(Initially put to paper July 8, 2015)
I know I need to write. I just don't know that I have the words for it.
I feel deep loss. I have been depressed for the past 3 or 4 weeks. I was doing fairly well for about a month after my excommunication, but then I began to feel myself sinking into a place of hurt. Soul loss.
I am having a hard time finding connection, on a spiritual level. I am having a hard time finding meaning and balance in my life again. What once was my stability, my guide, that with which I weighed and measured my life is no longer a part of it. I know I am more than my church. But for my entire life, it was the lens through which I saw the world, found value and purpose - through the guidance, teachings and directions my membership in the church pointed me.
There are things within the church I would be happy to give up, and things I need and want to hang on to. But if you were to ask me to name what those things are, I'm not sure I could. Familiarity? Community? Tradition? Stability? I don't know how to hang onto the good, and let go of the hurtful.
I wish I could just make a clean break. Push it aside and away from me. Let it go. But I'm not ready to do that. There is something holding me here. Something I can't let go of.
I worry I will get bitter and cynical. Those things don't look or feel good on me. But I feel I could easily slip into those feelings.
My loyalty is to my Savior. I've just never had to try to experience Him separate from the LDS Church. I fear letting go of something (the Church) that might, at some future time, be what I need it to be for me again. What it once was for me. But I am also appreciating the feeling of not worrying about or answering to an organization. Answering only to myself and my Savior. What does He want from me? What do I want from me? If I cut ties with the church on an emotional and physical level, will my relationship with my Savior suffer? Will I lose more of myself than I have already?
How do I find myself outside of the confines by which I once defined myself? How do I move to find myself without losing myself?
Showing posts with label Self-worth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-worth. Show all posts
Monday, July 27, 2015
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Christ-like Love
The past several days I have been experiencing an existential crisis. Truly. It was so convoluted that it was making me crazy. At times, I was so full of despair that I couldn't think of any way out except ending my life.
To try and make sense of it all, I sat down last night and typed three pages of thoughts. Back and forth, spiraling thoughts. Nothing felt more clear after three pages of trying to find clarity. So I just quit writing and decided the only thing I could do was to try and live in my heart. Try to let my heart sort out what my head certainly could not.
To try and make sense of it all, I sat down last night and typed three pages of thoughts. Back and forth, spiraling thoughts. Nothing felt more clear after three pages of trying to find clarity. So I just quit writing and decided the only thing I could do was to try and live in my heart. Try to let my heart sort out what my head certainly could not.
Today was better overall, but still questions. This morning the root of my real struggle occurred to me. I texted Kim: “I don’t feel
unconditional love from the Lord.... I feel “I love
you, but...” I feel “I want to bless you, but...”
That played in my mind and heart all day. I was amazed that
after all this time, my entire life, with so many amazing experiences with the
Spirit, that deep down, I still believed God’s love for me was based on my
performance, my attempts at obedience, etc. In thinking about praying to Him
and asking for help, in the back of my mind, I thought “He can’t/won't help you. You
aren’t living the way He wants you to.”
My entire life I’ve based my worth and other’s ability to
love me on how well I was living up to their expectations. If I felt any kind
of disappointment from them, it would wreck me inside, and I would do all I
could to fix the situation. And that idea carried over to God as well.
So all day, I pondered on that. This morning I listened to a couple of
recent conference talks. While driving around for work, I listened to Christian music on the radio. Just trying to get my heart right in order to find some
kind of peace and answers.
Later this afternoon, I watched an “I’ll Walk With You” video. In it, the
mother was talking about her interactions with a lesbian woman who was in a
relationship with a woman. And this mother was so concerned. She intended to
talk to her and exhort her to a different path. But one day she hugged this
other woman, and was immediately touched and filled with the spirit that expressed
to her that the Lord loved this lesbian woman purely, perfectly and deeply. And
that was all. No feelings of disappointment, or encouragement to this
mother to try and change her. Just pure, deep, unconditional love.
That video touched me.
When I got home, the sun was just beginning to set, so I
decided I would drive to a nice open spot to watch it. I started pulling a few weeds
first from the front rock garden, and as I did I was taught. Just as the Lord
absolutely, perfectly, and purely loved this lesbian woman, He loves me. All of the “I’ll Walk With You”videos that feature parents with gay children – all of
them, every one that turned to Lord to know what to do, received the same
message: Love them. Why? Because God loves them absolutely, and perfectly.
And He let me know, right there, pulling weeds, that He
loves me the exact same way.
As I got in my car and began driving to the causeway, other
thoughts came to my mind. The Lord has a purpose in all He does. And one of His
purposes for me is to help teach other people, other followers of Christ specifically,
how to love more deeply and more unconditionally, more Christ-like. Simply by being me, being who I
am. Gay and Mormon. He loves others as much as He love me. And He wants to help
them learn how to love as He does. It’s my job to Love as Christ does. To serve His
children. And to give them an opportunity to turn to Christ and practice
loving in return. Its my job to love those who
struggle to love me.
So when someone has a hard time with who I am, or the
choices I make, that’s just all part of the process. Rather than take that to
heart and make it about me, I realized today, it's just part of their journey.
And to love and be so glad they have the opportunity to grow and stretch, and
that I can be a part of that.
Every one of us has our own journeys. To compare mine to
someone else's is not only not helpful, but just plain wrong.
