I generally take some time each night to read from the Scriptures, but because I'm a dork, I didn't have them with me last night. So I picked up the December 2011 Ensign and read the first article by Henry B. Eyring - "The Choice to Be Grateful", and I was grateful for the way it touched me.
Following the main article, there was a section for youth entitled "Take A Gratitude Challenge" encouraging us to make a list of 100 things you are grateful for. To make it easier, there are 10 categories. I liked the idea. So I'm doing it here. This might be long, who knows. Of course you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
10 physical abilities you are grateful for:
1. I can walk
2. I can see
3. I can hear
4. I can taste
5. My lungs work
6. My heart works
7. I have use of all my limbs
8. I have a healthy body
9. I can ride a bike
10. I can play the guitar
10 material possessions you are grateful for:
1. My home
2. My car
3. My bike
4. My guitar
5. Clothes
6. Food
7. Indoor plumbing
8. A water heater
9. A heater/AC
10. Computer
10 living people you are grateful for (I have to combine these or this list will get really long)
1. My Savior
2. Mom and Dad
3. Grandma W.
4.Older Brother/Wife and their kids
5. Sister/Husband and their kids
6. Younger Brother and his kids
7. Roommate and her kids - who have become my family
8. President Monson and his counselors
9. My wonderful friend who teaches me guitar
10. R, M, S, O - all great camp friends
10 deceased people you are grateful for:
1. Grandma R
2. Grandpa R.
3. Grandpa W.
4. Ancestors who I feel I've come to know - so many of them
5. Joseph Smith
6. President Hinckly and Sis. Hinckly
7. Nephi
8. Mormon
9. Captain Moroni
10. John the Baptist
10 things about nature you are grateful for: (Just 10? - lol)
1. Sunrises
2. Sunsets
3. Majestic mountains
4. Rustling leaves
5. Berry bushes
6. The smell of rain
7. Clouds
8. Rich soil
9. Singing birds
10. Thunder storms
10 things about today you are grateful for:
1. The sun is shining
2. The temperature is mild
3. I am working
4. I've chatted with my roomie
5. I feel grateful for life
6. I've eaten breakfast
7. I am healthy
8. Doctors who are wise and cautious
9. My family are all alive and well
10. I just chatted with my mommy
10 places on earth you are grateful for:
1. My home (both at home and at work)
2. This beautiful park in which I work
3. Temple Square - and any Temple grounds
4. Machu picchu (I'm going there someday)
5. Beautiful, rugged mountains - anywhere
6. Alaska (I'm going there someday, too)
7. Redwood forest (I'm going there someday, too)
8. The homes of my family members
9. The Sacred Grove
10. My back porch - where I can sit and watch the sunset
10 modern inventions you are grateful for:
1. Computer
2. Cell phones
3. Electricity
4. Indoor plumbing
5. Heaters and Air Conditioners
6. Automobiles
7. Air planes
8. The internet
9. Television
10. Cameras
10 foods you are grateful for: (again only 10?)
1. Oatmeal
2. Granola Bars
3. Potatoes
4. Pasta
5. Ice Cream
6. Brownies
7. Scrumptious salads and all the veggies that go with that
8. Chicken
9. Panda Express
10. Bread
10 things about the gospel you are grateful for:
1. It's restoration
2. The Atonement
3. Living Prophets and Apostles
4. The Priesthood
5. Modern Revelation
6. My Testimony of the Plan of Salvation
7. Temples
8. My calling
9. Programs of the LDS church that allow me to grow and learn
10. Scriptures
Well now, that was fun.
And now I'm going on a hike for work. And I'm grateful for a job that allows me to do that.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Stress
Stress apparently seems to cause my emotional resolve and steadiness to waver and crack.
I'm feeling less sure of myself. Less sure of my ability to cope successfully with anything that involves more than thinking about what to have for lunch. Things that really shouldn't get to me, are getting to me.
I really don't like that. Because it has an affect on other people as well.
I'm tired. So very tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.
I'm feeling less sure of myself. Less sure of my ability to cope successfully with anything that involves more than thinking about what to have for lunch. Things that really shouldn't get to me, are getting to me.
I really don't like that. Because it has an affect on other people as well.
I'm tired. So very tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Good Things
About this same time last year, I was trying really hard to find peace and understanding in a very difficult change of events that involved my roommate and her new girlfriend. I remember at one very difficult point for me I thought something to the effect of "If for some reason things don't work out between these two, and my roommate then finds another girlfriend, I don't think I can do this again. This is too hard and painful and I will have to leave one way or another."
So it's interesting as I sit here now, my roommate and her gf did not work out. And now my roommate has a new interest. But for what ever reason, this time things are not painful to me like they were before. I'm not sure why. Maybe most of the hard learning and acceptance of change is past. But maybe it's simply a matter of who this new interest is. She's a really nice person and willing to accept me in the life of my roommate. Willing to be friends. But what ever the reason, I feel more secure and more okay than I did this time last year. And that's a good thing.
So it's interesting as I sit here now, my roommate and her gf did not work out. And now my roommate has a new interest. But for what ever reason, this time things are not painful to me like they were before. I'm not sure why. Maybe most of the hard learning and acceptance of change is past. But maybe it's simply a matter of who this new interest is. She's a really nice person and willing to accept me in the life of my roommate. Willing to be friends. But what ever the reason, I feel more secure and more okay than I did this time last year. And that's a good thing.
Monday, November 7, 2011
And on
It's been a while.
In general I haven't spent much time on the computer lately. My new job keeps me pretty busy, and I don't have internet at my "Island House" - my home at work. Not yet anyway. So I've kind of let all my computer endeavors fall by the wayside for a while.
But over the past month I've had the chance to experience something that is rather new and unexpected for me. I began dating a guy. And it wasn't even uncomfortable. On the contrary. Despite my initial reluctance of going to dinner the first time, I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to be totally relaxed and myself throughout the evening. And I didn't even hate it. On pretty much every other "first date", I have found myself just counting down the minutes until the evening ends, and then having no desire to set up date number 2. So to have an enjoyable evening, and zero reluctance to set up date number 2 was a very new and unexpected experience.
It wasn't that I was physically or even really emotionally attracted to this guy, but I was very comfortable with him. So that was enough to convince me to see if this could actually go anywhere.
We continued to date. And every time, had a great time. Always comfortable. Always easy. After about the third or forth time together, I did feel like he needed to know why I had never married. Why I was generally uncomfortable around guys. He needed to know this because 1) I wasn't developing any additional feelings for him, but it seemed he was really starting to like me a whole lot and 2) I needed him to know exactly where I was coming from because I respected him too much to lead him on with false, or unsure expectations. I didn't know if I would ever develop feelings for him beyond friendship. And he needed to know that.
The news broke his heart, and that, surprisingly (again) to me, made me feel very sad for him. So we talked very openly about it. He realized that he would probably never be able to be for me what I needed. I acknowledged that that might be true, but I was willing to try, if he was. Just go with the flow and see where it takes us.
So we did.
We continued to spend time together, have fun together, work on moving and painting projects together. I was hopeful things might just be different. Things might just work out. However, despite the initial miracle of being totally comfortable with him, no other feelings came about. On the contrary, they actually began shifting back to what I'm used to have happening with guys. A reluctance to make the effort to spend time with them. Despite the goodness of this individual, despite the ease with which I could talk with him, the drive that keeps those feelings moving and growing is just not within me. And so the ease to do things with him faded.
I guess I am too much of a coward to do this in person, so I sent him a text and told him where I was, and what I was feeling. After exchanging a few meaningful, but difficult texts, we ultimately said good-bye to one another. I was surprised by how it made me feel. There was a definite loss there. There was also a bit of anger and frustration wondering why things couldn't have been different with me. Why couldn't it have continued to be easy to make the effort to be with him? And then of course the answer comes very simply. I am attracted to and drawn emotionally and physically to women. And despite my best efforts, and my willingness to try to experience other things, I can't force those attractions to shift. Apparently, even trying to just let them emerge naturally with a really easy going and nice guy doesn't work either.
Later that day, after saying good-bye, I looked inside to see what I was feeling and experiencing, and all seemed right again in the world. I was sad that things had to end, but the angst I had begun to feel about spending time with this great guy was gone. I had done the right thing.
And so on I go.
In general I haven't spent much time on the computer lately. My new job keeps me pretty busy, and I don't have internet at my "Island House" - my home at work. Not yet anyway. So I've kind of let all my computer endeavors fall by the wayside for a while.
But over the past month I've had the chance to experience something that is rather new and unexpected for me. I began dating a guy. And it wasn't even uncomfortable. On the contrary. Despite my initial reluctance of going to dinner the first time, I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to be totally relaxed and myself throughout the evening. And I didn't even hate it. On pretty much every other "first date", I have found myself just counting down the minutes until the evening ends, and then having no desire to set up date number 2. So to have an enjoyable evening, and zero reluctance to set up date number 2 was a very new and unexpected experience.
It wasn't that I was physically or even really emotionally attracted to this guy, but I was very comfortable with him. So that was enough to convince me to see if this could actually go anywhere.
We continued to date. And every time, had a great time. Always comfortable. Always easy. After about the third or forth time together, I did feel like he needed to know why I had never married. Why I was generally uncomfortable around guys. He needed to know this because 1) I wasn't developing any additional feelings for him, but it seemed he was really starting to like me a whole lot and 2) I needed him to know exactly where I was coming from because I respected him too much to lead him on with false, or unsure expectations. I didn't know if I would ever develop feelings for him beyond friendship. And he needed to know that.
The news broke his heart, and that, surprisingly (again) to me, made me feel very sad for him. So we talked very openly about it. He realized that he would probably never be able to be for me what I needed. I acknowledged that that might be true, but I was willing to try, if he was. Just go with the flow and see where it takes us.
So we did.
We continued to spend time together, have fun together, work on moving and painting projects together. I was hopeful things might just be different. Things might just work out. However, despite the initial miracle of being totally comfortable with him, no other feelings came about. On the contrary, they actually began shifting back to what I'm used to have happening with guys. A reluctance to make the effort to spend time with them. Despite the goodness of this individual, despite the ease with which I could talk with him, the drive that keeps those feelings moving and growing is just not within me. And so the ease to do things with him faded.
