of the greatest gifts The Lord has given us. She deserves more respect and admiration than one can imagine. Because many of us, myself included, can't do it anymore. Especially in light of the demonizing of what we feel."
Yes, what we feel has been demonized by oh so many. And then we hear over and over and over again that what we experience and the needs and longings we have are not right, and will never qualify for blessings here and now that so many others experience. That is frustrating. That is hard. And it causes me to sometimes rant a little.
Now, lest you think my entire weekend was full of bitterness and hurt, it was not. Or if you worry that I am totally without hope, I am not. Here is what I gained from the Sunday talks:
* Hold fast to the hope that is in God. Walk towards the hope of a brighter life. God's light is real. It can heal the deepest wounds, enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It takes an act of faith to open our eyes to the hope of God's light. Darkness exists, but light exists also. Choose to walk in the light.
Hold to the ground you have won. Stand strong until additional knowledge comes. This is a divine work in progress. Be kind regarding human frailty. Fan the flames of your faith whatever doubts and questions you have.*
So I ask myself. Why do I stay? Even when there continues to be so much hurt with this issue steming from individulas who should be supportive, welcoming, sensative, and compassionate? I stay because some do show that sensative compassion. And I stay, because I know those things I wrote above are true. Because the gospel of Jesus Christ is bigger than any individual. And my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the Savior are extremely and intimitatly personal. I stay, and I love and I continue to find hope, and seek to walk by faith because that is what my Savior wants me to do.
And in the end, that is all any of us can do. Live our lives the best we can according to our own, individual relationship with the Savior.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Survivors Guilt
Or something like that. In order to address this post topic, I have to back up a ways. Sorry for the round-about way to get to where I want to take you.
I have never questioned my faith. I have never questioned the counsel and policies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have never questioned my testimony. I have always been strong and steady. My faith has always been rooted in Christ. I have always enjoyed attending church and mingling my faith with those around me.
So why, a few months ago, did all of that begin to feel shaky, uncertain, and uprooted? Why did attending church become a chore that left me feeling worse than ever? Why did I feel lost, forgotten, not understood? Why did I find it so, so hard to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost? Why did I suddenly feel that as a gay Latter-Day Saint, I was less than, left out, on the outskirts, alone? Why did my burden suddenly feel so much greater than it ever had before? And why could I not find reconciliation with any of that as I always had before?
I searched my mind and my heart for answers.
What came to me were simple things that only made a small, and temporary difference: focus on my blessings, what I have, rather than what I feel I lack; remember the answers I have received; work on trusting and having faith in the Savior again; etc.
I thought often about how much simpler this would be to deal with on the "other side", and silently hoped for some tragic accident to take me there.
Thankfully I'm still here.
Because tiny miracles have begun to happen in my life.
I outed myself on facebook. A blessing in and of itself. Suddenly, I became known more fully and more completely by people who thought they already knew me. Because of that, I began to feel seen again in nearly every circle of my life, and I began to notice the care and love others feel and felt for me. And slowly, my comfort level in church began to grow again.
With that, other shaky areas of my life (spiritual and otherwise) began to stabilize again. Like that tattered cloth I blogged about a while ago.
Elder Bednar, of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, came to our Stake Conference and shared simple but powerful messages, and bore a powerful testimony. And I recognized that I felt the spirit in a way I hadn't for far too long.
Sometime around then a simple, not fully developed thought, or impression came to me. There aren't really even words to express it, but the message it brought was something like: "You've been resisting the spirit, joy and hope from your own life, so that you too could struggle in ways others with this issue struggle; so it wouldn't seem so simple and straightforward to deal with this very complex and difficult issue of begin gay and Mormon."
In other words, if I'm too hopeful and too full of the spirit then how can it really be that hard?
That idea shocked me, but also felt absolutely correct.
I am gay. I am emotionally and physically attracted to women. No doubt about that. But my attractions aren't really sexual in nature.When I notice an attraction to someone, it is all purely physical (appearance), or emotional. My desires for connection with someone are about emotional connection, deep sharing, companionship, mental, physical, and emotional closeness. But rarely have those connection desires been sexual.
So because I have no libido, keeping the Law of Chastity (no sexual relations outside of marriage, and that as defined between a man and a woman) has been quite simple for me. Even while in a 7 + year relationship with someone, we were celibate. And as it turns out, that was much easier for me to maintain than it was for her.
So several months ago, when a dear friend of mine was excommunicated for engaging in a sexual relationship with her girlfriend, after striving for over a decade to maintain her standard of chastity, my eyes were opened to the depth of this struggle for the majority of gay Mormons. What is relatively simple for me to maintain, can be excruciatingly difficult for so many others who love the Lord and His gospel, but are absolutely and fully attracted to the same gender in every possible way. And while being gay isn't just about sex any more than being straight is, for the majority of the world, sexual connection is a deep and meaningful means of connection and sharing.When my eyes were fully opened to that dilemma, my heart shut. And my struggle increased.
Subconsciously, I resisted being fully supported by the spirit and having absolute faith in the Gospel and Savior, in living my life with peace, hope and faith, because I did not want others to look at me and use me as an example of how other gay Mormons could and should live their lives. This is the realization I received. I felt guilty that my attractions were such that living the Law of Chastity was a non-issue for me, and therefor, I was able to fully participate in every aspect of the Church and the Gospel while so many others struggled deeply and painfully with that.
The idea of being an example of hope and faithful endurance when my struggle is significantly different, was enough to drive a wedge between me and my faith. I (subconsciously) needed to struggle and feel the depth of pain that others feel with this complicated and contradicting issue. And I did. And my heart broke. And my faith waned. And I felt anger at those who could not see the intense struggle this issue presents. And this anger destabilized me. Hence, the answer to the third paragraph above.