It’s my job to be who I am – confidently. And to allow
others their journey of learning to embrace the pure love of Christ.
So, truly and honestly, everything really will be okay. My
path is my own. It is unique. It is not spelled out in church doctrine. But it
is real, true, ordained of God, and mine.
I cried with joy as these realizations filled my heart. God
is so good.
Dear Lord, help me remember.
Friday, October 18, 2013
An Unexpected Answer
If you’ve been following my blog much over the last little
while, you know some of the angst I’ve been feeling – more so lately in the
last year or more.
And over the past week, I’ve experienced a huge shift in focus. A new and unexpected piece to the puzzle of my life.
Something this big can’t, and didn’t just happen overnight. It has been at least two years in the making.
After I turned 40, I remember lying on my bed and thinking, and crying “Is this all that there is for me? If this is what my life, for the next 40 years is going to be like, I don’t want it.” And really, I had only been dealing with these things consciously for the past 10 years. During much of that time, my life has been a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions as I persisted in the idea that the decision I made, once I realized I was gay, to live a celibate life, was the right one. When I found it wasn’t working for me, that I was spiraling downward once again, I figured I just needed to be more patient, have more faith and that it would, eventually, all make sense and get better.
But that day, lying on my bed, I was overwhelmed with the thoughts and feelings of how in the world I was going to squeeze 40 more years out like that – alone, lost, hurting so deeply, confused. I need human connection. I'm not just talking about the few close friendships I have. They are wonderful, to be sure. But they can't, simply by their nature, fill me in the deep, soul connecting ways my soul craves. The need to belong to someone, and them to me. That is what I crave. What I have always craved. What the human soul searches for. And again the idea of living my life in a way that won't allow that made me not want to live my life at all.
But since I thought I had no choice, really, if I were to have the full love and support and acceptance of the Savior that was the only choice I felt I could make. But there was also a huge unbalance there. Because I also knew He wanted me to be happy. To live my life fully. But as I lay there on my bed, I knew I wasn't doing that. And I couldn't see how to do that.
My feelings were often so low, that many times over the past several years, I just wanted to swerve the steering wheel and drive over a cliff. Or hope that some semi would smash into me.
I would rather not be here, than be here persistently feeling this way.
I felt this would certainly be much simpler to deal with on the other side where I didn’t have a body to contend with.
How is that happy? How is that fulfilling? Choosing a life of solitude because I know I can't express certain levels of affection was bringing me more hurt, heart-ache and pain than any peace choosing righteously should have brought me. But I continued in that choice. And really, I didn’t think I could make any other choice, because as hard as it was, I thought for sure it was the right one. The only one. And that I just needed to keep persisting in that, hoping it would get better. Thinking maybe I could find enough peace in remaining separate from the deepest human connection to make it all okay.
Again. Up and down. Over the last two years, more downs than ups. More sorrow than peace. More hurt than joy. More questions than answers. And those answers that did come were always about being patient. The Lord knows me. Trust Him.
Then recently, I had a conversation with a friend that caused me to look once more at this whole issue. I realized I was in a hopeless situation. What I want most, connection, a significant other, someone to love and belong to, could never be a part of my life with the restrictions I had placed on such a relationship. It just couldn’t happen.
And for the first time, I had a reason to really stop and ask and consider what I was doing. What I wanted. What was working and what wasn’t and why. I had to consider if what I had been choosing really was the right thing for me. Was it going to provide me that which had become abundantly clear I needed in my life – that of deep human connection? Of being truly and completely open and honest with myself?
For the first time, two choices became very clear to me - choose to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship and be in that fully, no restrictions, no boundaries. Or choose to stay single and celibate. Because trying to do both, have a fully connected relationship, while trying to remain celibate, wasn’t working. Rather, I was feeling more hurt, sadness, loss, anxiety, confusion and fear. None of which stems from the Savior.
So, I had a long conversation with the Lord not too long ago. Well, what really happened is He sent me over three hours worth of thoughts, ideas and impressions, with me asking a question here and there. I learned a lot of things that night, most of which I won't share, because they feel too personal to me. But what I did come away with, that I can and need to share is that the Lord knows how much I desire human connection. He also knows I am gay, that I always have been, that it wasn't something I chose, so I can't choose any course of action to reverse that. He knows I love Him. That I crave and seek His peace. And I haven't been very good at feeling that to the level I once did. He knows my heart. He knows my soul. He knows it better than I do. So while it wasn't unexpected to receive an answer from Him, the answer I did receive was unexpected.
I'm still sitting with it. Considering it and all that it entails. If I hadn't experienced it for myself, in addition to other confirming experiences, I wouldn't have believed it - not for me anyway. I could believe this answer for someone else, but not for me. And yet, here it was.
If I want to have a meaningful relationship in my life, and if the opportunity comes into my life, my choice now is to pursue that, and all that it entails. By doing so does not mean I have lost my testimony. It does not mean I love the Lord any less. On the contrary, I feel like I can more fully and honestly serve Him by living my full, complete self. Not just spiritually, but emotionally and physically.
This is a huge shift for me, so I've continued sitting with these thoughts and feelings. Recognizing and preparing for the inevitable loss that will most likely come with this decision. I will move on and forward with my life as I have always done. But now with a different focus to any potential and future relationships. The hope of having such a relationship has been opened up to me with the removal of the boundaries that would have kept something like that away.
