Journal Entry
October 7, 2001
"My...future is unsure. And I guess I am feeling a bit depressed about that. The ever present struggle with whether I am loved or cared about. If I matter. I know people love me, but for some reason I need reaffirming of that often. I need to feel it more than I do...."
October 11, 2001
"I'm in one of my moods where I need to be needed, where I need to know I am cared about. I am not sure what brings that on - I bet if I sat and thought long enough I could get to the core.
I need to somehow learn how to love myself - to be okay with who I am. To recognize my weaknesses and work to overcome them, but love them because they are a part of me. Or at least to recognize the effort I put into overcoming that stuff. To be ok with my feelings and the way I choose to deal with them or not.
I need to be loved - not just by a friend or my mom - but I need someone to love me, and want to be with me. Someone who I can love in return. And right now the only love I am getting is from my family and my friends - who are all women. That puts my mind and my heart in places I don't feel good going. Same sex relationships can only go as far as a good friend - not any deeper. But because I long to be loved and needed, I am finding myself looking more to my friends for that love. And that is just messing with my mind and my heart in a way that they don't need to be messed with.
I am going to talk to a counselor about all of this and pray that she can help me sort through it all. The more I have the spirit with me, the stronger I am. I need to trust in and lean on the savior."
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Some Life Lessons
I'm not sure how to word this post. All too often lately, I have spoken words out of self-absorption without really working through them or truly considering how they might affect another person. I don't want to do that again. Because the results have lead to inaccurate conclusions by others. Of course, I don't blame them. I'm sure if I were told some of the things I've said lately, I would come to the same conclusions, and they just aren't accurate. So with that vague introduction, what is it I want to say?
I need to preface this post with this: I am lazy by nature. Things that take too much effort, especially mental effort, I tend to minimize or avoid. I am not a deep thinker. I am not an analyzer. For me, those things just take too much effort, and I would rather be thinking about and focusing on lighter things. But then something happened several years ago that forced me to start digging internally.
I realized I was attracted to women. And I realized my self-esteem was in the toilet. My self-esteem was indeed "other-esteem".
Thus followed years of self work. Years of mental and emotional and spiritual work. Years of trying to find self-love, self-confidence, and self-worth. Realizing I was attracted to women was the catalyst to begin this more important work of discovering myself.
Ultimately this effort, combined with sincere prayer, lead me to a moment of true revelation where the Spirit was finally able to get through to me and show me a glimpse of who I was. It was a wonderful, sacred moment. I was at once not just mentally aware of my worth, but deeply, wholly and spiritually aware of it. I could with all honesty say I loved myself. Truly, deeply, and completely. It was a moment of true enlightenment.
This was such an incredible moment for me, that I was sure I would never forget the feelings of that day. I was sure I would never lose sight of who I was, my value and worth. That I would never again need others to show me my worth, because I received that assurance from a much greater and purer source.
Years went by and I found that when I was faced with moments of doubt that I only had to reflect back on that experience, and I was once again buoyed up and assured that I was of worth. However, because my nature is still lazy, I recognize now that I quit making efforts to strengthen the truth that I had received. I quit working on my own self-worth truths. Why? Because I began getting that reassurance from another person. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. Not at all. But for someone who is lazy mentally and emotionally, receiving such powerful assurance of my worth from somewhere other than within allowed me to stop working on and cultivating it myself. Before too long, and without me even realizing it had happened, I once again was relying on "other-esteem".
And that could have continued indefinitely had not the one constant in life not occurred - change. A change began to happen with the person who I was receiving all my self-assurance from. As this change continued, progressed and more fully developed, I found my foundation of "self-worth" slipping from me. I tried to reflect back on that moment of revelation and stability, and found it lacked the power it once had for me. I had forgotten what it means to have self-worth. Forgotten it quite deeply. I had relied so heavily on the worth I felt from another, that I totally abandoned the effort to cultivate self-worth within.
Now, this is not to say that the other person withdrew everything emotionally strengthening from me. Not at all. But the change was enough, and my own foundation of worth so fragile, that I was not able to stand on my own during this change. I needed the validation, as it had always come, in order to be okay with myself. And while that validation and that love had not gone anywhere, it was different. And that was enough to cause my foundation to crumble from under me.
