Living with Gratitude

In the last General Conference, President Monson gave a beautiful talk on living with gratitude. We shared it in a family home evening. I shared it with my Young Women class. I read it over again a couple of times. It is something I try to do daily.

In Doctrine and Covenants 59:21 the Lord tells us:

And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things.

So I try. Some days I am better at expressing and feeling gratitude than other days. When things are hard, and I am feeling pretty low or beaten down, or in the midst of a trial, that expression of gratitude comes hard.  Also the knowledge that my burdens will be made light if I turn my focus outside of myself is sometimes a very hard thing to do during those times.

I've recently been experiencing such a time. As with most things, the journey is becoming easier. But in the beginning and in the midst of it all, I found myself struggling to feel any gratitude. I expressed it in my mind, and tried to feel it in my heart, but it would not come. I knew that turning my focus outward would also bring a measure of comfort, getting out of my own head. However, that is generally easier said than done.

A blog post I recently read touched me very much and spoke of "Bearing the seemingly unbearable." I've included a snippet here, but would encourage any and all to read the entire post. It is very applicable to anyone in any situation.

Each of us, at some point in time in our lives, will bear things that are seemingly unbearable. The reconciliation of our own spiritual truths with our sexual orientation; the loss of someone we love and whose soul has become intertwined with our own; bad news from physicians that predict dire outcomes for us or those we love.

I am no exception. Like you, I have had to endure things that, in the moment, seem unendurable...

...The one thing that could change, however, was my own attitude about my situation, and how I chose to understand myself and my Savior. For my Savior alone, the author and finisher of my faith, could provide the deliverance I sought. I had no choice but to place my expectations, desires, my despair as well as my joy, in the hands of my Lord.

I challenge each of you—whether you’re facing the unbearable now, or in the future—to find something positive hidden within a difficult situation, and allow yourself to be grateful. I believe that, like me, you’ll be surprised at how much a little gratitude can help."

Again, read the entire post. It is full of truth and hope.

And so I continue to move forward. I often wish that so many things in my life were different. But I can't let myself get caught in that trap or I'll be stuck there forever. Rather, it would be more helpful for me to do as President Monson admonished:

"When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given."

And I know somewhere in that talk (or a similar one), but I can't seem to find it now, he said something along the lines of: Rather than dwell on what we don't have or on what we lack, let us recognize and be grateful for what we have.

And so I try.

Fray

"Sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest."

Trust and Hope

Two positive words. Two words our Savior uses a lot. We read about trusting in the Lord. Having faith and hope.

I'm one that has a lot of hope. When I first began going through this process of figuring out I was same-sex-attracted, I had hope that everything would be okay. That I could find peace and meaning in my life. I went through several group therapy sessions, and continued to hang onto that hope, and tried to share it with the other women in my groups. It wasn't hard for me to have hope. Because I know and trust in the Lord and His promises. I don't always see the pathway before me, but I trust and hope and therefor know it will be what I need in order to learn and grow.

Trust. Hope. I still have those things in the Savior. And they have and continue to get me through tough times. And there are tough times to be sure. Sometimes that pathway before me is less clear, more foggy, more unknown, uncertain. And I find I have to double my effort to keep that trust and hope alive that things will work out the way they are supposed to. That even when things are hard, and uncertain, and confusing, if I just keep moving forward, trying to maintain my trust in the Savior, that things will go as they need to, and the peace and joy in my life will be there. 

When I was younger I had a series of scriptures that I would quote over and over in my mind when I felt most down, most hurting or alone.

John 14:27 
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Matthew 11: 29-30
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.     UAdd a Note  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Alma 36:3
Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

Alma 36: 27
And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me.

I'm sure there were others, but these are the ones that stand out to me now. Trust in the Lord. Let Him share your burden. Seek for His peace. 

Life Keeps Trucking

Some days are harder than others. Today is an okay day. I'm at work, not working too hard yet.

Christmas decorations are up. All but outside lights (which aren't happening) and decorations on the tree. The tree has lights, but no one wanted to decorate it, and I get tired of doing it every year. So it is what it is.