That anger and resistance continued for several months.
After that first eye-opening impression came to me, I just let it mull around in the back of my mind, weighing it for accuracy. I might have forgotten about it, except it came again just a few days ago: "You've been resisting the spirit, joy and hope from your own life, so that you too could struggle in ways others with this issue struggle; so it wouldn't seem so simple and straightforward to deal with this very complex and difficult issue of begin gay and Mormon." But this time a little bit more was added: "You have resisted the hope and goodness that fills your life, you have resisted being a source of light and faith, of being the woman of God that you are because you didn't want to make light of this very real struggle. But its time now to turn that around. It's time to bring that light and hope back into your life."
And so I'm trying. But I do it hesitantly because the fear and the guilt are still there that my path in dealing with this issue is made easier by my lack of sexual attraction. I loath the idea that someone will compare me and my "success" in staying true to gospel standards, with someone else who is struggling deeply to do the same thing.
Please don't use me as an example.
Unless it is an example that even though there is still heartache and hurt and questions, I can choose to let that rule my life as I have done, or I can put those things into the hands of the Savior and instead fill my life with hope, faith, beauty, joy and light. And knowing even when I do that, the heartache and struggle in life probably won't change, but I can still put my faith in the Savior that everything really will work out and I can focus on the good in life.
Or if it's as an example of the truth that every individual is unique and different, and they can, by following the spirit to the best of their ability, find the path and the life that is right for them, however different it may be to the one I am living.
And that's the message.
I have never questioned my faith. I have never questioned the counsel and policies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have never questioned my testimony. I have always been strong and steady. My faith has always been rooted in Christ. I have always enjoyed attending church and mingling my faith with those around me.
So why, a few months ago, did all of that begin to feel shaky, uncertain, and uprooted? Why did attending church become a chore that left me feeling worse than ever? Why did I feel lost, forgotten, not understood? Why did I find it so, so hard to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost? Why did I suddenly feel that as a gay Latter-Day Saint, I was less than, left out, on the outskirts, alone? Why did my burden suddenly feel so much greater than it ever had before? And why could I not find reconciliation with any of that as I always had before?
I searched my mind and my heart for answers.
What came to me were simple things that only made a small, and temporary difference: focus on my blessings, what I have, rather than what I feel I lack; remember the answers I have received; work on trusting and having faith in the Savior again; etc.
I thought often about how much simpler this would be to deal with on the "other side", and silently hoped for some tragic accident to take me there.
Thankfully I'm still here.
Because tiny miracles have begun to happen in my life.
I outed myself on facebook. A blessing in and of itself. Suddenly, I became known more fully and more completely by people who thought they already knew me. Because of that, I began to feel seen again in nearly every circle of my life, and I began to notice the care and love others feel and felt for me. And slowly, my comfort level in church began to grow again.
With that, other shaky areas of my life (spiritual and otherwise) began to stabilize again. Like that tattered cloth I blogged about a while ago.
Elder Bednar, of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, came to our Stake Conference and shared simple but powerful messages, and bore a powerful testimony. And I recognized that I felt the spirit in a way I hadn't for far too long.
Sometime around then a simple, not fully developed thought, or impression came to me. There aren't really even words to express it, but the message it brought was something like: "You've been resisting the spirit, joy and hope from your own life, so that you too could struggle in ways others with this issue struggle; so it wouldn't seem so simple and straightforward to deal with this very complex and difficult issue of begin gay and Mormon."
In other words, if I'm too hopeful and too full of the spirit then how can it really be that hard?
That idea shocked me, but also felt absolutely correct.
I am gay. I am emotionally and physically attracted to women. No doubt about that. But my attractions aren't really sexual in nature.When I notice an attraction to someone, it is all purely physical (appearance), or emotional. My desires for connection with someone are about emotional connection, deep sharing, companionship, mental, physical, and emotional closeness. But rarely have those connection desires been sexual.
So because I have no libido, keeping the Law of Chastity (no sexual relations outside of marriage, and that as defined between a man and a woman) has been quite simple for me. Even while in a 7 + year relationship with someone, we were celibate. And as it turns out, that was much easier for me to maintain than it was for her.
So several months ago, when a dear friend of mine was excommunicated for engaging in a sexual relationship with her girlfriend, after striving for over a decade to maintain her standard of chastity, my eyes were opened to the depth of this struggle for the majority of gay Mormons. What is relatively simple for me to maintain, can be excruciatingly difficult for so many others who love the Lord and His gospel, but are absolutely and fully attracted to the same gender in every possible way. And while being gay isn't just about sex any more than being straight is, for the majority of the world, sexual connection is a deep and meaningful means of connection and sharing.When my eyes were fully opened to that dilemma, my heart shut. And my struggle increased.
Subconsciously, I resisted being fully supported by the spirit and having absolute faith in the Gospel and Savior, in living my life with peace, hope and faith, because I did not want others to look at me and use me as an example of how other gay Mormons could and should live their lives. This is the realization I received. I felt guilty that my attractions were such that living the Law of Chastity was a non-issue for me, and therefor, I was able to fully participate in every aspect of the Church and the Gospel while so many others struggled deeply and painfully with that.
The idea of being an example of hope and faithful endurance when my struggle is significantly different, was enough to drive a wedge between me and my faith. I (subconsciously) needed to struggle and feel the depth of pain that others feel with this complicated and contradicting issue. And I did. And my heart broke. And my faith waned. And I felt anger at those who could not see the intense struggle this issue presents. And this anger destabilized me. Hence, the answer to the third paragraph above.
That anger and resistance continued for several months.