And, as a friend of mine recently said: “There can be really tough things with which we are dealing or troubles we are going through, but when we know God has our back, there is an element of peace knowing we are in His hands and following a path He has endorsed for us.”
How much more true that feels when we realize the path he has endorsed for us is not what we thought it was all along.
And over the past week, I’ve experienced a huge shift in focus. A new and unexpected piece to the puzzle of my life.
Something this big can’t, and didn’t just happen overnight. It has been at least two years in the making.
After I turned 40, I remember lying on my bed and thinking, and crying “Is this all that there is for me? If this is what my life, for the next 40 years is going to be like, I don’t want it.” And really, I had only been dealing with these things consciously for the past 10 years. During much of that time, my life has been a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions as I persisted in the idea that the decision I made, once I realized I was gay, to live a celibate life, was the right one. When I found it wasn’t working for me, that I was spiraling downward once again, I figured I just needed to be more patient, have more faith and that it would, eventually, all make sense and get better.
But that day, lying on my bed, I was overwhelmed with the thoughts and feelings of how in the world I was going to squeeze 40 more years out like that – alone, lost, hurting so deeply, confused. I need human connection. I'm not just talking about the few close friendships I have. They are wonderful, to be sure. But they can't, simply by their nature, fill me in the deep, soul connecting ways my soul craves. The need to belong to someone, and them to me. That is what I crave. What I have always craved. What the human soul searches for. And again the idea of living my life in a way that won't allow that made me not want to live my life at all.
But since I thought I had no choice, really, if I were to have the full love and support and acceptance of the Savior that was the only choice I felt I could make. But there was also a huge unbalance there. Because I also knew He wanted me to be happy. To live my life fully. But as I lay there on my bed, I knew I wasn't doing that. And I couldn't see how to do that.
My feelings were often so low, that many times over the past several years, I just wanted to swerve the steering wheel and drive over a cliff. Or hope that some semi would smash into me.
I would rather not be here, than be here persistently feeling this way.
I felt this would certainly be much simpler to deal with on the other side where I didn’t have a body to contend with.
How is that happy? How is that fulfilling? Choosing a life of solitude because I know I can't express certain levels of affection was bringing me more hurt, heart-ache and pain than any peace choosing righteously should have brought me. But I continued in that choice. And really, I didn’t think I could make any other choice, because as hard as it was, I thought for sure it was the right one. The only one. And that I just needed to keep persisting in that, hoping it would get better. Thinking maybe I could find enough peace in remaining separate from the deepest human connection to make it all okay.
Again. Up and down. Over the last two years, more downs than ups. More sorrow than peace. More hurt than joy. More questions than answers. And those answers that did come were always about being patient. The Lord knows me. Trust Him.
Then recently, I had a conversation with a friend that caused me to look once more at this whole issue. I realized I was in a hopeless situation. What I want most, connection, a significant other, someone to love and belong to, could never be a part of my life with the restrictions I had placed on such a relationship. It just couldn’t happen.
And for the first time, I had a reason to really stop and ask and consider what I was doing. What I wanted. What was working and what wasn’t and why. I had to consider if what I had been choosing really was the right thing for me. Was it going to provide me that which had become abundantly clear I needed in my life – that of deep human connection? Of being truly and completely open and honest with myself?
For the first time, two choices became very clear to me - choose to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship and be in that fully, no restrictions, no boundaries. Or choose to stay single and celibate. Because trying to do both, have a fully connected relationship, while trying to remain celibate, wasn’t working. Rather, I was feeling more hurt, sadness, loss, anxiety, confusion and fear. None of which stems from the Savior.
So, I had a long conversation with the Lord not too long ago. Well, what really happened is He sent me over three hours worth of thoughts, ideas and impressions, with me asking a question here and there. I learned a lot of things that night, most of which I won't share, because they feel too personal to me. But what I did come away with, that I can and need to share is that the Lord knows how much I desire human connection. He also knows I am gay, that I always have been, that it wasn't something I chose, so I can't choose any course of action to reverse that. He knows I love Him. That I crave and seek His peace. And I haven't been very good at feeling that to the level I once did. He knows my heart. He knows my soul. He knows it better than I do. So while it wasn't unexpected to receive an answer from Him, the answer I did receive was unexpected.
I'm still sitting with it. Considering it and all that it entails. If I hadn't experienced it for myself, in addition to other confirming experiences, I wouldn't have believed it - not for me anyway. I could believe this answer for someone else, but not for me. And yet, here it was.
If I want to have a meaningful relationship in my life, and if the opportunity comes into my life, my choice now is to pursue that, and all that it entails. By doing so does not mean I have lost my testimony. It does not mean I love the Lord any less. On the contrary, I feel like I can more fully and honestly serve Him by living my full, complete self. Not just spiritually, but emotionally and physically.
This is a huge shift for me, so I've continued sitting with these thoughts and feelings. Recognizing and preparing for the inevitable loss that will most likely come with this decision. I will move on and forward with my life as I have always done. But now with a different focus to any potential and future relationships. The hope of having such a relationship has been opened up to me with the removal of the boundaries that would have kept something like that away.
And, as a friend of mine recently said: “There can be really tough things with which we are dealing or troubles we are going through, but when we know God has our back, there is an element of peace knowing we are in His hands and following a path He has endorsed for us.”