I guess I am too much of a coward to do this in person, so I sent him a text and told him where I was, and what I was feeling. After exchanging a few meaningful, but difficult texts, we ultimately said good-bye to one another. I was surprised by how it made me feel. There was a definite loss there. There was also a bit of anger and frustration wondering why things couldn't have been different with me. Why couldn't it have continued to be easy to make the effort to be with him? And then of course the answer comes very simply. I am attracted to and drawn emotionally and physically to women. And despite my best efforts, and my willingness to try to experience other things, I can't force those attractions to shift. Apparently, even trying to just let them emerge naturally with a really easy going and nice guy doesn't work either.
Later that day, after saying good-bye, I looked inside to see what I was feeling and experiencing, and all seemed right again in the world. I was sad that things had to end, but the angst I had begun to feel about spending time with this great guy was gone. I had done the right thing.
And so on I go.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
General Conference
I wasn't able to watch Saturday's sessions (though I did hear part of Saturday afternoon), but here are some of the messages I received today. Some general, some personal:
- "It's better to look up."
- I want to deepen my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior
- God's laws and standards are in place, despite the world's shifting ideas and values.
- Synchronize my life with Christ's.
- I must not only say my prayers, but live them.
- Learn to hear and understand, and then follow the language of the spirit.
- Maintain a spirit of gratitude in life, for we receive many more blessings than we realize from day to day.
- Maintain and develop a spirit of faith and optimism in life.
- Heavenly Father is mindful of the challenges we all face in this world.
- The gospel provides meaning, purpose, hope and answers the questions of life.
- Show increased kindness to one another.
- Pray for the Prophet and those who serve as General Authorities. We are one as we move forward in this work.
I love conference and the renewed strength and understanding I receive as I open my heart and mind to being taught by the Spirit. There is hope there. There is love there. There is truth there. Not everyone may see it or believe it. But it is there.
God lives. Jesus Christ is my Savior. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church restored upon the earth. The Priesthood is real. The covenants I have made are eternal and powerful. We do have a living Prophet on the earth today. The thoughts and ideas I mentioned above are some of what I heard the Spirit teach through the Lord's anointed servants.
- "It's better to look up."
- I want to deepen my relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior
- God's laws and standards are in place, despite the world's shifting ideas and values.
- Synchronize my life with Christ's.
- I must not only say my prayers, but live them.
- Learn to hear and understand, and then follow the language of the spirit.
- Maintain a spirit of gratitude in life, for we receive many more blessings than we realize from day to day.
- Maintain and develop a spirit of faith and optimism in life.
- Heavenly Father is mindful of the challenges we all face in this world.
- The gospel provides meaning, purpose, hope and answers the questions of life.
- Show increased kindness to one another.
- Pray for the Prophet and those who serve as General Authorities. We are one as we move forward in this work.
I love conference and the renewed strength and understanding I receive as I open my heart and mind to being taught by the Spirit. There is hope there. There is love there. There is truth there. Not everyone may see it or believe it. But it is there.
God lives. Jesus Christ is my Savior. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's church restored upon the earth. The Priesthood is real. The covenants I have made are eternal and powerful. We do have a living Prophet on the earth today. The thoughts and ideas I mentioned above are some of what I heard the Spirit teach through the Lord's anointed servants.
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Love of God
While reading the Book of Mormon last night, in Mosiah chapter 4, these verses stuck out to me. I've read them many times, and have always liked them.
11 And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God ... and his goodness and long-suffering towards you ...and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come.
13 And ye will not have a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably ...
I love what these verses say. The importance of remembering God's goodness and greatness and patience with me, however unworthy I may be. The importance of remaining humble and teachable, and not assuming I know more or know better than He does. Trusting in Him and calling on Him daily. Maintaining my faith in that which is to come.
If I do those things, there are powerful promises and blessings. I will be filled with the love of God, which is powerful and filling and healing and strengthening. I will grow in understanding and the knowledge of the glory of God, and in all that is just and true. I will retain a remission of my sins through the Atonement of Christ.
And then the last verse - how wonderful would it be if none had a mind to injure one another, but to live peaceably. That is the promise to those who truly know God and know themselves and recognize the worth and value of those around them.
I have put these verses to the test in times past; indeed this is the way I try to live my life. And I can testify that these promises are true. When I trust in God, and search Him out, and do my best to live in peace and love with others, when I remember the Lord and seek His will in my life, I am filled with such great and all encompassing love. There is nothing in this world that compares. That's why I continue to follow Him. To be strengthened and upheld and taught by His spirit.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Cuddle Buddy
Sometimes I just want one. A shoulder to lay on, a hand to hold. There is a hand I have been addicted to holding for the past 7 years, but I haven't had the chance to hold it very often lately. So I miss it.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Feeling Homesick
I often feel Homesick, with a capital H. Sometimes I even ask my Father to please let me come Home now. I'm ready. It's not that I'm unhappy here. Not at all. I just know there is so much more waiting for me, and I'm ready to move on. Just like I was happy working at Wasatch Mountain State Park, but was ready to move on. And when I did, I found it was the perfect thing for me. I love where I'm working now. I love who I'm working with, and the opportunities that are there for me.
It feels like that with wanting to go Home. I am happy here. I like the people in my life. But I'm ready to move On.
I was thinking this again today in sacrament meeting. Not sure what brought it up. The thoughts and feelings just come now and then. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed or tired. Sometimes they just come. My Heavenly Home is just as real to me as this one and my spirit just longs to return.
So today in sacrament meeting, I wondered a bit why I can't go back. I had all kinds of thoughts about learning and growing, all of which I could continue to do there. Then the thought came to me that this life experience isn't just about me getting a body and learning and growing. It's about other people. Helping them to travel the road more easily. Helping them to gain a testimony and understanding of the Lord's Plan for them. Helping to build the Kingdom of God. And that's why I'm still here. I still have a lot to in that regard. I need to help others along the way.
And just now I realized that part of this mortal experience is learning to be more like the Savior who spent His entire life serving and helping others. I still have a long way to go before I can say I truly follow the Savior's example. I have many selfish tendencies that I need to learn to let go of before I could truly return home with honor.
So for me, the concept of enduring to the end is less about overcoming trials and such, it's having to wait to go Home. And while I'm waiting, I have a lot to do, and many things to learn.
It feels like that with wanting to go Home. I am happy here. I like the people in my life. But I'm ready to move On.
I was thinking this again today in sacrament meeting. Not sure what brought it up. The thoughts and feelings just come now and then. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed or tired. Sometimes they just come. My Heavenly Home is just as real to me as this one and my spirit just longs to return.
So today in sacrament meeting, I wondered a bit why I can't go back. I had all kinds of thoughts about learning and growing, all of which I could continue to do there. Then the thought came to me that this life experience isn't just about me getting a body and learning and growing. It's about other people. Helping them to travel the road more easily. Helping them to gain a testimony and understanding of the Lord's Plan for them. Helping to build the Kingdom of God. And that's why I'm still here. I still have a lot to in that regard. I need to help others along the way.
And just now I realized that part of this mortal experience is learning to be more like the Savior who spent His entire life serving and helping others. I still have a long way to go before I can say I truly follow the Savior's example. I have many selfish tendencies that I need to learn to let go of before I could truly return home with honor.
So for me, the concept of enduring to the end is less about overcoming trials and such, it's having to wait to go Home. And while I'm waiting, I have a lot to do, and many things to learn.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
These are a few of my favorite things
In no particular order...
Sunsets
Road Biking
Camping/Campfires
Wildflowers
Playing Guitar
Hiking/Vistas
Mountains
Wonderful Smelling Roses
Temples
Monday, August 22, 2011
Focus
I haven't given this a lot of thought yet, but here's what's just beginning to surface.
Where I place my focus plays such a huge role in how I feel from day to day. Lately, my focus has been on what I feel I lack, what I feel I will never have or be able to give, what I feel I'm not good at, where I struggle, where I fall short - I'm not social enough, I'm not clever enough, I'm not smart enough to have people really like me and want to spend time with me. So how do you think I've been feeling this last little while? A bit sorry for myself.
I'm not sure why I let myself go there. And then once I'm there, it's really hard to pull myself out of it on my own. The way I've found lately of being able to pull myself out is to take the time to vent about it to someone. To share my insecurities. Maybe to cry. That gets it out of my head and into the open where I can look more clearly at it. As I'm able to do that, I realize where I am and why I'm there, and can make the decision to change that focus.
So my efforts at changing my attitude include focusing on what I can do, what I do have, what I can offer. Seeing myself more clearly as my Heavenly Father does. Remembering that I am a pretty great person. I may not be as outgoing or clever or intellectual as some, but I do have something to offer. I am fun. I am kind. I love the Lord more than anything. I have good friends who all I have to do is reach out to them to be seen and understood.
There's a famous quote from Helen Keller that pretty much sums up what this post is about today:
Where I place my focus plays such a huge role in how I feel from day to day. Lately, my focus has been on what I feel I lack, what I feel I will never have or be able to give, what I feel I'm not good at, where I struggle, where I fall short - I'm not social enough, I'm not clever enough, I'm not smart enough to have people really like me and want to spend time with me. So how do you think I've been feeling this last little while? A bit sorry for myself.
I'm not sure why I let myself go there. And then once I'm there, it's really hard to pull myself out of it on my own. The way I've found lately of being able to pull myself out is to take the time to vent about it to someone. To share my insecurities. Maybe to cry. That gets it out of my head and into the open where I can look more clearly at it. As I'm able to do that, I realize where I am and why I'm there, and can make the decision to change that focus.
So my efforts at changing my attitude include focusing on what I can do, what I do have, what I can offer. Seeing myself more clearly as my Heavenly Father does. Remembering that I am a pretty great person. I may not be as outgoing or clever or intellectual as some, but I do have something to offer. I am fun. I am kind. I love the Lord more than anything. I have good friends who all I have to do is reach out to them to be seen and understood.
There's a famous quote from Helen Keller that pretty much sums up what this post is about today:
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow."
