Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Christ-like Love

The past several days I have been experiencing an existential crisis. Truly. It was so convoluted that it was making me crazy. At times, I was so full of despair that I couldn't think of any way out except ending my life.

To try and make sense of it all, I sat down last night and typed three pages of thoughts. Back and forth, spiraling thoughts. Nothing felt more clear after three pages of trying to find clarity. So I just quit writing and decided the only thing I could do was to try and live in my heart. Try to let my heart sort out what my head certainly could not.



Today was better overall, but still questions. This morning the root of my real struggle occurred to me. I texted Kim: “I don’t feel unconditional love from the Lord.... I feel “I love you, but...” I feel “I want to bless you, but...”

That played in my mind and heart all day. I was amazed that after all this time, my entire life, with so many amazing experiences with the Spirit, that deep down, I still believed God’s love for me was based on my performance, my attempts at obedience, etc. In thinking about praying to Him and asking for help, in the back of my mind, I thought “He can’t/won't help you. You aren’t living the way He wants you to.”

My entire life I’ve based my worth and other’s ability to love me on how well I was living up to their expectations. If I felt any kind of disappointment from them, it would wreck me inside, and I would do all I could to fix the situation. And that idea carried over to God as well. 

So all day, I pondered on that. This morning I listened to a couple of recent conference talks. While driving around for work, I listened to Christian music on the radio. Just trying to get my heart right in order to find some kind of peace and answers. 

Later this afternoon, I watched an “I’ll Walk With You” video. In it, the mother was talking about her interactions with a lesbian woman who was in a relationship with a woman. And this mother was so concerned. She intended to talk to her and exhort her to a different path. But one day she hugged this other woman, and was immediately touched and filled with the spirit that expressed to her that the Lord loved this lesbian woman purely, perfectly and deeply. And that was all. No feelings of disappointment, or encouragement to this mother to try and change her. Just pure, deep, unconditional love.

That video touched me.

When I got home, the sun was just beginning to set, so I decided I would drive to a nice open spot to watch it. I started pulling a few weeds first from the front rock garden, and as I did I was taught. Just as the Lord absolutely, perfectly, and purely loved this lesbian woman, He loves me. All of the “I’ll Walk With You”videos that feature parents with gay children – all of them, every one that turned to Lord to know what to do, received the same message: Love them. Why? Because God loves them absolutely, and perfectly.

And He let me know, right there, pulling weeds, that He loves me the exact same way.

As I got in my car and began driving to the causeway, other thoughts came to my mind. The Lord has a purpose in all He does. And one of His purposes for me is to help teach other people, other followers of Christ specifically, how to love more deeply and more unconditionally, more Christ-like. Simply by being me, being who I am. Gay and Mormon. He loves others as much as He love me. And He wants to help them learn how to love as He does. It’s my job to Love as Christ does. To serve His children. And to give them an opportunity to turn to Christ and practice loving in return.  Its my job to love those who struggle to love me.

So when someone has a hard time with who I am, or the choices I make, that’s just all part of the process. Rather than take that to heart and make it about me, I realized today, it's just part of their journey. And to love and be so glad they have the opportunity to grow and stretch, and that I can be a part of that.

Every one of us has our own journeys. To compare mine to someone else's is not only not helpful, but just plain wrong.

It’s my job to be who I am – confidently. And to allow others their journey of learning to embrace the pure love of Christ.

So, truly and honestly, everything really will be okay. My path is my own. It is unique. It is not spelled out in church doctrine. But it is real, true, ordained of God, and mine.

I cried with joy as these realizations filled my heart. God is so good.

Dear Lord, help me remember.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Hope in Unexpected Places

This is supposed to be a happy, positive post. I hope it turns out that way. The thoughts in my  head and the feelings in my heart may not translate well into written text.

I am grateful I met E when I did. Especially in light of the events that took place in the months that followed (and that continue). Because of her, and falling for her the way I did, I gained access to a door in my life I didn't know I had access to.