How much more true that feels when we realize the path he has endorsed for us is not what we thought it was all along.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Great Ward
I have a pretty great ward.
For those of you in my ward (and stake) who read this...Thank You!
Thank you for loving me just the way I am. Thank you for trying to understand. Thanks for staying my friend and for not running away screaming. Or even running away silently. That means the world to me.
You have no idea how your friendship has helped me these last several months.
For those of you in my ward (and stake) who read this...Thank You!
Thank you for loving me just the way I am. Thank you for trying to understand. Thanks for staying my friend and for not running away screaming. Or even running away silently. That means the world to me.
You have no idea how your friendship has helped me these last several months.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Lasting Influence
I've never really had a problem with Mother's Day. Not until yesterday, that is. I mean, people in the ward try so hard to be inclusive. But I think lately, that "going out of your way to be inclusive" has felt more exclusive than anything.
"You're a mother in the ward." "You have great influence on our youth." "You are a mother to so many." Well, while I appreciate the effort to try an include me, all I can really think is "No, I'm not a mother. I'm a youth leader. I'm a woman. But that doesn't make me a mother. I have no posterity. And now I'm reminded once again that I'm just a little different than most other women in the ward."
During Sacrament meeting one of the mothers in the ward was giving a talk. She spoke for a moment about one of her good friends who died suddenly. This friend was 41 years old, never been married, but had had such a great influence on the lives of those around her. That just got to me. I was already feeling a bit sorry for myself (that's always when things are hardest, when I'm feeling all sorry for myself), and then this description of this individual. And I couldn't help it, I just started to cry. It wasn't even that I was single and had never had kids (and probably never will). It was more that I wonder if my life means anything at all to those around me. What kind of influence do I really have on anyone? If I were to die tomorrow, who would remember me? Who would remember me a year from now?
I do have children in my life who I am connected to in some way - nieces, nephews, faux children - but my influence on their lives is minor, temporary, short-lived. If I were gone, they would probably miss me for a while, but that would be more or less fleeting. Their lives would go on pretty much unaltered.
I kind of hoped I would have a dream showing me what influence I did have on those around me. I didn't. So all I can do is wonder. And hope that I'm wrong. Hope that my life does mean something. That my influence is felt in lasting ways.
I hate being whiny. But sometimes I just am. I still have a lot to learn.
"You're a mother in the ward." "You have great influence on our youth." "You are a mother to so many." Well, while I appreciate the effort to try an include me, all I can really think is "No, I'm not a mother. I'm a youth leader. I'm a woman. But that doesn't make me a mother. I have no posterity. And now I'm reminded once again that I'm just a little different than most other women in the ward."
During Sacrament meeting one of the mothers in the ward was giving a talk. She spoke for a moment about one of her good friends who died suddenly. This friend was 41 years old, never been married, but had had such a great influence on the lives of those around her. That just got to me. I was already feeling a bit sorry for myself (that's always when things are hardest, when I'm feeling all sorry for myself), and then this description of this individual. And I couldn't help it, I just started to cry. It wasn't even that I was single and had never had kids (and probably never will). It was more that I wonder if my life means anything at all to those around me. What kind of influence do I really have on anyone? If I were to die tomorrow, who would remember me? Who would remember me a year from now?
I do have children in my life who I am connected to in some way - nieces, nephews, faux children - but my influence on their lives is minor, temporary, short-lived. If I were gone, they would probably miss me for a while, but that would be more or less fleeting. Their lives would go on pretty much unaltered.
I kind of hoped I would have a dream showing me what influence I did have on those around me. I didn't. So all I can do is wonder. And hope that I'm wrong. Hope that my life does mean something. That my influence is felt in lasting ways.
I hate being whiny. But sometimes I just am. I still have a lot to learn.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Focus
I haven't given this a lot of thought yet, but here's what's just beginning to surface.
Where I place my focus plays such a huge role in how I feel from day to day. Lately, my focus has been on what I feel I lack, what I feel I will never have or be able to give, what I feel I'm not good at, where I struggle, where I fall short - I'm not social enough, I'm not clever enough, I'm not smart enough to have people really like me and want to spend time with me. So how do you think I've been feeling this last little while? A bit sorry for myself.
I'm not sure why I let myself go there. And then once I'm there, it's really hard to pull myself out of it on my own. The way I've found lately of being able to pull myself out is to take the time to vent about it to someone. To share my insecurities. Maybe to cry. That gets it out of my head and into the open where I can look more clearly at it. As I'm able to do that, I realize where I am and why I'm there, and can make the decision to change that focus.
So my efforts at changing my attitude include focusing on what I can do, what I do have, what I can offer. Seeing myself more clearly as my Heavenly Father does. Remembering that I am a pretty great person. I may not be as outgoing or clever or intellectual as some, but I do have something to offer. I am fun. I am kind. I love the Lord more than anything. I have good friends who all I have to do is reach out to them to be seen and understood.
There's a famous quote from Helen Keller that pretty much sums up what this post is about today:
Where I place my focus plays such a huge role in how I feel from day to day. Lately, my focus has been on what I feel I lack, what I feel I will never have or be able to give, what I feel I'm not good at, where I struggle, where I fall short - I'm not social enough, I'm not clever enough, I'm not smart enough to have people really like me and want to spend time with me. So how do you think I've been feeling this last little while? A bit sorry for myself.
