Needing to Feel Loved

Journal Entry
October 7, 2001

"My...future is unsure. And I guess I am feeling a bit depressed about that. The ever present struggle with whether I am loved or cared about. If I matter. I know people love me, but for some reason I need reaffirming of that often. I need to feel it more than I do...."

October 11, 2001

"I'm in one of my moods where I need to be needed, where I need to know I am cared about. I am not sure what brings that on - I bet if I sat and thought long enough I could get to the core.

I need to somehow learn how to love myself - to be okay with who I am. To recognize my weaknesses and work to overcome them, but love them because they are a part of me. Or at least to recognize the effort I put into overcoming that stuff. To be ok with my feelings and the way I choose to deal with them or not.

I need to be loved - not just by a friend or my mom - but I need someone to love me, and want to be with me. Someone who I can love in return. And right now the only love I am getting is from my family and my friends - who are all women. That puts my mind and my heart in places I don't feel good going. Same sex relationships can only go as far as a good friend - not any deeper. But because I long to be loved and needed, I am finding myself looking more to my friends for that love. And that is just messing with my mind and my heart in a way that they don't need to be messed with.

I am going to talk to a counselor about all of this and pray that she can help me sort through it all. The more I have the spirit with me, the stronger I am. I need to trust in and lean on the savior."