Hope in Unexpected Places

This is supposed to be a happy, positive post. I hope it turns out that way. The thoughts in my  head and the feelings in my heart may not translate well into written text.

I am grateful I met E when I did. Especially in light of the events that took place in the months that followed (and that continue). Because of her, and falling for her the way I did, I gained access to a door in my life I didn't know I had access to.

This experience allowed me to open a door into an entirely new "world" that was full of hope - hope that I had lost. Without this hope, I'm not sure how I would have made it through these last several months - specifically with the hurt I have felt from places that should have brought comfort.

The life I was living was right in line with what is being asked of gay church members. But that line was not bringing me peace or comfort or hope.* Still, that is the line being given as "the way". So had I not opened this unexpected door and stepped into this other "world" which contained a measure of hope, although in an arena I did not expect, the world I would be facing would be excruciating. I honestly don't know where I would be - physically, emotionally, spiritually - knowing the path I was to take, the one I had been journeying, the one we are admonished over and over to live, was only leading me to hurt and despair. The hopelessness would have been complete. 

So even though things didn't work out with E the way I hoped they would, and the journey through that was painful, the world and options it opened up for me has been the hope I've needed to get me through pretty much emotionally intact the last couple of months. And not jut intact, but honestly much better than I have been for quite some time. That experience was the catalyst I needed to make the paradigm shift that has saved my life. In many ways.

I am extremely grateful to my Father in Heaven for helping me find and then realize it was okay for me to open that door.



* I wrote the following some time last summer but never posted it. Now as I read through it I realize this explains pretty clearly the world I was facing, and the extent to which my hope was lost. The door I found, and opened, although it will potentially have negative consequences with church opportunities and blessings, has nevertheless given me the hope I was so desperately seeking. I've included it here to hopefully give some background perspective.

I guess I'm reaching out here.

If I can't have a relationship with someone that would continue to allow me all the earthly blessings of the gospel (i.e. keeping my membership in the church, attending the Temple, etc) - if there is no hope of that - then what else is there in life for me to accomplish, live for, do?

We're taught that we are here on earth for a few reasons:
1) Get a physical body. Check.
2) Be tested and tried and work to be more like the Savior. I suppose that goes on and on, but I feel I have been tested in many ways, and have come out on top, with my testimony in tact.
3) Establish an Eternal family. Well, I am a part of one, but establishing one is not in my cards.

Am I missing anything? So I have my body. I've proven over and over that despite challenges that come my way I will remain true to my Savior. I love Him. But since #3 isn't happening, what's the point in sticking around? Why do I need to stay? Just to continue to be tested, and struggle, and hurt over what I will never have? That doesn't feel very nice.

If there was a relationship I could engage in that would be fulfilling, nurturing, committed, loving, where I was someone's "other half", AND that would allow me to keep serving in the church the way that is so important and meaningful to me, that would be great. And I would have a reason to keep hanging around earth. There would be someone with which I could share my life.

I know there any many, many people in my life who love me. Don't get me wrong. And I love them. I have a great family and incredible friends. But...but. I want to share my life with someone. And if there is no hope of that, even if I fall in love I have to push that away, then what's the point in staying? [side note: I realize now there are many reasons to keep living, but this was my frame of mind at the time, with what I believed were my only options]


I wake up in the morning. I go to work. Maybe I go biking or hiking or kayaking after work. It's great fun. Very peaceful and rewarding. Sometimes I watch my sister's kids. I teach guitar. The Lord is taking care of me and blessing me in so many ways. But in the end, not having someone, and knowing that IT CAN NEVER HAPPEN, leaves me feeling very empty. Very hollow. Very hopeless.

I hurt deeply over the fact that if I did fall in love, I couldn't embrace that relationship. How sad is that? There are no words to describe what that feels like.

Oh how much easier it would be if this mortal experience just ended now. I don't really know what else I can accomplish here other than white-knuckling it through 55 more years (genetics tells me I'll probably live to be 95). That sounds pretty awful to me, to be honest.

If there was hope of having a significant other, at least there would be something, someone to live for.

It was just a few months after writing this that I had the experience I described at the first of this post and realized, that for me, there were other options.

I'm Okay. Really.

The last couple of posts, especially the most recent one, maybe made it sound like I was really, really struggling. That's not entirely true. I shared that last post, I guess, as an example of how difficult this issue of living as a gay Mormon can be.

This is a complex issue. And any decisions that are made, are made within the realm of that complexity.

