Let me preface this by saying I have not lost, nor am I losing my testimony. I'm just frustrated.
I am writing this to shed some light on why some of what was said during conference this weekend was hard, and hurtful. Even though same-sex attraction and the issues surrounding that weren't spoken about outright, it was alluded to several times.
The weekend started out rough. I blurbed a little about it on facebook, but because I hadn't seen any of the Saturday sessions, I couldn't speak fully to what was said. But that little fb posting got a lot of attention. Many people messaged me personally, seeking to reassure me that all would be well, that I am a good person, and that God loves me. I really do appreciate that support, although those are things I never doubted.
I also got some great feedback from folks seeking to give comfort with the whole marriage thing - I guess based on my comment, they assumed I wish I could be married, to a man? I don't know. But marriage in and of itself is also not an issue for me. I support marriage and the family. I know I will never marry a man. And I am so okay with that. I will probably also never marry a woman. And I am okay with that as well. But here is what does bother me. Statements that say or imply things like, sexual intimacy is the supreme and ultimate connection in a marriage. It is the most wonderful blessing in a relationship. But sorry. It's only for straight people. If you are gay, and happen to fall in love, too bad for you. Just push those feelings away and stay single and celibate (and miserable). Or try harder to root out the natural man, in this case, your gay- ness. Because the only appropriate relationship is that between a man and a woman. Anything else is an abomination. Which means the way you feel and experience love is an abomination. That's what's hard. (Sorry, I know that is a little cynical, which doesn't suit me. But I do feel that way sometimes.)
Now, if you are still of the mind-set that what gay people are asked to do, in remaining celebate, is no different than what straight single people are asked to do, let me know. I will try and explain how and why those two situations are very, very different.
So when someone stands at the pulpit and expounds on the wonders and blessings found within the bonds of marriage, and that the only appropriate way to experience those blessings is with a spouse of the opposite sex, it truly feels like a slap in the face. To quote from my facebook thread: "What Wendy (and I and many others) is being asked to do is to eschew the very thing everyone else is being encouraged to seek out, because it is one of the greatest gifts The Lord has given us. She deserves more respect and admiration than one can imagine. Because many of us, myself included, can't do it anymore. Especially in light of the demonizing of what we feel."
Yes, what we feel has been demonized by oh so many. And then we hear over and over and over again that what we experience and the needs and longings we have are not right, and will never qualify for blessings here and now that so many others experience. That is frustrating. That is hard. And it causes me to sometimes rant a little.
Now, lest you think my entire weekend was full of bitterness and hurt, it was not. Or if you worry that I am totally without hope, I am not. Here is what I gained from the Sunday talks:
* Hold fast to the hope that is in God. Walk towards the hope of a brighter life. God's light is real. It can heal the deepest wounds, enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It takes an act of faith to open our eyes to the hope of God's light. Darkness exists, but light exists also. Choose to walk in the light.
Hold to the ground you have won. Stand strong until additional knowledge comes. This is a divine work in progress. Be kind regarding human frailty. Fan the flames of your faith whatever doubts and questions you have.*
So I ask myself. Why do I stay? Even when there continues to be so much hurt with this issue steming from individulas who should be supportive, welcoming, sensative, and compassionate? I stay because some do show that sensative compassion. And I stay, because I know those things I wrote above are true. Because the gospel of Jesus Christ is bigger than any individual. And my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the Savior are extremely and intimitatly personal. I stay, and I love and I continue to find hope, and seek to walk by faith because that is what my Savior wants me to do.
And in the end, that is all any of us can do. Live our lives the best we can according to our own, individual relationship with the Savior.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Survivors Guilt
Or something like that. In order to address this post topic, I have to back up a ways. Sorry for the round-about way to get to where I want to take you.
I have never questioned my faith. I have never questioned the counsel and policies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have never questioned my testimony. I have always been strong and steady. My faith has always been rooted in Christ. I have always enjoyed attending church and mingling my faith with those around me.