After that first eye-opening impression came to me, I just let it mull around in the back of my mind, weighing it for accuracy. I might have forgotten about it, except it came again just a few days ago: "You've been resisting the spirit, joy and hope from your own life, so that you too could struggle in ways others with this issue struggle; so it wouldn't seem so simple and straightforward to deal with this very complex and difficult issue of begin gay and Mormon." But this time a little bit more was added: "You have resisted the hope and goodness that fills your life, you have resisted being a source of light and faith, of being the woman of God that you are because you didn't want to make light of this very real struggle. But its time now to turn that around. It's time to bring that light and hope back into your life."
And so I'm trying. But I do it hesitantly because the fear and the guilt are still there that my path in dealing with this issue is made easier by my lack of sexual attraction. I loath the idea that someone will compare me and my "success" in staying true to gospel standards, with someone else who is struggling deeply to do the same thing.
Please don't use me as an example.
Unless it is an example that even though there is still heartache and hurt and questions, I can choose to let that rule my life as I have done, or I can put those things into the hands of the Savior and instead fill my life with hope, faith, beauty, joy and light. And knowing even when I do that, the heartache and struggle in life probably won't change, but I can still put my faith in the Savior that everything really will work out and I can focus on the good in life.
Or if it's as an example of the truth that every individual is unique and different, and they can, by following the spirit to the best of their ability, find the path and the life that is right for them, however different it may be to the one I am living.
And that's the message.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Finding Peace in Truth
I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to be writing this post. But I have also been praying to feel more connected, to feel more whole and complete, to recognize my blessings, to know the Lord's will for me. And as I sat here just a bit ago writing in my journal, and then catching up on facebook, the idea of writing this post came to me. So I'm following up on that thought.
I'm not even sure I know what I want to say or how to say it.
But if you are here at my blog reading this (for the first time), you likely also read the "about me" section and blog description. So I guess it's kind of already been said.
Many people in my life know I'm gay. My family knows and a few close friends, as well as some acquaintances in the "gay community" and elsewhere. But for the most part, I'm still mostly closeted. I don't share that part of my life much. I don't particularly hide it, but I also don't usually bring it up in conversation even if the timing feels okay. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. Those who do know have been absolutely, amazingly wonderful. Thank you. However, fear of rejection is certainly still there. Fear of trying to explain that although I am indeed gay, I am also very happily active LDS and live those standards the best I can.
So, yeah. It can get complicated. And sometimes I just don't want to try and explain all that. And then there's that little nagging thing that comes up for me much too often - fear of being judged, or worse, misjudged. Judged by the LDS community for being gay. Judged by the gay community for remaining active LDS. However, I guess if someone wants/needs to judge, that's none of my business.
So, despite that fear, I felt it was time to publicly "out" myself. For what reason, I don't fully know. What I do know is this:
- I am a daughter of God. He knows and loves me exactly the way I am.
- The Savior does indeed live. He has called prophets and apostles in this time (as in times of old) to lead and carry forth His Church and Gospel to the world.
- Joseph Smith did indeed see God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ in the flesh. Through him, the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ was brought to light, and Christ's church was fully restored to the Earth.
- I am not, nor have I ever been attracted to men. But oh how I've tried. I've tried and tried, because it would sure make life a lot easier. Alas...
- For whatever reason, I am a gay woman.
And believe it or not, that has been one of the most amazing blessings in my life. Because it has caused me to seek out my Savior time and time and time again. My relationship with Him has been strengthened as I have struggled to make sense of the life before me. There are still so many things I don't know. So much that still brings hurt and heartache. But I love and trust in the Lord. He is my strength. He is my redeemer. His spirit brings peace in the most unlikely times and places.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you."
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Difficult Trust
Some thoughts, feelings and questions I've had lately:
Church councils. I wonder about these more so than I ever have before because my roomie is going through one today, for an issue that ultimately she can't really do anything about and remain who she is. I was really struggling with this idea the other night, and the thought came to me that if anything were to put a wedge between me and my testimony of the church, it would be this. If she is excommunicated, what chance does she have of ever coming back in to full fellowship in the church, with all the rights, blessings and privileges available? Again, only if she gives up a big portion of who she is, and chooses to live a half life. And yet, she is one of the most spiritual, god-fearing people I know. She seeks and follows God's will for her as she feels she receives it. She loves the Lord with all her heart. She has a testimony of the gospel in its fulness. Of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, priesthood, prophets, personal revelation, the Atonement of the Savior. So to excommunicate someone like that just feels wrong and not helpful at all.When someone has that kind of love for the Savior, and for Prophets, and the gospel, to excommunicate them and take away the very things they likely need for support has always felt wrong to me. If they are struggling with something, help them. Don't punish them. Unless they have no desire to remain attached to the church. Or are preaching false, vain and foolish doctrine and are trying to lead others away, or bash and destroy the church. Otherwise, let them keep their membership in the church. Let them serve. Let them participate and be strengthened by that activity.
But even in this she has been an example to me. Whatever the decision today, she isn't going anywhere. She isn't going to speak negatively of church leaders. She understands that this won't change her relationship with the Savior, or affect His love for her in the least. She isn't about to leave the Church, despite some of the flaws that might exist within some of the policies and practices. She is truly an example to me in this.
So, I must follow her example and just trust. Trust that whatever happens today, her relationship with her Savior is intact. Though she will miss out on many of the blessings of the gospel, some of which are very personally important, she is still led and guided by His Spirit. She still follows His will for her in her life as she understands it. I need to trust also.
One of the things that has come to my mind that brings me some hope and comfort, and maybe a little understanding is Article of Faith 9: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God."
