Thursday, June 30, 2011

My Gut

It is so my bed time. But I've had an interesting day that started out more or less with an unknown nervousness settling into my gut and causing some, shall we say, intestinal objections.

This deep, nervous feeling settled in once before. It was about 10 years ago when I first realized, or acknowledged, that I was same-sex attracted and I was off to a conference for LDS (and other) folks who were also gay/SSA but trying to overcome it. I had my mom with me. I had just spilled the beans to her not long before. This was all so new to me. So scary. So uncertain. My whole life I thought I was probably the only person in the entire world to have these feelings but not want to act on them. How weird to be going to a conference with hundreds of other people who more or less felt the same way.

This was huge for me. Everything was still so new. And I was deeply nervous to be going. It felt like a huge "outing" to me. After trying to make these feelings go away for so long, and then hiding them for so long, to suddenly be going to a place where I would be totally exposed was absolutely terrifying to me. And so my gut and bowels reacted.

Kind of like they did this morning...and still kind of are as I type this.

I am starting a new job tomorrow. Well, essentially the same job just in a new location. So initially I figured it was just about that. But the more I looked at it, considered it, weighed it, I found that I'm not really that nervous to be starting this new venture. So there must be something else causing this nervous, unsettled feeling.

I don't know that I've totally figured it out, but it feels like it has to do with my last post, and a need/desire to share more with more people. How, who and in what setting I'm not sure. But when I think about this idea, my gut-ache kind of subsides. There is a change of some kind coming - not sure exactly what or how, but it makes me nervous.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Living Consciously

So being LDS and being gay sometimes presents some interesting personal moments - especially not being totally "out" to everyone.

I am not in denial about my sexuality. I am a woman attracted to women. I am not confused about what I want in my life. I am a very religious person. I always have been. That part of my life defines me more than my sexuality does. 

But these two things don't always seem to mesh in the minds of other people. Well, I have to assume that. I guess personally I haven't had anyone criticize or question me about anything, but I can just imagine the thoughts going through some people's minds, especially friends I've had growing up who know my personality; those who probably knew before I did that I was gay. They see me. They see who I live with. They see who I spend my family vacations and holidays with. And then they see that I am still LDS and heavily involved with my church and calling as Young Women President. And I have no doubt that more than one has thought, "Wow, she is still in so much denial."

So how do I settle this for myself? I feel like I want to be known - at least in some circles. I have always wondered (and sometimes worried) what people think of me. What they think about me. I guess part of me doesn't mind too much that someone might assume things incorrectly about me - assume I'm in denial. But at the same time, I'd like them know I'm not an idiot about myself. And that I am living my life consciously and purposefully.

Beyond that thought I'm not sure where to take this. I don't think it's necessary at this time in my life to live totally "out", and I have specific reasons for that. But at the same time, there are reasons for me to want to be more open about myself and how and why I live my life the way I do. But I need to be careful about that. If it's just a pride thing, so people will know I'm not an idiot and in denial, then that might not be the best reason to open up more.

Things to think about.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Young Love

The other day I was challenged to think back to my first crush. I had two prior to High School, but there wasn't anything significant about them other than me gawking and thinking they were the coolest thing and trying to find reasons to be closer to them. I never really spoke to either of them - just admired from a distance. So those are kind of boring crushes.

My first truly memorable crush I had at age 14-15 when I was just a cute little Freshman in High School. Well, cute is maybe stretching it, and I was generally taller than other girls my age. But I was a Freshman. :)

And my crush was my PE teacher, Kathy Butler. Of course at that age, I had no idea I was so totally crushing on her. I didn't realize that until years later as I read through my journal and found some resounding evidence of a girl totally smitten by someone. I just really liked her. She was funny, kind, supportive, fun to be around. She laughed easily and often. She was cute, too. But that aspect didn't consciously register with me, though I recognized it and felt my draw to her increase because of it.

At the end of my Freshman year, I wrote a couple of poems for her. And according to my journal I did indeed give them to her. I'm grateful that I kept a journal, because I had forgotten all about these. But luckily for you, I wrote them down.

Many long and
Sunny days I've spent with you -
 
Bringing forth many new challenges, never
Unwilling
To give some support. Your
Loving kindness and joy
Ever
Ringing in my heart
=
Learning new skills - having more fun -
Opening new doors - making new friends
Very well
Explains the influence you have over me.

And if that wasn't awesome enough, here's this one:

Beauty and joy, never
Unwanted by one - for
The kindness and
Love that you show
Every day of your life
Rings in my heart, and I will never let it go.

But wait, there's more:

Butterflies glistening in the light
Untouched by the years of existance -
Tomorrow is another day - but my
Love for you will never be
Erased - for once you love a butterfly, that love
Remains forever.

And then to show that my poetic skills are not simply limited to the mushy, I wrote this for her:

Love you Butler,
Love you chum,
You are such a great big scum.
I'm just kidding
You know Kath
I just want to hear you laugh.

Love you Butler,
Love you Kath,
I just want to hear you laugh.

Love you Butler,
Love you chum,
You are such a great big scum.

And there you have the fruits of my first real crush.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Nice and Simple

So here's the thing. I'm not a big or deep thinker. My life is pretty quiet, simple. I'm very easy going. I do get caught up in things sometimes that are difficult for me, and require some deep soul searching. But for the most part, things just kind of roll off my back.

I'm feeling pretty darn content at the moment. Which is a great feeling since the past 9 months or so have been pretty difficult here and there. It's been one of those times when I deal with something that steals my peace away for a while, until I get it figured out. It took some heart and mind shifts. Some expectation shifts. And a few attitude adjustments. All of those things were necessary for me. They have helped me be a more stable, grounded person. I like that.

My roommate and I were visiting with one of her friends the other day. The friend was asking my roomie how things were going with her and a recent breakup with a girlfriend. During this chat my roomie made some comment about me, which prompted the friend to ask me about my experiences, my journey with this whole thing (the roommate/girlfriend thing). As I recounted my story, I was surprised to find myself brought to tears. I was a little embarrassed, but ultimately it was very healing, very cleansing to finally just let it all out from start to finish and recognize the changes and learning I had made. It helped me reaffirm the grounding I had found once again. And firmly established my level of contentedness at the moment.

As with most trials and difficult situations I find myself in, this was another opportunity to look inside, dig deep, root out some garbage, and take a fresh look at life. Even though those things are hard to do, I love the end results they bring. I love the peace and easiness I experience after going through hard times and emerging out the other side with a fresh look.

And now, once again, I can enjoy my easy, good nature.