So why, a few months ago, did all of that begin to feel shaky, uncertain, and uprooted? Why did attending church become a chore that left me feeling worse than ever? Why did I feel lost, forgotten, not understood? Why did I find it so, so hard to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost? Why did I suddenly feel that as a gay Latter-Day Saint, I was less than, left out, on the outskirts, alone? Why did my burden suddenly feel so much greater than it ever had before? And why could I not find reconciliation with any of that as I always had before?
I searched my mind and my heart for answers.
What came to me were simple things that only made a small, and temporary difference: focus on my blessings, what I have, rather than what I feel I lack; remember the answers I have received; work on trusting and having faith in the Savior again; etc.
I thought often about how much simpler this would be to deal with on the "other side", and silently hoped for some tragic accident to take me there.
Thankfully I'm still here.
Because tiny miracles have begun to happen in my life.
I outed myself on facebook. A blessing in and of itself. Suddenly, I became known more fully and more completely by people who thought they already knew me. Because of that, I began to feel seen again in nearly every circle of my life, and I began to notice the care and love others feel and felt for me. And slowly, my comfort level in church began to grow again.
With that, other shaky areas of my life (spiritual and otherwise) began to stabilize again. Like that tattered cloth I blogged about a while ago.
Elder Bednar, of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, came to our Stake Conference and shared simple but powerful messages, and bore a powerful testimony. And I recognized that I felt the spirit in a way I hadn't for far too long.
Sometime around then a simple, not fully developed thought, or impression came to me. There aren't really even words to express it, but the message it brought was something like: "You've been resisting the spirit, joy and hope from your own life, so that you too could struggle in ways others with this issue struggle; so it wouldn't seem so simple and straightforward to deal with this very complex and difficult issue of begin gay and Mormon."
In other words, if I'm too hopeful and too full of the spirit then how can it really be that hard?
That idea shocked me, but also felt absolutely correct.
I am gay. I am emotionally and physically attracted to women. No doubt about that. But my attractions aren't really sexual in nature.When I notice an attraction to someone, it is all purely physical (appearance), or emotional. My desires for connection with someone are about emotional connection, deep sharing, companionship, mental, physical, and emotional closeness. But rarely have those connection desires been sexual.
So because I have no libido, keeping the Law of Chastity (no sexual relations outside of marriage, and that as defined between a man and a woman) has been quite simple for me. Even while in a 7 + year relationship with someone, we were celibate. And as it turns out, that was much easier for me to maintain than it was for her.
So several months ago, when a dear friend of mine was excommunicated for engaging in a sexual relationship with her girlfriend, after striving for over a decade to maintain her standard of chastity, my eyes were opened to the depth of this struggle for the majority of gay Mormons. What is relatively simple for me to maintain, can be excruciatingly difficult for so many others who love the Lord and His gospel, but are absolutely and fully attracted to the same gender in every possible way. And while being gay isn't just about sex any more than being straight is, for the majority of the world, sexual connection is a deep and meaningful means of connection and sharing.When my eyes were fully opened to that dilemma, my heart shut. And my struggle increased.
Subconsciously, I resisted being fully supported by the spirit and having absolute faith in the Gospel and Savior, in living my life with peace, hope and faith, because I did not want others to look at me and use me as an example of how other gay Mormons could and should live their lives. This is the realization I received. I felt guilty that my attractions were such that living the Law of Chastity was a non-issue for me, and therefor, I was able to fully participate in every aspect of the Church and the Gospel while so many others struggled deeply and painfully with that.
The idea of being an example of hope and faithful endurance when my struggle is significantly different, was enough to drive a wedge between me and my faith. I (subconsciously) needed to struggle and feel the depth of pain that others feel with this complicated and contradicting issue. And I did. And my heart broke. And my faith waned. And I felt anger at those who could not see the intense struggle this issue presents. And this anger destabilized me. Hence, the answer to the third paragraph above.
That anger and resistance continued for several months.
After that first eye-opening impression came to me, I just let it mull around in the back of my mind, weighing it for accuracy. I might have forgotten about it, except it came again just a few days ago: "You've been resisting the spirit, joy and hope from your own life, so that you too could struggle in ways others with this issue struggle; so it wouldn't seem so simple and straightforward to deal with this very complex and difficult issue of begin gay and Mormon." But this time a little bit more was added: "You have resisted the hope and goodness that fills your life, you have resisted being a source of light and faith, of being the woman of God that you are because you didn't want to make light of this very real struggle. But its time now to turn that around. It's time to bring that light and hope back into your life."