This experience allowed me to open a door into an entirely new "world" that was full of hope - hope that I had lost. Without this hope, I'm not sure how I would have made it through these last several months - specifically with the hurt I have felt from places that should have brought comfort.

The life I was living was right in line with what is being asked of gay church members. But that line was not bringing me peace or comfort or hope.* Still, that is the line being given as "the way". So had I not opened this unexpected door and stepped into this other "world" which contained a measure of hope, although in an arena I did not expect, the world I would be facing would be excruciating. I honestly don't know where I would be - physically, emotionally, spiritually - knowing the path I was to take, the one I had been journeying, the one we are admonished over and over to live, was only leading me to hurt and despair. The hopelessness would have been complete. 

So even though things didn't work out with E the way I hoped they would, and the journey through that was painful, the world and options it opened up for me has been the hope I've needed to get me through pretty much emotionally intact the last couple of months. And not jut intact, but honestly much better than I have been for quite some time. That experience was the catalyst I needed to make the paradigm shift that has saved my life. In many ways.

I am extremely grateful to my Father in Heaven for helping me find and then realize it was okay for me to open that door.



* I wrote the following some time last summer but never posted it. Now as I read through it I realize this explains pretty clearly the world I was facing, and the extent to which my hope was lost. The door I found, and opened, although it will potentially have negative consequences with church opportunities and blessings, has nevertheless given me the hope I was so desperately seeking. I've included it here to hopefully give some background perspective.
I guess I'm reaching out here.

If I can't have a relationship with someone that would continue to allow me all the earthly blessings of the gospel (i.e. keeping my membership in the church, attending the Temple, etc) - if there is no hope of that - then what else is there in life for me to accomplish, live for, do?

We're taught that we are here on earth for a few reasons:
1) Get a physical body. Check.
2) Be tested and tried and work to be more like the Savior. I suppose that goes on and on, but I feel I have been tested in many ways, and have come out on top, with my testimony in tact.
3) Establish an Eternal family. Well, I am a part of one, but establishing one is not in my cards.

Am I missing anything? So I have my body. I've proven over and over that despite challenges that come my way I will remain true to my Savior. I love Him. But since #3 isn't happening, what's the point in sticking around? Why do I need to stay? Just to continue to be tested, and struggle, and hurt over what I will never have? That doesn't feel very nice.

If there was a relationship I could engage in that would be fulfilling, nurturing, committed, loving, where I was someone's "other half", AND that would allow me to keep serving in the church the way that is so important and meaningful to me, that would be great. And I would have a reason to keep hanging around earth. There would be someone with which I could share my life.

I know there any many, many people in my life who love me. Don't get me wrong. And I love them. I have a great family and incredible friends. But...but. I want to share my life with someone. And if there is no hope of that, even if I fall in love I have to push that away, then what's the point in staying? [side note: I realize now there are many reasons to keep living, but this was my frame of mind at the time, with what I believed were my only options]


I wake up in the morning. I go to work. Maybe I go biking or hiking or kayaking after work. It's great fun. Very peaceful and rewarding. Sometimes I watch my sister's kids. I teach guitar. The Lord is taking care of me and blessing me in so many ways. But in the end, not having someone, and knowing that IT CAN NEVER HAPPEN, leaves me feeling very empty. Very hollow. Very hopeless.

I hurt deeply over the fact that if I did fall in love, I couldn't embrace that relationship. How sad is that? There are no words to describe what that feels like.

Oh how much easier it would be if this mortal experience just ended now. I don't really know what else I can accomplish here other than white-knuckling it through 55 more years (genetics tells me I'll probably live to be 95). That sounds pretty awful to me, to be honest.

If there was hope of having a significant other, at least there would be something, someone to live for.

It was just a few months after writing this that I had the experience I described at the first of this post and realized, that for me, there were other options.

Monday, January 27, 2014

In the Same Boat?


My Bishop asked to meet with me the other day. I didn't want to, but I'm a good girl, so I did. I think he now may regret asking me in. :)

In the past I would have monitored how much and to what extent I shared my thoughts and feelings. Partly because they aren't always clear in my own head, but mostly to avoid making him uncomfortable or for fear of being judged by him.

Those were not a part of my thought processes this time around. Honesty feels a lot better, even if it does make some uncomfortable, or if it means being judged.

I want to be clear that I that I like my Bishop. I support him. I sustain him. 

He wanted to talk to me about two things. The first is not relevant here. The second thing, he said, was regarding my "same-gender...thing."

So we talked about that. I told him honestly, though I was doing pretty well, there are definitely issues I have had, mainly regarding how the Church has responded lately (lately, what am I saying? Pretty much always) to the marriage equality issue. 

I told him I fully support marriage equality. That I was thrilled and so happy when that came to Utah for those couple of weeks. And how I felt once it was stayed. I told him how frustrated I was that the Church feels a need to continue to make this such a difficult issue. How I support traditional marriage and the family. But not to the exclusion of all other types of unions. And that I struggle with the fact that an organization is essentially forcing others to live by their standards, though not everyone experiences life the same or holds the same beliefs. I told him how I wished the church could abide by the Article of Faith about "allowing all men the same privilege" of worshiping "how, where and what they may." And the verse in the Doctrine and Covenants about how religion nor government should influence the other in a way that limits the rights of others. How I wished the Church would follow those principles.

After discussing these things, I mentioned that I didn't know how those ideas and feelings about gay marriage would affect my Temple Recommend renewal. He said as long as I was living the standards, not acting on my feelings, bla, bla, bla, he could renew my recommend....

Well, there's the issue isn't it? So I wondered what does "acting on it" mean to him? I told him I was interested in dating. He didn't really have an answer, so went to the handbook. Of course I knew exactly what was written there. Callings can be held, full activity in the church can be enjoyed, Temple recommend can be renewed by avoiding all homosexual activity. He looked at me with an I'm-sorry-but-there-it-is-spelled-out-clearly look. Then he said, "So if you started dating, it could affect your temple worthiness status."

I told him I had been dealing with this "issue" for a little over 10 years now the way the Church has advised and recommend I do. And for the past three, at least, I've wanted to die. Some days very much so. Because despite my obedience, service, daily prayer, scripture study, and Temple attendance, the peace those things should offer was extremely short lived if there at all. The idea of continuing that for another 40 + years was more than I could bear. So I made the decision to date. And my heart has been at peace.

I mentioned it feels like there is a double standard in the church. Straight people can date. They can hold hands, kiss, etc. With zero consequences. In fact, it is encouraged. And yet, I am asked to not even consider it. Hold hands? Nope. Certainly not kiss. "Avoid any homosexual activity." Absolute double standard.

Then he made a ridiculous comment. There is another single woman in my ward, about my age, straight, who wants to start dating again. He said she and I were in the same boat. Single. Wanting to date. I'm sure the incredulous look on my face made him realize what a stupid comment that was. I said, no, we aren't in the same boat. Not remotely. Because she is encouraged to date. People are happy to see her date. I'm being utterly discouraged to date. Avoid it totally. So, no. We aren't in the same boat. We aren't even on the same ocean.

In his attempt to be helpful, he reminded me how short life really was. And that the best course of action was to continue to pray, read my scriptures, serve, attend church. And everything would be worked out in the next life. I didn't even have the words to express how unhelpful that counsel was. So all I could say was the choice I am faced with is an impossible one to make for someone who loves the gospel. Choose to remain totally  obedient to the policies set out in the church currently, and live the rest of my life alone, and quite possibly miserable, or chose to embrace my need for companionship, and lose so much of what the gospel is in my life.

Again, his only advice was a reminder of how short life is. And that the Lord would work everything out in the end.

Huh. Well, thanks for the chat.

At least he now knows exactly where I am and where I stand. But...he doesn't get it.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Finding Balance

I've been pondering this post ever since the December 20th ruling striking down Utah's 3rd Amendment and the not surprising strong feelings this created on both sides. It actually hurts me a little to even write that - "both sides". Because I see it so differently.

The stay that was subsequently granted on this ruling, while not unexpected, frustrated me and had the effect of emotionally placing me back in the ranks of second-class citizen.

A very dear friend of mine, aware of those feelings, sent me a message expressing her concern for me as well as her own divided feelings regarding this issue. She expressed thoughts, concerns and uncertainties that I have heard many times. Since these things have been on my mind anyway, I've decided to use her questions and concerns as the basis of this post.

These are just my feelings and opinions as I've come to see, feel and believe them.

I've edited and changed a few things, but essentially this is the message my friend sent me:


I'm so sorry about how you're feeling about all that's going on. I myself feel torn!

How do I support my loved ones and be true to my beliefs and the sacredness of my own marriage?

If this law is overturned it affects so many other things in my mind, mainly the covenant we made to keep the law of chastity (to have no sexual relations except with those to whom you are legally and lawfully wedded). This statement technically gives the ok to same sex couples who are legally married, doesn't it? Then who's to say that same sex unions won't ultimately demand to be allowed to be married in the temple? I know that seems extreme but so did all of this 20 years ago.

I'm sorry to write this but I love you and this hurts me too in many ways. Where is the balance in it all? The balance that gives love and respect to all!

Please understand I never want you to feel "less than" in any way!! Please know how much I love you!
So, really, there are two main questions here: 1) How do I support my loved ones and be true to my beliefs and the sacredness of my own marriage, and 2) Who's to say that same-sex unions won't ultimately demand to be allowed to be married in the temple. 

The first question actually confuses me. I honestly don't see how allowing a group of people their civil rights has any effect or bearing at all on the sacredness of any other couple's marriage. The sacredness of a marriage has nothing to do with the laws of the land or the rights of others. That is absolutely and 100% up to the individual couple.

I'm not sure exactly how to say this. So I'll just say it. Just because a person or group has very strong and sacred beliefs does not mean laws should be enacted forcing others, who experience and view life differently, to be held to or limited by those beliefs. The idea that a religion is essentially forcing others to live their standards is actually revolting to me. Regardless of how much I love that religion.

The sacredness of traditional marriage is not affected, weakened, or minimized by allowing same-sex couples to marry. Only those within those marriages can affect that. So, please, please, maintain the sacredness of your marriage. Keep it strong, God-centered, holy and Celestial. Defend it. Fight for it. Strengthen it. Then remember that I would like that same opportunity within my own committed relationship.

Remember Article of Faith #11: We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

The second question: If same-sex marriage is made legal, then who's to say that same-sex unions won't ultimately demand to be allowed to be married in the temple?

I don't have a good answer to that question. Maybe someone else does, but here are my thoughts. A religion has every right to set their own standards, guidelines, rules, etc.  If a same-sex couple did demand to be married in the Temple, I expect the Church would have it's standards set and secure enough to address that issue.

But...but... Let's just say that did happen, and same-sex couples demanded and were than allowed to be married in the Temple. Would that, ultimately, negate the covenants you have made? Would it change your relationship to your spouse and to God? Would it affect the sealing nature and feelings of your Temple ceremony? I hope not.

Ultimately, I believe that a person can support traditional marriage. Defend it. Uphold it. Stay true to their beliefs, AND at the same time realize that many, many people experience life differently and should not be forced to abide by those same beliefs and standards. Nor should they be denied the rights, privileges, and responsibilities afforded to any other citizen.

I know this is a difficult issue for many people. Feelings are strong and run deep. But a person CAN support their gay loved ones and still stay true to their beliefs. Love and respect can be given to all. And I think it comes from living your beliefs and having enough love and respect to allow others to do the same.