Finding Peace in Truth

I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to be writing this post. But I have also been praying to feel more connected, to feel more whole and complete, to recognize my blessings, to know the Lord's will for me. And as I sat here just a bit ago writing in my journal, and then catching up on facebook, the idea of writing this post came to me. So I'm following up on that thought.

I'm not even sure I know what I want to say or how to say it.

But if you are here at my blog reading this (for the first time), you likely also read the "about me" section and blog description. So I guess it's kind of already been said.

Many people in my life know I'm gay. My family knows and a few close friends, as well as some acquaintances in the "gay community" and elsewhere. But for the most part, I'm still mostly closeted. I don't share that part of my life much. I don't particularly hide it, but I also don't usually bring it up in conversation even if the timing feels okay. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. Those who do know have been absolutely, amazingly wonderful. Thank you. However, fear of rejection is certainly still there.  Fear of trying to explain that although I am indeed gay, I am also very happily active LDS and live those standards the best I can.

So, yeah. It can get complicated. And sometimes I just don't want to try and explain all that. And then there's that little nagging thing that comes up for me much too often - fear of being judged, or worse, misjudged. Judged by the LDS community for being gay. Judged by the gay community for remaining active LDS. However, I guess if someone wants/needs to judge, that's none of my business.

So, despite that fear, I felt it was time to publicly "out"  myself. For what reason, I don't fully know. What I do know is this:

• I am a daughter of God. He knows and loves me exactly the way I am. 
• The Savior does indeed live. He has called prophets and apostles in this time (as in times of old) to lead and carry forth His Church and Gospel to the world. 
• Joseph Smith did indeed see God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ in the flesh. Through him, the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ was brought to light, and Christ's church was fully restored to the Earth.
• I am not, nor have I ever been attracted to men. But oh how I've tried. I've tried and tried, because it would sure make life a lot easier. Alas...
• For whatever reason, I am a gay woman.  

And believe it or not, that has been one of the most amazing blessings in my life. Because it has caused me to seek out my Savior time and time and time again. My relationship with Him has been strengthened as I have struggled to make sense of the life before me. There are still so many things I don't know. So much that still brings hurt and heartache. But I love and trust in the Lord. He is my strength. He is my redeemer. His spirit brings peace in the most unlikely times and places.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you."

Journal Processing

Every now and then I like to include entries from past journals. Right now, I am looking at entries from about 9 years ago, when I first began my journey of figuring myself out. It's interesting to review and see what I was struggling with and consider if I've grown in that area since then. I'm happy to say that so far I can see I have grown and changed and increased in my depth of understanding. However, some things I find I do still worry about or struggle with.

Journal Entry
January 2, 2002

"What hit me tonight as I walked Harley was how afraid I am. Afraid I won't win, afraid it will be so hard, afraid of being labeled or judged - or that others will misunderstand. I need to be in control - control of who I am, in control of the choices I make. I do not want anyone, or any thing, any feeling, any habit, any addiction, anything controlling my choices. Controlling what I think or feel or do or say.

And I am afraid of that. Afraid that it will be so hard to not give in to my fears and temptations and weaknesses. I am afraid that others won't understand that, and will feel that I am just making myself more unhappy by trying to fight and stay in control. I am afraid that I will believe them because that is my habit - believe what others say over what I think I need or want - because I often do not trust my own opinion. I am afraid I will question and doubt my own feelings.

I am afraid of the challenge and the work that I face ahead of me. I just want this stuff to be over and that's it.

I am angry. Angry that I have to heal and fix all this stuff from my past. Stuff I didn't realize was happening - stuff I didn't realize was there - but now I have to deal with it. Now I have to fix it.

Is that the wrong attitude? Should I be grateful because this will bring me closer to my Heavenly Father? Maybe. But I still have to deal with it. It's still hard. And I am beginning to think this is something I will be dealing with my whole life! I don't want to. I want to do the healing now, and be done with it!

I thought I was getting better. But the more I go, the more I think about things and deal with things, the more I feel like I am not even remotely ready for much of any kind of relationship.

