I've started my new job out at "The Island". I am currently in the process of moving into one of the houses out there to save on commute time and gas money.
It's a bitter-sweet move.
Bitter because this is my home. My family is right here in this house. I love them and will miss them terribly when I'm gone. Worried that maybe absence actually makes the heart grow forgetful rather than fonder. Especially when the person you are afraid might grow forgetful has someone else to turn to and loves to be with. I worry that the love of having me around and in her life will grow dim.
Sweet because it will save a couple hundred dollars a month on gas. It will save on wear and tear with the car. It will shorten my commute from 60 minutes to 2, which will be awesome. It will be really cool to live out on the Island with all that wildlife and incredible sunrises and sunsets. It will be sweet to be able to hop on my bike and bike around without having to worry about traffic.
When I'm all settled in, you are all welcome to come take an island vacation, and stay in my 5 bedroom Island House. The views are incredible.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Caring for The One
I considered putting this little experience on my nature blog, but as I thought about what happened and the title of this post, I thought it would fit better here.
On my way to work one morning I watched a small flock of White-faced Ibis flying over the lake.
As I watched, I noticed one ibis behind the main flock, flapping with all its might to catch up with the rest. I felt sorry for that bird. It's harder for a solitary bird to fly as fast as a flock, because with a flock, the lead birds provide a draft for the birds behind, making it easier for them to fly. This way, the entire flock can fly faster and more efficiently.
As I watched that lone bird struggling to catch up, three other birds broke off the main flock and fell back enough to allow the lone bird to catch them.
With the support of the other ibis, the lone bird had the added strength and support to catch up with the main flock.
It made my whole day watching that.
On my way to work one morning I watched a small flock of White-faced Ibis flying over the lake.
As I watched, I noticed one ibis behind the main flock, flapping with all its might to catch up with the rest. I felt sorry for that bird. It's harder for a solitary bird to fly as fast as a flock, because with a flock, the lead birds provide a draft for the birds behind, making it easier for them to fly. This way, the entire flock can fly faster and more efficiently.
As I watched that lone bird struggling to catch up, three other birds broke off the main flock and fell back enough to allow the lone bird to catch them.
With the support of the other ibis, the lone bird had the added strength and support to catch up with the main flock.
It made my whole day watching that.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Lessons in Wyoming
I have had an amazing week. For our Stake Youth Conference this year we had the opportunity to go on Trek to Martin's Cove in Wyoming. Martin's Cove is the location where the Martin Handcart Company, in 1856, took refuge from a heavy winter blizzard. Many people died in this place due to starvation, exposure, fatigue and the fact that the company had just crossed the Sweet Water River which had 4 inches of ice on it.
Our Stake youth and several leaders, myself included, spent three days in this area, pulling our handcarts and hearing stories of what these people experienced. The Spirit touched me deeply during our time in the actual cove where the company camped and where many were buried. We sang several songs while there, and at one point our Stake President encouraged us to sing loud and with conviction, and that if we did, the Spirit would touch our hearts with a witness of truth. I took that promise to heart, and sang the first line with full voice, but immediately was overcome by the Spirit. Tears kept me from singing after that.
After leaving Martin's Cove we had the chance to reenact one of the river crossings. The water was very high, so we couldn't take our carts, but we could walk across. We also had the use of a rope to keep us from being swept down river. As I crossed, I imagined attempting to do this in the winter, with ice encrusted water. Many of those original pioneers also carried others across, and several stayed in the water all day, helping those who could not cross themselves. There were nearly 600 people in Martin's company. This was an all day event for them. It was a humbling experience and again the spirit taught me truths.
The final major event for the day was what is called the Women's Pull. During the original crossing of the handcart companies, many of the men died due to starvation and exhaustion, leaving the women to carry on alone. At other times, their husbands and the men of the company simply were not there for other reasons. For our pull, our Stake Young Women President talked to the YW about being the Hope of Israel and standing for what is good and right. She shared a story of the strength and faith of one of her own ancestors who remained valiant and faithful despite challenges and difficulties in her own life.
As we started out toward the rocky slope we were to climb, the leaders were asked to step aside unless asked by their young women to help push and pull the handcarts. Most of the companies had their leaders help. But those young women in my company did not. So all I could do was walk along side them, encourage them, remind them I was there if they needed me. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done - watching these girls struggle up this hill, getting stopped by the rocks and the incline, and struggling though on their own. I am one who likes to be right in there, pushing, pulling, helping, in the trenches, lifting those around me. As I was anxiously walking along side, waiting for the words "please help", I understood on a level as never before how anxious and willing our Father in Heaven is for us to reach out to Him and ask for His help. I know He is there for us. I know He loves us beyond anything we can understand and when we need His help, he will be there to Help.
I know that is true. It does not matter what we face in life. It does not matter how bitter or challenging our struggles. Our Savior is there for us. He has already atoned for our sins, our mistakes, our weaknesses. Now He just wants us to accept that, and stay close to Him in our trials and in our triumphs.
All we have to do is ask, and He will be there.
Our Stake youth and several leaders, myself included, spent three days in this area, pulling our handcarts and hearing stories of what these people experienced. The Spirit touched me deeply during our time in the actual cove where the company camped and where many were buried. We sang several songs while there, and at one point our Stake President encouraged us to sing loud and with conviction, and that if we did, the Spirit would touch our hearts with a witness of truth. I took that promise to heart, and sang the first line with full voice, but immediately was overcome by the Spirit. Tears kept me from singing after that.
After leaving Martin's Cove we had the chance to reenact one of the river crossings. The water was very high, so we couldn't take our carts, but we could walk across. We also had the use of a rope to keep us from being swept down river. As I crossed, I imagined attempting to do this in the winter, with ice encrusted water. Many of those original pioneers also carried others across, and several stayed in the water all day, helping those who could not cross themselves. There were nearly 600 people in Martin's company. This was an all day event for them. It was a humbling experience and again the spirit taught me truths.
The final major event for the day was what is called the Women's Pull. During the original crossing of the handcart companies, many of the men died due to starvation and exhaustion, leaving the women to carry on alone. At other times, their husbands and the men of the company simply were not there for other reasons. For our pull, our Stake Young Women President talked to the YW about being the Hope of Israel and standing for what is good and right. She shared a story of the strength and faith of one of her own ancestors who remained valiant and faithful despite challenges and difficulties in her own life.
As we started out toward the rocky slope we were to climb, the leaders were asked to step aside unless asked by their young women to help push and pull the handcarts. Most of the companies had their leaders help. But those young women in my company did not. So all I could do was walk along side them, encourage them, remind them I was there if they needed me. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done - watching these girls struggle up this hill, getting stopped by the rocks and the incline, and struggling though on their own. I am one who likes to be right in there, pushing, pulling, helping, in the trenches, lifting those around me. As I was anxiously walking along side, waiting for the words "please help", I understood on a level as never before how anxious and willing our Father in Heaven is for us to reach out to Him and ask for His help. I know He is there for us. I know He loves us beyond anything we can understand and when we need His help, he will be there to Help.
I know that is true. It does not matter what we face in life. It does not matter how bitter or challenging our struggles. Our Savior is there for us. He has already atoned for our sins, our mistakes, our weaknesses. Now He just wants us to accept that, and stay close to Him in our trials and in our triumphs.
All we have to do is ask, and He will be there.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Dinner
For dinner tonight we had pork roast, butternut squash, salad and brownies for dessert. And we shared that dinner with my roommate's girlfriend. I never thought that would ever happen (I also never expected to call anyone else my roommate's girlfriend - but there it is). It actually turned out to be (in my opinion) a fairly enjoyable evening.
She was pretty nervous when she first arrived. But my charming and adorable personality soon put her at ease :) (totally making that up). But she did relax after a bit. And even played some games with us.
That's all. Just wanted to share.
She was pretty nervous when she first arrived. But my charming and adorable personality soon put her at ease :) (totally making that up). But she did relax after a bit. And even played some games with us.
That's all. Just wanted to share.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
My Gut
It is so my bed time. But I've had an interesting day that started out more or less with an unknown nervousness settling into my gut and causing some, shall we say, intestinal objections.
This deep, nervous feeling settled in once before. It was about 10 years ago when I first realized, or acknowledged, that I was same-sex attracted and I was off to a conference for LDS (and other) folks who were also gay/SSA but trying to overcome it. I had my mom with me. I had just spilled the beans to her not long before. This was all so new to me. So scary. So uncertain. My whole life I thought I was probably the only person in the entire world to have these feelings but not want to act on them. How weird to be going to a conference with hundreds of other people who more or less felt the same way.
This was huge for me. Everything was still so new. And I was deeply nervous to be going. It felt like a huge "outing" to me. After trying to make these feelings go away for so long, and then hiding them for so long, to suddenly be going to a place where I would be totally exposed was absolutely terrifying to me. And so my gut and bowels reacted.
Kind of like they did this morning...and still kind of are as I type this.
I am starting a new job tomorrow. Well, essentially the same job just in a new location. So initially I figured it was just about that. But the more I looked at it, considered it, weighed it, I found that I'm not really that nervous to be starting this new venture. So there must be something else causing this nervous, unsettled feeling.
I don't know that I've totally figured it out, but it feels like it has to do with my last post, and a need/desire to share more with more people. How, who and in what setting I'm not sure. But when I think about this idea, my gut-ache kind of subsides. There is a change of some kind coming - not sure exactly what or how, but it makes me nervous.
This deep, nervous feeling settled in once before. It was about 10 years ago when I first realized, or acknowledged, that I was same-sex attracted and I was off to a conference for LDS (and other) folks who were also gay/SSA but trying to overcome it. I had my mom with me. I had just spilled the beans to her not long before. This was all so new to me. So scary. So uncertain. My whole life I thought I was probably the only person in the entire world to have these feelings but not want to act on them. How weird to be going to a conference with hundreds of other people who more or less felt the same way.
This was huge for me. Everything was still so new. And I was deeply nervous to be going. It felt like a huge "outing" to me. After trying to make these feelings go away for so long, and then hiding them for so long, to suddenly be going to a place where I would be totally exposed was absolutely terrifying to me. And so my gut and bowels reacted.
Kind of like they did this morning...and still kind of are as I type this.
I am starting a new job tomorrow. Well, essentially the same job just in a new location. So initially I figured it was just about that. But the more I looked at it, considered it, weighed it, I found that I'm not really that nervous to be starting this new venture. So there must be something else causing this nervous, unsettled feeling.
I don't know that I've totally figured it out, but it feels like it has to do with my last post, and a need/desire to share more with more people. How, who and in what setting I'm not sure. But when I think about this idea, my gut-ache kind of subsides. There is a change of some kind coming - not sure exactly what or how, but it makes me nervous.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Living Consciously
So being LDS and being gay sometimes presents some interesting personal moments - especially not being totally "out" to everyone.
I am not in denial about my sexuality. I am a woman attracted to women. I am not confused about what I want in my life. I am a very religious person. I always have been. That part of my life defines me more than my sexuality does.
But these two things don't always seem to mesh in the minds of other people. Well, I have to assume that. I guess personally I haven't had anyone criticize or question me about anything, but I can just imagine the thoughts going through some people's minds, especially friends I've had growing up who know my personality; those who probably knew before I did that I was gay. They see me. They see who I live with. They see who I spend my family vacations and holidays with. And then they see that I am still LDS and heavily involved with my church and calling as Young Women President. And I have no doubt that more than one has thought, "Wow, she is still in so much denial."
So how do I settle this for myself? I feel like I want to be known - at least in some circles. I have always wondered (and sometimes worried) what people think of me. What they think about me. I guess part of me doesn't mind too much that someone might assume things incorrectly about me - assume I'm in denial. But at the same time, I'd like them know I'm not an idiot about myself. And that I am living my life consciously and purposefully.
Beyond that thought I'm not sure where to take this. I don't think it's necessary at this time in my life to live totally "out", and I have specific reasons for that. But at the same time, there are reasons for me to want to be more open about myself and how and why I live my life the way I do. But I need to be careful about that. If it's just a pride thing, so people will know I'm not an idiot and in denial, then that might not be the best reason to open up more.
Things to think about.
I am not in denial about my sexuality. I am a woman attracted to women. I am not confused about what I want in my life. I am a very religious person. I always have been. That part of my life defines me more than my sexuality does.
But these two things don't always seem to mesh in the minds of other people. Well, I have to assume that. I guess personally I haven't had anyone criticize or question me about anything, but I can just imagine the thoughts going through some people's minds, especially friends I've had growing up who know my personality; those who probably knew before I did that I was gay. They see me. They see who I live with. They see who I spend my family vacations and holidays with. And then they see that I am still LDS and heavily involved with my church and calling as Young Women President. And I have no doubt that more than one has thought, "Wow, she is still in so much denial."
