And on

It's been a while.

In general I haven't spent much time on the computer lately. My new job keeps me pretty busy, and I don't have internet at my "Island House" - my home at work. Not yet anyway. So I've kind of let all my computer endeavors fall by the wayside for a while.

But over the past month I've had the chance to experience something that is rather new and unexpected for me. I began dating a guy. And it wasn't even uncomfortable. On the contrary. Despite my initial reluctance of going to dinner the first time, I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to be totally relaxed and myself throughout the evening. And I didn't even hate it. On pretty much every other "first date", I have found myself just counting down the minutes until the evening ends, and then having no desire to set up date number 2. So to have an enjoyable evening, and zero reluctance to set up date number 2 was a very new and unexpected experience.

It wasn't that I was physically or even really emotionally attracted to this guy, but I was very comfortable with him. So that was enough to convince me to see if this could actually go anywhere.

We continued to date. And every time, had a great time. Always comfortable. Always easy. After about the third or forth time together, I did feel like he needed to know why I had never married. Why I was generally uncomfortable around guys. He needed to know this because 1) I wasn't developing any additional feelings for him, but it seemed he was really starting to like me a whole lot and 2) I needed him to know exactly where I was coming from because I respected him too much to lead him on with false, or unsure expectations. I didn't know if I would ever develop feelings for him beyond friendship. And he needed to know that.

The news broke his heart, and that, surprisingly (again) to me, made me feel very sad for him. So we talked very openly about it. He realized that he would probably never be able to be for me what I needed. I acknowledged that that might be true, but I was willing to try, if he was. Just go with the flow and see where it takes us.

So we did.

We continued to spend time together, have fun together, work on moving and painting projects together. I was hopeful things might just be different. Things might just work out. However, despite the initial miracle of being totally comfortable with him, no other feelings came about. On the contrary, they actually began shifting back to what I'm used to have happening with guys. A reluctance to make the effort to spend time with them. Despite the goodness of this individual, despite the ease with which I could talk with him, the drive that keeps those feelings moving and growing is just not within me. And so the ease to do things with him faded.

I guess I am too much of a coward to do this in person, so I sent him a text and told him where I was, and what I was feeling. After exchanging a few meaningful, but difficult texts, we ultimately said good-bye to one another. I was surprised by how it made me feel. There was a definite loss there. There was also a bit of anger and frustration wondering why things couldn't have been different with me. Why couldn't it have continued to be easy to make the effort to be with him?  And then of course the answer comes very simply. I am attracted to and drawn emotionally and physically to women.  And despite my best efforts, and my willingness to try to experience other things, I can't force those attractions to shift. Apparently, even trying to just let them emerge naturally with a really easy going and nice guy doesn't work either.

Later that day, after saying good-bye, I looked inside to see what I was feeling and experiencing, and all seemed right again in the world. I was sad that things had to end, but the angst I had begun to feel about spending time with this great guy was gone. I had done the right thing.

And so on I go.

General Conference

I wasn't able to watch Saturday's sessions (though I did hear part of Saturday afternoon), but here are some of the messages I received today. Some general, some personal:

- "It's better to look up."

- I want to deepen my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior

- God's laws and standards are in place, despite the world's shifting ideas and values.

- Synchronize my life with Christ's.

- I must not only say my prayers, but live them.

- Learn to hear and understand, and then follow the language of the spirit.

- Maintain a spirit of gratitude in life, for we receive many more blessings than we realize from day to day.

- Maintain and develop a spirit of faith and optimism in life.

- Heavenly Father is mindful of the challenges we all face in this world.

- The gospel provides meaning, purpose, hope and answers the questions of life.

- Show increased kindness to one another.

- Pray for the Prophet and those who serve as General Authorities. We are one as we move forward in this work.

I love conference and the renewed strength and understanding I receive as I open my heart and mind to being taught by the Spirit. There is hope there. There is love there. There is truth there. Not everyone may see it or believe it. But it is there.

God lives. Jesus Christ is my Savior. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church restored upon the earth. The Priesthood is real. The covenants I have made are eternal and powerful. We do have a living Prophet on the earth today. The thoughts and ideas I mentioned above are some of what I heard the Spirit teach through the Lord's anointed servants.

The Love of God

While reading the Book of Mormon last night, in Mosiah chapter 4, these verses stuck out to me. I've read them many times, and have always liked them. 