And so I'm trying. But I do it hesitantly because the fear and the guilt are still there that my path in dealing with this issue is made easier by my lack of sexual attraction. I loath the idea that someone will compare me and my "success" in staying true to gospel standards, with someone else who is struggling deeply to do the same thing.
Please don't use me as an example.
Unless it is an example that even though there is still heartache and hurt and questions, I can choose to let that rule my life as I have done, or I can put those things into the hands of the Savior and instead fill my life with hope, faith, beauty, joy and light. And knowing even when I do that, the heartache and struggle in life probably won't change, but I can still put my faith in the Savior that everything really will work out and I can focus on the good in life.
Or if it's as an example of the truth that every individual is unique and different, and they can, by following the spirit to the best of their ability, find the path and the life that is right for them, however different it may be to the one I am living.
And that's the message.
I have never questioned my faith. I have never questioned the counsel and policies of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have never questioned my testimony. I have always been strong and steady. My faith has always been rooted in Christ. I have always enjoyed attending church and mingling my faith with those around me.
So why, a few months ago, did all of that begin to feel shaky, uncertain, and uprooted? Why did attending church become a chore that left me feeling worse than ever? Why did I feel lost, forgotten, not understood? Why did I find it so, so hard to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost? Why did I suddenly feel that as a gay Latter-Day Saint, I was less than, left out, on the outskirts, alone? Why did my burden suddenly feel so much greater than it ever had before? And why could I not find reconciliation with any of that as I always had before?
I searched my mind and my heart for answers.
What came to me were simple things that only made a small, and temporary difference: focus on my blessings, what I have, rather than what I feel I lack; remember the answers I have received; work on trusting and having faith in the Savior again; etc.
I thought often about how much simpler this would be to deal with on the "other side", and silently hoped for some tragic accident to take me there.
Thankfully I'm still here.
Because tiny miracles have begun to happen in my life.
I outed myself on facebook. A blessing in and of itself. Suddenly, I became known more fully and more completely by people who thought they already knew me. Because of that, I began to feel seen again in nearly every circle of my life, and I began to notice the care and love others feel and felt for me. And slowly, my comfort level in church began to grow again.
With that, other shaky areas of my life (spiritual and otherwise) began to stabilize again. Like that tattered cloth I blogged about a while ago.
Elder Bednar, of the Quorum of Twelve Apostles, came to our Stake Conference and shared simple but powerful messages, and bore a powerful testimony. And I recognized that I felt the spirit in a way I hadn't for far too long.
Sometime around then a simple, not fully developed thought, or impression came to me. There aren't really even words to express it, but the message it brought was something like: "You've been resisting the spirit, joy and hope from your own life, so that you too could struggle in ways others with this issue struggle; so it wouldn't seem so simple and straightforward to deal with this very complex and difficult issue of begin gay and Mormon."
In other words, if I'm too hopeful and too full of the spirit then how can it really be that hard?
That idea shocked me, but also felt absolutely correct.
I am gay. I am emotionally and physically attracted to women. No doubt about that. But my attractions aren't really sexual in nature.When I notice an attraction to someone, it is all purely physical (appearance), or emotional. My desires for connection with someone are about emotional connection, deep sharing, companionship, mental, physical, and emotional closeness. But rarely have those connection desires been sexual.
So because I have no libido, keeping the Law of Chastity (no sexual relations outside of marriage, and that as defined between a man and a woman) has been quite simple for me. Even while in a 7 + year relationship with someone, we were celibate. And as it turns out, that was much easier for me to maintain than it was for her.
So several months ago, when a dear friend of mine was excommunicated for engaging in a sexual relationship with her girlfriend, after striving for over a decade to maintain her standard of chastity, my eyes were opened to the depth of this struggle for the majority of gay Mormons. What is relatively simple for me to maintain, can be excruciatingly difficult for so many others who love the Lord and His gospel, but are absolutely and fully attracted to the same gender in every possible way. And while being gay isn't just about sex any more than being straight is, for the majority of the world, sexual connection is a deep and meaningful means of connection and sharing.When my eyes were fully opened to that dilemma, my heart shut. And my struggle increased.