I realized with quite a bit self-disappointment what I had done. I had, unknowingly, put all my feelings of value and worth onto another person. I had become emotionally unhealthy once again. And placed a huge and un-fair burden onto another person.
I am so sorry.
I am also very grateful for this person's own sense of self to have the courage and understanding to move towards their own change as they felt they needed to. Because it helped me to realize where I went wrong. And that I relied way to heavily on them for validation of my worth. That validation is my responsibility. Not theirs. I am sorry.
So now begins my journey once again. I must regain my own sense of self-worth. I must make the effort to find my value from within, notwithstanding any outward influence.
There is analogy for this. It is like doing bench presses in a gym. I begin and struggle to lift the weight. I start out small and light, but over time I get strong enough and confident enough that I can lift the desired weight on my own. Then a spotter comes along to assist me. And gradually, I let the spotter do more and more of the work, while I simply go through the motions. But it is so gradual that neither of us realize who is carrying the majority of the weight. Then something changes, the spotter shifts their grip, changes their stance, removes a hand, and suddenly all the weight comes back to me. And because I haven't really been doing the work on my own for so long, I no longer have the strength to lift the desired weight. So now I have a choice, I can either whine and complain to the spotter to start lifting the weight again, so I can go through the motions of doing a bench press, or take that responsibility back to myself, and relearn how to lift the weight on my own. Of course, the best answer is clean. And although it's maybe a more difficult answer, it is the only real way to keep growing and learning. And this time I've hopefully learned what the spotter is truly for, being there to help if I get in over my head, but not carrying all the weight for me.
It may not be a perfect analogy, but to sum everything up, I have made an important realization - I have let my sense of worth rest squarely on the shoulders of another person. That is neither healthy nor fair. It is time for me to rediscover my own 'self' worth.
I need to preface this post with this: I am lazy by nature. Things that take too much effort, especially mental effort, I tend to minimize or avoid. I am not a deep thinker. I am not an analyzer. For me, those things just take too much effort, and I would rather be thinking about and focusing on lighter things. But then something happened several years ago that forced me to start digging internally.
I realized I was attracted to women. And I realized my self-esteem was in the toilet. My self-esteem was indeed "other-esteem".
Thus followed years of self work. Years of mental and emotional and spiritual work. Years of trying to find self-love, self-confidence, and self-worth. Realizing I was attracted to women was the catalyst to begin this more important work of discovering myself.
Ultimately this effort, combined with sincere prayer, lead me to a moment of true revelation where the Spirit was finally able to get through to me and show me a glimpse of who I was. It was a wonderful, sacred moment. I was at once not just mentally aware of my worth, but deeply, wholly and spiritually aware of it. I could with all honesty say I loved myself. Truly, deeply, and completely. It was a moment of true enlightenment.
This was such an incredible moment for me, that I was sure I would never forget the feelings of that day. I was sure I would never lose sight of who I was, my value and worth. That I would never again need others to show me my worth, because I received that assurance from a much greater and purer source.
Years went by and I found that when I was faced with moments of doubt that I only had to reflect back on that experience, and I was once again buoyed up and assured that I was of worth. However, because my nature is still lazy, I recognize now that I quit making efforts to strengthen the truth that I had received. I quit working on my own self-worth truths. Why? Because I began getting that reassurance from another person. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. Not at all. But for someone who is lazy mentally and emotionally, receiving such powerful assurance of my worth from somewhere other than within allowed me to stop working on and cultivating it myself. Before too long, and without me even realizing it had happened, I once again was relying on "other-esteem".
And that could have continued indefinitely had not the one constant in life not occurred - change. A change began to happen with the person who I was receiving all my self-assurance from. As this change continued, progressed and more fully developed, I found my foundation of "self-worth" slipping from me. I tried to reflect back on that moment of revelation and stability, and found it lacked the power it once had for me. I had forgotten what it means to have self-worth. Forgotten it quite deeply. I had relied so heavily on the worth I felt from another, that I totally abandoned the effort to cultivate self-worth within.
Now, this is not to say that the other person withdrew everything emotionally strengthening from me. Not at all. But the change was enough, and my own foundation of worth so fragile, that I was not able to stand on my own during this change. I needed the validation, as it had always come, in order to be okay with myself. And while that validation and that love had not gone anywhere, it was different. And that was enough to cause my foundation to crumble from under me.
I realized with quite a bit self-disappointment what I had done. I had, unknowingly, put all my feelings of value and worth onto another person. I had become emotionally unhealthy once again. And placed a huge and un-fair burden onto another person.
I am so sorry.
I am also very grateful for this person's own sense of self to have the courage and understanding to move towards their own change as they felt they needed to. Because it helped me to realize where I went wrong. And that I relied way to heavily on them for validation of my worth. That validation is my responsibility. Not theirs. I am sorry.
So now begins my journey once again. I must regain my own sense of self-worth. I must make the effort to find my value from within, notwithstanding any outward influence.
There is analogy for this. It is like doing bench presses in a gym. I begin and struggle to lift the weight. I start out small and light, but over time I get strong enough and confident enough that I can lift the desired weight on my own. Then a spotter comes along to assist me. And gradually, I let the spotter do more and more of the work, while I simply go through the motions. But it is so gradual that neither of us realize who is carrying the majority of the weight. Then something changes, the spotter shifts their grip, changes their stance, removes a hand, and suddenly all the weight comes back to me. And because I haven't really been doing the work on my own for so long, I no longer have the strength to lift the desired weight. So now I have a choice, I can either whine and complain to the spotter to start lifting the weight again, so I can go through the motions of doing a bench press, or take that responsibility back to myself, and relearn how to lift the weight on my own. Of course, the best answer is clean. And although it's maybe a more difficult answer, it is the only real way to keep growing and learning. And this time I've hopefully learned what the spotter is truly for, being there to help if I get in over my head, but not carrying all the weight for me.
It may not be a perfect analogy, but to sum everything up, I have made an important realization - I have let my sense of worth rest squarely on the shoulders of another person. That is neither healthy nor fair. It is time for me to rediscover my own 'self' worth.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Trip to Colorado
Journal Entry - September 26, 2001
"Tomorrow Annette and I are going to Colorado to visit some friends. Actually, most of who we are visiting are Annette's friends, so mostly I am just tagging along for the ride. Kinda' weird - but I am sure it will be fun."
September 29, 2001
"We drove for 10 hrs along Hwy 40...to get here. It was a beautiful drive...
We went over to 'Linda' and 'Cathy's' place for dinner. It was yummy. On Friday, Nets and I met up with 'Rachael' (from the bike ride) and went on a bike ride. We picked up 'Rachael's' friend, Kat and got a little to eat.
Then we came back to 'Dennis'' (Annette's brother) place, ... made dinner and 'Linda' and 'Cathy' came over to eat. We had a nice conversation. I felt a bit uncomfortable during parts (the gay relationship stuff - they are all gay) but not too bad. I don't worry if people think I am gay - but I do wonder. I wonder what they think, what their thoughts about me are. That I seem so ok with hanging around with gay people is funny to them - especially since I am an active Mormon - and most LDS people are not ok with that. And again, I am not ok with the lifestyle, but these are my friends, and I accept them and love them for who they are.
It has been mentioned before that it takes someone who is totally ok with who they are (sexually, I guess) to be able to really be ok with spending time with gay people. I like to think that refers to me. The truth is I do struggle a bit, not with what I hope for and want, because that is totally clear, my goal in that respect is sure. But I do struggle with what I at times feel. And I think (and wonder) if that shows through to people. Which is why I wonder what people think. I don't think it would change much how I act, and who I spend time with. But it may - who knows. I might find I am more guarded. I guess in some ways that's good, but in other ways not so good."
October 5, 2001
"Saturday night last week in Denver was bad for me. The day was fun. We went also with a guy named 'Rich' - Dennis' friend. He was very nice, and fun. And we all had a good day, all day. Then when we dropped him back off at his hotel room, they all got into a discussion - that basically included the Church and gays. He made a lot of comments that were very offensive to me. Not so much the words he said, although that had a lot to do with it, but it was mostly how he said it. It was belittling, mocking - taking things sacred and holy and dragging them through the mud - mocking and ridiculing Joseph Smith and other church leaders I have the greatest respect and admiration for. It was bad. Luckily it didn't go on very much longer or I would have had to leave at the risk of being rude. But it ended and we left. I wonder if they sensed I was getting upset. If they did, they made no indication to the point. Except for later, 'Carol' (Annette's cousin) apologized for her behavior.
Anyway, that was hard for me for a couple of days. I am okay now, and above all I recognize how important those sacred things are to me, and that I cannot stand having them mocked and ridiculed. From anyone....
...I am grateful for my testimony. It really is deeper than words can say - because in all reality, words didn't give me my testimony. The spirit did, and therefor it can only be understood by the spirit. I have a lot to work on. I know that. I am FAR from being perfect - which is why I am so very grateful for the gospel, and especially for the atonement."
"Tomorrow Annette and I are going to Colorado to visit some friends. Actually, most of who we are visiting are Annette's friends, so mostly I am just tagging along for the ride. Kinda' weird - but I am sure it will be fun."
September 29, 2001
"We drove for 10 hrs along Hwy 40...to get here. It was a beautiful drive...
We went over to 'Linda' and 'Cathy's' place for dinner. It was yummy. On Friday, Nets and I met up with 'Rachael' (from the bike ride) and went on a bike ride. We picked up 'Rachael's' friend, Kat and got a little to eat.
Then we came back to 'Dennis'' (Annette's brother) place, ... made dinner and 'Linda' and 'Cathy' came over to eat. We had a nice conversation. I felt a bit uncomfortable during parts (the gay relationship stuff - they are all gay) but not too bad. I don't worry if people think I am gay - but I do wonder. I wonder what they think, what their thoughts about me are. That I seem so ok with hanging around with gay people is funny to them - especially since I am an active Mormon - and most LDS people are not ok with that. And again, I am not ok with the lifestyle, but these are my friends, and I accept them and love them for who they are.
It has been mentioned before that it takes someone who is totally ok with who they are (sexually, I guess) to be able to really be ok with spending time with gay people. I like to think that refers to me. The truth is I do struggle a bit, not with what I hope for and want, because that is totally clear, my goal in that respect is sure. But I do struggle with what I at times feel. And I think (and wonder) if that shows through to people. Which is why I wonder what people think. I don't think it would change much how I act, and who I spend time with. But it may - who knows. I might find I am more guarded. I guess in some ways that's good, but in other ways not so good."
October 5, 2001
"Saturday night last week in Denver was bad for me. The day was fun. We went also with a guy named 'Rich' - Dennis' friend. He was very nice, and fun. And we all had a good day, all day. Then when we dropped him back off at his hotel room, they all got into a discussion - that basically included the Church and gays. He made a lot of comments that were very offensive to me. Not so much the words he said, although that had a lot to do with it, but it was mostly how he said it. It was belittling, mocking - taking things sacred and holy and dragging them through the mud - mocking and ridiculing Joseph Smith and other church leaders I have the greatest respect and admiration for. It was bad. Luckily it didn't go on very much longer or I would have had to leave at the risk of being rude. But it ended and we left. I wonder if they sensed I was getting upset. If they did, they made no indication to the point. Except for later, 'Carol' (Annette's cousin) apologized for her behavior.
Anyway, that was hard for me for a couple of days. I am okay now, and above all I recognize how important those sacred things are to me, and that I cannot stand having them mocked and ridiculed. From anyone....
...I am grateful for my testimony. It really is deeper than words can say - because in all reality, words didn't give me my testimony. The spirit did, and therefor it can only be understood by the spirit. I have a lot to work on. I know that. I am FAR from being perfect - which is why I am so very grateful for the gospel, and especially for the atonement."
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Journal Entry - September 15, 2001
"More tomorrow, but I wanted to jot this down so I don't forget: I accept other people even though I may not, and often don't agree with or support their lifestyle."
September 16, 2001 (Sunday)
"Annette (roommate) and I talked late into the night last night. A lot about what I wrote above. I think it is great that we can both be living such different lives, and still be able to accept and support one another. And be able to talk about so many things.
I spoke to the Bishop today - what a feeling of peace, and of a burden being lifted. He is going to find out about a counselor for me to see - to help me work through some things - to give me extra amo against the adversary.