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Moving to the Island
I've started my new job out at "The Island". I am currently in the process of moving into one of the houses out there to save on commute time and gas money.
It's a bitter-sweet move.
Bitter because this is my home. My family is right here in this house. I love them and will miss them terribly when I'm gone. Worried that maybe absence actually makes the heart grow forgetful rather than fonder. Especially when the person you are afraid might grow forgetful has someone else to turn to and loves to be with. I worry that the love of having me around and in her life will grow dim.
Sweet because it will save a couple hundred dollars a month on gas. It will save on wear and tear with the car. It will shorten my commute from 60 minutes to 2, which will be awesome. It will be really cool to live out on the Island with all that wildlife and incredible sunrises and sunsets. It will be sweet to be able to hop on my bike and bike around without having to worry about traffic.
When I'm all settled in, you are all welcome to come take an island vacation, and stay in my 5 bedroom Island House. The views are incredible.
It's a bitter-sweet move.
Bitter because this is my home. My family is right here in this house. I love them and will miss them terribly when I'm gone. Worried that maybe absence actually makes the heart grow forgetful rather than fonder. Especially when the person you are afraid might grow forgetful has someone else to turn to and loves to be with. I worry that the love of having me around and in her life will grow dim.
Sweet because it will save a couple hundred dollars a month on gas. It will save on wear and tear with the car. It will shorten my commute from 60 minutes to 2, which will be awesome. It will be really cool to live out on the Island with all that wildlife and incredible sunrises and sunsets. It will be sweet to be able to hop on my bike and bike around without having to worry about traffic.
When I'm all settled in, you are all welcome to come take an island vacation, and stay in my 5 bedroom Island House. The views are incredible.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Caring for The One
I considered putting this little experience on my nature blog, but as I thought about what happened and the title of this post, I thought it would fit better here.
On my way to work one morning I watched a small flock of White-faced Ibis flying over the lake.
As I watched, I noticed one ibis behind the main flock, flapping with all its might to catch up with the rest. I felt sorry for that bird. It's harder for a solitary bird to fly as fast as a flock, because with a flock, the lead birds provide a draft for the birds behind, making it easier for them to fly. This way, the entire flock can fly faster and more efficiently.
As I watched that lone bird struggling to catch up, three other birds broke off the main flock and fell back enough to allow the lone bird to catch them.
With the support of the other ibis, the lone bird had the added strength and support to catch up with the main flock.
It made my whole day watching that.
On my way to work one morning I watched a small flock of White-faced Ibis flying over the lake.
As I watched, I noticed one ibis behind the main flock, flapping with all its might to catch up with the rest. I felt sorry for that bird. It's harder for a solitary bird to fly as fast as a flock, because with a flock, the lead birds provide a draft for the birds behind, making it easier for them to fly. This way, the entire flock can fly faster and more efficiently.
As I watched that lone bird struggling to catch up, three other birds broke off the main flock and fell back enough to allow the lone bird to catch them.
With the support of the other ibis, the lone bird had the added strength and support to catch up with the main flock.
It made my whole day watching that.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Lessons in Wyoming
I have had an amazing week. For our Stake Youth Conference this year we had the opportunity to go on Trek to Martin's Cove in Wyoming. Martin's Cove is the location where the Martin Handcart Company, in 1856, took refuge from a heavy winter blizzard. Many people died in this place due to starvation, exposure, fatigue and the fact that the company had just crossed the Sweet Water River which had 4 inches of ice on it.
Our Stake youth and several leaders, myself included, spent three days in this area, pulling our handcarts and hearing stories of what these people experienced. The Spirit touched me deeply during our time in the actual cove where the company camped and where many were buried. We sang several songs while there, and at one point our Stake President encouraged us to sing loud and with conviction, and that if we did, the Spirit would touch our hearts with a witness of truth. I took that promise to heart, and sang the first line with full voice, but immediately was overcome by the Spirit. Tears kept me from singing after that.
After leaving Martin's Cove we had the chance to reenact one of the river crossings. The water was very high, so we couldn't take our carts, but we could walk across. We also had the use of a rope to keep us from being swept down river. As I crossed, I imagined attempting to do this in the winter, with ice encrusted water. Many of those original pioneers also carried others across, and several stayed in the water all day, helping those who could not cross themselves. There were nearly 600 people in Martin's company. This was an all day event for them. It was a humbling experience and again the spirit taught me truths.
The final major event for the day was what is called the Women's Pull. During the original crossing of the handcart companies, many of the men died due to starvation and exhaustion, leaving the women to carry on alone. At other times, their husbands and the men of the company simply were not there for other reasons. For our pull, our Stake Young Women President talked to the YW about being the Hope of Israel and standing for what is good and right. She shared a story of the strength and faith of one of her own ancestors who remained valiant and faithful despite challenges and difficulties in her own life.
As we started out toward the rocky slope we were to climb, the leaders were asked to step aside unless asked by their young women to help push and pull the handcarts. Most of the companies had their leaders help. But those young women in my company did not. So all I could do was walk along side them, encourage them, remind them I was there if they needed me. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done - watching these girls struggle up this hill, getting stopped by the rocks and the incline, and struggling though on their own. I am one who likes to be right in there, pushing, pulling, helping, in the trenches, lifting those around me. As I was anxiously walking along side, waiting for the words "please help", I understood on a level as never before how anxious and willing our Father in Heaven is for us to reach out to Him and ask for His help. I know He is there for us. I know He loves us beyond anything we can understand and when we need His help, he will be there to Help.
I know that is true. It does not matter what we face in life. It does not matter how bitter or challenging our struggles. Our Savior is there for us. He has already atoned for our sins, our mistakes, our weaknesses. Now He just wants us to accept that, and stay close to Him in our trials and in our triumphs.
All we have to do is ask, and He will be there.
Our Stake youth and several leaders, myself included, spent three days in this area, pulling our handcarts and hearing stories of what these people experienced. The Spirit touched me deeply during our time in the actual cove where the company camped and where many were buried. We sang several songs while there, and at one point our Stake President encouraged us to sing loud and with conviction, and that if we did, the Spirit would touch our hearts with a witness of truth. I took that promise to heart, and sang the first line with full voice, but immediately was overcome by the Spirit. Tears kept me from singing after that.
After leaving Martin's Cove we had the chance to reenact one of the river crossings. The water was very high, so we couldn't take our carts, but we could walk across. We also had the use of a rope to keep us from being swept down river. As I crossed, I imagined attempting to do this in the winter, with ice encrusted water. Many of those original pioneers also carried others across, and several stayed in the water all day, helping those who could not cross themselves. There were nearly 600 people in Martin's company. This was an all day event for them. It was a humbling experience and again the spirit taught me truths.
The final major event for the day was what is called the Women's Pull. During the original crossing of the handcart companies, many of the men died due to starvation and exhaustion, leaving the women to carry on alone. At other times, their husbands and the men of the company simply were not there for other reasons. For our pull, our Stake Young Women President talked to the YW about being the Hope of Israel and standing for what is good and right. She shared a story of the strength and faith of one of her own ancestors who remained valiant and faithful despite challenges and difficulties in her own life.
As we started out toward the rocky slope we were to climb, the leaders were asked to step aside unless asked by their young women to help push and pull the handcarts. Most of the companies had their leaders help. But those young women in my company did not. So all I could do was walk along side them, encourage them, remind them I was there if they needed me. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done - watching these girls struggle up this hill, getting stopped by the rocks and the incline, and struggling though on their own. I am one who likes to be right in there, pushing, pulling, helping, in the trenches, lifting those around me. As I was anxiously walking along side, waiting for the words "please help", I understood on a level as never before how anxious and willing our Father in Heaven is for us to reach out to Him and ask for His help. I know He is there for us. I know He loves us beyond anything we can understand and when we need His help, he will be there to Help.
I know that is true. It does not matter what we face in life. It does not matter how bitter or challenging our struggles. Our Savior is there for us. He has already atoned for our sins, our mistakes, our weaknesses. Now He just wants us to accept that, and stay close to Him in our trials and in our triumphs.
All we have to do is ask, and He will be there.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Dinner
For dinner tonight we had pork roast, butternut squash, salad and brownies for dessert. And we shared that dinner with my roommate's girlfriend. I never thought that would ever happen (I also never expected to call anyone else my roommate's girlfriend - but there it is). It actually turned out to be (in my opinion) a fairly enjoyable evening.
She was pretty nervous when she first arrived. But my charming and adorable personality soon put her at ease :) (totally making that up). But she did relax after a bit. And even played some games with us.
That's all. Just wanted to share.
She was pretty nervous when she first arrived. But my charming and adorable personality soon put her at ease :) (totally making that up). But she did relax after a bit. And even played some games with us.
That's all. Just wanted to share.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
My Gut
It is so my bed time. But I've had an interesting day that started out more or less with an unknown nervousness settling into my gut and causing some, shall we say, intestinal objections.
This deep, nervous feeling settled in once before. It was about 10 years ago when I first realized, or acknowledged, that I was same-sex attracted and I was off to a conference for LDS (and other) folks who were also gay/SSA but trying to overcome it. I had my mom with me. I had just spilled the beans to her not long before. This was all so new to me. So scary. So uncertain. My whole life I thought I was probably the only person in the entire world to have these feelings but not want to act on them. How weird to be going to a conference with hundreds of other people who more or less felt the same way.
This was huge for me. Everything was still so new. And I was deeply nervous to be going. It felt like a huge "outing" to me. After trying to make these feelings go away for so long, and then hiding them for so long, to suddenly be going to a place where I would be totally exposed was absolutely terrifying to me. And so my gut and bowels reacted.
Kind of like they did this morning...and still kind of are as I type this.
I am starting a new job tomorrow. Well, essentially the same job just in a new location. So initially I figured it was just about that. But the more I looked at it, considered it, weighed it, I found that I'm not really that nervous to be starting this new venture. So there must be something else causing this nervous, unsettled feeling.
I don't know that I've totally figured it out, but it feels like it has to do with my last post, and a need/desire to share more with more people. How, who and in what setting I'm not sure. But when I think about this idea, my gut-ache kind of subsides. There is a change of some kind coming - not sure exactly what or how, but it makes me nervous.
This deep, nervous feeling settled in once before. It was about 10 years ago when I first realized, or acknowledged, that I was same-sex attracted and I was off to a conference for LDS (and other) folks who were also gay/SSA but trying to overcome it. I had my mom with me. I had just spilled the beans to her not long before. This was all so new to me. So scary. So uncertain. My whole life I thought I was probably the only person in the entire world to have these feelings but not want to act on them. How weird to be going to a conference with hundreds of other people who more or less felt the same way.
This was huge for me. Everything was still so new. And I was deeply nervous to be going. It felt like a huge "outing" to me. After trying to make these feelings go away for so long, and then hiding them for so long, to suddenly be going to a place where I would be totally exposed was absolutely terrifying to me. And so my gut and bowels reacted.
Kind of like they did this morning...and still kind of are as I type this.
I am starting a new job tomorrow. Well, essentially the same job just in a new location. So initially I figured it was just about that. But the more I looked at it, considered it, weighed it, I found that I'm not really that nervous to be starting this new venture. So there must be something else causing this nervous, unsettled feeling.
I don't know that I've totally figured it out, but it feels like it has to do with my last post, and a need/desire to share more with more people. How, who and in what setting I'm not sure. But when I think about this idea, my gut-ache kind of subsides. There is a change of some kind coming - not sure exactly what or how, but it makes me nervous.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Living Consciously
So being LDS and being gay sometimes presents some interesting personal moments - especially not being totally "out" to everyone.
I am not in denial about my sexuality. I am a woman attracted to women. I am not confused about what I want in my life. I am a very religious person. I always have been. That part of my life defines me more than my sexuality does.
But these two things don't always seem to mesh in the minds of other people. Well, I have to assume that. I guess personally I haven't had anyone criticize or question me about anything, but I can just imagine the thoughts going through some people's minds, especially friends I've had growing up who know my personality; those who probably knew before I did that I was gay. They see me. They see who I live with. They see who I spend my family vacations and holidays with. And then they see that I am still LDS and heavily involved with my church and calling as Young Women President. And I have no doubt that more than one has thought, "Wow, she is still in so much denial."
So how do I settle this for myself? I feel like I want to be known - at least in some circles. I have always wondered (and sometimes worried) what people think of me. What they think about me. I guess part of me doesn't mind too much that someone might assume things incorrectly about me - assume I'm in denial. But at the same time, I'd like them know I'm not an idiot about myself. And that I am living my life consciously and purposefully.
Beyond that thought I'm not sure where to take this. I don't think it's necessary at this time in my life to live totally "out", and I have specific reasons for that. But at the same time, there are reasons for me to want to be more open about myself and how and why I live my life the way I do. But I need to be careful about that. If it's just a pride thing, so people will know I'm not an idiot and in denial, then that might not be the best reason to open up more.
Things to think about.
I am not in denial about my sexuality. I am a woman attracted to women. I am not confused about what I want in my life. I am a very religious person. I always have been. That part of my life defines me more than my sexuality does.
But these two things don't always seem to mesh in the minds of other people. Well, I have to assume that. I guess personally I haven't had anyone criticize or question me about anything, but I can just imagine the thoughts going through some people's minds, especially friends I've had growing up who know my personality; those who probably knew before I did that I was gay. They see me. They see who I live with. They see who I spend my family vacations and holidays with. And then they see that I am still LDS and heavily involved with my church and calling as Young Women President. And I have no doubt that more than one has thought, "Wow, she is still in so much denial."
So how do I settle this for myself? I feel like I want to be known - at least in some circles. I have always wondered (and sometimes worried) what people think of me. What they think about me. I guess part of me doesn't mind too much that someone might assume things incorrectly about me - assume I'm in denial. But at the same time, I'd like them know I'm not an idiot about myself. And that I am living my life consciously and purposefully.
Beyond that thought I'm not sure where to take this. I don't think it's necessary at this time in my life to live totally "out", and I have specific reasons for that. But at the same time, there are reasons for me to want to be more open about myself and how and why I live my life the way I do. But I need to be careful about that. If it's just a pride thing, so people will know I'm not an idiot and in denial, then that might not be the best reason to open up more.
Things to think about.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Young Love
The other day I was challenged to think back to my first crush. I had two prior to High School, but there wasn't anything significant about them other than me gawking and thinking they were the coolest thing and trying to find reasons to be closer to them. I never really spoke to either of them - just admired from a distance. So those are kind of boring crushes.
My first truly memorable crush I had at age 14-15 when I was just a cute little Freshman in High School. Well, cute is maybe stretching it, and I was generally taller than other girls my age. But I was a Freshman. :)
And my crush was my PE teacher, Kathy Butler. Of course at that age, I had no idea I was so totally crushing on her. I didn't realize that until years later as I read through my journal and found some resounding evidence of a girl totally smitten by someone. I just really liked her. She was funny, kind, supportive, fun to be around. She laughed easily and often. She was cute, too. But that aspect didn't consciously register with me, though I recognized it and felt my draw to her increase because of it.
At the end of my Freshman year, I wrote a couple of poems for her. And according to my journal I did indeed give them to her. I'm grateful that I kept a journal, because I had forgotten all about these. But luckily for you, I wrote them down.
Many long and
Sunny days I've spent with you -
Bringing forth many new challenges, never
Unwilling
To give some support. Your
Loving kindness and joy
Ever
Ringing in my heart
=
Learning new skills - having more fun -
Opening new doors - making new friends
Very well
Explains the influence you have over me.
And if that wasn't awesome enough, here's this one:
Beauty and joy, never
Unwanted by one - for
The kindness and
Love that you show
Every day of your life
Rings in my heart, and I will never let it go.
But wait, there's more:
Butterflies glistening in the light
Untouched by the years of existance -
Tomorrow is another day - but my
Love for you will never be
Erased - for once you love a butterfly, that love
Remains forever.
And then to show that my poetic skills are not simply limited to the mushy, I wrote this for her:
And there you have the fruits of my first real crush.
My first truly memorable crush I had at age 14-15 when I was just a cute little Freshman in High School. Well, cute is maybe stretching it, and I was generally taller than other girls my age. But I was a Freshman. :)
And my crush was my PE teacher, Kathy Butler. Of course at that age, I had no idea I was so totally crushing on her. I didn't realize that until years later as I read through my journal and found some resounding evidence of a girl totally smitten by someone. I just really liked her. She was funny, kind, supportive, fun to be around. She laughed easily and often. She was cute, too. But that aspect didn't consciously register with me, though I recognized it and felt my draw to her increase because of it.
At the end of my Freshman year, I wrote a couple of poems for her. And according to my journal I did indeed give them to her. I'm grateful that I kept a journal, because I had forgotten all about these. But luckily for you, I wrote them down.
Many long and
Sunny days I've spent with you -
Bringing forth many new challenges, never
Unwilling
To give some support. Your
Loving kindness and joy
Ever
Ringing in my heart
=
Learning new skills - having more fun -
Opening new doors - making new friends
Very well
Explains the influence you have over me.
And if that wasn't awesome enough, here's this one:
Beauty and joy, never
Unwanted by one - for
The kindness and
Love that you show
Every day of your life
Rings in my heart, and I will never let it go.
But wait, there's more:
Butterflies glistening in the light
Untouched by the years of existance -
Tomorrow is another day - but my
Love for you will never be
Erased - for once you love a butterfly, that love
Remains forever.
And then to show that my poetic skills are not simply limited to the mushy, I wrote this for her:
Love you Butler,
Love you chum,
You are such a great big scum.
I'm just kidding
You know Kath
I just want to hear you laugh.
Love you Butler,
Love you Kath,
I just want to hear you laugh.
Love you Butler,
Love you chum,
You are such a great big scum.
And there you have the fruits of my first real crush.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Nice and Simple
So here's the thing. I'm not a big or deep thinker. My life is pretty quiet, simple. I'm very easy going. I do get caught up in things sometimes that are difficult for me, and require some deep soul searching. But for the most part, things just kind of roll off my back.
I'm feeling pretty darn content at the moment. Which is a great feeling since the past 9 months or so have been pretty difficult here and there. It's been one of those times when I deal with something that steals my peace away for a while, until I get it figured out. It took some heart and mind shifts. Some expectation shifts. And a few attitude adjustments. All of those things were necessary for me. They have helped me be a more stable, grounded person. I like that.
My roommate and I were visiting with one of her friends the other day. The friend was asking my roomie how things were going with her and a recent breakup with a girlfriend. During this chat my roomie made some comment about me, which prompted the friend to ask me about my experiences, my journey with this whole thing (the roommate/girlfriend thing). As I recounted my story, I was surprised to find myself brought to tears. I was a little embarrassed, but ultimately it was very healing, very cleansing to finally just let it all out from start to finish and recognize the changes and learning I had made. It helped me reaffirm the grounding I had found once again. And firmly established my level of contentedness at the moment.
As with most trials and difficult situations I find myself in, this was another opportunity to look inside, dig deep, root out some garbage, and take a fresh look at life. Even though those things are hard to do, I love the end results they bring. I love the peace and easiness I experience after going through hard times and emerging out the other side with a fresh look.
And now, once again, I can enjoy my easy, good nature.
I'm feeling pretty darn content at the moment. Which is a great feeling since the past 9 months or so have been pretty difficult here and there. It's been one of those times when I deal with something that steals my peace away for a while, until I get it figured out. It took some heart and mind shifts. Some expectation shifts. And a few attitude adjustments. All of those things were necessary for me. They have helped me be a more stable, grounded person. I like that.
My roommate and I were visiting with one of her friends the other day. The friend was asking my roomie how things were going with her and a recent breakup with a girlfriend. During this chat my roomie made some comment about me, which prompted the friend to ask me about my experiences, my journey with this whole thing (the roommate/girlfriend thing). As I recounted my story, I was surprised to find myself brought to tears. I was a little embarrassed, but ultimately it was very healing, very cleansing to finally just let it all out from start to finish and recognize the changes and learning I had made. It helped me reaffirm the grounding I had found once again. And firmly established my level of contentedness at the moment.
As with most trials and difficult situations I find myself in, this was another opportunity to look inside, dig deep, root out some garbage, and take a fresh look at life. Even though those things are hard to do, I love the end results they bring. I love the peace and easiness I experience after going through hard times and emerging out the other side with a fresh look.
And now, once again, I can enjoy my easy, good nature.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Accepting, Learning, Living
Accepting:
I've gone from complete denial about my attractions, to mostly in denial but still hiding from them, to accepting that they are there, but being bound and determined to make them go away or turn into something more "normal", to accepting that they are indeed a part of who I am and a part of my experience in life.
Learning:
For the rest of my life I get to learn. I get to learn about things. I get to learn about people. I get to learn about myself and how I function, how I handle things, how I act or react to different situations. I get to learn how to manage my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I get to learn how to communicate better. I get to learn what my triggers are and how to avoid them, or even better, how to deal with them effectively.
There are so many things to learn, and the best way to do that is to live.
Living:
My attractions are indeed a part of me, and they aren't going away. But I am not about to pull inside of myself and stop living. I am not about to hide from people out of fear that I might find myself crushing on someone, or being totally smitten by someone. How can I ever truly learn to manage my feelings in an acceptable way to myself if I close myself off to connecting with people? I need people. And I really enjoy connecting with them. I'm not saying I'm good at connecting, but when I can, I enjoy it. But if I worried that I might fall for someone if I let myself get too close, then I would likely end up living a very isolated life and learning very little about myself. That doesn't sound fun to me at all.
There are places and situations that are best left alone - but not necessarily because of this SSA stuff. More so because of the potential loss of the Spirit that might occur. Otherwise, I believe that hiding only delays learning and growth. Sure, I might find myself in a situation that is emotionally and/or mentally taxing, but by facing that, and doing so honestly and diligently, I can learn and grow and become a better person overall.
When I was going through therapy I had to deal with and face many challenging, painful and emotionally taxing and draining things. I could have avoided going to those places, because it was hard. But then where would I be? Still stuck where I was. Rather, I adopted an attitude of "Hard is not bad". In other words, it's okay to go through and face hard things. And now I feel like a very much improved version of myself. I grew and gained a lot of personal knowledge and understanding - on levels physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
I wouldn't give that up just to avoid potentially painful or hard situations.
I've gone from complete denial about my attractions, to mostly in denial but still hiding from them, to accepting that they are there, but being bound and determined to make them go away or turn into something more "normal", to accepting that they are indeed a part of who I am and a part of my experience in life.
Learning:
For the rest of my life I get to learn. I get to learn about things. I get to learn about people. I get to learn about myself and how I function, how I handle things, how I act or react to different situations. I get to learn how to manage my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I get to learn how to communicate better. I get to learn what my triggers are and how to avoid them, or even better, how to deal with them effectively.
There are so many things to learn, and the best way to do that is to live.
Living:
My attractions are indeed a part of me, and they aren't going away. But I am not about to pull inside of myself and stop living. I am not about to hide from people out of fear that I might find myself crushing on someone, or being totally smitten by someone. How can I ever truly learn to manage my feelings in an acceptable way to myself if I close myself off to connecting with people? I need people. And I really enjoy connecting with them. I'm not saying I'm good at connecting, but when I can, I enjoy it. But if I worried that I might fall for someone if I let myself get too close, then I would likely end up living a very isolated life and learning very little about myself. That doesn't sound fun to me at all.
There are places and situations that are best left alone - but not necessarily because of this SSA stuff. More so because of the potential loss of the Spirit that might occur. Otherwise, I believe that hiding only delays learning and growth. Sure, I might find myself in a situation that is emotionally and/or mentally taxing, but by facing that, and doing so honestly and diligently, I can learn and grow and become a better person overall.
When I was going through therapy I had to deal with and face many challenging, painful and emotionally taxing and draining things. I could have avoided going to those places, because it was hard. But then where would I be? Still stuck where I was. Rather, I adopted an attitude of "Hard is not bad". In other words, it's okay to go through and face hard things. And now I feel like a very much improved version of myself. I grew and gained a lot of personal knowledge and understanding - on levels physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
I wouldn't give that up just to avoid potentially painful or hard situations.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Journal Processing
Every now and then I like to include entries from past journals. Right now, I am looking at entries from about 9 years ago, when I first began my journey of figuring myself out. It's interesting to review and see what I was struggling with and consider if I've grown in that area since then. I'm happy to say that so far I can see I have grown and changed and increased in my depth of understanding. However, some things I find I do still worry about or struggle with.
Journal Entry
January 2, 2002
"What hit me tonight as I walked Harley was how afraid I am. Afraid I won't win, afraid it will be so hard, afraid of being labeled or judged - or that others will misunderstand. I need to be in control - control of who I am, in control of the choices I make. I do not want anyone, or any thing, any feeling, any habit, any addiction, anything controlling my choices. Controlling what I think or feel or do or say.
And I am afraid of that. Afraid that it will be so hard to not give in to my fears and temptations and weaknesses. I am afraid that others won't understand that, and will feel that I am just making myself more unhappy by trying to fight and stay in control. I am afraid that I will believe them because that is my habit - believe what others say over what I think I need or want - because I often do not trust my own opinion. I am afraid I will question and doubt my own feelings.
I am afraid of the challenge and the work that I face ahead of me. I just want this stuff to be over and that's it.
I am angry. Angry that I have to heal and fix all this stuff from my past. Stuff I didn't realize was happening - stuff I didn't realize was there - but now I have to deal with it. Now I have to fix it.
Is that the wrong attitude? Should I be grateful because this will bring me closer to my Heavenly Father? Maybe. But I still have to deal with it. It's still hard. And I am beginning to think this is something I will be dealing with my whole life! I don't want to. I want to do the healing now, and be done with it!
I thought I was getting better. But the more I go, the more I think about things and deal with things, the more I feel like I am not even remotely ready for much of any kind of relationship.
When I think about dating someone (men) - it really scares me. I don't think I am ready. I don't think I want to. But I know if someone asked, I would go - because well, partly out of curiosity - to see how it feels to date again. To see how I would react and feel about the situation all together. And just to have something to do. But mostly it would be out of curiosity to see how I feel with the whole thing.
I am human. I have weaknesses. The sooner I really and truly understand and accept this, the better off I will be. Because I am still hiding so much, I am sure. I am still trying to maintain some type of illusion that I am all okay. That all is well. When the truth is I don't think I really am. And that scares me. That makes me very afraid, and embarrassed, and nervous and insecure.
I am embarrassed that I am not more in control than I would like to be, than I think I should be. I am embarrassed that I have insecurities, that I have weaknesses, that I have fears. Why? Why does that embarrass me? Why does it embarrass me not to be in control? To have fears, to have questions?
I thought back in September (2001) that if I opened up, confessed, was honest with myself and others, I would heal. I didn't realize then that the wound ran so deep."
Journal Entry
January 2, 2002
"What hit me tonight as I walked Harley was how afraid I am. Afraid I won't win, afraid it will be so hard, afraid of being labeled or judged - or that others will misunderstand. I need to be in control - control of who I am, in control of the choices I make. I do not want anyone, or any thing, any feeling, any habit, any addiction, anything controlling my choices. Controlling what I think or feel or do or say.
And I am afraid of that. Afraid that it will be so hard to not give in to my fears and temptations and weaknesses. I am afraid that others won't understand that, and will feel that I am just making myself more unhappy by trying to fight and stay in control. I am afraid that I will believe them because that is my habit - believe what others say over what I think I need or want - because I often do not trust my own opinion. I am afraid I will question and doubt my own feelings.
I am afraid of the challenge and the work that I face ahead of me. I just want this stuff to be over and that's it.
I am angry. Angry that I have to heal and fix all this stuff from my past. Stuff I didn't realize was happening - stuff I didn't realize was there - but now I have to deal with it. Now I have to fix it.
Is that the wrong attitude? Should I be grateful because this will bring me closer to my Heavenly Father? Maybe. But I still have to deal with it. It's still hard. And I am beginning to think this is something I will be dealing with my whole life! I don't want to. I want to do the healing now, and be done with it!
I thought I was getting better. But the more I go, the more I think about things and deal with things, the more I feel like I am not even remotely ready for much of any kind of relationship.
When I think about dating someone (men) - it really scares me. I don't think I am ready. I don't think I want to. But I know if someone asked, I would go - because well, partly out of curiosity - to see how it feels to date again. To see how I would react and feel about the situation all together. And just to have something to do. But mostly it would be out of curiosity to see how I feel with the whole thing.
I am human. I have weaknesses. The sooner I really and truly understand and accept this, the better off I will be. Because I am still hiding so much, I am sure. I am still trying to maintain some type of illusion that I am all okay. That all is well. When the truth is I don't think I really am. And that scares me. That makes me very afraid, and embarrassed, and nervous and insecure.
I am embarrassed that I am not more in control than I would like to be, than I think I should be. I am embarrassed that I have insecurities, that I have weaknesses, that I have fears. Why? Why does that embarrass me? Why does it embarrass me not to be in control? To have fears, to have questions?
I thought back in September (2001) that if I opened up, confessed, was honest with myself and others, I would heal. I didn't realize then that the wound ran so deep."
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Puzzles, puzzles
How does one (me for example) develop a friendship with someone who in all reality hates them? But the reason this person hates me has nothing really do with me as a person. Yet there is very little, okay NO, willingness to find out who "me as a peron" is. But somehow this friendship must form in order to allow other things in both of our lives to continue on with fewer bumps and broken parts. Is it even possible when one is willing and the other is very much less than willing? I don't know if it is. And that just means a certain amount of tension and angst will always remain. Which is sad. Because it doesn't have to.
I'm not sure I can solve this puzzle. But it's one I keep fiddling with, because I feel there is something great there. Something worth seeing, finding and discovering. Unfortunatley, this puzzle may have some vital pieces missing, and therefore it might never be what it truly has the potential of becoming.
I'm not sure I can solve this puzzle. But it's one I keep fiddling with, because I feel there is something great there. Something worth seeing, finding and discovering. Unfortunatley, this puzzle may have some vital pieces missing, and therefore it might never be what it truly has the potential of becoming.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Wendyphobia
So it appears my very existence causes incredible fear, uncertainty, discomfort, discord, unrest and even some feelings of hatred. These are not happy feelings. It bothers me a lot that I inspire them in some people - simply because I exist in the life of my roommate, someone I care very deeply about.
It has always been my desire to have someone act in a certain way towards me out of respect. Who wouldn't want this? But this is not respect. This is blind, unfair judgment. And it bothers me a lot. What also bothers me are how these assumptions and judgments affect my roommate.
I am a kind person. A good person. A fair and caring person. I try to be unselfish, understanding and supportive. These are the qualities I would like to have considered when deciding what I'm all about. Not feelings based on assumptions and zero effort to get to know who I am and who I am not.
I know I've made my share of mistakes, times when I could have and should have shown more concern and respect for others and their feelings. Maybe this is just Karma coming back around in a very funky and convoluted way.
What I do know is that I wish there was something I could do or say to help ease this Wendyphobia. I really hate being viewed as the opponent and the enemy. And it frustrates me how those phobic feelings by some affect the lives of others I care about.
It has always been my desire to have someone act in a certain way towards me out of respect. Who wouldn't want this? But this is not respect. This is blind, unfair judgment. And it bothers me a lot. What also bothers me are how these assumptions and judgments affect my roommate.
I am a kind person. A good person. A fair and caring person. I try to be unselfish, understanding and supportive. These are the qualities I would like to have considered when deciding what I'm all about. Not feelings based on assumptions and zero effort to get to know who I am and who I am not.
I know I've made my share of mistakes, times when I could have and should have shown more concern and respect for others and their feelings. Maybe this is just Karma coming back around in a very funky and convoluted way.
What I do know is that I wish there was something I could do or say to help ease this Wendyphobia. I really hate being viewed as the opponent and the enemy. And it frustrates me how those phobic feelings by some affect the lives of others I care about.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Touch
My libido is almost non-existent. I can't say why that is. So living the law of chastity has been a not-so-difficult thing for me. My attractions are almost never sexually driven. But they are deeply connection driven.
We all have what are known as Love Languages:
A few of these languages speak loudly to me - physical touch, quality time and words of affection. Of these, however, physical touch outweighs them all. And for me, it is not about "the bedroom" at all. I haven't always recognized the power of touch for me, but over the past several years, that aspect of my life has come into clear focus. I love and crave touch. And just as it says above, "Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face" are all very meaningful for me. They are healing, validating, and confirm any words of affirmation that are spoken.
I often "purr" inside with touch - even the simplest touch. I've been known to purr out loud as well. I don't know what it is about even the act of touch that reaches me so deeply and means so much to me, but even my favorite person resting her arm on my head, while silly, is so meaningful to me.
Maybe because my personal boundaries don't allow sexually intimate touch to show and receive affection (the times I have gone there, or as close as I've been able to were always hit and miss with me - sometimes I was fine, other times not. The uncertainty of how I would react made the act very unsettling), all I do have is simple touch, and so I long for it, need it, am lifted by it as others would be through more sexual contact. It means that someone else loves me enough to want to connect with me both emotionally and physically. It means I am wanted, chosen, loved, and that another person is glad to have me around, right there.
We all have what are known as Love Languages:
-
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. -
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. -
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. -
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. -
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
A few of these languages speak loudly to me - physical touch, quality time and words of affection. Of these, however, physical touch outweighs them all. And for me, it is not about "the bedroom" at all. I haven't always recognized the power of touch for me, but over the past several years, that aspect of my life has come into clear focus. I love and crave touch. And just as it says above, "Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face" are all very meaningful for me. They are healing, validating, and confirm any words of affirmation that are spoken.
I often "purr" inside with touch - even the simplest touch. I've been known to purr out loud as well. I don't know what it is about even the act of touch that reaches me so deeply and means so much to me, but even my favorite person resting her arm on my head, while silly, is so meaningful to me.
Maybe because my personal boundaries don't allow sexually intimate touch to show and receive affection (the times I have gone there, or as close as I've been able to were always hit and miss with me - sometimes I was fine, other times not. The uncertainty of how I would react made the act very unsettling), all I do have is simple touch, and so I long for it, need it, am lifted by it as others would be through more sexual contact. It means that someone else loves me enough to want to connect with me both emotionally and physically. It means I am wanted, chosen, loved, and that another person is glad to have me around, right there.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Trials and Faith
The other night I attended a Relief Society activity where we had a wonderful guest speaker talk about some of the trials she has faced and how she has endured them. She was a wonderful speaker. Very funny. Very real. She lost her eyesight to cancer and she talked about how she dealt with that. She found so much humor in her situation - I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to find humor in some of what she went through. They became funny and enjoyable experiences only because of her attitude. Many other people, I am sure, might just hole up, become distant, avoid all possible situations that might be difficult or uncomfortable. So I am very grateful that she was able to show an example that even some of the most difficult situations can be seen as the glass half full.
One of the comments she made that really stuck out to me was when she was talking about how she knew that Christ could heal her sight. He could remove the cancer and heal her vision. She said she had enough faith for that to happen. I know I have felt that way also about being gay. When I first recognized my feelings for what they were, I knew they could change. I knew Christ could "heal" me, and help me to have natural feelings for men. There was no doubt in my mind that that could and would happen, because of my faith in Him and my desire for obedience.
But for both this sister, and for me, the desires of our hearts and the efforts of our faith were not experienced. Rather, she and I (and so many other people) get to keep our trials. What struck me was that she said, "It takes more faith to live with your trials than to have them removed." That statement hit home for me. How true that is.
Yes, I could have my gay-ness removed from me. And could go on to experience life as a happy, straight person (with other trials, of course). But honestly, my faith is tested and strengthened and challenged and made to grow because my trial has not be removed. It is this trial that helps me to increase my faith. Use my faith. Rely on hope. Rely on the Savior.
She also spoke about how hurt and offended she feels when people tell her she is such a strong person for being able to go through this - because "the Lord won't give you anything you can't handle." Why be offended and hurt by that? Because she can't handle this trial. I can't handle my trial(s). So really, I am weak. She is weak. How nice to have someone point that out.
We can't handle these trials. And we aren't supposed to be able to. That is exactly why we have a Savior. He is there to literally save us, because we can't handle these things on our own.
I need the Savior. He gives me strength. Helps to pull me through tough times. Is there to comfort me when I fall. And I do fall. He supports me and is patient with me as I make my mistakes, have my temper tantrums, and want to quit.
It takes so much more faith to live with our trials than to have them taken away. I am grateful that Lord is concerned with having me grow, and learn and progress more than allowing me an easier time on this earth. Because ultimately, that growth, learning and progress will and does bring me more joy than I could find otherwise.
One of the comments she made that really stuck out to me was when she was talking about how she knew that Christ could heal her sight. He could remove the cancer and heal her vision. She said she had enough faith for that to happen. I know I have felt that way also about being gay. When I first recognized my feelings for what they were, I knew they could change. I knew Christ could "heal" me, and help me to have natural feelings for men. There was no doubt in my mind that that could and would happen, because of my faith in Him and my desire for obedience.
But for both this sister, and for me, the desires of our hearts and the efforts of our faith were not experienced. Rather, she and I (and so many other people) get to keep our trials. What struck me was that she said, "It takes more faith to live with your trials than to have them removed." That statement hit home for me. How true that is.
Yes, I could have my gay-ness removed from me. And could go on to experience life as a happy, straight person (with other trials, of course). But honestly, my faith is tested and strengthened and challenged and made to grow because my trial has not be removed. It is this trial that helps me to increase my faith. Use my faith. Rely on hope. Rely on the Savior.
She also spoke about how hurt and offended she feels when people tell her she is such a strong person for being able to go through this - because "the Lord won't give you anything you can't handle." Why be offended and hurt by that? Because she can't handle this trial. I can't handle my trial(s). So really, I am weak. She is weak. How nice to have someone point that out.
We can't handle these trials. And we aren't supposed to be able to. That is exactly why we have a Savior. He is there to literally save us, because we can't handle these things on our own.
I need the Savior. He gives me strength. Helps to pull me through tough times. Is there to comfort me when I fall. And I do fall. He supports me and is patient with me as I make my mistakes, have my temper tantrums, and want to quit.
It takes so much more faith to live with our trials than to have them taken away. I am grateful that Lord is concerned with having me grow, and learn and progress more than allowing me an easier time on this earth. Because ultimately, that growth, learning and progress will and does bring me more joy than I could find otherwise.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Needing to Feel Loved
Journal Entry
October 7, 2001
"My...future is unsure. And I guess I am feeling a bit depressed about that. The ever present struggle with whether I am loved or cared about. If I matter. I know people love me, but for some reason I need reaffirming of that often. I need to feel it more than I do...."
October 11, 2001
"I'm in one of my moods where I need to be needed, where I need to know I am cared about. I am not sure what brings that on - I bet if I sat and thought long enough I could get to the core.
I need to somehow learn how to love myself - to be okay with who I am. To recognize my weaknesses and work to overcome them, but love them because they are a part of me. Or at least to recognize the effort I put into overcoming that stuff. To be ok with my feelings and the way I choose to deal with them or not.
I need to be loved - not just by a friend or my mom - but I need someone to love me, and want to be with me. Someone who I can love in return. And right now the only love I am getting is from my family and my friends - who are all women. That puts my mind and my heart in places I don't feel good going. Same sex relationships can only go as far as a good friend - not any deeper. But because I long to be loved and needed, I am finding myself looking more to my friends for that love. And that is just messing with my mind and my heart in a way that they don't need to be messed with.
I am going to talk to a counselor about all of this and pray that she can help me sort through it all. The more I have the spirit with me, the stronger I am. I need to trust in and lean on the savior."
October 7, 2001
"My...future is unsure. And I guess I am feeling a bit depressed about that. The ever present struggle with whether I am loved or cared about. If I matter. I know people love me, but for some reason I need reaffirming of that often. I need to feel it more than I do...."
October 11, 2001
"I'm in one of my moods where I need to be needed, where I need to know I am cared about. I am not sure what brings that on - I bet if I sat and thought long enough I could get to the core.
I need to somehow learn how to love myself - to be okay with who I am. To recognize my weaknesses and work to overcome them, but love them because they are a part of me. Or at least to recognize the effort I put into overcoming that stuff. To be ok with my feelings and the way I choose to deal with them or not.
I need to be loved - not just by a friend or my mom - but I need someone to love me, and want to be with me. Someone who I can love in return. And right now the only love I am getting is from my family and my friends - who are all women. That puts my mind and my heart in places I don't feel good going. Same sex relationships can only go as far as a good friend - not any deeper. But because I long to be loved and needed, I am finding myself looking more to my friends for that love. And that is just messing with my mind and my heart in a way that they don't need to be messed with.
I am going to talk to a counselor about all of this and pray that she can help me sort through it all. The more I have the spirit with me, the stronger I am. I need to trust in and lean on the savior."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Some Life Lessons
I'm not sure how to word this post. All too often lately, I have spoken words out of self-absorption without really working through them or truly considering how they might affect another person. I don't want to do that again. Because the results have lead to inaccurate conclusions by others. Of course, I don't blame them. I'm sure if I were told some of the things I've said lately, I would come to the same conclusions, and they just aren't accurate. So with that vague introduction, what is it I want to say?
I need to preface this post with this: I am lazy by nature. Things that take too much effort, especially mental effort, I tend to minimize or avoid. I am not a deep thinker. I am not an analyzer. For me, those things just take too much effort, and I would rather be thinking about and focusing on lighter things. But then something happened several years ago that forced me to start digging internally.
I realized I was attracted to women. And I realized my self-esteem was in the toilet. My self-esteem was indeed "other-esteem".
Thus followed years of self work. Years of mental and emotional and spiritual work. Years of trying to find self-love, self-confidence, and self-worth. Realizing I was attracted to women was the catalyst to begin this more important work of discovering myself.
Ultimately this effort, combined with sincere prayer, lead me to a moment of true revelation where the Spirit was finally able to get through to me and show me a glimpse of who I was. It was a wonderful, sacred moment. I was at once not just mentally aware of my worth, but deeply, wholly and spiritually aware of it. I could with all honesty say I loved myself. Truly, deeply, and completely. It was a moment of true enlightenment.
This was such an incredible moment for me, that I was sure I would never forget the feelings of that day. I was sure I would never lose sight of who I was, my value and worth. That I would never again need others to show me my worth, because I received that assurance from a much greater and purer source.
Years went by and I found that when I was faced with moments of doubt that I only had to reflect back on that experience, and I was once again buoyed up and assured that I was of worth. However, because my nature is still lazy, I recognize now that I quit making efforts to strengthen the truth that I had received. I quit working on my own self-worth truths. Why? Because I began getting that reassurance from another person. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. Not at all. But for someone who is lazy mentally and emotionally, receiving such powerful assurance of my worth from somewhere other than within allowed me to stop working on and cultivating it myself. Before too long, and without me even realizing it had happened, I once again was relying on "other-esteem".
And that could have continued indefinitely had not the one constant in life not occurred - change. A change began to happen with the person who I was receiving all my self-assurance from. As this change continued, progressed and more fully developed, I found my foundation of "self-worth" slipping from me. I tried to reflect back on that moment of revelation and stability, and found it lacked the power it once had for me. I had forgotten what it means to have self-worth. Forgotten it quite deeply. I had relied so heavily on the worth I felt from another, that I totally abandoned the effort to cultivate self-worth within.
Now, this is not to say that the other person withdrew everything emotionally strengthening from me. Not at all. But the change was enough, and my own foundation of worth so fragile, that I was not able to stand on my own during this change. I needed the validation, as it had always come, in order to be okay with myself. And while that validation and that love had not gone anywhere, it was different. And that was enough to cause my foundation to crumble from under me.
I realized with quite a bit self-disappointment what I had done. I had, unknowingly, put all my feelings of value and worth onto another person. I had become emotionally unhealthy once again. And placed a huge and un-fair burden onto another person.
I am so sorry.
I am also very grateful for this person's own sense of self to have the courage and understanding to move towards their own change as they felt they needed to. Because it helped me to realize where I went wrong. And that I relied way to heavily on them for validation of my worth. That validation is my responsibility. Not theirs. I am sorry.
So now begins my journey once again. I must regain my own sense of self-worth. I must make the effort to find my value from within, notwithstanding any outward influence.
There is analogy for this. It is like doing bench presses in a gym. I begin and struggle to lift the weight. I start out small and light, but over time I get strong enough and confident enough that I can lift the desired weight on my own. Then a spotter comes along to assist me. And gradually, I let the spotter do more and more of the work, while I simply go through the motions. But it is so gradual that neither of us realize who is carrying the majority of the weight. Then something changes, the spotter shifts their grip, changes their stance, removes a hand, and suddenly all the weight comes back to me. And because I haven't really been doing the work on my own for so long, I no longer have the strength to lift the desired weight. So now I have a choice, I can either whine and complain to the spotter to start lifting the weight again, so I can go through the motions of doing a bench press, or take that responsibility back to myself, and relearn how to lift the weight on my own. Of course, the best answer is clean. And although it's maybe a more difficult answer, it is the only real way to keep growing and learning. And this time I've hopefully learned what the spotter is truly for, being there to help if I get in over my head, but not carrying all the weight for me.
It may not be a perfect analogy, but to sum everything up, I have made an important realization - I have let my sense of worth rest squarely on the shoulders of another person. That is neither healthy nor fair. It is time for me to rediscover my own 'self' worth.
I need to preface this post with this: I am lazy by nature. Things that take too much effort, especially mental effort, I tend to minimize or avoid. I am not a deep thinker. I am not an analyzer. For me, those things just take too much effort, and I would rather be thinking about and focusing on lighter things. But then something happened several years ago that forced me to start digging internally.
I realized I was attracted to women. And I realized my self-esteem was in the toilet. My self-esteem was indeed "other-esteem".
Thus followed years of self work. Years of mental and emotional and spiritual work. Years of trying to find self-love, self-confidence, and self-worth. Realizing I was attracted to women was the catalyst to begin this more important work of discovering myself.
Ultimately this effort, combined with sincere prayer, lead me to a moment of true revelation where the Spirit was finally able to get through to me and show me a glimpse of who I was. It was a wonderful, sacred moment. I was at once not just mentally aware of my worth, but deeply, wholly and spiritually aware of it. I could with all honesty say I loved myself. Truly, deeply, and completely. It was a moment of true enlightenment.
This was such an incredible moment for me, that I was sure I would never forget the feelings of that day. I was sure I would never lose sight of who I was, my value and worth. That I would never again need others to show me my worth, because I received that assurance from a much greater and purer source.
Years went by and I found that when I was faced with moments of doubt that I only had to reflect back on that experience, and I was once again buoyed up and assured that I was of worth. However, because my nature is still lazy, I recognize now that I quit making efforts to strengthen the truth that I had received. I quit working on my own self-worth truths. Why? Because I began getting that reassurance from another person. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. Not at all. But for someone who is lazy mentally and emotionally, receiving such powerful assurance of my worth from somewhere other than within allowed me to stop working on and cultivating it myself. Before too long, and without me even realizing it had happened, I once again was relying on "other-esteem".
And that could have continued indefinitely had not the one constant in life not occurred - change. A change began to happen with the person who I was receiving all my self-assurance from. As this change continued, progressed and more fully developed, I found my foundation of "self-worth" slipping from me. I tried to reflect back on that moment of revelation and stability, and found it lacked the power it once had for me. I had forgotten what it means to have self-worth. Forgotten it quite deeply. I had relied so heavily on the worth I felt from another, that I totally abandoned the effort to cultivate self-worth within.
Now, this is not to say that the other person withdrew everything emotionally strengthening from me. Not at all. But the change was enough, and my own foundation of worth so fragile, that I was not able to stand on my own during this change. I needed the validation, as it had always come, in order to be okay with myself. And while that validation and that love had not gone anywhere, it was different. And that was enough to cause my foundation to crumble from under me.
I realized with quite a bit self-disappointment what I had done. I had, unknowingly, put all my feelings of value and worth onto another person. I had become emotionally unhealthy once again. And placed a huge and un-fair burden onto another person.
I am so sorry.
I am also very grateful for this person's own sense of self to have the courage and understanding to move towards their own change as they felt they needed to. Because it helped me to realize where I went wrong. And that I relied way to heavily on them for validation of my worth. That validation is my responsibility. Not theirs. I am sorry.
So now begins my journey once again. I must regain my own sense of self-worth. I must make the effort to find my value from within, notwithstanding any outward influence.
There is analogy for this. It is like doing bench presses in a gym. I begin and struggle to lift the weight. I start out small and light, but over time I get strong enough and confident enough that I can lift the desired weight on my own. Then a spotter comes along to assist me. And gradually, I let the spotter do more and more of the work, while I simply go through the motions. But it is so gradual that neither of us realize who is carrying the majority of the weight. Then something changes, the spotter shifts their grip, changes their stance, removes a hand, and suddenly all the weight comes back to me. And because I haven't really been doing the work on my own for so long, I no longer have the strength to lift the desired weight. So now I have a choice, I can either whine and complain to the spotter to start lifting the weight again, so I can go through the motions of doing a bench press, or take that responsibility back to myself, and relearn how to lift the weight on my own. Of course, the best answer is clean. And although it's maybe a more difficult answer, it is the only real way to keep growing and learning. And this time I've hopefully learned what the spotter is truly for, being there to help if I get in over my head, but not carrying all the weight for me.
It may not be a perfect analogy, but to sum everything up, I have made an important realization - I have let my sense of worth rest squarely on the shoulders of another person. That is neither healthy nor fair. It is time for me to rediscover my own 'self' worth.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
A Trip to Colorado
Journal Entry - September 26, 2001
"Tomorrow Annette and I are going to Colorado to visit some friends. Actually, most of who we are visiting are Annette's friends, so mostly I am just tagging along for the ride. Kinda' weird - but I am sure it will be fun."
September 29, 2001
"We drove for 10 hrs along Hwy 40...to get here. It was a beautiful drive...