I've made some new decisions in my life recently. Those decisions bring with them a new and unknown path and journey. But that decision still feels right. Still feels like it's where I need to go. I'm just not sure where everything will fall out, and/or fall into place. That unknown  brings a sense of uncertainty. But there is also a measure of peace that I haven't really experienced before. A different kind of peace. A peace that says, even though this is a decision I never thought I'd would make, it's okay. And I'm okay.

How Many Times?

It happens pretty  much without fail. Every time I hit a new low, like is demonstrated in the previous post, I reach out in some way to the Lord. I write out my frustrations. I pray very honestly. And every time I reach out to Him, I find He is there reaching back. And once again I feel the reassurance, hope and love of His spirit envelope me like a blanket. And everything is okay again.

I love this song by Plumb. I've prayed these words many times in my life.

Survivors Guilt

Or something like that. In order to address this post topic, I have to back up a ways. Sorry for the round-about way to get to where I want to take you.

I have never questioned my faith. I have never questioned the counsel and policies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have never questioned my testimony. I have always been strong and steady. My faith has always been rooted in Christ. I have always enjoyed attending church and mingling my faith with those around me.

So why, a few months ago, did all of that begin to feel shaky, uncertain, and uprooted? Why did attending church become a chore that left me feeling worse than ever? Why did I feel lost, forgotten, not understood? Why did I find it so, so hard to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost? Why did I suddenly feel that as a gay Latter-Day Saint, I was less than, left out, on the outskirts, alone? Why did my burden suddenly feel so much greater than it ever had before? And why could I not find reconciliation with any of that as I always had before?

I searched my mind and my heart for answers.

What came to me were simple things that only made a small, and temporary difference: focus on my blessings, what I have, rather than what I feel I lack; remember the answers I have received; work on trusting and having faith in the Savior again; etc.

I thought often about how much simpler this would be to deal with on the "other side", and silently hoped for some tragic accident to take me there.

Thankfully I'm still here.

Because tiny miracles have begun to happen in my life.

I outed myself on facebook. A blessing in and of itself. Suddenly, I became known more fully and more completely by people who thought they already knew me. Because of that, I began to feel seen again in nearly every circle of my life, and I began to notice the care and love others feel and felt for me. And slowly, my comfort level in church began to grow again.

With that, other shaky areas of my life (spiritual and otherwise) began to stabilize again. Like that tattered cloth I blogged about a while ago.

Elder Bednar, of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, came to our Stake Conference and shared simple but powerful messages, and bore a powerful testimony. And I recognized that I felt the spirit in a way I hadn't for far too long.

Sometime around then a simple, not fully developed thought, or impression came to me. There aren't really even words to express it, but the message it brought was something like: "You've been resisting the spirit, joy and hope from your own life, so that you too could struggle in ways others with this issue struggle; so it wouldn't seem so simple and straightforward to deal with this very complex and difficult issue of begin gay and Mormon."

In other words, if I'm too hopeful and too full of the spirit then how can it really be that hard?

That idea shocked me, but also felt absolutely correct.

I am gay. I am emotionally and physically attracted to women. No doubt about that. But my attractions aren't really sexual in nature.When I notice an attraction to someone, it is all purely physical (appearance), or emotional. My desires for connection with someone are about emotional connection, deep sharing, companionship, mental, physical, and emotional closeness. But rarely have those connection desires been sexual.

So because I have no libido, keeping the Law of Chastity (no sexual relations outside of marriage, and that as defined between a man and a woman) has been quite simple for me. Even while in a 7 + year relationship with someone, we were celibate. And as it turns out, that was much easier for me to maintain than it was for her.

So several months ago, when a dear friend of mine was excommunicated for engaging in a sexual relationship with her girlfriend, after striving for over a decade to maintain her standard of chastity, my eyes were opened to the depth of this struggle for the majority of gay Mormons. What is relatively simple for me to maintain, can be excruciatingly difficult for so many others who love the Lord and His gospel, but are absolutely and fully attracted to the same gender in every possible way. And while being gay isn't just about sex any more than being straight is, for the majority of the world, sexual connection is a deep and meaningful means of connection and sharing.When my eyes were fully opened to that dilemma, my heart shut. And my struggle increased.

Subconsciously, I resisted being fully supported by the spirit and having absolute faith in the Gospel and Savior, in living my life with peace, hope and faith, because I did not want others to look at me and use me as an example of how other gay Mormons could and should live their lives. This is the realization I received. I felt guilty that my attractions were such that living the Law of Chastity was a non-issue for me, and therefor, I was able to fully participate in every aspect of the Church and the Gospel while so many others struggled deeply and painfully with that.

