No More Goodbyes

Today I finished reading "No More Goodbyes" by Carol Lynn Pearson. Since I first opened this book and began reading, I've been filled with so many thoughts, feelings, impressions, emotions. Most of which I will probably never have adequate words to be able to express.

I'm touched. Saddened. Filled with hope. Filled with hurt. I marvel at the goodness of so many, and equally at the level of rejection by others.

I have some loved ones who I desperately want to read this book, with a hope that their understanding of me, and others will increase. That they will be able to see the decisions I make, and look on them with compassion, love and understanding, rather than with hurt, heartbreak and judgement. 

For the past two months I've been sitting with and letting sink in a decision I made about the path and direction of my life. So much of this book put into words a great deal of what I have felt and experienced. There is one quote, one thought expressed towards the end that I think summarizes my own life and experiences very well. It summarizes what I have come to realize for myself.

I knew that my purpose for being on this earth was not to be shut down emotionally, physically, and spiritually as I had been, but to be fully present and fully giving and loving in a committed relationship.

My emotions have been very close to the surface lately as I've tried to internalize these and so many other things. I am generally  not a very deep thinker, and these past couple of months have worn me out. I'm ready to move on, and just get on with my life. I don't know what that really looks like. But really, who does? I do know that I have a deep need and longing for connection. Emotional, spiritual, physical connection.

So I open that door and then move forward with my life the best way I know how. 

I'm Okay. Really.

The last couple of posts, especially the most recent one, maybe made it sound like I was really, really struggling. That's not entirely true. I shared that last post, I guess, as an example of how difficult this issue of living as a gay Mormon can be.

This is a complex issue. And any decisions that are made, are made within the realm of that complexity.

I've made some new decisions in my life recently. Those decisions bring with them a new and unknown path and journey. But that decision still feels right. Still feels like it's where I need to go. I'm just not sure where everything will fall out, and/or fall into place. That unknown  brings a sense of uncertainty. But there is also a measure of peace that I haven't really experienced before. A different kind of peace. A peace that says, even though this is a decision I never thought I'd would make, it's okay. And I'm okay.

Willing To Mourn

I recently read a blog post in which the blogger quoted the words of another gay Mormon. I want to post part of that blog, and the words he quoted here. The full post is here. And while quite long, worth the read.

"Her name is Emily Stephens. She's in her thirties and is a writer. Her coming out was accidental. She responded to a thread on a group called Mormons Building Bridges, and didn't realize it was open to all her Facebook friends to see. Her words are powerful and very direct. In asking where the post came from, she said she was very moved when a non-SSA member was perplexed at some of the harshness that has surrounded the issue of homosexuality in the recent conference. Here are Emily's quotes below:

Jann...your post's last statement is so penetrating... "...why would the church put up a website about mormons and gays and it have loving language, but the GA's talk about it with such vileness???" 

I am active LDS, served a mission, attend the temple. I love to serve in YWs! I love to pay a full tithe! And, I pray every night that Heavenly Father will be merciful and let me die. I've survived being LDS and gay for 13 years, sometimes barely. I figured it out when I was 22. The messages this weekend conveyed to me exactly what you wrote. I must acknowledge that. I'd like to ignore those talks and only think about Uchtdorf's talk, but I heard their words. My heart has felt their words. They aren't going away. They aren't even new words. It is what has been said for years. I have a testimony of the gospel. So, I don't understand why my church hates me so much. Why do they insist repeatedly that I am vile? Why am I targeted at all? Because I "love" wrong? 

 I am terrified of people in my stake finding out I am gay. Though I am more than sure they suspect. In the past, I had a loving and compassionate bishop tell me that if people found out, my calling with the youth would be in jeopardy. Just if they found out I am "gay." I have never been kissed in my entire life. Never held hands. I've loved secretly and deeply in my heart, but was taught to do so with the greatest of shame.  

It is often suggested that same-sex marriage is the root cause of the degradation of the family--how is that possible? If we are to be discussing vile at Conference, why aren't we talking about pornography, infidelity, deadbeat parents, addictions, abuse, the objectification of women, pregnancy outside of wedlock. And when we discuss those things which truly threaten the family, why aren't we doing so with compassion, asking "how can we help?" instead of the fearful, "how can I isolate my family from the world?"  

