Monday, January 23, 2012
Spirit
I love it when the spirit confirms truth to me. I may not understand everything I am hearing or receiving, and may still have questions about it all, but there is great peace in knowing I have been taught truth.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Um...I'm not sure
Ah, life's puzzles.
I'm working on a few right now. On one, probably the biggest one, bits and pieces are coming together and it looks promising. So I keep working on it, and it's looking pretty good, though sometimes the pieces are hard to find and some are harder to put together than others. But I'm liking it over all. However, just recently as I began trying to figure out one section,I began having unkind feelings towards it. So much so that I wanted to throw the entire puzzle away. I'm not really sure what that would have accomplished. But that one section made me forget the goodness of the rest of the puzzle.And it made me bitter and cold.
But now, after a little time, as I remember that that is just one section and not the entire puzzle, I need to find a way to get past the part that gives me unkind feelings. Do I just ignore it, and pretend it isn't there? Avoid looking at that section? Or do I just keep working on the puzzle as a whole, here a piece, there a piece and trust the process of puzzle building? That process being to understand that while putting the puzzle together, it might not really be clear or make sense. But once it's finished, the picture becomes clear, and you realize all the pieces had a place and a purpose. All the while realizing that sometimes I'm going to pick up a piece that goes in that difficult section. And the best thing to do is to just accept it for what it is, a piece of the puzzle that needs a place. And work to find that place, then move on.
I know that dwelling on that one unpleasant section won't get me anywhere. Except filled with more unkindness. And you know, I don't really like that feeling. I prefer to see the goodness that this puzzle is full of.
Yeah, that certainly feels better. So on I go, putting the pieces of the puzzle together, trusting in the process.
I'm working on a few right now. On one, probably the biggest one, bits and pieces are coming together and it looks promising. So I keep working on it, and it's looking pretty good, though sometimes the pieces are hard to find and some are harder to put together than others. But I'm liking it over all. However, just recently as I began trying to figure out one section,I began having unkind feelings towards it. So much so that I wanted to throw the entire puzzle away. I'm not really sure what that would have accomplished. But that one section made me forget the goodness of the rest of the puzzle.And it made me bitter and cold.
But now, after a little time, as I remember that that is just one section and not the entire puzzle, I need to find a way to get past the part that gives me unkind feelings. Do I just ignore it, and pretend it isn't there? Avoid looking at that section? Or do I just keep working on the puzzle as a whole, here a piece, there a piece and trust the process of puzzle building? That process being to understand that while putting the puzzle together, it might not really be clear or make sense. But once it's finished, the picture becomes clear, and you realize all the pieces had a place and a purpose. All the while realizing that sometimes I'm going to pick up a piece that goes in that difficult section. And the best thing to do is to just accept it for what it is, a piece of the puzzle that needs a place. And work to find that place, then move on.
I know that dwelling on that one unpleasant section won't get me anywhere. Except filled with more unkindness. And you know, I don't really like that feeling. I prefer to see the goodness that this puzzle is full of.
Yeah, that certainly feels better. So on I go, putting the pieces of the puzzle together, trusting in the process.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Gratitude Challenge
I generally take some time each night to read from the Scriptures, but because I'm a dork, I didn't have them with me last night. So I picked up the December 2011 Ensign and read the first article by Henry B. Eyring - "The Choice to Be Grateful", and I was grateful for the way it touched me.
Following the main article, there was a section for youth entitled "Take A Gratitude Challenge" encouraging us to make a list of 100 things you are grateful for. To make it easier, there are 10 categories. I liked the idea. So I'm doing it here. This might be long, who knows. Of course you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
10 physical abilities you are grateful for:
1. I can walk
2. I can see
3. I can hear
4. I can taste
5. My lungs work
6. My heart works
7. I have use of all my limbs
8. I have a healthy body
9. I can ride a bike
10. I can play the guitar
10 material possessions you are grateful for:
1. My home
2. My car
3. My bike
4. My guitar
5. Clothes
6. Food
7. Indoor plumbing
8. A water heater
9. A heater/AC
10. Computer
10 living people you are grateful for (I have to combine these or this list will get really long)