The idea of being an example of hope and faithful endurance when my struggle is significantly different, was enough to drive a wedge between me and my faith. I (subconsciously) needed to struggle and feel the depth of pain that others feel with this complicated and contradicting issue. And I did. And my heart broke. And my faith waned. And I felt anger at those who could not see the intense struggle this issue presents. And this anger destabilized me. Hence, the answer to the third paragraph above.

That anger and resistance continued for several months. 

After that first eye-opening impression came to me, I just let it mull around in the back of my mind, weighing it for accuracy. I might have forgotten about it, except it came again just a few days ago: "You've been resisting the spirit, joy and hope from your own life, so that you too could struggle in ways others with this issue struggle; so it wouldn't seem so simple and straightforward to deal with this very complex and difficult issue of begin gay and Mormon." But this time a little bit more was added: "You  have resisted the hope and goodness that fills your life, you have resisted being a source of light and faith, of being the woman of God that you are because you didn't want to make light of this very real struggle. But its time now to turn that around. It's time to bring that light and hope back into your life."

And so I'm trying. But I do it hesitantly because the fear and the guilt are still there that my path in dealing with this issue is made easier by my lack of sexual attraction. I loath the idea that someone will compare me and my "success" in staying true to gospel standards, with someone else who is struggling deeply to do the same thing.

Please don't use me as an example.

Unless it is an example that even though there is still heartache and hurt and questions, I can choose to let that rule my life as I have done, or I can put those things into the hands of the Savior and instead fill my life with hope, faith, beauty, joy and light. And knowing even when I do that, the heartache and struggle in life probably won't change, but I can still put my faith in the Savior that everything really will work out and I can focus on the good in life.

Or if it's as an example of the truth that every individual is unique and different, and they can, by following the spirit to the best of their ability, find the path and the life that is right for them, however different it may be to the one I am living.

And that's the message.

Finding Peace in Truth

I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to be writing this post. But I have also been praying to feel more connected, to feel more whole and complete, to recognize my blessings, to know the Lord's will for me. And as I sat here just a bit ago writing in my journal, and then catching up on facebook, the idea of writing this post came to me. So I'm following up on that thought.

I'm not even sure I know what I want to say or how to say it.

But if you are here at my blog reading this (for the first time), you likely also read the "about me" section and blog description. So I guess it's kind of already been said.

Many people in my life know I'm gay. My family knows and a few close friends, as well as some acquaintances in the "gay community" and elsewhere. But for the most part, I'm still mostly closeted. I don't share that part of my life much. I don't particularly hide it, but I also don't usually bring it up in conversation even if the timing feels okay. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. Those who do know have been absolutely, amazingly wonderful. Thank you. However, fear of rejection is certainly still there.  Fear of trying to explain that although I am indeed gay, I am also very happily active LDS and live those standards the best I can.

So, yeah. It can get complicated. And sometimes I just don't want to try and explain all that. And then there's that little nagging thing that comes up for me much too often - fear of being judged, or worse, misjudged. Judged by the LDS community for being gay. Judged by the gay community for remaining active LDS. However, I guess if someone wants/needs to judge, that's none of my business.

So, despite that fear, I felt it was time to publicly "out"  myself. For what reason, I don't fully know. What I do know is this:

• I am a daughter of God. He knows and loves me exactly the way I am. 
• The Savior does indeed live. He has called prophets and apostles in this time (as in times of old) to lead and carry forth His Church and Gospel to the world. 
• Joseph Smith did indeed see God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ in the flesh. Through him, the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ was brought to light, and Christ's church was fully restored to the Earth.
• I am not, nor have I ever been attracted to men. But oh how I've tried. I've tried and tried, because it would sure make life a lot easier. Alas...
• For whatever reason, I am a gay woman.  

And believe it or not, that has been one of the most amazing blessings in my life. Because it has caused me to seek out my Savior time and time and time again. My relationship with Him has been strengthened as I have struggled to make sense of the life before me. There are still so many things I don't know. So much that still brings hurt and heartache. But I love and trust in the Lord. He is my strength. He is my redeemer. His spirit brings peace in the most unlikely times and places.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you."

Roses of Life

In my front yard I have a few rose bushes. When I first moved into my house, I thought they were pretty ugly and ratty. Then they bloomed. And the one that I thought looked the ugliest and rattiest, actually produced roses that were the most wonderful smelling things I had ever experienced.