I'm not sure why I let myself go there. And then once I'm there, it's really hard to pull myself out of it on my own. The way I've found lately of being able to pull myself out is to take the time to vent about it to someone. To share my insecurities. Maybe to cry. That gets it out of my head and into the open where I can look more clearly at it. As I'm able to do that, I realize where I am and why I'm there, and can make the decision to change that focus.
So my efforts at changing my attitude include focusing on what I can do, what I do have, what I can offer. Seeing myself more clearly as my Heavenly Father does. Remembering that I am a pretty great person. I may not be as outgoing or clever or intellectual as some, but I do have something to offer. I am fun. I am kind. I love the Lord more than anything. I have good friends who all I have to do is reach out to them to be seen and understood.
There's a famous quote from Helen Keller that pretty much sums up what this post is about today:
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow."
Friday, May 13, 2011
Accepting, Learning, Living
Accepting:
I've gone from complete denial about my attractions, to mostly in denial but still hiding from them, to accepting that they are there, but being bound and determined to make them go away or turn into something more "normal", to accepting that they are indeed a part of who I am and a part of my experience in life.
Learning:
For the rest of my life I get to learn. I get to learn about things. I get to learn about people. I get to learn about myself and how I function, how I handle things, how I act or react to different situations. I get to learn how to manage my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I get to learn how to communicate better. I get to learn what my triggers are and how to avoid them, or even better, how to deal with them effectively.
There are so many things to learn, and the best way to do that is to live.
Living:
My attractions are indeed a part of me, and they aren't going away. But I am not about to pull inside of myself and stop living. I am not about to hide from people out of fear that I might find myself crushing on someone, or being totally smitten by someone. How can I ever truly learn to manage my feelings in an acceptable way to myself if I close myself off to connecting with people? I need people. And I really enjoy connecting with them. I'm not saying I'm good at connecting, but when I can, I enjoy it. But if I worried that I might fall for someone if I let myself get too close, then I would likely end up living a very isolated life and learning very little about myself. That doesn't sound fun to me at all.
There are places and situations that are best left alone - but not necessarily because of this SSA stuff. More so because of the potential loss of the Spirit that might occur. Otherwise, I believe that hiding only delays learning and growth. Sure, I might find myself in a situation that is emotionally and/or mentally taxing, but by facing that, and doing so honestly and diligently, I can learn and grow and become a better person overall.
When I was going through therapy I had to deal with and face many challenging, painful and emotionally taxing and draining things. I could have avoided going to those places, because it was hard. But then where would I be? Still stuck where I was. Rather, I adopted an attitude of "Hard is not bad". In other words, it's okay to go through and face hard things. And now I feel like a very much improved version of myself. I grew and gained a lot of personal knowledge and understanding - on levels physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
I wouldn't give that up just to avoid potentially painful or hard situations.
I've gone from complete denial about my attractions, to mostly in denial but still hiding from them, to accepting that they are there, but being bound and determined to make them go away or turn into something more "normal", to accepting that they are indeed a part of who I am and a part of my experience in life.
Learning:
For the rest of my life I get to learn. I get to learn about things. I get to learn about people. I get to learn about myself and how I function, how I handle things, how I act or react to different situations. I get to learn how to manage my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I get to learn how to communicate better. I get to learn what my triggers are and how to avoid them, or even better, how to deal with them effectively.
There are so many things to learn, and the best way to do that is to live.
Living:
My attractions are indeed a part of me, and they aren't going away. But I am not about to pull inside of myself and stop living. I am not about to hide from people out of fear that I might find myself crushing on someone, or being totally smitten by someone. How can I ever truly learn to manage my feelings in an acceptable way to myself if I close myself off to connecting with people? I need people. And I really enjoy connecting with them. I'm not saying I'm good at connecting, but when I can, I enjoy it. But if I worried that I might fall for someone if I let myself get too close, then I would likely end up living a very isolated life and learning very little about myself. That doesn't sound fun to me at all.
There are places and situations that are best left alone - but not necessarily because of this SSA stuff. More so because of the potential loss of the Spirit that might occur. Otherwise, I believe that hiding only delays learning and growth. Sure, I might find myself in a situation that is emotionally and/or mentally taxing, but by facing that, and doing so honestly and diligently, I can learn and grow and become a better person overall.
When I was going through therapy I had to deal with and face many challenging, painful and emotionally taxing and draining things. I could have avoided going to those places, because it was hard. But then where would I be? Still stuck where I was. Rather, I adopted an attitude of "Hard is not bad". In other words, it's okay to go through and face hard things. And now I feel like a very much improved version of myself. I grew and gained a lot of personal knowledge and understanding - on levels physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
I wouldn't give that up just to avoid potentially painful or hard situations.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Journal Processing
Every now and then I like to include entries from past journals. Right now, I am looking at entries from about 9 years ago, when I first began my journey of figuring myself out. It's interesting to review and see what I was struggling with and consider if I've grown in that area since then. I'm happy to say that so far I can see I have grown and changed and increased in my depth of understanding. However, some things I find I do still worry about or struggle with.
Journal Entry
January 2, 2002
"What hit me tonight as I walked Harley was how afraid I am. Afraid I won't win, afraid it will be so hard, afraid of being labeled or judged - or that others will misunderstand. I need to be in control - control of who I am, in control of the choices I make. I do not want anyone, or any thing, any feeling, any habit, any addiction, anything controlling my choices. Controlling what I think or feel or do or say.