When I think about dating someone (men) - it really scares me. I don't think I am ready. I don't think I want to. But I know if someone asked, I would go - because well, partly out of curiosity - to see how it feels to date again. To see how I would react and feel about the situation all together. And just to have something to do. But mostly it would be out of curiosity to see how I feel with the whole thing.

I am human. I have weaknesses. The sooner I really and truly understand and accept this, the better off I will be. Because I am still hiding so much, I am sure. I am still trying to maintain some type of illusion that I am all okay. That all is well. When the truth is I don't think I really am. And that scares me. That makes me very afraid, and embarrassed, and nervous and insecure. 

I am embarrassed that I am not more in control than I would like to be, than I think I should be. I am embarrassed that I have insecurities, that I have weaknesses, that I have fears. Why? Why does that embarrass me? Why does it embarrass me not to be in control? To have fears, to have questions?

I thought back in September (2001) that if I opened up, confessed, was honest with myself and others, I would heal. I didn't realize then that the wound ran so deep."

Needing to Feel Loved

Journal Entry
October 7, 2001

"My...future is unsure. And I guess I am feeling a bit depressed about that. The ever present struggle with whether I am loved or cared about. If I matter. I know people love me, but for some reason I need reaffirming of that often. I need to feel it more than I do...."

October 11, 2001

"I'm in one of my moods where I need to be needed, where I need to know I am cared about. I am not sure what brings that on - I bet if I sat and thought long enough I could get to the core.

I need to somehow learn how to love myself - to be okay with who I am. To recognize my weaknesses and work to overcome them, but love them because they are a part of me. Or at least to recognize the effort I put into overcoming that stuff. To be ok with my feelings and the way I choose to deal with them or not.

I need to be loved - not just by a friend or my mom - but I need someone to love me, and want to be with me. Someone who I can love in return. And right now the only love I am getting is from my family and my friends - who are all women. That puts my mind and my heart in places I don't feel good going. Same sex relationships can only go as far as a good friend - not any deeper. But because I long to be loved and needed, I am finding myself looking more to my friends for that love. And that is just messing with my mind and my heart in a way that they don't need to be messed with.

I am going to talk to a counselor about all of this and pray that she can help me sort through it all. The more I have the spirit with me, the stronger I am. I need to trust in and lean on the savior."

A Trip to Colorado

Journal Entry - September 26, 2001

"Tomorrow Annette and I are going to Colorado to visit some friends. Actually, most of who we are visiting are Annette's friends, so mostly I am just tagging along for the ride. Kinda' weird - but I am sure it will be fun."


September 29, 2001

"We drove for 10 hrs along Hwy 40...to get here. It was a beautiful drive...

We went over to 'Linda' and 'Cathy's' place for dinner. It was yummy. On Friday, Nets and I met up with 'Rachael' (from the bike ride) and went on a bike ride. We picked up 'Rachael's' friend, Kat and got a little to eat.

Then we came back to 'Dennis'' (Annette's brother) place, ... made dinner and 'Linda' and 'Cathy' came over to eat. We had a nice conversation. I felt a bit uncomfortable during parts (the gay relationship stuff - they are all gay) but not too bad. I don't worry if people think I am gay - but I do wonder. I wonder what they think, what their thoughts about me are. That I seem so ok with hanging around with gay people is funny to them - especially since I am an active Mormon - and most LDS people are not ok with that. And again, I am not ok with the lifestyle, but these are my friends, and I accept them and love them for who they are.

It has been mentioned before that it takes someone who is totally ok with who they are (sexually, I guess) to be able to really be ok with spending time with gay people. I like to think that refers to me. The truth is I do struggle a bit, not with what I hope for and want, because that is totally clear, my goal in that respect is sure. But I do struggle with what I at times feel. And I think (and wonder) if that shows through to people. Which is why I wonder what people think. I don't think it would change much how I act, and who I spend time with. But it may - who knows. I might find I am more guarded. I guess in some ways that's good, but in other ways not so good."