I would stop by that rose bush every day on my way to and from my house. And with that, I adopted the idea of stopping to smell the roses of life. Not just the physical roses, but those things in life that bring peace, comfort, happiness, stillness, feelings of goodness, etc. It's amazing to recognize that there really is something to celebrate in every day.

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.   ~Author Unknown

After too long a time not noticing those roses, it's time once again to celebrate all that life has to offer. 

Too many of my posts lately have focused on something less than positive. And that attitude does not look good on me. It doesn't feel good, either.  And it isn't accurate. While it's true I've had some difficult times in the past several months, I've also had many wonderful times. It is time I start focusing on that once again.

Learn to smile at every situation.  See it as an opportunity to prove your strength and ability.  ~Joe Brown

Sometimes fear overcomes us, overcomes me. And when I let that fear take over, it is very difficult to find hope or peace or sunshine. One can't be happy all the time, but it's one thing to experience a passing gloominess, and another thing to let it rule your life. 

Let your inner sunshine overcome the passing haze of discontent.   ~Dodinsky

I'm deciding now to pay attention to the roses of life, to change my attitude, to look toward the sunshine, to let go of hurt and confusion, and trust in the goodness of life.

Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.  ~ Doctrine and Covenants 6:36

Difficult Trust

Some thoughts, feelings and questions I've had lately:
Church councils. I wonder about these more so than I ever have before because my roomie is going through one today, for an issue that ultimately she can't really do anything about and remain who she is. I was really struggling with this idea the other night, and the thought came to me that if anything were to put a wedge between me and my testimony of the church, it would be this. If she is excommunicated, what chance does she have of ever coming back in to full fellowship in the church, with all the rights, blessings and privileges available? Again, only if she gives up a big portion of who she is, and chooses to live a half life. And yet, she is one of the most spiritual, god-fearing people I know. She seeks and follows God's will for her as she feels she receives it. She loves the Lord with all her heart. She has a testimony of the gospel in its fulness. Of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, priesthood, prophets, personal revelation, the Atonement of the Savior. So to excommunicate someone like that just feels wrong and not helpful at all.When someone has that kind of love for the Savior, and for Prophets, and the gospel, to excommunicate them and take away the very things they likely need for support has always felt wrong to me. If they are struggling with something, help them. Don't punish them. Unless they have no desire to remain attached to the church. Or are preaching false, vain and foolish doctrine and are trying to lead others away, or bash and destroy the church. Otherwise, let them keep their membership in the church. Let them serve. Let them participate and be strengthened by that activity.

But even in this she has been an example to me. Whatever the decision today, she isn't going anywhere. She isn't going to speak negatively of church leaders. She understands that this won't change her relationship with the Savior, or affect His love for her in the least. She isn't about to leave the Church, despite some of the flaws that might exist within some of the policies and practices. She is truly an example to me in this.

So, I must follow her example and just trust. Trust that whatever happens today, her relationship with her Savior is intact. Though she will miss out on many of the blessings of the gospel, some of which are very personally important, she is still led and guided by His Spirit. She still follows His will for her in her life as she understands it. I need to trust also.

One of the things that has come to my mind that brings me some hope and comfort, and maybe a little understanding is Article of Faith 9: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God."

I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true and living Church of Christ on earth. I know that it contains "all that God has revealed" up to this point in history. In that sense, it does contain His fullness. But, there are "many great and important things" yet to be revealed. I don't know what that is. But I do know that we don't yet know all things. Our understanding, our ways, are not His ways. And "that all things work together for good to them that love God."(Romans 8:28)

That is what I have to hang onto. Trust and have faith.

The Love of God

While reading the Book of Mormon last night, in Mosiah chapter 4, these verses stuck out to me. I've read them many times, and have always liked them. 

 11 And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God ... and his goodness and long-suffering towards you ...and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come.

 12 And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.

 13 And ye will not have a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably ...

I love what these verses say. The importance of remembering God's goodness and greatness and patience with me, however unworthy I may be. The importance of remaining humble and teachable, and not assuming I know more or know better than He does. Trusting in Him and calling on Him daily. Maintaining my faith in that which is to come.

If I do those things, there are powerful promises and blessings. I will be filled with the love of God, which is powerful and filling and healing and strengthening. I will grow in understanding and the knowledge of the glory of God, and in all that is just and true. I will retain a remission of my sins through the Atonement of Christ.