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true and living Church of Christ on earth. I know that it contains "all that God has revealed" up to this point in history. In that sense, it does contain His fullness. But, there are "many great and important things" yet to be revealed. I don't know what that is. But I do know that we don't yet know all things. Our understanding, our ways, are not His ways. And "that all things work together for good to them that love God."(Romans 8:28)
That is what I have to hang onto. Trust and have faith.
Church councils. I wonder about these more so than I ever have before because my roomie is going through one today, for an issue that ultimately she can't really do anything about and remain who she is. I was really struggling with this idea the other night, and the thought came to me that if anything were to put a wedge between me and my testimony of the church, it would be this. If she is excommunicated, what chance does she have of ever coming back in to full fellowship in the church, with all the rights, blessings and privileges available? Again, only if she gives up a big portion of who she is, and chooses to live a half life. And yet, she is one of the most spiritual, god-fearing people I know. She seeks and follows God's will for her as she feels she receives it. She loves the Lord with all her heart. She has a testimony of the gospel in its fulness. Of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, priesthood, prophets, personal revelation, the Atonement of the Savior. So to excommunicate someone like that just feels wrong and not helpful at all.When someone has that kind of love for the Savior, and for Prophets, and the gospel, to excommunicate them and take away the very things they likely need for support has always felt wrong to me. If they are struggling with something, help them. Don't punish them. Unless they have no desire to remain attached to the church. Or are preaching false, vain and foolish doctrine and are trying to lead others away, or bash and destroy the church. Otherwise, let them keep their membership in the church. Let them serve. Let them participate and be strengthened by that activity.
But even in this she has been an example to me. Whatever the decision today, she isn't going anywhere. She isn't going to speak negatively of church leaders. She understands that this won't change her relationship with the Savior, or affect His love for her in the least. She isn't about to leave the Church, despite some of the flaws that might exist within some of the policies and practices. She is truly an example to me in this.
So, I must follow her example and just trust. Trust that whatever happens today, her relationship with her Savior is intact. Though she will miss out on many of the blessings of the gospel, some of which are very personally important, she is still led and guided by His Spirit. She still follows His will for her in her life as she understands it. I need to trust also.
One of the things that has come to my mind that brings me some hope and comfort, and maybe a little understanding is Article of Faith 9: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God."
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true and living Church of Christ on earth. I know that it contains "all that God has revealed" up to this point in history. In that sense, it does contain His fullness. But, there are "many great and important things" yet to be revealed. I don't know what that is. But I do know that we don't yet know all things. Our understanding, our ways, are not His ways. And "that all things work together for good to them that love God."(Romans 8:28)
That is what I have to hang onto. Trust and have faith.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Spirit
I love it when the spirit confirms truth to me. I may not understand everything I am hearing or receiving, and may still have questions about it all, but there is great peace in knowing I have been taught truth.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
General Conference
I wasn't able to watch Saturday's sessions (though I did hear part of Saturday afternoon), but here are some of the messages I received today. Some general, some personal:
- "It's better to look up."
- I want to deepen my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior
- God's laws and standards are in place, despite the world's shifting ideas and values.
- Synchronize my life with Christ's.
- I must not only say my prayers, but live them.
- Learn to hear and understand, and then follow the language of the spirit.
- Maintain a spirit of gratitude in life, for we receive many more blessings than we realize from day to day.
- Maintain and develop a spirit of faith and optimism in life.
- Heavenly Father is mindful of the challenges we all face in this world.
- The gospel provides meaning, purpose, hope and answers the questions of life.
- Show increased kindness to one another.
- Pray for the Prophet and those who serve as General Authorities. We are one as we move forward in this work.
I love conference and the renewed strength and understanding I receive as I open my heart and mind to being taught by the Spirit. There is hope there. There is love there. There is truth there. Not everyone may see it or believe it. But it is there.
God lives. Jesus Christ is my Savior. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church restored upon the earth. The Priesthood is real. The covenants I have made are eternal and powerful. We do have a living Prophet on the earth today. The thoughts and ideas I mentioned above are some of what I heard the Spirit teach through the Lord's anointed servants.
- "It's better to look up."
- I want to deepen my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior
- God's laws and standards are in place, despite the world's shifting ideas and values.
- Synchronize my life with Christ's.
- I must not only say my prayers, but live them.
- Learn to hear and understand, and then follow the language of the spirit.
- Maintain a spirit of gratitude in life, for we receive many more blessings than we realize from day to day.
- Maintain and develop a spirit of faith and optimism in life.
- Heavenly Father is mindful of the challenges we all face in this world.
- The gospel provides meaning, purpose, hope and answers the questions of life.
- Show increased kindness to one another.
- Pray for the Prophet and those who serve as General Authorities. We are one as we move forward in this work.
I love conference and the renewed strength and understanding I receive as I open my heart and mind to being taught by the Spirit. There is hope there. There is love there. There is truth there. Not everyone may see it or believe it. But it is there.
God lives. Jesus Christ is my Savior. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church restored upon the earth. The Priesthood is real. The covenants I have made are eternal and powerful. We do have a living Prophet on the earth today. The thoughts and ideas I mentioned above are some of what I heard the Spirit teach through the Lord's anointed servants.
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Love of God
While reading the Book of Mormon last night, in Mosiah chapter 4, these verses stuck out to me. I've read them many times, and have always liked them.
11 And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God ... and his goodness and long-suffering towards you ...and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come.
13 And ye will not have a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably ...
I love what these verses say. The importance of remembering God's goodness and greatness and patience with me, however unworthy I may be. The importance of remaining humble and teachable, and not assuming I know more or know better than He does. Trusting in Him and calling on Him daily. Maintaining my faith in that which is to come.