1. My Savior
2. Mom and Dad
3. Grandma W.
4.Older Brother/Wife and their kids
5. Sister/Husband and their kids
6. Younger Brother and his kids
7. Roommate and her kids - who have become my family
8. President Monson and his counselors
9. My wonderful friend who teaches me guitar
10. R, M, S, O - all great camp friends
10 deceased people you are grateful for:
1. Grandma R
2. Grandpa R.
3. Grandpa W.
4. Ancestors who I feel I've come to know - so many of them
5. Joseph Smith
6. President Hinckly and Sis. Hinckly
7. Nephi
8. Mormon
9. Captain Moroni
10. John the Baptist
10 things about nature you are grateful for: (Just 10? - lol)
1. Sunrises
2. Sunsets
3. Majestic mountains
4. Rustling leaves
5. Berry bushes
6. The smell of rain
7. Clouds
8. Rich soil
9. Singing birds
10. Thunder storms
10 things about today you are grateful for:
1. The sun is shining
2. The temperature is mild
3. I am working
4. I've chatted with my roomie
5. I feel grateful for life
6. I've eaten breakfast
7. I am healthy
8. Doctors who are wise and cautious
9. My family are all alive and well
10. I just chatted with my mommy
10 places on earth you are grateful for:
1. My home (both at home and at work)
2. This beautiful park in which I work
3. Temple Square - and any Temple grounds
4. Machu picchu (I'm going there someday)
5. Beautiful, rugged mountains - anywhere
6. Alaska (I'm going there someday, too)
7. Redwood forest (I'm going there someday, too)
8. The homes of my family members
9. The Sacred Grove
10. My back porch - where I can sit and watch the sunset
10 modern inventions you are grateful for:
1. Computer
2. Cell phones
3. Electricity
4. Indoor plumbing
5. Heaters and Air Conditioners
6. Automobiles
7. Air planes
8. The internet
9. Television
10. Cameras
10 foods you are grateful for: (again only 10?)
1. Oatmeal
2. Granola Bars
3. Potatoes
4. Pasta
5. Ice Cream
6. Brownies
7. Scrumptious salads and all the veggies that go with that
8. Chicken
9. Panda Express
10. Bread
10 things about the gospel you are grateful for:
1. It's restoration
2. The Atonement
3. Living Prophets and Apostles
4. The Priesthood
5. Modern Revelation
6. My Testimony of the Plan of Salvation
7. Temples
8. My calling
9. Programs of the LDS church that allow me to grow and learn
10. Scriptures
Well now, that was fun.
And now I'm going on a hike for work. And I'm grateful for a job that allows me to do that.
Following the main article, there was a section for youth entitled "Take A Gratitude Challenge" encouraging us to make a list of 100 things you are grateful for. To make it easier, there are 10 categories. I liked the idea. So I'm doing it here. This might be long, who knows. Of course you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
10 physical abilities you are grateful for:
1. I can walk
2. I can see
3. I can hear
4. I can taste
5. My lungs work
6. My heart works
7. I have use of all my limbs
8. I have a healthy body
9. I can ride a bike
10. I can play the guitar
10 material possessions you are grateful for:
1. My home
2. My car
3. My bike
4. My guitar
5. Clothes
6. Food
7. Indoor plumbing
8. A water heater
9. A heater/AC
10. Computer
10 living people you are grateful for (I have to combine these or this list will get really long)
1. My Savior
2. Mom and Dad
3. Grandma W.
4.Older Brother/Wife and their kids
5. Sister/Husband and their kids
6. Younger Brother and his kids
7. Roommate and her kids - who have become my family
8. President Monson and his counselors
9. My wonderful friend who teaches me guitar
10. R, M, S, O - all great camp friends
10 deceased people you are grateful for:
1. Grandma R
2. Grandpa R.
3. Grandpa W.
4. Ancestors who I feel I've come to know - so many of them
5. Joseph Smith
6. President Hinckly and Sis. Hinckly
7. Nephi
8. Mormon
9. Captain Moroni
10. John the Baptist
10 things about nature you are grateful for: (Just 10? - lol)
1. Sunrises
2. Sunsets
3. Majestic mountains
4. Rustling leaves
5. Berry bushes
6. The smell of rain
7. Clouds
8. Rich soil
9. Singing birds
10. Thunder storms
10 things about today you are grateful for:
1. The sun is shining
2. The temperature is mild
3. I am working
4. I've chatted with my roomie
5. I feel grateful for life
6. I've eaten breakfast
7. I am healthy
8. Doctors who are wise and cautious
9. My family are all alive and well
10. I just chatted with my mommy
10 places on earth you are grateful for:
1. My home (both at home and at work)
2. This beautiful park in which I work
3. Temple Square - and any Temple grounds
4. Machu picchu (I'm going there someday)
5. Beautiful, rugged mountains - anywhere
6. Alaska (I'm going there someday, too)
7. Redwood forest (I'm going there someday, too)
8. The homes of my family members
9. The Sacred Grove
10. My back porch - where I can sit and watch the sunset
10 modern inventions you are grateful for:
1. Computer
2. Cell phones
3. Electricity
4. Indoor plumbing
5. Heaters and Air Conditioners
6. Automobiles
7. Air planes
8. The internet
9. Television
10. Cameras
10 foods you are grateful for: (again only 10?)
1. Oatmeal
2. Granola Bars
3. Potatoes
4. Pasta
5. Ice Cream
6. Brownies
7. Scrumptious salads and all the veggies that go with that
8. Chicken
9. Panda Express
10. Bread
10 things about the gospel you are grateful for:
1. It's restoration
2. The Atonement
3. Living Prophets and Apostles
4. The Priesthood
5. Modern Revelation
6. My Testimony of the Plan of Salvation
7. Temples
8. My calling
9. Programs of the LDS church that allow me to grow and learn
10. Scriptures
Well now, that was fun.
And now I'm going on a hike for work. And I'm grateful for a job that allows me to do that.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Stress
Stress apparently seems to cause my emotional resolve and steadiness to waver and crack.
I'm feeling less sure of myself. Less sure of my ability to cope successfully with anything that involves more than thinking about what to have for lunch. Things that really shouldn't get to me, are getting to me.
I really don't like that. Because it has an affect on other people as well.
I'm tired. So very tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.
I'm feeling less sure of myself. Less sure of my ability to cope successfully with anything that involves more than thinking about what to have for lunch. Things that really shouldn't get to me, are getting to me.
I really don't like that. Because it has an affect on other people as well.
I'm tired. So very tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Good Things
About this same time last year, I was trying really hard to find peace and understanding in a very difficult change of events that involved my roommate and her new girlfriend. I remember at one very difficult point for me I thought something to the effect of "If for some reason things don't work out between these two, and my roommate then finds another girlfriend, I don't think I can do this again. This is too hard and painful and I will have to leave one way or another."
So it's interesting as I sit here now, my roommate and her gf did not work out. And now my roommate has a new interest. But for what ever reason, this time things are not painful to me like they were before. I'm not sure why. Maybe most of the hard learning and acceptance of change is past. But maybe it's simply a matter of who this new interest is. She's a really nice person and willing to accept me in the life of my roommate. Willing to be friends. But what ever the reason, I feel more secure and more okay than I did this time last year. And that's a good thing.
So it's interesting as I sit here now, my roommate and her gf did not work out. And now my roommate has a new interest. But for what ever reason, this time things are not painful to me like they were before. I'm not sure why. Maybe most of the hard learning and acceptance of change is past. But maybe it's simply a matter of who this new interest is. She's a really nice person and willing to accept me in the life of my roommate. Willing to be friends. But what ever the reason, I feel more secure and more okay than I did this time last year. And that's a good thing.
Monday, November 7, 2011
And on
It's been a while.
In general I haven't spent much time on the computer lately. My new job keeps me pretty busy, and I don't have internet at my "Island House" - my home at work. Not yet anyway. So I've kind of let all my computer endeavors fall by the wayside for a while.