And I am afraid of that. Afraid that it will be so hard to not give in to my fears and temptations and weaknesses. I am afraid that others won't understand that, and will feel that I am just making myself more unhappy by trying to fight and stay in control. I am afraid that I will believe them because that is my habit - believe what others say over what I think I need or want - because I often do not trust my own opinion. I am afraid I will question and doubt my own feelings.
I am afraid of the challenge and the work that I face ahead of me. I just want this stuff to be over and that's it.
I am angry. Angry that I have to heal and fix all this stuff from my past. Stuff I didn't realize was happening - stuff I didn't realize was there - but now I have to deal with it. Now I have to fix it.
Is that the wrong attitude? Should I be grateful because this will bring me closer to my Heavenly Father? Maybe. But I still have to deal with it. It's still hard. And I am beginning to think this is something I will be dealing with my whole life! I don't want to. I want to do the healing now, and be done with it!
I thought I was getting better. But the more I go, the more I think about things and deal with things, the more I feel like I am not even remotely ready for much of any kind of relationship.
When I think about dating someone (men) - it really scares me. I don't think I am ready. I don't think I want to. But I know if someone asked, I would go - because well, partly out of curiosity - to see how it feels to date again. To see how I would react and feel about the situation all together. And just to have something to do. But mostly it would be out of curiosity to see how I feel with the whole thing.
I am human. I have weaknesses. The sooner I really and truly understand and accept this, the better off I will be. Because I am still hiding so much, I am sure. I am still trying to maintain some type of illusion that I am all okay. That all is well. When the truth is I don't think I really am. And that scares me. That makes me very afraid, and embarrassed, and nervous and insecure.
I am embarrassed that I am not more in control than I would like to be, than I think I should be. I am embarrassed that I have insecurities, that I have weaknesses, that I have fears. Why? Why does that embarrass me? Why does it embarrass me not to be in control? To have fears, to have questions?
I thought back in September (2001) that if I opened up, confessed, was honest with myself and others, I would heal. I didn't realize then that the wound ran so deep."
Journal Entry
January 2, 2002
"What hit me tonight as I walked Harley was how afraid I am. Afraid I won't win, afraid it will be so hard, afraid of being labeled or judged - or that others will misunderstand. I need to be in control - control of who I am, in control of the choices I make. I do not want anyone, or any thing, any feeling, any habit, any addiction, anything controlling my choices. Controlling what I think or feel or do or say.
And I am afraid of that. Afraid that it will be so hard to not give in to my fears and temptations and weaknesses. I am afraid that others won't understand that, and will feel that I am just making myself more unhappy by trying to fight and stay in control. I am afraid that I will believe them because that is my habit - believe what others say over what I think I need or want - because I often do not trust my own opinion. I am afraid I will question and doubt my own feelings.
I am afraid of the challenge and the work that I face ahead of me. I just want this stuff to be over and that's it.
I am angry. Angry that I have to heal and fix all this stuff from my past. Stuff I didn't realize was happening - stuff I didn't realize was there - but now I have to deal with it. Now I have to fix it.
Is that the wrong attitude? Should I be grateful because this will bring me closer to my Heavenly Father? Maybe. But I still have to deal with it. It's still hard. And I am beginning to think this is something I will be dealing with my whole life! I don't want to. I want to do the healing now, and be done with it!
I thought I was getting better. But the more I go, the more I think about things and deal with things, the more I feel like I am not even remotely ready for much of any kind of relationship.
When I think about dating someone (men) - it really scares me. I don't think I am ready. I don't think I want to. But I know if someone asked, I would go - because well, partly out of curiosity - to see how it feels to date again. To see how I would react and feel about the situation all together. And just to have something to do. But mostly it would be out of curiosity to see how I feel with the whole thing.
I am human. I have weaknesses. The sooner I really and truly understand and accept this, the better off I will be. Because I am still hiding so much, I am sure. I am still trying to maintain some type of illusion that I am all okay. That all is well. When the truth is I don't think I really am. And that scares me. That makes me very afraid, and embarrassed, and nervous and insecure.
I am embarrassed that I am not more in control than I would like to be, than I think I should be. I am embarrassed that I have insecurities, that I have weaknesses, that I have fears. Why? Why does that embarrass me? Why does it embarrass me not to be in control? To have fears, to have questions?
I thought back in September (2001) that if I opened up, confessed, was honest with myself and others, I would heal. I didn't realize then that the wound ran so deep."
Monday, February 21, 2011
Needing to Feel Loved
Journal Entry
October 7, 2001
"My...future is unsure. And I guess I am feeling a bit depressed about that. The ever present struggle with whether I am loved or cared about. If I matter. I know people love me, but for some reason I need reaffirming of that often. I need to feel it more than I do...."
October 11, 2001
"I'm in one of my moods where I need to be needed, where I need to know I am cared about. I am not sure what brings that on - I bet if I sat and thought long enough I could get to the core.
I need to somehow learn how to love myself - to be okay with who I am. To recognize my weaknesses and work to overcome them, but love them because they are a part of me. Or at least to recognize the effort I put into overcoming that stuff. To be ok with my feelings and the way I choose to deal with them or not.