If I do those things, there are powerful promises and blessings. I will be filled with the love of God, which is powerful and filling and healing and strengthening. I will grow in understanding and the knowledge of the glory of God, and in all that is just and true. I will retain a remission of my sins through the Atonement of Christ.
And then the last verse - how wonderful would it be if none had a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably. That is the promise to those who truly know God and know themselves and recognize the worth and value of those around them.
I have put these verses to the test in times past; indeed this is the way I try to live my life. And I can testify that these promises are true. When I trust in God, and search Him out, and do my best to live in peace and love with others, when I remember the Lord and seek His will in my life, I am filled with such great and all encompassing love. There is nothing in this world that compares. That's why I continue to follow Him. To be strengthened and upheld and taught by His spirit.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Feeling Homesick
I often feel Homesick, with a capital H. Sometimes I even ask my Father to please let me come Home now. I'm ready. It's not that I'm unhappy here. Not at all. I just know there is so much more waiting for me, and I'm ready to move on. Just like I was happy working at Wasatch Mountain State Park, but was ready to move on. And when I did, I found it was the perfect thing for me. I love where I'm working now. I love who I'm working with, and the opportunities that are there for me.
It feels like that with wanting to go Home. I am happy here. I like the people in my life. But I'm ready to move On.
I was thinking this again today in sacrament meeting. Not sure what brought it up. The thoughts and feelings just come now and then. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed or tired. Sometimes they just come. My Heavenly Home is just as real to me as this one and my spirit just longs to return.
So today in sacrament meeting, I wondered a bit why I can't go back. I had all kinds of thoughts about learning and growing, all of which I could continue to do there. Then the thought came to me that this life experience isn't just about me getting a body and learning and growing. It's about other people. Helping them to travel the road more easily. Helping them to gain a testimony and understanding of the Lord's Plan for them. Helping to build the Kingdom of God. And that's why I'm still here. I still have a lot to in that regard. I need to help others along the way.
And just now I realized that part of this mortal experience is learning to be more like the Savior who spent His entire life serving and helping others. I still have a long way to go before I can say I truly follow the Savior's example. I have many selfish tendencies that I need to learn to let go of before I could truly return home with honor.
So for me, the concept of enduring to the end is less about overcoming trials and such, it's having to wait to go Home. And while I'm waiting, I have a lot to do, and many things to learn.
It feels like that with wanting to go Home. I am happy here. I like the people in my life. But I'm ready to move On.
I was thinking this again today in sacrament meeting. Not sure what brought it up. The thoughts and feelings just come now and then. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed or tired. Sometimes they just come. My Heavenly Home is just as real to me as this one and my spirit just longs to return.
So today in sacrament meeting, I wondered a bit why I can't go back. I had all kinds of thoughts about learning and growing, all of which I could continue to do there. Then the thought came to me that this life experience isn't just about me getting a body and learning and growing. It's about other people. Helping them to travel the road more easily. Helping them to gain a testimony and understanding of the Lord's Plan for them. Helping to build the Kingdom of God. And that's why I'm still here. I still have a lot to in that regard. I need to help others along the way.
And just now I realized that part of this mortal experience is learning to be more like the Savior who spent His entire life serving and helping others. I still have a long way to go before I can say I truly follow the Savior's example. I have many selfish tendencies that I need to learn to let go of before I could truly return home with honor.
So for me, the concept of enduring to the end is less about overcoming trials and such, it's having to wait to go Home. And while I'm waiting, I have a lot to do, and many things to learn.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Lessons in Wyoming
I have had an amazing week. For our Stake Youth Conference this year we had the opportunity to go on Trek to Martin's Cove in Wyoming. Martin's Cove is the location where the Martin Handcart Company, in 1856, took refuge from a heavy winter blizzard. Many people died in this place due to starvation, exposure, fatigue and the fact that the company had just crossed the Sweet Water River which had 4 inches of ice on it.
Our Stake youth and several leaders, myself included, spent three days in this area, pulling our handcarts and hearing stories of what these people experienced. The Spirit touched me deeply during our time in the actual cove where the company camped and where many were buried. We sang several songs while there, and at one point our Stake President encouraged us to sing loud and with conviction, and that if we did, the Spirit would touch our hearts with a witness of truth. I took that promise to heart, and sang the first line with full voice, but immediately was overcome by the Spirit. Tears kept me from singing after that.
After leaving Martin's Cove we had the chance to reenact one of the river crossings. The water was very high, so we couldn't take our carts, but we could walk across. We also had the use of a rope to keep us from being swept down river. As I crossed, I imagined attempting to do this in the winter, with ice encrusted water. Many of those original pioneers also carried others across, and several stayed in the water all day, helping those who could not cross themselves. There were nearly 600 people in Martin's company. This was an all day event for them. It was a humbling experience and again the spirit taught me truths.
The final major event for the day was what is called the Women's Pull. During the original crossing of the handcart companies, many of the men died due to starvation and exhaustion, leaving the women to carry on alone. At other times, their husbands and the men of the company simply were not there for other reasons. For our pull, our Stake Young Women President talked to the YW about being the Hope of Israel and standing for what is good and right. She shared a story of the strength and faith of one of her own ancestors who remained valiant and faithful despite challenges and difficulties in her own life.
As we started out toward the rocky slope we were to climb, the leaders were asked to step aside unless asked by their young women to help push and pull the handcarts. Most of the companies had their leaders help. But those young women in my company did not. So all I could do was walk along side them, encourage them, remind them I was there if they needed me. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done - watching these girls struggle up this hill, getting stopped by the rocks and the incline, and struggling though on their own. I am one who likes to be right in there, pushing, pulling, helping, in the trenches, lifting those around me. As I was anxiously walking along side, waiting for the words "please help", I understood on a level as never before how anxious and willing our Father in Heaven is for us to reach out to Him and ask for His help. I know He is there for us. I know He loves us beyond anything we can understand and when we need His help, he will be there to Help.
