And on

It's been a while.

In general I haven't spent much time on the computer lately. My new job keeps me pretty busy, and I don't have internet at my "Island House" - my home at work. Not yet anyway. So I've kind of let all my computer endeavors fall by the wayside for a while.

But over the past month I've had the chance to experience something that is rather new and unexpected for me. I began dating a guy. And it wasn't even uncomfortable. On the contrary. Despite my initial reluctance of going to dinner the first time, I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to be totally relaxed and myself throughout the evening. And I didn't even hate it. On pretty much every other "first date", I have found myself just counting down the minutes until the evening ends, and then having no desire to set up date number 2. So to have an enjoyable evening, and zero reluctance to set up date number 2 was a very new and unexpected experience.

It wasn't that I was physically or even really emotionally attracted to this guy, but I was very comfortable with him. So that was enough to convince me to see if this could actually go anywhere.

We continued to date. And every time, had a great time. Always comfortable. Always easy. After about the third or forth time together, I did feel like he needed to know why I had never married. Why I was generally uncomfortable around guys. He needed to know this because 1) I wasn't developing any additional feelings for him, but it seemed he was really starting to like me a whole lot and 2) I needed him to know exactly where I was coming from because I respected him too much to lead him on with false, or unsure expectations. I didn't know if I would ever develop feelings for him beyond friendship. And he needed to know that.

The news broke his heart, and that, surprisingly (again) to me, made me feel very sad for him. So we talked very openly about it. He realized that he would probably never be able to be for me what I needed. I acknowledged that that might be true, but I was willing to try, if he was. Just go with the flow and see where it takes us.

So we did.

We continued to spend time together, have fun together, work on moving and painting projects together. I was hopeful things might just be different. Things might just work out. However, despite the initial miracle of being totally comfortable with him, no other feelings came about. On the contrary, they actually began shifting back to what I'm used to have happening with guys. A reluctance to make the effort to spend time with them. Despite the goodness of this individual, despite the ease with which I could talk with him, the drive that keeps those feelings moving and growing is just not within me. And so the ease to do things with him faded.

I guess I am too much of a coward to do this in person, so I sent him a text and told him where I was, and what I was feeling. After exchanging a few meaningful, but difficult texts, we ultimately said good-bye to one another. I was surprised by how it made me feel. There was a definite loss there. There was also a bit of anger and frustration wondering why things couldn't have been different with me. Why couldn't it have continued to be easy to make the effort to be with him?  And then of course the answer comes very simply. I am attracted to and drawn emotionally and physically to women.  And despite my best efforts, and my willingness to try to experience other things, I can't force those attractions to shift. Apparently, even trying to just let them emerge naturally with a really easy going and nice guy doesn't work either.

Later that day, after saying good-bye, I looked inside to see what I was feeling and experiencing, and all seemed right again in the world. I was sad that things had to end, but the angst I had begun to feel about spending time with this great guy was gone. I had done the right thing.

And so on I go.