But over the past month I've had the chance to experience something that is rather new and unexpected for me. I began dating a guy. And it wasn't even uncomfortable. On the contrary. Despite my initial reluctance of going to dinner the first time, I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to be totally relaxed and myself throughout the evening. And I didn't even hate it. On pretty much every other "first date", I have found myself just counting down the minutes until the evening ends, and then having no desire to set up date number 2. So to have an enjoyable evening, and zero reluctance to set up date number 2 was a very new and unexpected experience.
It wasn't that I was physically or even really emotionally attracted to this guy, but I was very comfortable with him. So that was enough to convince me to see if this could actually go anywhere.
We continued to date. And every time, had a great time. Always comfortable. Always easy. After about the third or forth time together, I did feel like he needed to know why I had never married. Why I was generally uncomfortable around guys. He needed to know this because 1) I wasn't developing any additional feelings for him, but it seemed he was really starting to like me a whole lot and 2) I needed him to know exactly where I was coming from because I respected him too much to lead him on with false, or unsure expectations. I didn't know if I would ever develop feelings for him beyond friendship. And he needed to know that.
The news broke his heart, and that, surprisingly (again) to me, made me feel very sad for him. So we talked very openly about it. He realized that he would probably never be able to be for me what I needed. I acknowledged that that might be true, but I was willing to try, if he was. Just go with the flow and see where it takes us.
So we did.
We continued to spend time together, have fun together, work on moving and painting projects together. I was hopeful things might just be different. Things might just work out. However, despite the initial miracle of being totally comfortable with him, no other feelings came about. On the contrary, they actually began shifting back to what I'm used to have happening with guys. A reluctance to make the effort to spend time with them. Despite the goodness of this individual, despite the ease with which I could talk with him, the drive that keeps those feelings moving and growing is just not within me. And so the ease to do things with him faded.
I guess I am too much of a coward to do this in person, so I sent him a text and told him where I was, and what I was feeling. After exchanging a few meaningful, but difficult texts, we ultimately said good-bye to one another. I was surprised by how it made me feel. There was a definite loss there. There was also a bit of anger and frustration wondering why things couldn't have been different with me. Why couldn't it have continued to be easy to make the effort to be with him? And then of course the answer comes very simply. I am attracted to and drawn emotionally and physically to women. And despite my best efforts, and my willingness to try to experience other things, I can't force those attractions to shift. Apparently, even trying to just let them emerge naturally with a really easy going and nice guy doesn't work either.
Later that day, after saying good-bye, I looked inside to see what I was feeling and experiencing, and all seemed right again in the world. I was sad that things had to end, but the angst I had begun to feel about spending time with this great guy was gone. I had done the right thing.
And so on I go.
In general I haven't spent much time on the computer lately. My new job keeps me pretty busy, and I don't have internet at my "Island House" - my home at work. Not yet anyway. So I've kind of let all my computer endeavors fall by the wayside for a while.
But over the past month I've had the chance to experience something that is rather new and unexpected for me. I began dating a guy. And it wasn't even uncomfortable. On the contrary. Despite my initial reluctance of going to dinner the first time, I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to be totally relaxed and myself throughout the evening. And I didn't even hate it. On pretty much every other "first date", I have found myself just counting down the minutes until the evening ends, and then having no desire to set up date number 2. So to have an enjoyable evening, and zero reluctance to set up date number 2 was a very new and unexpected experience.
It wasn't that I was physically or even really emotionally attracted to this guy, but I was very comfortable with him. So that was enough to convince me to see if this could actually go anywhere.
We continued to date. And every time, had a great time. Always comfortable. Always easy. After about the third or forth time together, I did feel like he needed to know why I had never married. Why I was generally uncomfortable around guys. He needed to know this because 1) I wasn't developing any additional feelings for him, but it seemed he was really starting to like me a whole lot and 2) I needed him to know exactly where I was coming from because I respected him too much to lead him on with false, or unsure expectations. I didn't know if I would ever develop feelings for him beyond friendship. And he needed to know that.