I know that is true. It does not matter what we face in life. It does not matter how bitter or challenging our struggles. Our Savior is there for us. He has already atoned for our sins, our mistakes, our weaknesses. Now He just wants us to accept that, and stay close to Him in our trials and in our triumphs.
All we have to do is ask, and He will be there.
Our Stake youth and several leaders, myself included, spent three days in this area, pulling our handcarts and hearing stories of what these people experienced. The Spirit touched me deeply during our time in the actual cove where the company camped and where many were buried. We sang several songs while there, and at one point our Stake President encouraged us to sing loud and with conviction, and that if we did, the Spirit would touch our hearts with a witness of truth. I took that promise to heart, and sang the first line with full voice, but immediately was overcome by the Spirit. Tears kept me from singing after that.
After leaving Martin's Cove we had the chance to reenact one of the river crossings. The water was very high, so we couldn't take our carts, but we could walk across. We also had the use of a rope to keep us from being swept down river. As I crossed, I imagined attempting to do this in the winter, with ice encrusted water. Many of those original pioneers also carried others across, and several stayed in the water all day, helping those who could not cross themselves. There were nearly 600 people in Martin's company. This was an all day event for them. It was a humbling experience and again the spirit taught me truths.
The final major event for the day was what is called the Women's Pull. During the original crossing of the handcart companies, many of the men died due to starvation and exhaustion, leaving the women to carry on alone. At other times, their husbands and the men of the company simply were not there for other reasons. For our pull, our Stake Young Women President talked to the YW about being the Hope of Israel and standing for what is good and right. She shared a story of the strength and faith of one of her own ancestors who remained valiant and faithful despite challenges and difficulties in her own life.
As we started out toward the rocky slope we were to climb, the leaders were asked to step aside unless asked by their young women to help push and pull the handcarts. Most of the companies had their leaders help. But those young women in my company did not. So all I could do was walk along side them, encourage them, remind them I was there if they needed me. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done - watching these girls struggle up this hill, getting stopped by the rocks and the incline, and struggling though on their own. I am one who likes to be right in there, pushing, pulling, helping, in the trenches, lifting those around me. As I was anxiously walking along side, waiting for the words "please help", I understood on a level as never before how anxious and willing our Father in Heaven is for us to reach out to Him and ask for His help. I know He is there for us. I know He loves us beyond anything we can understand and when we need His help, he will be there to Help.
I know that is true. It does not matter what we face in life. It does not matter how bitter or challenging our struggles. Our Savior is there for us. He has already atoned for our sins, our mistakes, our weaknesses. Now He just wants us to accept that, and stay close to Him in our trials and in our triumphs.
All we have to do is ask, and He will be there.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Trip to Colorado
Journal Entry - September 26, 2001
"Tomorrow Annette and I are going to Colorado to visit some friends. Actually, most of who we are visiting are Annette's friends, so mostly I am just tagging along for the ride. Kinda' weird - but I am sure it will be fun."
September 29, 2001
"We drove for 10 hrs along Hwy 40...to get here. It was a beautiful drive...
We went over to 'Linda' and 'Cathy's' place for dinner. It was yummy. On Friday, Nets and I met up with 'Rachael' (from the bike ride) and went on a bike ride. We picked up 'Rachael's' friend, Kat and got a little to eat.
Then we came back to 'Dennis'' (Annette's brother) place, ... made dinner and 'Linda' and 'Cathy' came over to eat. We had a nice conversation. I felt a bit uncomfortable during parts (the gay relationship stuff - they are all gay) but not too bad. I don't worry if people think I am gay - but I do wonder. I wonder what they think, what their thoughts about me are. That I seem so ok with hanging around with gay people is funny to them - especially since I am an active Mormon - and most LDS people are not ok with that. And again, I am not ok with the lifestyle, but these are my friends, and I accept them and love them for who they are.
It has been mentioned before that it takes someone who is totally ok with who they are (sexually, I guess) to be able to really be ok with spending time with gay people. I like to think that refers to me. The truth is I do struggle a bit, not with what I hope for and want, because that is totally clear, my goal in that respect is sure. But I do struggle with what I at times feel. And I think (and wonder) if that shows through to people. Which is why I wonder what people think. I don't think it would change much how I act, and who I spend time with. But it may - who knows. I might find I am more guarded. I guess in some ways that's good, but in other ways not so good."
October 5, 2001
"Saturday night last week in Denver was bad for me. The day was fun. We went also with a guy named 'Rich' - Dennis' friend. He was very nice, and fun. And we all had a good day, all day. Then when we dropped him back off at his hotel room, they all got into a discussion - that basically included the Church and gays. He made a lot of comments that were very offensive to me. Not so much the words he said, although that had a lot to do with it, but it was mostly how he said it. It was belittling, mocking - taking things sacred and holy and dragging them through the mud - mocking and ridiculing Joseph Smith and other church leaders I have the greatest respect and admiration for. It was bad. Luckily it didn't go on very much longer or I would have had to leave at the risk of being rude. But it ended and we left. I wonder if they sensed I was getting upset. If they did, they made no indication to the point. Except for later, 'Carol' (Annette's cousin) apologized for her behavior.
Anyway, that was hard for me for a couple of days. I am okay now, and above all I recognize how important those sacred things are to me, and that I cannot stand having them mocked and ridiculed. From anyone....