So how do I settle this for myself? I feel like I want to be known - at least in some circles. I have always wondered (and sometimes worried) what people think of me. What they think about me. I guess part of me doesn't mind too much that someone might assume things incorrectly about me - assume I'm in denial. But at the same time, I'd like them know I'm not an idiot about myself. And that I am living my life consciously and purposefully.
Beyond that thought I'm not sure where to take this. I don't think it's necessary at this time in my life to live totally "out", and I have specific reasons for that. But at the same time, there are reasons for me to want to be more open about myself and how and why I live my life the way I do. But I need to be careful about that. If it's just a pride thing, so people will know I'm not an idiot and in denial, then that might not be the best reason to open up more.
Things to think about.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Young Love
The other day I was challenged to think back to my first crush. I had two prior to High School, but there wasn't anything significant about them other than me gawking and thinking they were the coolest thing and trying to find reasons to be closer to them. I never really spoke to either of them - just admired from a distance. So those are kind of boring crushes.
My first truly memorable crush I had at age 14-15 when I was just a cute little Freshman in High School. Well, cute is maybe stretching it, and I was generally taller than other girls my age. But I was a Freshman. :)
And my crush was my PE teacher, Kathy Butler. Of course at that age, I had no idea I was so totally crushing on her. I didn't realize that until years later as I read through my journal and found some resounding evidence of a girl totally smitten by someone. I just really liked her. She was funny, kind, supportive, fun to be around. She laughed easily and often. She was cute, too. But that aspect didn't consciously register with me, though I recognized it and felt my draw to her increase because of it.
At the end of my Freshman year, I wrote a couple of poems for her. And according to my journal I did indeed give them to her. I'm grateful that I kept a journal, because I had forgotten all about these. But luckily for you, I wrote them down.
Many long and
Sunny days I've spent with you -
Bringing forth many new challenges, never
Unwilling
To give some support. Your
Loving kindness and joy
Ever
Ringing in my heart
=
Learning new skills - having more fun -
Opening new doors - making new friends
Very well
Explains the influence you have over me.
And if that wasn't awesome enough, here's this one:
Beauty and joy, never
Unwanted by one - for
The kindness and
Love that you show
Every day of your life
Rings in my heart, and I will never let it go.
But wait, there's more:
Butterflies glistening in the light
Untouched by the years of existance -
Tomorrow is another day - but my
Love for you will never be
Erased - for once you love a butterfly, that love
Remains forever.
And then to show that my poetic skills are not simply limited to the mushy, I wrote this for her:
And there you have the fruits of my first real crush.
My first truly memorable crush I had at age 14-15 when I was just a cute little Freshman in High School. Well, cute is maybe stretching it, and I was generally taller than other girls my age. But I was a Freshman. :)
And my crush was my PE teacher, Kathy Butler. Of course at that age, I had no idea I was so totally crushing on her. I didn't realize that until years later as I read through my journal and found some resounding evidence of a girl totally smitten by someone. I just really liked her. She was funny, kind, supportive, fun to be around. She laughed easily and often. She was cute, too. But that aspect didn't consciously register with me, though I recognized it and felt my draw to her increase because of it.
At the end of my Freshman year, I wrote a couple of poems for her. And according to my journal I did indeed give them to her. I'm grateful that I kept a journal, because I had forgotten all about these. But luckily for you, I wrote them down.
Many long and
Sunny days I've spent with you -
Bringing forth many new challenges, never
Unwilling
To give some support. Your
Loving kindness and joy
Ever
Ringing in my heart
=
Learning new skills - having more fun -
Opening new doors - making new friends
Very well
Explains the influence you have over me.
And if that wasn't awesome enough, here's this one:
Beauty and joy, never
Unwanted by one - for
The kindness and
Love that you show
Every day of your life
Rings in my heart, and I will never let it go.
But wait, there's more:
Butterflies glistening in the light
Untouched by the years of existance -
Tomorrow is another day - but my
Love for you will never be
Erased - for once you love a butterfly, that love
Remains forever.
And then to show that my poetic skills are not simply limited to the mushy, I wrote this for her:
Love you Butler,
Love you chum,
You are such a great big scum.
I'm just kidding
You know Kath
I just want to hear you laugh.
Love you Butler,
Love you Kath,
I just want to hear you laugh.
Love you Butler,
Love you chum,
You are such a great big scum.
And there you have the fruits of my first real crush.
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