Great Ward

I have a pretty great ward.

For those of you in my ward (and stake) who read this...Thank You!

Thank you for loving me just the way I am. Thank you for trying to understand. Thanks for staying my friend and for not running away screaming. Or even running away silently. That means the world to me.

You have no idea how your friendship has helped me these last several months.

Letting Others Adjust

Well, I just wanted to take a minute and followup on my post about Finding Peace in Truth, that I recently posted to my facebook for all to see who wished.

I wasn't sure exactly how well that would be received by some. It's always a risk to share something so personal, and in such a public way.

But I have to say I have been very pleasantly surprised. The responses I received from those who were willing to comment were absolutely positive, encouraging, full of love and understanding, and more importantly - acceptance.

I have received no negative reactions (at least to my face, and I guess that's good). ;) About the only thing I have noticed, is that a few (very few) people have seemed a little more "stand-off-ish". They still acknowledge me, and talk to me, but I can tell they are trying to deal with this new information, and aren't exactly sure how to.

I can accept and appreciate that. When I first realized and accepted this little fact about myself, I was a bit stand-off-ish towards myself as well. :)  It took me a long time to truly accept that this was simply a part of who I was ... and I was still who I had always been. I think that is what's hard for some people - they've known me (and others who "come out") for so long, that with this new information that seems so unlikely, and so contrary to the way they've viewed me this whole time, that they somehow see me as a different person suddenly. And now have to reassess everything about who I am. When in reality, I have not changed one little bit. I'm still the same old me I've always been.

But still, for some it takes time. I'm actually more amazed by those who seem to not need any time to adjust to this new information. Truly, that is incredible. 

A Whiny Moment

Alfred Lord Tennyson once penned:

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

When I'm having a personal pitty party, I would have to say that I don't agree with that. At least not completely.

The love I have for my family I would never, ever trade. The love I have for dear and wonderful friends sinks deep into my soul. The love I've felt for "that one", I treasure. And yet it is in this particular regard that I question that quote. Because now, instead of just wishing and wondering what it would be like, I know. And therefor I know what I'm missing. I know what I will likely never have again. And that, that feeling leaves me wishing at times that I had never known that level of love. 

And yet, if I had it to do all over again, I think I would make the same choice because of the joy and the connection I felt. Because I was a part of something that truly had meaning, value, and connection.


I guess I'm thinking sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

Pitty party over.

Finding Peace in Truth

I'm not sure I'm in the right frame of mind to be writing this post. But I have also been praying to feel more connected, to feel more whole and complete, to recognize my blessings, to know the Lord's will for me. And as I sat here just a bit ago writing in my journal, and then catching up on facebook, the idea of writing this post came to me. So I'm following up on that thought.

I'm not even sure I know what I want to say or how to say it.

But if you are here at my blog reading this (for the first time), you likely also read the "about me" section and blog description. So I guess it's kind of already been said.

Many people in my life know I'm gay. My family knows and a few close friends, as well as some acquaintances in the "gay community" and elsewhere. But for the most part, I'm still mostly closeted. I don't share that part of my life much. I don't particularly hide it, but I also don't usually bring it up in conversation even if the timing feels okay. Why that is, I'm not entirely sure. Those who do know have been absolutely, amazingly wonderful. Thank you. However, fear of rejection is certainly still there.  Fear of trying to explain that although I am indeed gay, I am also very happily active LDS and live those standards the best I can.

So, yeah. It can get complicated. And sometimes I just don't want to try and explain all that. And then there's that little nagging thing that comes up for me much too often - fear of being judged, or worse, misjudged. Judged by the LDS community for being gay. Judged by the gay community for remaining active LDS. However, I guess if someone wants/needs to judge, that's none of my business.

So, despite that fear, I felt it was time to publicly "out"  myself. For what reason, I don't fully know. What I do know is this:

• I am a daughter of God. He knows and loves me exactly the way I am. 
• The Savior does indeed live. He has called prophets and apostles in this time (as in times of old) to lead and carry forth His Church and Gospel to the world. 
• Joseph Smith did indeed see God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ in the flesh. Through him, the Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ was brought to light, and Christ's church was fully restored to the Earth.
• I am not, nor have I ever been attracted to men. But oh how I've tried. I've tried and tried, because it would sure make life a lot easier. Alas...
• For whatever reason, I am a gay woman.  

And believe it or not, that has been one of the most amazing blessings in my life. Because it has caused me to seek out my Savior time and time and time again. My relationship with Him has been strengthened as I have struggled to make sense of the life before me. There are still so many things I don't know. So much that still brings hurt and heartache. But I love and trust in the Lord. He is my strength. He is my redeemer. His spirit brings peace in the most unlikely times and places.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you."

Feeling Pride in My Sunday Service

I'm not sure I really have the words for this post.

I took the opportunity on Sunday to spend the morning at the Gay Pride Parade. There is a group, Mormons Building Bridges, that entered to march in this parade as a way to reach out with love and understanding to the LGBT community.

I'll admit, when I first heard about this, I was hesitant to go. One, because I would miss church, which I feel very strongly about attending. And two, I was worried we would be met with feelings and words of animosity. After all, the LDS Church hasn't been all too supportive of gays in the past. But being an active, believing member, and gay, I decided it was something I needed to do.

I can't even describe how amazing it was. When we first arrived, we ran into my sister and brother-in-law. I was so thrilled to have family to walk with. That was just the beginning.

As we waited at the staging area for the parade to start, men and women in suits and dresses continued to come, and fill in the street. The organizers were hoping for 100 people. Someone counted over 400.