...I am grateful for my testimony. It really is deeper than words can say - because in all reality, words didn't give me my testimony. The spirit did, and therefor it can only be understood by the spirit. I have a lot to work on. I know that. I am FAR from being perfect - which is why I am so very grateful for the gospel, and especially for the atonement."
"Tomorrow Annette and I are going to Colorado to visit some friends. Actually, most of who we are visiting are Annette's friends, so mostly I am just tagging along for the ride. Kinda' weird - but I am sure it will be fun."
September 29, 2001
"We drove for 10 hrs along Hwy 40...to get here. It was a beautiful drive...
We went over to 'Linda' and 'Cathy's' place for dinner. It was yummy. On Friday, Nets and I met up with 'Rachael' (from the bike ride) and went on a bike ride. We picked up 'Rachael's' friend, Kat and got a little to eat.
Then we came back to 'Dennis'' (Annette's brother) place, ... made dinner and 'Linda' and 'Cathy' came over to eat. We had a nice conversation. I felt a bit uncomfortable during parts (the gay relationship stuff - they are all gay) but not too bad. I don't worry if people think I am gay - but I do wonder. I wonder what they think, what their thoughts about me are. That I seem so ok with hanging around with gay people is funny to them - especially since I am an active Mormon - and most LDS people are not ok with that. And again, I am not ok with the lifestyle, but these are my friends, and I accept them and love them for who they are.
It has been mentioned before that it takes someone who is totally ok with who they are (sexually, I guess) to be able to really be ok with spending time with gay people. I like to think that refers to me. The truth is I do struggle a bit, not with what I hope for and want, because that is totally clear, my goal in that respect is sure. But I do struggle with what I at times feel. And I think (and wonder) if that shows through to people. Which is why I wonder what people think. I don't think it would change much how I act, and who I spend time with. But it may - who knows. I might find I am more guarded. I guess in some ways that's good, but in other ways not so good."
October 5, 2001
"Saturday night last week in Denver was bad for me. The day was fun. We went also with a guy named 'Rich' - Dennis' friend. He was very nice, and fun. And we all had a good day, all day. Then when we dropped him back off at his hotel room, they all got into a discussion - that basically included the Church and gays. He made a lot of comments that were very offensive to me. Not so much the words he said, although that had a lot to do with it, but it was mostly how he said it. It was belittling, mocking - taking things sacred and holy and dragging them through the mud - mocking and ridiculing Joseph Smith and other church leaders I have the greatest respect and admiration for. It was bad. Luckily it didn't go on very much longer or I would have had to leave at the risk of being rude. But it ended and we left. I wonder if they sensed I was getting upset. If they did, they made no indication to the point. Except for later, 'Carol' (Annette's cousin) apologized for her behavior.
Anyway, that was hard for me for a couple of days. I am okay now, and above all I recognize how important those sacred things are to me, and that I cannot stand having them mocked and ridiculed. From anyone....
...I am grateful for my testimony. It really is deeper than words can say - because in all reality, words didn't give me my testimony. The spirit did, and therefor it can only be understood by the spirit. I have a lot to work on. I know that. I am FAR from being perfect - which is why I am so very grateful for the gospel, and especially for the atonement."
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Journal Entry - September 15, 2001
"More tomorrow, but I wanted to jot this down so I don't forget: I accept other people even though I may not, and often don't agree with or support their lifestyle."
September 16, 2001 (Sunday)
"Annette (roommate) and I talked late into the night last night. A lot about what I wrote above. I think it is great that we can both be living such different lives, and still be able to accept and support one another. And be able to talk about so many things.
I spoke to the Bishop today - what a feeling of peace, and of a burden being lifted. He is going to find out about a counselor for me to see - to help me work through some things - to give me extra amo against the adversary.
I have never gone to counseling - and am a little apprehensive. I guess in a way it makes me feel weak, or unfaithful, un-trusting. Like I don't trust the Lord's ability to heal me, just through me working and trusting in Him. But then again, the Lord often works through other people. And I prayed today that the Bishop would know what to do and say to help me - and this was his counsel. So I will follow it."
September 16, 2001 (Sunday)
"Annette (roommate) and I talked late into the night last night. A lot about what I wrote above. I think it is great that we can both be living such different lives, and still be able to accept and support one another. And be able to talk about so many things.
I spoke to the Bishop today - what a feeling of peace, and of a burden being lifted. He is going to find out about a counselor for me to see - to help me work through some things - to give me extra amo against the adversary.
I have never gone to counseling - and am a little apprehensive. I guess in a way it makes me feel weak, or unfaithful, un-trusting. Like I don't trust the Lord's ability to heal me, just through me working and trusting in Him. But then again, the Lord often works through other people. And I prayed today that the Bishop would know what to do and say to help me - and this was his counsel. So I will follow it."
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Journal Entry - September 11, 2001
"First thing this morning as I am driving to my class, I hear on the news that 2 planes were flown into the World Trade Towers. Two others were hijacked. One was flown into the Pentagon in D.C. and the other crashed....
After the planes were flown into the trade towers, both towers collapsed - within 30 minutes of each other. The World Trade Towers. The two of them can have upwards of 50,000 people in them. There is no way they all got out. I am sure thousands were killed....It absolutely blows my mind....These were innocent people...
All flights into and within the US were stopped until noon tomorrow. The entire nation is shut down....
And in addition to that I am dealing with a bit of a personal emotional crisis. But more on that another day. Let's just say things that I thought I had under control have been thrown into my face to where I am not sure about that anymore."
September 13, 2001
"The last word is that around 4,700 people are missing - missing because they still have not been able to sort through all of the debris from the buildings....Around 300 rescue and fire fighters are missing - those who first went into the buildings to get people out....