Christmas gifts have barely begin being purchased. The budget is pretty small this year.

So, how to make the most of this time, despite some of the challenges that will surely come.

Love.
Serve.
Fill my heart and mind with goodness.
Let go.
Adapt.
Keep the Savior close.
Smile.
Pray.
Read the words of the Lord.
Give.
Hope.
Play.
Read other good books.
Visit with friends and family.
Express gratitude.

We do the best we can.

This Is Me

I am, first and foremost, just me. I am a daughter of God, and learned several years ago what that means to me. I saw myself, at least a glimpse of, the way my Father in Heaven sees me. It was a wonderful, sacred experience.

I have never wavered in my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know God has a plan for me, for all of us. I know this plan, called the Plan of Salvation, is real. As real as anything. I know my Savior lives. I know He has established His church once again on the earth and it is led, as He has always led it, by Apostles and Prophets. I know obedience brings peace and blessings. I also know it isn't always easy to be obedient. Which is why the Savior came to the earth, lived a perfect life, and then took upon Himself all the sins of mankind. Why He performed the Atonement, suffered in the garden and died on the cross. I also know He rose again, and because of that, we all will.

I know we have all been given the wonderful gift of agency. We fought for it in our pre-earth life. It is this gift that allows us to learn, and grow, and change, and make mistakes, and choose differently again. It is this gift that I exercise everyday. I have a choice. And my choice has always been towards my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by the LDS church.

Early on in my discovery of my orientation, even before I really understood it, or accepted it as real, I knew that I did not choose it. At the same time, I knew that I could choose how to respond to it. Because of my testimony and beliefs and knowledge of the Gospel, and the purposes of life, I knew that I could never leave the church to pursue a gay lifestyle.  I never imagined I would even have what constituted a partner. And when I found myself in that place, with a person I truly loved, I still chose to follow God's laws.

I have never regretted choosing the gospel. I can't imagine I ever will. It is me. It is who I am. I am a part of it and it is a part of me. But some days are hard. Not hard to stay true to my testimony, but hard feeling more isolated and alone than I'd like. Some days I feel very at home in a group of LDS folks, other days all I want is to surround myself with a group of lesbians. Or a group of people who know me - my testimony and my orientation and are okay with both.

Only Kind of Out There

I think the name of my blog is kind of funny. Because while I am "out there" in some circles - my family, a few select friends, my bishop - I am, on the whole, 'not' out there.

There are some people in my life who really are very honest and open. My roommate is one of those. I love her dearly. She is, in almost every way, my partner in life (minus the physically intimate side). She is SSA and dealing in her own way. She is also LDS and very good about speaking up when she feels prompted to do so. Because of that, she has a lot of support in her life. Most people still really like and support her - even in the church ::gasp:: . When she recently was faced with a difficult situation, she was able to confide in people who know her and love her. And therefore, she has great support.

I want that. I need that. Even though my family knows of my SSA, I don't talk much about it with them. Even though I have some good friends who know, I don't talk much about it with them. I don't talk about it with my Bishop. I do talk about it with my roommate. But when she's going through her own stuff, sometimes that's hard to do.  So I feel pretty isolated sometimes. Kind of lonely in this.

Hense this blog. I guess this is a way to reach out for support, but also, I hope, a way to give support. To increase my own understanding and help increase the understanding of others.

Here We Go

I guess it's about time to start sharing a bit more about me. I have some great people in my life, but sometimes I just need a place to share other thoughts and ideas. I think it's important to be open and honest about being gay and choosing to be true to my personal convictions, even when those might not fit perfectly together.

But...I'm not the best about sharing things like that in person. I know. Maybe kind of hypocritical. But honestly, I'm not in a place right now that being that open would do good. It might not be the best time. That time will come, however. So in the meantime, here I am in blogger land.

I know many people have very strong feelings about this issue - on both sides of the table. But I'm sure I'll get into those as time goes on. Right now, I just wanted to say that I am here. I am happy. I am LDS. I am SSA.