Jann, I want to praise members like you who are brave enough to ask these questions. I want to thank members who are courageous enough to see the disparity and deeply feel the pain it causes and are willing to succor people like me nonetheless. It is brothers and sisters like you that successfully place my backside in that pew every Sunday to partake of the sacrament. It is you who gives me hope, especially in a place where being willing to see us with compassion is an insurmountable task. God bless you."

I could have written much of that post. These words especially touched me:  "I am active LDS, served a mission, attend the temple. I love to serve in YWs! I love to pay a full tithe! And, I pray every night that Heavenly Father will be merciful and let me die."

I don't think I've read sadder words in my life. They bring tears to my eyes every time I read them. I could have written those words. 

I also very  much feel as Emily does about those members who are brave enough to ask the hard questions. To reach out in love even though they don't understand. I have good people like that in my life. And I am very grateful. Especially as I make choice changes that bring me more in line with what I feel is my life's path. Who cry with me because they get a sense of just how difficult this choice is and what loss it certainly will bring with it.

 

An Unexpected Answer

If you’ve been following my blog much over the last little while, you know some of the angst I’ve been feeling – more so lately in the last year or more.

And over the past week, I’ve experienced a huge shift in focus. A new and unexpected piece to the puzzle of my life.

Something this big can’t, and didn’t just happen overnight. It has been at least two years in the making.

After I turned 40, I remember lying on my bed and thinking, and crying “Is this all that there is for me? If this is what my life, for the next 40 years is going to be like, I don’t want it.” And really, I had only been dealing with these things consciously for the past 10 years. During much of that time, my life has been a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions as I persisted in the idea that the decision I made, once I realized I was gay, to live a celibate life, was the right one. When I found it wasn’t working for me, that I was spiraling downward once again, I figured I just needed to be more patient, have more faith and that it would, eventually, all make sense and get better.

But that day, lying on my bed, I was overwhelmed with the thoughts and feelings of how in the world I was going to squeeze 40 more years out like that – alone, lost, hurting so deeply, confused. I need human connection. I'm not just talking about the few close friendships I have. They are wonderful, to be sure. But they can't, simply by their nature, fill me in the deep, soul connecting ways my soul craves. The need to belong to someone, and them to me. That is what I crave. What I have always craved. What the human soul searches for. And again the idea of living my life in a way that won't allow that made me not want to live my life at all.

But since I thought I had no choice, really, if I were to have the full love and support and acceptance of the Savior that was the only choice I felt I could make. But there was also a huge unbalance there. Because I also knew He wanted me to be happy. To live my life fully. But as I lay there on my bed, I knew I wasn't doing that. And I couldn't see how to do that.

My feelings were often so low, that many times over the past several years, I just wanted to swerve the steering wheel and drive over a cliff. Or hope that some semi would smash into me.

 I would rather not be here, than be here persistently feeling this way.

 I felt this would certainly be much simpler to deal with on the other side where I didn’t have a body to contend with.

How is that happy? How is that fulfilling? Choosing a life of solitude because I know I can't express certain levels of affection was bringing me more hurt, heart-ache and pain than any peace choosing righteously should have brought me. But I continued in that choice. And really, I didn’t think I could make any other choice, because as hard as it was, I thought for sure it was the right one. The only one. And that I just needed to keep persisting in that, hoping it would get better. Thinking maybe I could find enough peace in remaining separate from the deepest human connection to make it all okay.

Again. Up and down. Over the last two years, more downs than ups. More sorrow than peace. More hurt than joy. More questions than answers. And those answers that did come were always about being patient. The Lord knows me. Trust Him.

Then recently, I had a conversation with a friend that caused me to look once more at this whole issue. I realized I was in a hopeless situation. What I want most, connection, a significant other, someone to love and belong to, could never be a part of my life with the restrictions I had placed on such a relationship. It just couldn’t happen.

And for the first time, I had a reason to really stop and ask and consider what I was doing. What I wanted. What was working and what wasn’t and why. I had to consider if what I had been choosing really was the right thing for me. Was it going to provide me that which had become abundantly clear I needed in my life – that of deep human connection? Of being truly and completely open and honest with myself?

 For the first time, two choices became very clear to me - choose to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship and be in that fully, no restrictions, no boundaries. Or choose to stay single and celibate. Because trying to do both, have a fully connected relationship, while trying to remain celibate, wasn’t working. Rather, I was feeling more hurt, sadness, loss, anxiety, confusion and fear. None of which stems from the Savior.