I need to be loved - not just by a friend or my mom - but I need someone to love me, and want to be with me. Someone who I can love in return. And right now the only love I am getting is from my family and my friends - who are all women. That puts my mind and my heart in places I don't feel good going. Same sex relationships can only go as far as a good friend - not any deeper. But because I long to be loved and needed, I am finding myself looking more to my friends for that love. And that is just messing with my mind and my heart in a way that they don't need to be messed with.
I am going to talk to a counselor about all of this and pray that she can help me sort through it all. The more I have the spirit with me, the stronger I am. I need to trust in and lean on the savior."
October 7, 2001
"My...future is unsure. And I guess I am feeling a bit depressed about that. The ever present struggle with whether I am loved or cared about. If I matter. I know people love me, but for some reason I need reaffirming of that often. I need to feel it more than I do...."
October 11, 2001
"I'm in one of my moods where I need to be needed, where I need to know I am cared about. I am not sure what brings that on - I bet if I sat and thought long enough I could get to the core.
I need to somehow learn how to love myself - to be okay with who I am. To recognize my weaknesses and work to overcome them, but love them because they are a part of me. Or at least to recognize the effort I put into overcoming that stuff. To be ok with my feelings and the way I choose to deal with them or not.
I need to be loved - not just by a friend or my mom - but I need someone to love me, and want to be with me. Someone who I can love in return. And right now the only love I am getting is from my family and my friends - who are all women. That puts my mind and my heart in places I don't feel good going. Same sex relationships can only go as far as a good friend - not any deeper. But because I long to be loved and needed, I am finding myself looking more to my friends for that love. And that is just messing with my mind and my heart in a way that they don't need to be messed with.
I am going to talk to a counselor about all of this and pray that she can help me sort through it all. The more I have the spirit with me, the stronger I am. I need to trust in and lean on the savior."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Some Life Lessons
I'm not sure how to word this post. All too often lately, I have spoken words out of self-absorption without really working through them or truly considering how they might affect another person. I don't want to do that again. Because the results have lead to inaccurate conclusions by others. Of course, I don't blame them. I'm sure if I were told some of the things I've said lately, I would come to the same conclusions, and they just aren't accurate. So with that vague introduction, what is it I want to say?
I need to preface this post with this: I am lazy by nature. Things that take too much effort, especially mental effort, I tend to minimize or avoid. I am not a deep thinker. I am not an analyzer. For me, those things just take too much effort, and I would rather be thinking about and focusing on lighter things. But then something happened several years ago that forced me to start digging internally.
I realized I was attracted to women. And I realized my self-esteem was in the toilet. My self-esteem was indeed "other-esteem".
Thus followed years of self work. Years of mental and emotional and spiritual work. Years of trying to find self-love, self-confidence, and self-worth. Realizing I was attracted to women was the catalyst to begin this more important work of discovering myself.
Ultimately this effort, combined with sincere prayer, lead me to a moment of true revelation where the Spirit was finally able to get through to me and show me a glimpse of who I was. It was a wonderful, sacred moment. I was at once not just mentally aware of my worth, but deeply, wholly and spiritually aware of it. I could with all honesty say I loved myself. Truly, deeply, and completely. It was a moment of true enlightenment.
This was such an incredible moment for me, that I was sure I would never forget the feelings of that day. I was sure I would never lose sight of who I was, my value and worth. That I would never again need others to show me my worth, because I received that assurance from a much greater and purer source.
Years went by and I found that when I was faced with moments of doubt that I only had to reflect back on that experience, and I was once again buoyed up and assured that I was of worth. However, because my nature is still lazy, I recognize now that I quit making efforts to strengthen the truth that I had received. I quit working on my own self-worth truths. Why? Because I began getting that reassurance from another person. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. Not at all. But for someone who is lazy mentally and emotionally, receiving such powerful assurance of my worth from somewhere other than within allowed me to stop working on and cultivating it myself. Before too long, and without me even realizing it had happened, I once again was relying on "other-esteem".
And that could have continued indefinitely had not the one constant in life not occurred - change. A change began to happen with the person who I was receiving all my self-assurance from. As this change continued, progressed and more fully developed, I found my foundation of "self-worth" slipping from me. I tried to reflect back on that moment of revelation and stability, and found it lacked the power it once had for me. I had forgotten what it means to have self-worth. Forgotten it quite deeply. I had relied so heavily on the worth I felt from another, that I totally abandoned the effort to cultivate self-worth within.
Now, this is not to say that the other person withdrew everything emotionally strengthening from me. Not at all. But the change was enough, and my own foundation of worth so fragile, that I was not able to stand on my own during this change. I needed the validation, as it had always come, in order to be okay with myself. And while that validation and that love had not gone anywhere, it was different. And that was enough to cause my foundation to crumble from under me.
I realized with quite a bit self-disappointment what I had done. I had, unknowingly, put all my feelings of value and worth onto another person. I had become emotionally unhealthy once again. And placed a huge and un-fair burden onto another person.
I am so sorry.
I am also very grateful for this person's own sense of self to have the courage and understanding to move towards their own change as they felt they needed to. Because it helped me to realize where I went wrong. And that I relied way to heavily on them for validation of my worth. That validation is my responsibility. Not theirs. I am sorry.
So now begins my journey once again. I must regain my own sense of self-worth. I must make the effort to find my value from within, notwithstanding any outward influence.