I have an interview with the Bishop on Sunday. I am going to try to tell him the inner struggle I have been having lately. Finally tonight I am feeling some peace about it. I trust in the Savior and in the atonement. I can be healed - and normal, good feelings can then emerge."
September 14, 2001
"Today was a National Day of Remembrance. All over the country, people gathered together at various times and in various ways to remember the loss, and pray for the suffering and for the country.
My prayer is that we will never forget this. That we will take this, and learn and grow, and have more love, more acceptance, more kindness to others. More looking and turning to God as individuals and as a Nation.... It was a day that shattered the Nation, and brought us all a lot closer together...
This has been a personal time for healing for me. Sunday I have an interview with the Bishop to discuss some issues and struggles I have been facing. It is time to open up, to confess, to heal... to be honest with myself, to be honest with others, to be honest with God."
After the planes were flown into the trade towers, both towers collapsed - within 30 minutes of each other. The World Trade Towers. The two of them can have upwards of 50,000 people in them. There is no way they all got out. I am sure thousands were killed....It absolutely blows my mind....These were innocent people...
All flights into and within the US were stopped until noon tomorrow. The entire nation is shut down....
And in addition to that I am dealing with a bit of a personal emotional crisis. But more on that another day. Let's just say things that I thought I had under control have been thrown into my face to where I am not sure about that anymore."
September 13, 2001
"The last word is that around 4,700 people are missing - missing because they still have not been able to sort through all of the debris from the buildings....Around 300 rescue and fire fighters are missing - those who first went into the buildings to get people out....
I have an interview with the Bishop on Sunday. I am going to try to tell him the inner struggle I have been having lately. Finally tonight I am feeling some peace about it. I trust in the Savior and in the atonement. I can be healed - and normal, good feelings can then emerge."
September 14, 2001
"Today was a National Day of Remembrance. All over the country, people gathered together at various times and in various ways to remember the loss, and pray for the suffering and for the country.
My prayer is that we will never forget this. That we will take this, and learn and grow, and have more love, more acceptance, more kindness to others. More looking and turning to God as individuals and as a Nation.... It was a day that shattered the Nation, and brought us all a lot closer together...
This has been a personal time for healing for me. Sunday I have an interview with the Bishop to discuss some issues and struggles I have been facing. It is time to open up, to confess, to heal... to be honest with myself, to be honest with others, to be honest with God."
Monday, December 6, 2010
This Is Me
I am, first and foremost, just me. I am a daughter of God, and learned several years ago what that means to me. I saw myself, at least a glimpse of, the way my Father in Heaven sees me. It was a wonderful, sacred experience.
I have never wavered in my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know God has a plan for me, for all of us. I know this plan, called the Plan of Salvation, is real. As real as anything. I know my Savior lives. I know He has established His church once again on the earth and it is led, as He has always led it, by Apostles and Prophets. I know obedience brings peace and blessings. I also know it isn't always easy to be obedient. Which is why the Savior came to the earth, lived a perfect life, and then took upon Himself all the sins of mankind. Why He performed the Atonement, suffered in the garden and died on the cross. I also know He rose again, and because of that, we all will.
I know we have all been given the wonderful gift of agency. We fought for it in our pre-earth life. It is this gift that allows us to learn, and grow, and change, and make mistakes, and choose differently again. It is this gift that I exercise everyday. I have a choice. And my choice has always been towards my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by the LDS church.
Early on in my discovery of my orientation, even before I really understood it, or accepted it as real, I knew that I did not choose it. At the same time, I knew that I could choose how to respond to it. Because of my testimony and beliefs and knowledge of the Gospel, and the purposes of life, I knew that I could never leave the church to pursue a gay lifestyle. I never imagined I would even have what constituted a partner. And when I found myself in that place, with a person I truly loved, I still chose to follow God's laws.
I have never regretted choosing the gospel. I can't imagine I ever will. It is me. It is who I am. I am a part of it and it is a part of me. But some days are hard. Not hard to stay true to my testimony, but hard feeling more isolated and alone than I'd like. Some days I feel very at home in a group of LDS folks, other days all I want is to surround myself with a group of lesbians. Or a group of people who know me - my testimony and my orientation and are okay with both.
I have never wavered in my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know God has a plan for me, for all of us. I know this plan, called the Plan of Salvation, is real. As real as anything. I know my Savior lives. I know He has established His church once again on the earth and it is led, as He has always led it, by Apostles and Prophets. I know obedience brings peace and blessings. I also know it isn't always easy to be obedient. Which is why the Savior came to the earth, lived a perfect life, and then took upon Himself all the sins of mankind. Why He performed the Atonement, suffered in the garden and died on the cross. I also know He rose again, and because of that, we all will.
I know we have all been given the wonderful gift of agency. We fought for it in our pre-earth life. It is this gift that allows us to learn, and grow, and change, and make mistakes, and choose differently again. It is this gift that I exercise everyday. I have a choice. And my choice has always been towards my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by the LDS church.
Early on in my discovery of my orientation, even before I really understood it, or accepted it as real, I knew that I did not choose it. At the same time, I knew that I could choose how to respond to it. Because of my testimony and beliefs and knowledge of the Gospel, and the purposes of life, I knew that I could never leave the church to pursue a gay lifestyle. I never imagined I would even have what constituted a partner. And when I found myself in that place, with a person I truly loved, I still chose to follow God's laws.
I have never regretted choosing the gospel. I can't imagine I ever will. It is me. It is who I am. I am a part of it and it is a part of me. But some days are hard. Not hard to stay true to my testimony, but hard feeling more isolated and alone than I'd like. Some days I feel very at home in a group of LDS folks, other days all I want is to surround myself with a group of lesbians. Or a group of people who know me - my testimony and my orientation and are okay with both.
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