 11 And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God ... and his goodness and long-suffering towards you ...and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come.

 12 And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true.

 13 And ye will not have a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably ...

I love what these verses say. The importance of remembering God's goodness and greatness and patience with me, however unworthy I may be. The importance of remaining humble and teachable, and not assuming I know more or know better than He does. Trusting in Him and calling on Him daily. Maintaining my faith in that which is to come.

If I do those things, there are powerful promises and blessings. I will be filled with the love of God, which is powerful and filling and healing and strengthening. I will grow in understanding and the knowledge of the glory of God, and in all that is just and true. I will retain a remission of my sins through the Atonement of Christ.

And then the last verse - how wonderful would it be if none had a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably. That is the promise to those who truly know God and know themselves and recognize the worth and value of those around them.

I have put these verses to the test in times past; indeed this is the way I try to live my life. And I can testify that these promises are true. When I trust in God, and search Him out, and do my best to live in peace and love with others, when I remember the Lord and seek His will in my life, I am filled with such great and all encompassing love. There is nothing in this world that compares. That's why I continue to follow Him. To be strengthened and upheld and taught by His spirit.

Cuddle Buddy

Sometimes I just want one. A shoulder to lay on, a hand to hold. There is a hand I have been addicted to holding for the past 7 years, but I haven't had the chance to hold it very often lately. So I miss it.

Feeling Homesick

I often feel Homesick, with a capital H. Sometimes I even ask my Father to please let me come Home now. I'm ready. It's not that I'm unhappy here. Not at all. I just know there is so much more waiting for me, and I'm ready to move on. Just like I was happy working at Wasatch Mountain State Park, but was ready to move on. And when I did, I found it was the perfect thing for me. I love where I'm working now. I love who I'm working with, and the opportunities that are there for me.

It feels like that with wanting to go Home. I am happy here. I like the people in my life. But I'm ready to move On.

I was thinking this again today in sacrament meeting. Not sure what brought it up. The thoughts and feelings just come now and then. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed or tired. Sometimes they just come. My Heavenly Home is just as real to me as this one and my spirit just longs to return.

So today in sacrament meeting, I wondered a bit why I can't go back. I had all kinds of thoughts about learning and growing, all of which I could continue to do there. Then the thought came to me that this life experience isn't just about me getting a body and learning and growing. It's about other people. Helping them to travel the road more easily. Helping them to gain a testimony and understanding of the Lord's Plan for them. Helping to build the Kingdom of God. And that's why I'm still here. I still have a lot to in that regard. I need to help others along the way.

And just now I realized that part of this mortal experience is learning to be more like the Savior who spent His entire life serving and helping others. I still have a long way to go before I can say I truly follow the Savior's example. I have many selfish tendencies that I need to learn to let go of before I could truly return home with honor.

So for me, the concept of enduring to the end is less about overcoming trials and such, it's having to wait to go Home. And while I'm waiting, I have a lot to do, and many things to learn.

These are a few of my favorite things

In no particular order...

Sunsets

Road Biking

Camping/Campfires

Wildflowers

Playing Guitar

Hiking/Vistas

Mountains

Wonderful Smelling Roses

Temples

Focus

I haven't given this a lot of thought yet, but here's what's just beginning to surface.

Where I place my focus plays such a huge role in how I feel from day to day. Lately, my focus has been on what I feel I lack, what I feel I will never have or be able to give, what I feel I'm not good at, where I struggle, where I fall short - I'm not social enough, I'm not clever enough, I'm not smart enough to have people really like me and want to spend time with me. So how do you think I've been feeling this last little while? A bit sorry for myself.

I'm not sure why I let myself go there. And then once I'm there, it's really hard to pull myself out of it on my own. The way I've found lately of being able to pull myself out is to take the time to vent about it to someone. To share my insecurities. Maybe to cry. That gets it out of my head and into the open where I can look more clearly at it. As I'm able to do that, I realize where I am and why I'm there, and can make the decision to change that focus.

So my efforts at changing my attitude include focusing on what I can do, what I do have, what I can offer. Seeing myself more clearly as my Heavenly Father does. Remembering that I am a pretty great person. I may not be as outgoing or clever or intellectual as some, but I do have something to offer. I am fun. I am kind. I love the Lord more than anything. I have good friends who all I have to do is reach out to them to be seen and understood.

There's a famous quote from Helen Keller that pretty much sums up what this post is about today:

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow."