Accepting, Learning, Living

Accepting:
I've gone from complete denial about my attractions, to mostly in denial but still hiding from them, to accepting that they are there, but being bound and determined to make them go away or turn into something more "normal", to accepting that they are indeed a part of who I am and a part of my experience in life.

Learning:
For the rest of my life I get to learn. I get to learn about things. I get to learn about people. I get to learn about myself and how I function, how I handle things, how I act or react to different situations. I get to learn how to manage my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I get to learn how to communicate better. I get to learn what my triggers are and how to avoid them, or even better, how to deal with them effectively.

There are so many things to learn, and the best way to do that is to live.

Living:
My attractions are indeed a part of me, and they aren't going away. But I am not about to pull inside of myself and stop living. I am not about to hide from people out of fear that I might find myself crushing on someone, or being totally smitten by someone. How can I ever truly learn to manage my feelings in an acceptable way to myself if I close myself off to connecting with people? I need people. And I really enjoy connecting with them. I'm not saying I'm good at connecting, but when I can, I enjoy it. But if I worried that I might fall for someone if I let myself get too close, then I would likely end up living a very isolated life and learning very little about myself. That doesn't sound fun to me at all.

There are places and situations that are best left alone - but not necessarily because of this SSA stuff. More so because of the potential loss of the Spirit that might occur.  Otherwise, I believe that hiding only delays learning and growth. Sure, I might find myself in a situation that is emotionally and/or mentally taxing, but by facing that, and doing so honestly and diligently, I can learn and grow and become a better person overall.

When I was going through therapy I had to deal with and face many challenging, painful and emotionally taxing and draining things. I could have avoided going to those places, because it was hard. But then where would I be? Still stuck where I was. Rather, I adopted an attitude of "Hard is not bad". In other words, it's okay to go through and face hard things. And now I feel like a very much improved version of myself. I grew and gained a lot of personal knowledge and understanding - on levels physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

I wouldn't give that up just to avoid potentially painful or hard situations.

Journal Processing

Every now and then I like to include entries from past journals. Right now, I am looking at entries from about 9 years ago, when I first began my journey of figuring myself out. It's interesting to review and see what I was struggling with and consider if I've grown in that area since then. I'm happy to say that so far I can see I have grown and changed and increased in my depth of understanding. However, some things I find I do still worry about or struggle with.

Journal Entry
January 2, 2002

"What hit me tonight as I walked Harley was how afraid I am. Afraid I won't win, afraid it will be so hard, afraid of being labeled or judged - or that others will misunderstand. I need to be in control - control of who I am, in control of the choices I make. I do not want anyone, or any thing, any feeling, any habit, any addiction, anything controlling my choices. Controlling what I think or feel or do or say.

And I am afraid of that. Afraid that it will be so hard to not give in to my fears and temptations and weaknesses. I am afraid that others won't understand that, and will feel that I am just making myself more unhappy by trying to fight and stay in control. I am afraid that I will believe them because that is my habit - believe what others say over what I think I need or want - because I often do not trust my own opinion. I am afraid I will question and doubt my own feelings.

I am afraid of the challenge and the work that I face ahead of me. I just want this stuff to be over and that's it.

I am angry. Angry that I have to heal and fix all this stuff from my past. Stuff I didn't realize was happening - stuff I didn't realize was there - but now I have to deal with it. Now I have to fix it.

Is that the wrong attitude? Should I be grateful because this will bring me closer to my Heavenly Father? Maybe. But I still have to deal with it. It's still hard. And I am beginning to think this is something I will be dealing with my whole life! I don't want to. I want to do the healing now, and be done with it!

I thought I was getting better. But the more I go, the more I think about things and deal with things, the more I feel like I am not even remotely ready for much of any kind of relationship.

When I think about dating someone (men) - it really scares me. I don't think I am ready. I don't think I want to. But I know if someone asked, I would go - because well, partly out of curiosity - to see how it feels to date again. To see how I would react and feel about the situation all together. And just to have something to do. But mostly it would be out of curiosity to see how I feel with the whole thing.

I am human. I have weaknesses. The sooner I really and truly understand and accept this, the better off I will be. Because I am still hiding so much, I am sure. I am still trying to maintain some type of illusion that I am all okay. That all is well. When the truth is I don't think I really am. And that scares me. That makes me very afraid, and embarrassed, and nervous and insecure. 

I am embarrassed that I am not more in control than I would like to be, than I think I should be. I am embarrassed that I have insecurities, that I have weaknesses, that I have fears. Why? Why does that embarrass me? Why does it embarrass me not to be in control? To have fears, to have questions?

I thought back in September (2001) that if I opened up, confessed, was honest with myself and others, I would heal. I didn't realize then that the wound ran so deep."