Once we started walking, I was still somewhat hesitant, and I could feel that in the crowd of marchers as well. But it didn't last long at all. As soon as we started, and met the parade spectators, their cheers absolutely overwhelmed me.

I saw many tears from those on the side. So many people shouting "thank you". Tears, waves, smiles and an overwhelming feeling of gratitude filled the air. Hearts were softened and opened wide. I felt so good being there. There was such amazing energy. 

The posters people carried were simple and full of love: 

“God loves all his children”

-President Uchtdorf

“...love thy neighbour as thyself.”

-Matt 22:39 

“Jesus said love everyone,treat them kindly too...”
-Primary song

“...we will reach out with love and understanding to all...”. -Elder Ballard

“We believe in doing good to all...”. -13th Article of Faith

“If ye are not one ye are not mine...” -D&C 38:27 

"God Is love"
-1 John 4:8

There is sunshine in my soul today!

LDS ♡ LGBT"

I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you, that's how I'll show my love for you"

-Primary Song

My favorite moment: My roomie and her daughter, who also walked in the parade, in a huge embrace. 

 

I felt the Spirit in such abundance that morning. 

It kind of reminds me of what the early saints did when they learned there were still hand-cart companies out on the plains and struggling to make it to the SL Valley. During his General Conference address, Brigham Young said:

"That is my religion; that is the dictation of the Holy Ghost that I possess. It is to save the people. This is the salvation I am now seeking for. To save our brethren that would be apt to perish, or suffer extremely, if we do not send them assistance...

“I will tell you all that your faith, religion, and profession of religion, will never save one soul of you in the Celestial Kingdom of our God, unless you carry out just such principles as I am now teaching you. Go and bring in those people now on the plains. And attend strictly to those things which we call temporal, or temporal duties. Otherwise, your faith will be in vain. The preaching you have heard will be in vain to you, and you will sink to Hell, unless you attend to the things we tell you.”

I felt like we were involved in a rescue of love. My Stake President recently challenged us all to read the Book of Mormon cover to cover by July 1 and to mark every reference or idea about Rescue. My mind has been full of the idea of rescue since. Sunday's march was an act of rescue. Living what I was being taught from my Stake President through the scriptures.

Reaching out in love, acceptance and kindness to our brothers and sisters who have been "stranded" is an act of rescue. What good is my faith, my religion if I am not willing to do as the Lord has said, and reach out in love to my neighbor?

Roses of Life

In my front yard I have a few rose bushes. When I first moved into my house, I thought they were pretty ugly and ratty. Then they bloomed. And the one that I thought looked the ugliest and rattiest, actually produced roses that were the most wonderful smelling things I had ever experienced.

I would stop by that rose bush every day on my way to and from my house. And with that, I adopted the idea of stopping to smell the roses of life. Not just the physical roses, but those things in life that bring peace, comfort, happiness, stillness, feelings of goodness, etc. It's amazing to recognize that there really is something to celebrate in every day.

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.   ~Author Unknown

After too long a time not noticing those roses, it's time once again to celebrate all that life has to offer. 

Too many of my posts lately have focused on something less than positive. And that attitude does not look good on me. It doesn't feel good, either.  And it isn't accurate. While it's true I've had some difficult times in the past several months, I've also had many wonderful times. It is time I start focusing on that once again.

Learn to smile at every situation.  See it as an opportunity to prove your strength and ability.  ~Joe Brown

Sometimes fear overcomes us, overcomes me. And when I let that fear take over, it is very difficult to find hope or peace or sunshine. One can't be happy all the time, but it's one thing to experience a passing gloominess, and another thing to let it rule your life. 

Let your inner sunshine overcome the passing haze of discontent.   ~Dodinsky

I'm deciding now to pay attention to the roses of life, to change my attitude, to look toward the sunshine, to let go of hurt and confusion, and trust in the goodness of life.

Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.  ~ Doctrine and Covenants 6:36

Lasting Influence

I've never really had a problem with Mother's Day. Not until yesterday, that is. I mean, people in the ward try so hard to be inclusive. But I think lately, that "going out of your way to be inclusive" has felt more exclusive than anything.

"You're a mother in the ward."  "You have great influence on our youth."   "You are a mother to so many." Well, while I appreciate the effort to try an include me, all I can really think is "No, I'm not a mother. I'm a youth leader. I'm a woman. But that doesn't make me a mother. I have no posterity. And now I'm reminded once again that I'm just a little different than most other women in the ward."


During Sacrament meeting one of the mothers in the ward was giving a talk. She spoke for a moment about one of her good friends who died suddenly. This friend was 41 years old, never been married, but had had such a great influence on the lives of those around her. That just got to me. I was already feeling a bit sorry for myself (that's always when things are hardest, when I'm feeling all sorry for myself), and then this description of this individual. And I couldn't help it, I just started to cry. It wasn't even that I was single and had never had kids (and probably never will). It was more that I wonder if my life means anything at all to those around me. What kind of influence do I really have on anyone? If I were to die tomorrow, who would remember me? Who would remember me a year from now?

I do have children in my life who I am connected to in some way - nieces, nephews, faux children - but my influence on their lives is minor, temporary, short-lived. If I were gone, they would probably miss me for a while, but that would be more or less fleeting. Their lives would go on pretty much unaltered. 

I kind of hoped I would have a dream showing me what influence I did have on those around me. I didn't. So all I can do is wonder. And hope that I'm wrong. Hope that my life does mean something. That my influence is felt in lasting ways.

I hate being whiny. But sometimes I just am. I still have a lot to learn.