Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Tattered Cloth

I didn't realize it until very recently, this morning actually, how fragile and tattered my heart, soul and spirit had become. I don't really think of myself as a fragile person, but after attending the Temple this morning, and spending a lot of time in the Celestial Room, I was surprised to feel my soul and spirit gingerly, tentatively knitting itself back together. It was then that I realized how fragile I had become.

Over the last several weeks, many things have happened that have been pulling, stretching, tearing, fraying, cutting, thinning, twisting and otherwise wearing away at my heart, soul and spirit. As I began to experience the process of healing, I pictured myself as an old, worn and very fragile piece of cloth in which historians and curators, wearing gloves in temperature, humidity, and light controlled rooms carefully and gently attempt to restore it. Where there is an exciting vision of what it might once again become, but also very cautious of moving too quickly so as to avoid causing the tattered cloth to fall apart completely. Therefore great care, caution and patience must be taken.

As I walked from the Temple, that's how I felt. Surprised at how worn my soul had become, grateful that it had begun a healing, restorative process, but knowing full well there is still much to do before my soul, heart and spirit are fully made whole. So I remain hesitant, cautious, guarded. But optimistic, looking forward to more days spent in the Savior's healing embrace.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Difficult Trust

Some thoughts, feelings and questions I've had lately:
Church councils. I wonder about these more so than I ever have before because my roomie is going through one today, for an issue that ultimately she can't really do anything about and remain who she is. I was really struggling with this idea the other night, and the thought came to me that if anything were to put a wedge between me and my testimony of the church, it would be this. If she is excommunicated, what chance does she have of ever coming back in to full fellowship in the church, with all the rights, blessings and privileges available? Again, only if she gives up a big portion of who she is, and chooses to live a half life. And yet, she is one of the most spiritual, god-fearing people I know. She seeks and follows God's will for her as she feels she receives it. She loves the Lord with all her heart. She has a testimony of the gospel in its fulness. Of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, priesthood, prophets, personal revelation, the Atonement of the Savior. So to excommunicate someone like that just feels wrong and not helpful at all.When someone has that kind of love for the Savior, and for Prophets, and the gospel, to excommunicate them and take away the very things they likely need for support has always felt wrong to me. If they are struggling with something, help them. Don't punish them. Unless they have no desire to remain attached to the church. Or are preaching false, vain and foolish doctrine and are trying to lead others away, or bash and destroy the church. Otherwise, let them keep their membership in the church. Let them serve. Let them participate and be strengthened by that activity.

But even in this she has been an example to me. Whatever the decision today, she isn't going anywhere. She isn't going to speak negatively of church leaders. She understands that this won't change her relationship with the Savior, or affect His love for her in the least. She isn't about to leave the Church, despite some of the flaws that might exist within some of the policies and practices. She is truly an example to me in this.

So, I must follow her example and just trust. Trust that whatever happens today, her relationship with her Savior is intact. Though she will miss out on many of the blessings of the gospel, some of which are very personally important, she is still led and guided by His Spirit. She still follows His will for her in her life as she understands it. I need to trust also.

One of the things that has come to my mind that brings me some hope and comfort, and maybe a little understanding is Article of Faith 9: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God."

I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true and living Church of Christ on earth. I know that it contains "all that God has revealed" up to this point in history. In that sense, it does contain His fullness. But, there are "many great and important things" yet to be revealed. I don't know what that is. But I do know that we don't yet know all things. Our understanding, our ways, are not His ways. And "that all things work together for good to them that love God."(Romans 8:28)

That is what I have to hang onto. Trust and have faith.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Not Really All That Off-Balance

Being released really affected me much  more so than I expected. That, on top of the difficult news my roommate is dealing with, left me very emotional.

However, like is normally the case, I talked about it, I wrote about, I let things settle out and settle down, and I find I'm not really as off-balance as I was feeling. Momentarily, sure. But truthfully, and long-term? No. Putting things on paper, talking about them, sharing them in some way, really does help me. It doesn't change any particular circumstance, but somehow it releases some kind of pent-up energy, that, once gone, seems to re-stabilize my soul, my heart. Nothing needs to change. Nothing needs to be "set right". Everything really is and will be okay.

I have found this to be true over and over again with difficult things. Especially things dealing with my heart. If I can just share the hurt, or the fear or the feelings, they tend to ease up. I don't know what it is exactly. Maybe just being seen, being heard. Knowing that my feelings are known. It helps.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Off-Balance

I've been an emotional wreck this weekend. 


Much of what has been a part of my life, has been a stabilizing force in my life, has given me identity over the past 8 years has or is ending, changing. And it isn't so much that things have changed, because change is constant, it's that the things that have changed have given me more stability and identity than I realized.  I'm finding I don't know how to cope with these loses. I'm feeling unraveled and not sure where or how to proceed.

I was released from an organization I've been a part of for the past 7 years. I didn't realize it, but that calling has defined me in so many ways. It has given me purpose and direction. My relationship with my roommate has shifted dramatically over the past couple of years, and that has caused me some heartache and insecurity. And she is currently facing a very difficult time and change in her own life, which leaves me aching for her.

Each of these things has given me more security, direction and identity than I realized. With their loss, I feel unsure and disconnected with the direction my life will and should take, even a little bit with who I am.