Subconsciously, I resisted being fully supported by the spirit and having absolute faith in the Gospel and Savior, in living my life with peace, hope and faith, because I did not want others to look at me and use me as an example of how other gay Mormons could and should live their lives. This is the realization I received. I felt guilty that my attractions were such that living the Law of Chastity was a non-issue for me, and therefor, I was able to fully participate in every aspect of the Church and the Gospel while so many others struggled deeply and painfully with that.
The idea of being an example of hope and faithful endurance when my struggle is significantly different, was enough to drive a wedge between me and my faith. I (subconsciously) needed to struggle and feel the depth of pain that others feel with this complicated and contradicting issue. And I did. And my heart broke. And my faith waned. And I felt anger at those who could not see the intense struggle this issue presents. And this anger destabilized me. Hence, the answer to the third paragraph above.
That anger and resistance continued for several months.
After that first eye-opening impression came to me, I just let it mull around in the back of my mind, weighing it for accuracy. I might have forgotten about it, except it came again just a few days ago: "You've been resisting the spirit, joy and hope from your own life, so that you too could struggle in ways others with this issue struggle; so it wouldn't seem so simple and straightforward to deal with this very complex and difficult issue of begin gay and Mormon." But this time a little bit more was added: "You have resisted the hope and goodness that fills your life, you have resisted being a source of light and faith, of being the woman of God that you are because you didn't want to make light of this very real struggle. But its time now to turn that around. It's time to bring that light and hope back into your life."
And so I'm trying. But I do it hesitantly because the fear and the guilt are still there that my path in dealing with this issue is made easier by my lack of sexual attraction. I loath the idea that someone will compare me and my "success" in staying true to gospel standards, with someone else who is struggling deeply to do the same thing.
Please don't use me as an example.
Unless it is an example that even though there is still heartache and hurt and questions, I can choose to let that rule my life as I have done, or I can put those things into the hands of the Savior and instead fill my life with hope, faith, beauty, joy and light. And knowing even when I do that, the heartache and struggle in life probably won't change, but I can still put my faith in the Savior that everything really will work out and I can focus on the good in life.
Or if it's as an example of the truth that every individual is unique and different, and they can, by following the spirit to the best of their ability, find the path and the life that is right for them, however different it may be to the one I am living.
And that's the message.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Great Ward
I have a pretty great ward.
For those of you in my ward (and stake) who read this...Thank You!
Thank you for loving me just the way I am. Thank you for trying to understand. Thanks for staying my friend and for not running away screaming. Or even running away silently. That means the world to me.
You have no idea how your friendship has helped me these last several months.
For those of you in my ward (and stake) who read this...Thank You!
Thank you for loving me just the way I am. Thank you for trying to understand. Thanks for staying my friend and for not running away screaming. Or even running away silently. That means the world to me.
You have no idea how your friendship has helped me these last several months.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Letting Others Adjust
Well, I just wanted to take a minute and followup on my post about Finding Peace in Truth, that I recently posted to my facebook for all to see who wished.
I wasn't sure exactly how well that would be received by some. It's always a risk to share something so personal, and in such a public way.
But I have to say I have been very pleasantly surprised. The responses I received from those who were willing to comment were absolutely positive, encouraging, full of love and understanding, and more importantly - acceptance.
I have received no negative reactions (at least to my face, and I guess that's good). ;) About the only thing I have noticed, is that a few (very few) people have seemed a little more "stand-off-ish". They still acknowledge me, and talk to me, but I can tell they are trying to deal with this new information, and aren't exactly sure how to.
I can accept and appreciate that. When I first realized and accepted this little fact about myself, I was a bit stand-off-ish towards myself as well. :) It took me a long time to truly accept that this was simply a part of who I was ... and I was still who I had always been. I think that is what's hard for some people - they've known me (and others who "come out") for so long, that with this new information that seems so unlikely, and so contrary to the way they've viewed me this whole time, that they somehow see me as a different person suddenly. And now have to reassess everything about who I am. When in reality, I have not changed one little bit. I'm still the same old me I've always been.