So, I had a long conversation with the Lord not too long ago. Well, what really happened is He sent me over three hours worth of thoughts, ideas and impressions, with me asking a question here and there. I learned a lot of things that night, most of which I won't share, because they feel too personal to me. But what I did come away with, that I can and need to share is that the Lord knows how much I desire human connection. He also knows I am gay, that I always have been, that it wasn't something I chose, so I can't choose any course of action to reverse that. He knows I love Him. That I crave and seek His peace. And I haven't been very good at feeling that to the level I once did. He knows my heart. He knows my soul. He knows it better than I do. So while it wasn't unexpected to receive an answer from Him, the answer I did receive was unexpected.

I'm still sitting with it. Considering it and all that it entails. If I hadn't experienced it for myself, in addition to other confirming experiences, I wouldn't have believed it - not for me anyway. I could believe this answer for someone else, but not for me. And yet, here it was.

If I want to have a meaningful relationship in my life, and if the opportunity comes into my life, my choice now is to pursue that, and all that it entails. By doing so does not mean I have lost my testimony. It does not mean I love the Lord any less. On the contrary, I feel like I can more fully and honestly serve Him by living my full, complete self. Not just spiritually, but emotionally and physically.

This is a huge shift for me, so I've continued sitting with these thoughts and feelings. Recognizing and preparing for the inevitable loss that will most likely come with this decision. I will move on and forward with my life as I have always done. But now with a different focus to any potential and future relationships. The hope of having such a relationship has been opened up to me with the removal of the boundaries that would have kept something like that away.

And, as a friend of mine recently said: “There can be really tough things with which we are dealing or troubles we are going through, but when we know God has our back, there is an element of peace knowing we are in His hands and following a path He has endorsed for us.”

How much more true that feels when we realize the path he has endorsed for us is not what we thought it was all along.

A Private Conversation Inside My Head

I'm inviting you in. Please tread lightly.

Here's the thing - I will never be attracted to guys. I've tried. I really have. It's just not there. I didn't come wired that way. Therefore, I could never have a truly fulfilling, meaningful relationship with one. Not the way a soul craves.

So, I guess, ultimately I have two choices regarding future relationships with women:

Do I want a companion? For life? Do I want that ultimate connection that can exist between two people? Emotional, spiritual, physical, soulful? If so, I need to be able to go all in.

If I can't go all in, then I need to be okay with being single. Because asking someone I care the world about to keep up boundaries on what can and can't happen is just not fair.  I know this from painful experience. If there are boundaries on affection it is extremely damaging to the relationship, damaging to the other person, and frankly, can't last.  

Either choice will mean sacrificing something deeply important to me. Neither choice comes without heartache, pain, loss. But this choice I must make. It's the choice that all gay and lesbian members of the church must make. There is no good answer. 

Arguments for the first choice are generally reinforced with thoughts of the ultimate human connection and experience. 

Arguments for the second choice are generally reinforced with thoughts of eternity, and covenants. 

However, both arguments will and do ultimately rely on the atonement of Jesus Christ. And least in that there is some hope and comfort.

Oh to be straight and not be faced with questions like this. 

Why I Stay

I've had a ... thing. A thought. Mulling around in the back of my mind for quite a while now. I wasn't really aware it was there, but when it finally found actual words, ideas, I realized it had been there a while.

Especially the last week or so, it has come more clearly to the forefront of my mind. It was framed as a question. Not only by outside influences, but by my own inner-self.

Why do I stay? A part of and actively participating in the church?

As I've tried to answer that question, not just for others, but ultimately for myself, sometimes, most times, I couldn't think of a really compelling reason. Other than it feels like where I belong. Well, just in the last few days, I feel like I may have my compelling reason.

I am just as gay...actually maybe more so (is that possible?) than I've ever been, but...

I stay because:

1) Things need to change in people's hearts. That change cannot come by forces pushing against members of the church. It has to, is most effective when, it comes from the inside. If, as a 40-year, faithful member of the church, I leave, my potential influence for some kind of good is mostly lost. I would then be living only for myself. I must be too generous of a person to let that be okay. So I stay to help change hearts.

2) I deeply, truly, honestly love the Lord with all that I am. I feel like He wants me to stay. Even as imperfect, and sometimes extremely hurtful, and soul-wrenchingly difficult things within the church can sometimes be, He wants me to stay. Maybe its because of what I wrote above. I don't know. But I love the Lord. So I stay.

I don't know where my life will take me. I don't know that I will always be an "upstanding member" of the church. Because of my feelings about marriage equality, I may one day lose my Temple Recommend. I don't know the future.