And then the last verse - how wonderful would it be if none had a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably. That is the promise to those who truly know God and know themselves and recognize the worth and value of those around them.

I have put these verses to the test in times past; indeed this is the way I try to live my life. And I can testify that these promises are true. When I trust in God, and search Him out, and do my best to live in peace and love with others, when I remember the Lord and seek His will in my life, I am filled with such great and all encompassing love. There is nothing in this world that compares. That's why I continue to follow Him. To be strengthened and upheld and taught by His spirit.

Lessons in Wyoming

I have had an amazing week. For our Stake Youth Conference this year we had the opportunity to go on Trek to Martin's Cove in Wyoming. Martin's Cove is the location where the Martin Handcart Company, in 1856, took refuge from a heavy winter blizzard. Many people died in this place due to starvation, exposure, fatigue and the fact that the company had just crossed the Sweet Water River which had 4 inches of ice on it.

Our Stake youth and several leaders, myself included, spent three days in this area, pulling our handcarts and hearing stories of what these people experienced. The Spirit touched me deeply during our time in the actual cove where the company camped and where many were buried. We sang several songs while there, and at one point our Stake President encouraged us to sing loud and with conviction, and that if we did, the Spirit would touch our hearts with a witness of truth. I took that promise to heart, and sang the first line with full voice, but immediately was overcome by the Spirit. Tears kept me from singing after that.

After leaving Martin's Cove we had the chance to reenact one of the river crossings. The water was very high, so we couldn't take our carts, but we could walk across. We also had the use of a rope to keep us from being swept down river. As I crossed, I imagined attempting to do this in the winter, with ice encrusted water. Many of those original pioneers also carried others across, and several stayed in the water all day, helping those who could not cross themselves. There were nearly 600 people in Martin's company. This was an all day event for them. It was a humbling experience and again the spirit taught me truths.

The final major event for the day was what is called the Women's Pull. During the original crossing of the handcart companies, many of the men died due to starvation and exhaustion, leaving the women to carry on alone. At other times, their husbands and the men of the company simply were not there for other reasons. For our pull, our Stake Young Women President talked to the YW about being the Hope of Israel and standing for what is good and right. She shared a story of the strength and faith of one of her own ancestors who remained valiant and faithful despite challenges and difficulties in her own life.

As we started out toward the rocky slope we were to climb, the leaders were asked to step aside unless asked by their young women to help push and pull the handcarts. Most of the companies had their leaders help. But those young women in my company did not. So all I could do was walk along side them, encourage them, remind them I was there if they needed me. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done - watching these girls struggle up this hill, getting stopped by the rocks and the incline, and struggling though on their own. I am one who likes to be right in there, pushing, pulling, helping, in the trenches, lifting those around me. As I was anxiously walking along side, waiting for the words "please help", I understood on a level as never before how anxious and willing our Father in Heaven is for us to reach out to Him and ask for His help. I know He is there for us. I know He loves us beyond anything we can understand and when we need His help, he will be there to Help.

I know that is true. It does not matter what we face in life. It does not matter how bitter or challenging our struggles. Our Savior is there for us. He has already atoned for our sins, our mistakes, our weaknesses. Now He just wants us to accept that, and stay close to Him in our trials and in our triumphs.

All we have to do is ask, and He will be there.

Accepting, Learning, Living

Accepting:
I've gone from complete denial about my attractions, to mostly in denial but still hiding from them, to accepting that they are there, but being bound and determined to make them go away or turn into something more "normal", to accepting that they are indeed a part of who I am and a part of my experience in life.

Learning:
For the rest of my life I get to learn. I get to learn about things. I get to learn about people. I get to learn about myself and how I function, how I handle things, how I act or react to different situations. I get to learn how to manage my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I get to learn how to communicate better. I get to learn what my triggers are and how to avoid them, or even better, how to deal with them effectively.

There are so many things to learn, and the best way to do that is to live.

Living:
My attractions are indeed a part of me, and they aren't going away. But I am not about to pull inside of myself and stop living. I am not about to hide from people out of fear that I might find myself crushing on someone, or being totally smitten by someone. How can I ever truly learn to manage my feelings in an acceptable way to myself if I close myself off to connecting with people? I need people. And I really enjoy connecting with them. I'm not saying I'm good at connecting, but when I can, I enjoy it. But if I worried that I might fall for someone if I let myself get too close, then I would likely end up living a very isolated life and learning very little about myself. That doesn't sound fun to me at all.