We went over to 'Linda' and 'Cathy's' place for dinner. It was yummy. On Friday, Nets and I met up with 'Rachael' (from the bike ride) and went on a bike ride. We picked up 'Rachael's' friend, Kat and got a little to eat.
Then we came back to 'Dennis'' (Annette's brother) place, ... made dinner and 'Linda' and 'Cathy' came over to eat. We had a nice conversation. I felt a bit uncomfortable during parts (the gay relationship stuff - they are all gay) but not too bad. I don't worry if people think I am gay - but I do wonder. I wonder what they think, what their thoughts about me are. That I seem so ok with hanging around with gay people is funny to them - especially since I am an active Mormon - and most LDS people are not ok with that. And again, I am not ok with the lifestyle, but these are my friends, and I accept them and love them for who they are.
It has been mentioned before that it takes someone who is totally ok with who they are (sexually, I guess) to be able to really be ok with spending time with gay people. I like to think that refers to me. The truth is I do struggle a bit, not with what I hope for and want, because that is totally clear, my goal in that respect is sure. But I do struggle with what I at times feel. And I think (and wonder) if that shows through to people. Which is why I wonder what people think. I don't think it would change much how I act, and who I spend time with. But it may - who knows. I might find I am more guarded. I guess in some ways that's good, but in other ways not so good."
October 5, 2001
"Saturday night last week in Denver was bad for me. The day was fun. We went also with a guy named 'Rich' - Dennis' friend. He was very nice, and fun. And we all had a good day, all day. Then when we dropped him back off at his hotel room, they all got into a discussion - that basically included the Church and gays. He made a lot of comments that were very offensive to me. Not so much the words he said, although that had a lot to do with it, but it was mostly how he said it. It was belittling, mocking - taking things sacred and holy and dragging them through the mud - mocking and ridiculing Joseph Smith and other church leaders I have the greatest respect and admiration for. It was bad. Luckily it didn't go on very much longer or I would have had to leave at the risk of being rude. But it ended and we left. I wonder if they sensed I was getting upset. If they did, they made no indication to the point. Except for later, 'Carol' (Annette's cousin) apologized for her behavior.
Anyway, that was hard for me for a couple of days. I am okay now, and above all I recognize how important those sacred things are to me, and that I cannot stand having them mocked and ridiculed. From anyone....
...I am grateful for my testimony. It really is deeper than words can say - because in all reality, words didn't give me my testimony. The spirit did, and therefor it can only be understood by the spirit. I have a lot to work on. I know that. I am FAR from being perfect - which is why I am so very grateful for the gospel, and especially for the atonement."
"Tomorrow Annette and I are going to Colorado to visit some friends. Actually, most of who we are visiting are Annette's friends, so mostly I am just tagging along for the ride. Kinda' weird - but I am sure it will be fun."
September 29, 2001
"We drove for 10 hrs along Hwy 40...to get here. It was a beautiful drive...
We went over to 'Linda' and 'Cathy's' place for dinner. It was yummy. On Friday, Nets and I met up with 'Rachael' (from the bike ride) and went on a bike ride. We picked up 'Rachael's' friend, Kat and got a little to eat.
Then we came back to 'Dennis'' (Annette's brother) place, ... made dinner and 'Linda' and 'Cathy' came over to eat. We had a nice conversation. I felt a bit uncomfortable during parts (the gay relationship stuff - they are all gay) but not too bad. I don't worry if people think I am gay - but I do wonder. I wonder what they think, what their thoughts about me are. That I seem so ok with hanging around with gay people is funny to them - especially since I am an active Mormon - and most LDS people are not ok with that. And again, I am not ok with the lifestyle, but these are my friends, and I accept them and love them for who they are.
It has been mentioned before that it takes someone who is totally ok with who they are (sexually, I guess) to be able to really be ok with spending time with gay people. I like to think that refers to me. The truth is I do struggle a bit, not with what I hope for and want, because that is totally clear, my goal in that respect is sure. But I do struggle with what I at times feel. And I think (and wonder) if that shows through to people. Which is why I wonder what people think. I don't think it would change much how I act, and who I spend time with. But it may - who knows. I might find I am more guarded. I guess in some ways that's good, but in other ways not so good."
October 5, 2001
"Saturday night last week in Denver was bad for me. The day was fun. We went also with a guy named 'Rich' - Dennis' friend. He was very nice, and fun. And we all had a good day, all day. Then when we dropped him back off at his hotel room, they all got into a discussion - that basically included the Church and gays. He made a lot of comments that were very offensive to me. Not so much the words he said, although that had a lot to do with it, but it was mostly how he said it. It was belittling, mocking - taking things sacred and holy and dragging them through the mud - mocking and ridiculing Joseph Smith and other church leaders I have the greatest respect and admiration for. It was bad. Luckily it didn't go on very much longer or I would have had to leave at the risk of being rude. But it ended and we left. I wonder if they sensed I was getting upset. If they did, they made no indication to the point. Except for later, 'Carol' (Annette's cousin) apologized for her behavior.
Anyway, that was hard for me for a couple of days. I am okay now, and above all I recognize how important those sacred things are to me, and that I cannot stand having them mocked and ridiculed. From anyone....
...I am grateful for my testimony. It really is deeper than words can say - because in all reality, words didn't give me my testimony. The spirit did, and therefor it can only be understood by the spirit. I have a lot to work on. I know that. I am FAR from being perfect - which is why I am so very grateful for the gospel, and especially for the atonement."
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Journal Entry - September 15, 2001
"More tomorrow, but I wanted to jot this down so I don't forget: I accept other people even though I may not, and often don't agree with or support their lifestyle."
September 16, 2001 (Sunday)
"Annette (roommate) and I talked late into the night last night. A lot about what I wrote above. I think it is great that we can both be living such different lives, and still be able to accept and support one another. And be able to talk about so many things.
I spoke to the Bishop today - what a feeling of peace, and of a burden being lifted. He is going to find out about a counselor for me to see - to help me work through some things - to give me extra amo against the adversary.
I have never gone to counseling - and am a little apprehensive. I guess in a way it makes me feel weak, or unfaithful, un-trusting. Like I don't trust the Lord's ability to heal me, just through me working and trusting in Him. But then again, the Lord often works through other people. And I prayed today that the Bishop would know what to do and say to help me - and this was his counsel. So I will follow it."
September 16, 2001 (Sunday)
"Annette (roommate) and I talked late into the night last night. A lot about what I wrote above. I think it is great that we can both be living such different lives, and still be able to accept and support one another. And be able to talk about so many things.
I spoke to the Bishop today - what a feeling of peace, and of a burden being lifted. He is going to find out about a counselor for me to see - to help me work through some things - to give me extra amo against the adversary.
I have never gone to counseling - and am a little apprehensive. I guess in a way it makes me feel weak, or unfaithful, un-trusting. Like I don't trust the Lord's ability to heal me, just through me working and trusting in Him. But then again, the Lord often works through other people. And I prayed today that the Bishop would know what to do and say to help me - and this was his counsel. So I will follow it."
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Journal Entry - September 11, 2001
"First thing this morning as I am driving to my class, I hear on the news that 2 planes were flown into the World Trade Towers. Two others were hijacked. One was flown into the Pentagon in D.C. and the other crashed....
After the planes were flown into the trade towers, both towers collapsed - within 30 minutes of each other. The World Trade Towers. The two of them can have upwards of 50,000 people in them. There is no way they all got out. I am sure thousands were killed....It absolutely blows my mind....These were innocent people...
All flights into and within the US were stopped until noon tomorrow. The entire nation is shut down....
And in addition to that I am dealing with a bit of a personal emotional crisis. But more on that another day. Let's just say things that I thought I had under control have been thrown into my face to where I am not sure about that anymore."
September 13, 2001
"The last word is that around 4,700 people are missing - missing because they still have not been able to sort through all of the debris from the buildings....Around 300 rescue and fire fighters are missing - those who first went into the buildings to get people out....
I have an interview with the Bishop on Sunday. I am going to try to tell him the inner struggle I have been having lately. Finally tonight I am feeling some peace about it. I trust in the Savior and in the atonement. I can be healed - and normal, good feelings can then emerge."
September 14, 2001
"Today was a National Day of Remembrance. All over the country, people gathered together at various times and in various ways to remember the loss, and pray for the suffering and for the country.
My prayer is that we will never forget this. That we will take this, and learn and grow, and have more love, more acceptance, more kindness to others. More looking and turning to God as individuals and as a Nation.... It was a day that shattered the Nation, and brought us all a lot closer together...
This has been a personal time for healing for me. Sunday I have an interview with the Bishop to discuss some issues and struggles I have been facing. It is time to open up, to confess, to heal... to be honest with myself, to be honest with others, to be honest with God."
After the planes were flown into the trade towers, both towers collapsed - within 30 minutes of each other. The World Trade Towers. The two of them can have upwards of 50,000 people in them. There is no way they all got out. I am sure thousands were killed....It absolutely blows my mind....These were innocent people...
All flights into and within the US were stopped until noon tomorrow. The entire nation is shut down....
And in addition to that I am dealing with a bit of a personal emotional crisis. But more on that another day. Let's just say things that I thought I had under control have been thrown into my face to where I am not sure about that anymore."
September 13, 2001
"The last word is that around 4,700 people are missing - missing because they still have not been able to sort through all of the debris from the buildings....Around 300 rescue and fire fighters are missing - those who first went into the buildings to get people out....
I have an interview with the Bishop on Sunday. I am going to try to tell him the inner struggle I have been having lately. Finally tonight I am feeling some peace about it. I trust in the Savior and in the atonement. I can be healed - and normal, good feelings can then emerge."
September 14, 2001
"Today was a National Day of Remembrance. All over the country, people gathered together at various times and in various ways to remember the loss, and pray for the suffering and for the country.
My prayer is that we will never forget this. That we will take this, and learn and grow, and have more love, more acceptance, more kindness to others. More looking and turning to God as individuals and as a Nation.... It was a day that shattered the Nation, and brought us all a lot closer together...
This has been a personal time for healing for me. Sunday I have an interview with the Bishop to discuss some issues and struggles I have been facing. It is time to open up, to confess, to heal... to be honest with myself, to be honest with others, to be honest with God."
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