But still, for some it takes time. I'm actually more amazed by those who seem to not need any time to adjust to this new information. Truly, that is incredible.
I wasn't sure exactly how well that would be received by some. It's always a risk to share something so personal, and in such a public way.
But I have to say I have been very pleasantly surprised. The responses I received from those who were willing to comment were absolutely positive, encouraging, full of love and understanding, and more importantly - acceptance.
I have received no negative reactions (at least to my face, and I guess that's good). ;) About the only thing I have noticed, is that a few (very few) people have seemed a little more "stand-off-ish". They still acknowledge me, and talk to me, but I can tell they are trying to deal with this new information, and aren't exactly sure how to.
I can accept and appreciate that. When I first realized and accepted this little fact about myself, I was a bit stand-off-ish towards myself as well. :) It took me a long time to truly accept that this was simply a part of who I was ... and I was still who I had always been. I think that is what's hard for some people - they've known me (and others who "come out") for so long, that with this new information that seems so unlikely, and so contrary to the way they've viewed me this whole time, that they somehow see me as a different person suddenly. And now have to reassess everything about who I am. When in reality, I have not changed one little bit. I'm still the same old me I've always been.
But still, for some it takes time. I'm actually more amazed by those who seem to not need any time to adjust to this new information. Truly, that is incredible.
Monday, October 22, 2012
A Whiny Moment
Alfred Lord Tennyson once penned:
The love I have for my family I would never, ever trade. The love I have for dear and wonderful friends sinks deep into my soul. The love I've felt for "that one", I treasure. And yet it is in this particular regard that I question that quote. Because now, instead of just wishing and wondering what it would be like, I know. And therefor I know what I'm missing. I know what I will likely never have again. And that, that feeling leaves me wishing at times that I had never known that level of love.
And yet, if I had it to do all over again, I think I would make the same choice because of the joy and the connection I felt. Because I was a part of something that truly had meaning, value, and connection.
I guess I'm thinking sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
Pitty party over.
'Tis better to have loved and lostWhen I'm having a personal pitty party, I would have to say that I don't agree with that. At least not completely.
Than never to have loved at all.
The love I have for my family I would never, ever trade. The love I have for dear and wonderful friends sinks deep into my soul. The love I've felt for "that one", I treasure. And yet it is in this particular regard that I question that quote. Because now, instead of just wishing and wondering what it would be like, I know. And therefor I know what I'm missing. I know what I will likely never have again. And that, that feeling leaves me wishing at times that I had never known that level of love.
And yet, if I had it to do all over again, I think I would make the same choice because of the joy and the connection I felt. Because I was a part of something that truly had meaning, value, and connection.
I guess I'm thinking sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
Pitty party over.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Finding Peace in Truth
I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to be writing this post. But I have also been praying to feel more connected, to feel more whole and complete, to recognize my blessings, to know the Lord's will for me. And as I sat here just a bit ago writing in my journal, and then catching up on facebook, the idea of writing this post came to me. So I'm following up on that thought.
I'm not even sure I know what I want to say or how to say it.
But if you are here at my blog reading this (for the first time), you likely also read the "about me" section and blog description. So I guess it's kind of already been said.
Many people in my life know I'm gay. My family knows and a few close friends, as well as some acquaintances in the "gay community" and elsewhere. But for the most part, I'm still mostly closeted. I don't share that part of my life much. I don't particularly hide it, but I also don't usually bring it up in conversation even if the timing feels okay. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. Those who do know have been absolutely, amazingly wonderful. Thank you. However, fear of rejection is certainly still there. Fear of trying to explain that although I am indeed gay, I am also very happily active LDS and live those standards the best I can.
So, yeah. It can get complicated. And sometimes I just don't want to try and explain all that. And then there's that little nagging thing that comes up for me much too often - fear of being judged, or worse, misjudged. Judged by the LDS community for being gay. Judged by the gay community for remaining active LDS. However, I guess if someone wants/needs to judge, that's none of my business.
So, despite that fear, I felt it was time to publicly "out" myself. For what reason, I don't fully know. What I do know is this:
- I am a daughter of God. He knows and loves me exactly the way I am.