There is analogy for this. It is like doing bench presses in a gym. I begin and struggle to lift the weight. I start out small and light, but over time I get strong enough and confident enough that I can lift the desired weight on my own. Then a spotter comes along to assist me. And gradually, I let the spotter do more and more of the work, while I simply go through the motions. But it is so gradual that neither of us realize who is carrying the majority of the weight. Then something changes, the spotter shifts their grip, changes their stance, removes a hand, and suddenly all the weight comes back to me. And because I haven't really been doing the work on my own for so long, I no longer have the strength to lift the desired weight. So now I have a choice, I can either whine and complain to the spotter to start lifting the weight again, so I can go through the motions of doing a bench press, or take that responsibility back to myself, and relearn how to lift the weight on my own. Of course, the best answer is clean. And although it's maybe a more difficult answer, it is the only real way to keep growing and learning. And this time I've hopefully learned what the spotter is truly for, being there to help if I get in over my head, but not carrying all the weight for me.
It may not be a perfect analogy, but to sum everything up, I have made an important realization - I have let my sense of worth rest squarely on the shoulders of another person. That is neither healthy nor fair. It is time for me to rediscover my own 'self' worth.
I need to preface this post with this: I am lazy by nature. Things that take too much effort, especially mental effort, I tend to minimize or avoid. I am not a deep thinker. I am not an analyzer. For me, those things just take too much effort, and I would rather be thinking about and focusing on lighter things. But then something happened several years ago that forced me to start digging internally.
I realized I was attracted to women. And I realized my self-esteem was in the toilet. My self-esteem was indeed "other-esteem".
Thus followed years of self work. Years of mental and emotional and spiritual work. Years of trying to find self-love, self-confidence, and self-worth. Realizing I was attracted to women was the catalyst to begin this more important work of discovering myself.
Ultimately this effort, combined with sincere prayer, lead me to a moment of true revelation where the Spirit was finally able to get through to me and show me a glimpse of who I was. It was a wonderful, sacred moment. I was at once not just mentally aware of my worth, but deeply, wholly and spiritually aware of it. I could with all honesty say I loved myself. Truly, deeply, and completely. It was a moment of true enlightenment.
This was such an incredible moment for me, that I was sure I would never forget the feelings of that day. I was sure I would never lose sight of who I was, my value and worth. That I would never again need others to show me my worth, because I received that assurance from a much greater and purer source.
Years went by and I found that when I was faced with moments of doubt that I only had to reflect back on that experience, and I was once again buoyed up and assured that I was of worth. However, because my nature is still lazy, I recognize now that I quit making efforts to strengthen the truth that I had received. I quit working on my own self-worth truths. Why? Because I began getting that reassurance from another person. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. Not at all. But for someone who is lazy mentally and emotionally, receiving such powerful assurance of my worth from somewhere other than within allowed me to stop working on and cultivating it myself. Before too long, and without me even realizing it had happened, I once again was relying on "other-esteem".
And that could have continued indefinitely had not the one constant in life not occurred - change. A change began to happen with the person who I was receiving all my self-assurance from. As this change continued, progressed and more fully developed, I found my foundation of "self-worth" slipping from me. I tried to reflect back on that moment of revelation and stability, and found it lacked the power it once had for me. I had forgotten what it means to have self-worth. Forgotten it quite deeply. I had relied so heavily on the worth I felt from another, that I totally abandoned the effort to cultivate self-worth within.
Now, this is not to say that the other person withdrew everything emotionally strengthening from me. Not at all. But the change was enough, and my own foundation of worth so fragile, that I was not able to stand on my own during this change. I needed the validation, as it had always come, in order to be okay with myself. And while that validation and that love had not gone anywhere, it was different. And that was enough to cause my foundation to crumble from under me.
I realized with quite a bit self-disappointment what I had done. I had, unknowingly, put all my feelings of value and worth onto another person. I had become emotionally unhealthy once again. And placed a huge and un-fair burden onto another person.
I am so sorry.
I am also very grateful for this person's own sense of self to have the courage and understanding to move towards their own change as they felt they needed to. Because it helped me to realize where I went wrong. And that I relied way to heavily on them for validation of my worth. That validation is my responsibility. Not theirs. I am sorry.
So now begins my journey once again. I must regain my own sense of self-worth. I must make the effort to find my value from within, notwithstanding any outward influence.
There is analogy for this. It is like doing bench presses in a gym. I begin and struggle to lift the weight. I start out small and light, but over time I get strong enough and confident enough that I can lift the desired weight on my own. Then a spotter comes along to assist me. And gradually, I let the spotter do more and more of the work, while I simply go through the motions. But it is so gradual that neither of us realize who is carrying the majority of the weight. Then something changes, the spotter shifts their grip, changes their stance, removes a hand, and suddenly all the weight comes back to me. And because I haven't really been doing the work on my own for so long, I no longer have the strength to lift the desired weight. So now I have a choice, I can either whine and complain to the spotter to start lifting the weight again, so I can go through the motions of doing a bench press, or take that responsibility back to myself, and relearn how to lift the weight on my own. Of course, the best answer is clean. And although it's maybe a more difficult answer, it is the only real way to keep growing and learning. And this time I've hopefully learned what the spotter is truly for, being there to help if I get in over my head, but not carrying all the weight for me.
It may not be a perfect analogy, but to sum everything up, I have made an important realization - I have let my sense of worth rest squarely on the shoulders of another person. That is neither healthy nor fair. It is time for me to rediscover my own 'self' worth.
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