October 5, 2001

"Saturday night last week in Denver was bad for me. The day was fun. We went also with a guy named 'Rich' - Dennis' friend. He was very nice, and fun. And we all had a good day, all day. Then when we dropped him back off at his hotel room, they all got into a discussion - that basically included the Church and gays. He made a lot of comments that were very offensive to me. Not so much the words he said, although that had a lot to do with it, but it was mostly how he said it. It was belittling, mocking - taking things sacred and holy and dragging them through the mud - mocking and ridiculing Joseph Smith and other church leaders I have the greatest respect and admiration for. It was bad. Luckily it didn't go on very much longer or I would have had to leave at the risk of being rude. But it ended and we left. I wonder if they sensed I was getting upset. If they did, they made no indication to the point. Except for later, 'Carol' (Annette's cousin) apologized for her behavior.

Anyway, that was hard for me for a couple of days. I am okay now, and above all I recognize how important those sacred things are to me, and that I cannot stand having them mocked and ridiculed. From anyone....

...I am grateful for my testimony. It really is deeper than words can say - because in all reality, words didn't give me my testimony. The spirit did, and therefor it can only be understood by the spirit. I have a lot to work on. I know that. I am FAR from being perfect - which is why I am so very grateful for the gospel, and especially for the atonement."

Journal Entry - September 15, 2001

"More tomorrow, but I wanted to jot this down so I don't forget: I accept other people even though I may not, and often don't agree with or support their lifestyle."


September 16, 2001 (Sunday)

"Annette (roommate) and I talked late into the night last night. A lot about what I wrote above. I think it is great that we can both be living such different lives, and still be able to accept and support one another. And be able to talk about so many things.

I spoke to the Bishop today - what a feeling of peace, and of a burden being lifted. He is going to find out about a counselor for me to see - to help me work through some things - to give me extra amo against the adversary.

I have never gone to counseling - and am a little apprehensive. I guess in a way it makes me feel weak, or unfaithful, un-trusting. Like I don't trust the Lord's ability to heal me, just through me working and trusting in Him. But then again, the Lord often works through other people. And I prayed today that the Bishop would know what to do and say to help me - and this was his counsel. So I will follow it."

Journal Entry - September 11, 2001

"First thing this morning as I am driving to my class, I hear on the news that 2 planes were flown into the World Trade Towers. Two others were hijacked. One was flown into the Pentagon in D.C. and the other crashed....

After the planes were flown into the trade towers, both towers collapsed - within 30 minutes of each other. The World Trade Towers. The two of them can have upwards of 50,000 people in them. There is no way they all got out. I am sure thousands were killed....It absolutely blows my mind....These were innocent people...

All flights into and within the US were stopped until noon tomorrow. The entire nation is shut down....

And in addition to that I am dealing with a bit of a personal emotional crisis. But more on that another day. Let's just say things that I thought I had under control have been thrown into my face to where I am not sure about that anymore."


September 13, 2001

"The last word is that around 4,700 people are missing - missing because they still have not been able to sort through all of the debris from the buildings....Around 300 rescue and fire fighters are missing - those who first went into the buildings to get people out....

I have an interview with the Bishop on Sunday. I am going to try to tell him the inner struggle I have been having lately. Finally tonight I am feeling some peace about it. I trust in the Savior and in the atonement. I can be healed - and normal, good feelings can then emerge."



September 14, 2001

"Today was a National Day of Remembrance. All over the country, people gathered together at various times and in various ways to remember the loss, and pray for the suffering and for the country.

My prayer is that we will never forget this. That we will take this, and learn and grow, and have more love, more acceptance, more kindness to others. More looking and turning to God as individuals and as a Nation.... It was a day that shattered the Nation, and brought us all a lot closer together...

This has been a personal time for healing for me. Sunday I have an interview with the Bishop to discuss some issues and struggles I have been facing. It is time to open up, to confess, to heal... to be honest with myself, to be honest with others, to be honest with God."