A Trip to Colorado

Journal Entry - September 26, 2001

"Tomorrow Annette and I are going to Colorado to visit some friends. Actually, most of who we are visiting are Annette's friends, so mostly I am just tagging along for the ride. Kinda' weird - but I am sure it will be fun."


September 29, 2001

"We drove for 10 hrs along Hwy 40...to get here. It was a beautiful drive...

We went over to 'Linda' and 'Cathy's' place for dinner. It was yummy. On Friday, Nets and I met up with 'Rachael' (from the bike ride) and went on a bike ride. We picked up 'Rachael's' friend, Kat and got a little to eat.

Then we came back to 'Dennis'' (Annette's brother) place, ... made dinner and 'Linda' and 'Cathy' came over to eat. We had a nice conversation. I felt a bit uncomfortable during parts (the gay relationship stuff - they are all gay) but not too bad. I don't worry if people think I am gay - but I do wonder. I wonder what they think, what their thoughts about me are. That I seem so ok with hanging around with gay people is funny to them - especially since I am an active Mormon - and most LDS people are not ok with that. And again, I am not ok with the lifestyle, but these are my friends, and I accept them and love them for who they are.

It has been mentioned before that it takes someone who is totally ok with who they are (sexually, I guess) to be able to really be ok with spending time with gay people. I like to think that refers to me. The truth is I do struggle a bit, not with what I hope for and want, because that is totally clear, my goal in that respect is sure. But I do struggle with what I at times feel. And I think (and wonder) if that shows through to people. Which is why I wonder what people think. I don't think it would change much how I act, and who I spend time with. But it may - who knows. I might find I am more guarded. I guess in some ways that's good, but in other ways not so good."


October 5, 2001

"Saturday night last week in Denver was bad for me. The day was fun. We went also with a guy named 'Rich' - Dennis' friend. He was very nice, and fun. And we all had a good day, all day. Then when we dropped him back off at his hotel room, they all got into a discussion - that basically included the Church and gays. He made a lot of comments that were very offensive to me. Not so much the words he said, although that had a lot to do with it, but it was mostly how he said it. It was belittling, mocking - taking things sacred and holy and dragging them through the mud - mocking and ridiculing Joseph Smith and other church leaders I have the greatest respect and admiration for. It was bad. Luckily it didn't go on very much longer or I would have had to leave at the risk of being rude. But it ended and we left. I wonder if they sensed I was getting upset. If they did, they made no indication to the point. Except for later, 'Carol' (Annette's cousin) apologized for her behavior.

Anyway, that was hard for me for a couple of days. I am okay now, and above all I recognize how important those sacred things are to me, and that I cannot stand having them mocked and ridiculed. From anyone....

...I am grateful for my testimony. It really is deeper than words can say - because in all reality, words didn't give me my testimony. The spirit did, and therefor it can only be understood by the spirit. I have a lot to work on. I know that. I am FAR from being perfect - which is why I am so very grateful for the gospel, and especially for the atonement."