I have never gone to counseling - and am a little apprehensive. I guess in a way it makes me feel weak, or unfaithful, un-trusting. Like I don't trust the Lord's ability to heal me, just through me working and trusting in Him. But then again, the Lord often works through other people. And I prayed today that the Bishop would know what to do and say to help me - and this was his counsel. So I will follow it."
September 16, 2001 (Sunday)
"Annette (roommate) and I talked late into the night last night. A lot about what I wrote above. I think it is great that we can both be living such different lives, and still be able to accept and support one another. And be able to talk about so many things.
I spoke to the Bishop today - what a feeling of peace, and of a burden being lifted. He is going to find out about a counselor for me to see - to help me work through some things - to give me extra amo against the adversary.
I have never gone to counseling - and am a little apprehensive. I guess in a way it makes me feel weak, or unfaithful, un-trusting. Like I don't trust the Lord's ability to heal me, just through me working and trusting in Him. But then again, the Lord often works through other people. And I prayed today that the Bishop would know what to do and say to help me - and this was his counsel. So I will follow it."
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Journal Entry - September 11, 2001
"First thing this morning as I am driving to my class, I hear on the news that 2 planes were flown into the World Trade Towers. Two others were hijacked. One was flown into the Pentagon in D.C. and the other crashed....
After the planes were flown into the trade towers, both towers collapsed - within 30 minutes of each other. The World Trade Towers. The two of them can have upwards of 50,000 people in them. There is no way they all got out. I am sure thousands were killed....It absolutely blows my mind....These were innocent people...
All flights into and within the US were stopped until noon tomorrow. The entire nation is shut down....
And in addition to that I am dealing with a bit of a personal emotional crisis. But more on that another day. Let's just say things that I thought I had under control have been thrown into my face to where I am not sure about that anymore."
September 13, 2001
"The last word is that around 4,700 people are missing - missing because they still have not been able to sort through all of the debris from the buildings....Around 300 rescue and fire fighters are missing - those who first went into the buildings to get people out....
I have an interview with the Bishop on Sunday. I am going to try to tell him the inner struggle I have been having lately. Finally tonight I am feeling some peace about it. I trust in the Savior and in the atonement. I can be healed - and normal, good feelings can then emerge."
September 14, 2001
"Today was a National Day of Remembrance. All over the country, people gathered together at various times and in various ways to remember the loss, and pray for the suffering and for the country.
My prayer is that we will never forget this. That we will take this, and learn and grow, and have more love, more acceptance, more kindness to others. More looking and turning to God as individuals and as a Nation.... It was a day that shattered the Nation, and brought us all a lot closer together...
This has been a personal time for healing for me. Sunday I have an interview with the Bishop to discuss some issues and struggles I have been facing. It is time to open up, to confess, to heal... to be honest with myself, to be honest with others, to be honest with God."
After the planes were flown into the trade towers, both towers collapsed - within 30 minutes of each other. The World Trade Towers. The two of them can have upwards of 50,000 people in them. There is no way they all got out. I am sure thousands were killed....It absolutely blows my mind....These were innocent people...
All flights into and within the US were stopped until noon tomorrow. The entire nation is shut down....
And in addition to that I am dealing with a bit of a personal emotional crisis. But more on that another day. Let's just say things that I thought I had under control have been thrown into my face to where I am not sure about that anymore."
September 13, 2001
"The last word is that around 4,700 people are missing - missing because they still have not been able to sort through all of the debris from the buildings....Around 300 rescue and fire fighters are missing - those who first went into the buildings to get people out....
I have an interview with the Bishop on Sunday. I am going to try to tell him the inner struggle I have been having lately. Finally tonight I am feeling some peace about it. I trust in the Savior and in the atonement. I can be healed - and normal, good feelings can then emerge."
September 14, 2001
"Today was a National Day of Remembrance. All over the country, people gathered together at various times and in various ways to remember the loss, and pray for the suffering and for the country.
My prayer is that we will never forget this. That we will take this, and learn and grow, and have more love, more acceptance, more kindness to others. More looking and turning to God as individuals and as a Nation.... It was a day that shattered the Nation, and brought us all a lot closer together...
This has been a personal time for healing for me. Sunday I have an interview with the Bishop to discuss some issues and struggles I have been facing. It is time to open up, to confess, to heal... to be honest with myself, to be honest with others, to be honest with God."
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