The news broke his heart, and that, surprisingly (again) to me, made me feel very sad for him. So we talked very openly about it. He realized that he would probably never be able to be for me what I needed. I acknowledged that that might be true, but I was willing to try, if he was. Just go with the flow and see where it takes us.
So we did.
We continued to spend time together, have fun together, work on moving and painting projects together. I was hopeful things might just be different. Things might just work out. However, despite the initial miracle of being totally comfortable with him, no other feelings came about. On the contrary, they actually began shifting back to what I'm used to have happening with guys. A reluctance to make the effort to spend time with them. Despite the goodness of this individual, despite the ease with which I could talk with him, the drive that keeps those feelings moving and growing is just not within me. And so the ease to do things with him faded.
I guess I am too much of a coward to do this in person, so I sent him a text and told him where I was, and what I was feeling. After exchanging a few meaningful, but difficult texts, we ultimately said good-bye to one another. I was surprised by how it made me feel. There was a definite loss there. There was also a bit of anger and frustration wondering why things couldn't have been different with me. Why couldn't it have continued to be easy to make the effort to be with him? And then of course the answer comes very simply. I am attracted to and drawn emotionally and physically to women. And despite my best efforts, and my willingness to try to experience other things, I can't force those attractions to shift. Apparently, even trying to just let them emerge naturally with a really easy going and nice guy doesn't work either.
Later that day, after saying good-bye, I looked inside to see what I was feeling and experiencing, and all seemed right again in the world. I was sad that things had to end, but the angst I had begun to feel about spending time with this great guy was gone. I had done the right thing.
And so on I go.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
General Conference
I wasn't able to watch Saturday's sessions (though I did hear part of Saturday afternoon), but here are some of the messages I received today. Some general, some personal:
- "It's better to look up."
- I want to deepen my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior
- God's laws and standards are in place, despite the world's shifting ideas and values.
- Synchronize my life with Christ's.
- I must not only say my prayers, but live them.
- Learn to hear and understand, and then follow the language of the spirit.
- Maintain a spirit of gratitude in life, for we receive many more blessings than we realize from day to day.
- Maintain and develop a spirit of faith and optimism in life.
- Heavenly Father is mindful of the challenges we all face in this world.
- The gospel provides meaning, purpose, hope and answers the questions of life.
- Show increased kindness to one another.
- Pray for the Prophet and those who serve as General Authorities. We are one as we move forward in this work.
I love conference and the renewed strength and understanding I receive as I open my heart and mind to being taught by the Spirit. There is hope there. There is love there. There is truth there. Not everyone may see it or believe it. But it is there.
God lives. Jesus Christ is my Savior. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church restored upon the earth. The Priesthood is real. The covenants I have made are eternal and powerful. We do have a living Prophet on the earth today. The thoughts and ideas I mentioned above are some of what I heard the Spirit teach through the Lord's anointed servants.
- "It's better to look up."
- I want to deepen my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior
- God's laws and standards are in place, despite the world's shifting ideas and values.
- Synchronize my life with Christ's.
- I must not only say my prayers, but live them.
- Learn to hear and understand, and then follow the language of the spirit.
- Maintain a spirit of gratitude in life, for we receive many more blessings than we realize from day to day.
- Maintain and develop a spirit of faith and optimism in life.
- Heavenly Father is mindful of the challenges we all face in this world.
- The gospel provides meaning, purpose, hope and answers the questions of life.
- Show increased kindness to one another.
- Pray for the Prophet and those who serve as General Authorities. We are one as we move forward in this work.
I love conference and the renewed strength and understanding I receive as I open my heart and mind to being taught by the Spirit. There is hope there. There is love there. There is truth there. Not everyone may see it or believe it. But it is there.
God lives. Jesus Christ is my Savior. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church restored upon the earth. The Priesthood is real. The covenants I have made are eternal and powerful. We do have a living Prophet on the earth today. The thoughts and ideas I mentioned above are some of what I heard the Spirit teach through the Lord's anointed servants.
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