- The Savior does indeed live. He has called prophets and apostles in this time (as in times of old) to lead and carry forth His Church and Gospel to the world.
- Joseph Smith did indeed see God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ in the flesh. Through him, the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ was brought to light, and Christ's church was fully restored to the Earth.
- I am not, nor have I ever been attracted to men. But oh how I've tried. I've tried and tried, because it would sure make life a lot easier. Alas...
- For whatever reason, I am a gay woman.
And believe it or not, that has been one of the most amazing blessings in my life. Because it has caused me to seek out my Savior time and time and time again. My relationship with Him has been strengthened as I have struggled to make sense of the life before me. There are still so many things I don't know. So much that still brings hurt and heartache. But I love and trust in the Lord. He is my strength. He is my redeemer. His spirit brings peace in the most unlikely times and places.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you."
Monday, June 4, 2012
Feeling Pride in My Sunday Service
I'm not sure I really have the words for this post.
I took the opportunity on Sunday to spend the morning at the Gay Pride Parade. There is a group, Mormons Building Bridges, that entered to march in this parade as a way to reach out with love and understanding to the LGBT community.
I'll admit, when I first heard about this, I was hesitant to go. One, because I would miss church, which I feel very strongly about attending. And two, I was worried we would be met with feelings and words of animosity. After all, the LDS Church hasn't been all too supportive of gays in the past. But being an active, believing member, and gay, I decided it was something I needed to do.
I can't even describe how amazing it was. When we first arrived, we ran into my sister and brother-in-law. I was so thrilled to have family to walk with. That was just the beginning.
As we waited at the staging area for the parade to start, men and women in suits and dresses continued to come, and fill in the street. The organizers were hoping for 100 people. Someone counted over 400.
Once we started walking, I was still somewhat hesitant, and I could feel that in the crowd of marchers as well. But it didn't last long at all. As soon as we started, and met the parade spectators, their cheers absolutely overwhelmed me.
I saw many tears from those on the side. So many people shouting "thank you". Tears, waves, smiles and an overwhelming feeling of gratitude filled the air. Hearts were softened and opened wide. I felt so good being there. There was such amazing energy.
The posters people carried were simple and full of love:
“God loves all his children”
-President Uchtdorf
“...love thy neighbour as thyself.”
-Matt 22:39
“Jesus said love everyone,treat them kindly too...”
-Primary song
“...we will reach out with love and understanding to all...”. -Elder Ballard
“We believe in doing good to all...”. -13th Article of Faith
“If ye are not one ye are not mine...” -D&C 38:27
"God Is love"
-1 John 4:8
There is sunshine in my soul today!
LDS ♡ LGBT"
I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you, that's how I'll show my love for you"
-Primary Song My favorite moment: My roomie and her daughter, who also walked in the parade, in a huge embrace.
I felt the Spirit in such abundance that morning.
It kind of reminds me of what the early saints did when they learned there were still hand-cart companies out on the plains and struggling to make it to the SL Valley. During his General Conference address, Brigham Young said:
"That is my religion; that is the dictation of the Holy Ghost that I possess. It is to save the people. This is the salvation I am now seeking for. To save our brethren that would be apt to perish, or suffer extremely, if we do not send them assistance...I felt like we were involved in a rescue of love. My Stake President recently challenged us all to read the Book of Mormon cover to cover by July 1 and to mark every reference or idea about Rescue. My mind has been full of the idea of rescue since. Sunday's march was an act of rescue. Living what I was being taught from my Stake President through the scriptures.
“I will tell you all that your faith, religion, and profession of religion, will never save one soul of you in the Celestial Kingdom of our God, unless you carry out just such principles as I am now teaching you. Go and bring in those people now on the plains. And attend strictly to those things which we call temporal, or temporal duties. Otherwise, your faith will be in vain. The preaching you have heard will be in vain to you, and you will sink to Hell, unless you attend to the things we tell you.”
Reaching out in love, acceptance and kindness to our brothers and sisters who have been "stranded" is an act of rescue. What good is my faith, my religion if I am not willing to do as the Lord has said, and reach out in love to my neighbor?
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