There are places and situations that are best left alone - but not necessarily because of this SSA stuff. More so because of the potential loss of the Spirit that might occur.  Otherwise, I believe that hiding only delays learning and growth. Sure, I might find myself in a situation that is emotionally and/or mentally taxing, but by facing that, and doing so honestly and diligently, I can learn and grow and become a better person overall.

When I was going through therapy I had to deal with and face many challenging, painful and emotionally taxing and draining things. I could have avoided going to those places, because it was hard. But then where would I be? Still stuck where I was. Rather, I adopted an attitude of "Hard is not bad". In other words, it's okay to go through and face hard things. And now I feel like a very much improved version of myself. I grew and gained a lot of personal knowledge and understanding - on levels physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

I wouldn't give that up just to avoid potentially painful or hard situations.

Trials and Faith

The other night I attended a Relief Society activity where we had a wonderful guest speaker talk about some of the trials she has faced and how she has endured them. She was a wonderful speaker. Very funny. Very real. She lost her eyesight to cancer and she talked about how she dealt with that. She found so much humor in her situation - I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to find humor in some of what she went through. They became funny and enjoyable experiences only because of her attitude. Many other people, I am sure, might just hole up, become distant, avoid all possible situations that might be difficult or uncomfortable. So I am very grateful that she was able to show an example that even some of the most difficult situations can be seen as the glass half full.

One of the comments she made that really stuck out to me was when she was talking about how she knew that Christ could heal her sight. He could remove the cancer and heal her vision. She said she had enough faith for that to happen. I know I have felt that way also about being gay. When I first recognized my feelings for what they were, I knew they could change. I knew Christ could "heal" me, and help me to have natural feelings for men. There was no doubt in my mind that that could and would happen, because of my faith in Him and my desire for obedience.

But for both this sister, and for me, the desires of our hearts and the efforts of our faith were not experienced. Rather, she and I (and so many other people) get to keep our trials. What struck me was that she said, "It takes more faith to live with your trials than to have them removed." That statement hit home for me. How true that is.

Yes, I could have my gay-ness removed from me. And could go on to experience life as a happy, straight person (with other trials, of course). But honestly, my faith is tested and strengthened and challenged and made to grow because my trial has not be removed. It is this trial that helps me to increase my faith. Use my faith. Rely on hope. Rely on the Savior.

She also spoke about how hurt and offended she feels when people tell her she is such a strong person for being able to go through this - because "the Lord won't give you anything you can't handle."  Why be offended and hurt by that? Because she can't handle this trial. I can't handle my trial(s). So really, I am weak. She is weak. How nice to have someone point that out.

We can't handle these trials. And we aren't supposed to be able to. That is exactly why we have a Savior. He is there to literally save us, because we can't handle these things on our own.

I need the Savior. He gives me strength. Helps to pull me through tough times. Is there to comfort me when I fall. And I do fall. He supports me and is patient with me as I make my mistakes, have my temper tantrums, and want to quit.

It takes so much more faith to live with our trials than to have them taken away. I am grateful that Lord is concerned with having me grow, and learn and progress more than allowing me an easier time on this earth. Because ultimately, that growth, learning and progress will and does bring me more joy than I could find otherwise.

Trust and Hope

Two positive words. Two words our Savior uses a lot. We read about trusting in the Lord. Having faith and hope.

I'm one that has a lot of hope. When I first began going through this process of figuring out I was same-sex-attracted, I had hope that everything would be okay. That I could find peace and meaning in my life. I went through several group therapy sessions, and continued to hang onto that hope, and tried to share it with the other women in my groups. It wasn't hard for me to have hope. Because I know and trust in the Lord and His promises. I don't always see the pathway before me, but I trust and hope and therefor know it will be what I need in order to learn and grow.

Trust. Hope. I still have those things in the Savior. And they have and continue to get me through tough times. And there are tough times to be sure. Sometimes that pathway before me is less clear, more foggy, more unknown, uncertain. And I find I have to double my effort to keep that trust and hope alive that things will work out the way they are supposed to. That even when things are hard, and uncertain, and confusing, if I just keep moving forward, trying to maintain my trust in the Savior, that things will go as they need to, and the peace and joy in my life will be there. 

When I was younger I had a series of scriptures that I would quote over and over in my mind when I felt most down, most hurting or alone.

John 14:27 
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Matthew 11: 29-30
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.     UAdd a Note  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Alma 36:3
Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Alma 36: 27
And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me.

I'm sure there were others, but these are the ones that stand out to me now. Trust in the Lord. Let Him share your burden. Seek for His peace.