But I do know that right now I'm staying. I'm here. And I'm happy.

How Many Times?

It happens pretty  much without fail. Every time I hit a new low, like is demonstrated in the previous post, I reach out in some way to the Lord. I write out my frustrations. I pray very honestly. And every time I reach out to Him, I find He is there reaching back. And once again I feel the reassurance, hope and love of His spirit envelope me like a blanket. And everything is okay again.

I love this song by Plumb. I've prayed these words many times in my life.

The Breaking Point

Most of my week is spent living at my place of employment. There is a house there in which I live, and have made quite cozy. But on my days off, I return to my real home which I share with my roommate and her three grown children.

Most weekends when I get home, there are messes to clean up. Sometimes not, if my roomie has been cleaning up messes that aren't hers. But sometimes she's too busy or too tired to clean things up.

Tonight I returned home late from work. The house was empty. Roomie is at a conference, and the grown children, I presume, are with their dad. And (not surprising) there were messes to clean up. Nearly ever cup in the house was dirty and sitting on the counter. Cereal, cookies, popcorn and popcorn bag, plates, bowls, utensils. Kitty litter that needed to be emptied. A garbage that was full and stinking.

Some nights I can deal with all of this, and brush it off. Not tonight. I began to feel very frustrated and angry. Granted, I was already a bit stressed over some financial issues, that are slowly working themselves out, but have weakened my emotional resolve. So the frustration began to boil.

As I cleaned this, that, and the next thing, I felt myself getting grumpier and more and more frustrated, and tired of the constant maid-service I perform for adult children. Angrier at the fact that not much has changed in the past 9 1/2 years that we have all lived together despite constant and consistent requests that they clean up after themselves. Okay, I do have to admit that in some areas things have gotten better. One of the children, anyway, does a pretty good job of cleaning things up. But at this point, I wasn't offering much praise.

And then I remember that this weekend is Stake Conference. And sometimes hurtful, judgmental, critical things are said about homosexuality. Or even just very obvious statements about what is ordained of God. What the path is that one must take. And my already frustrated feelings brought the realization that if something like that is said tomorrow, I would break and quit attending church.

I've said many times in my life that I can't imagine anything that could pull me away from the church, or shake my testimony. And suddenly I find myself in a place, a situation in which I could absolutely see that happening. Its been building over time. And I finally feel like I'm at my breaking point.

This wasn't about my love and faith in the Savior and His atonement. That remains intact. Just the church and the all too often hurtful things said by its leaders. I've thought about leaving before, mostly in passing. But then I think about all I would lose, and the people who would hurt over it. That is usually enough for me to refocus.

Not tonight. As I thought of those things and those people, I absolutely did not care. My response to any questions about my departure would involve the time after time of hurtful, critical and judgmental things said about homosexuality, and that I finally just broke.

I was feeling so angry, all I could think of were negatives. The Church is and does so much good in so many ways. I just couldn't see any of that, or maybe I didn't care to look for it.

I guess I was a little afraid and concerned about the intensity of these feelings, because I knelt down and just began letting it out all in a very frustrated, honest and tearful prayer. As I did so, I had some thoughts and ideas on things that I might try to help get me back to a positive, optimistic place. Things I had been neglecting. Things that are important to me. And I committed to including those things in my life again on a regular basis. To give it an honest effort to regain my balance, hope, peace, patience and understanding.

That helped me calm down and feel a little better. 

Now I just hope tomorrow's Stake Conference is a positive one. Because I'm still not sure how well I can handle criticism and judgmental, hurtful, unhelpful comments. 

Still Here

Yes. I'm still here.

This blog has been on my mind a lot lately, though I haven't had a lot I've needed to add. So it continues to sit un-updated.

But recently, I read another blog post that really spoke to me and touched me. So I thought I would link it here. I highly, strongly, really, really encourage you to go read it.

The Montgomery's have a son who recently came out to them. They are amazing parents and have been very open and  honest in the way they've struggled and learned to deal with this very complex issue.

Just in case you decide you just don't want to click on that link above, let me quote part of it.

"The [LDS] Church is acknowledging that the answers to homosexuality are far more complex than any of the answers they have provided in the past. Twice [on the website www.mormonsandgays.org] homosexuality is referred to as complex. For those who are living this reality, this probably seems like an understatement. But for members on the outside with no experience with such matters and no personal relationships with someone who is gay it seems cut and dry. They have very simple, easy, primary level answers for your life. Here are many of the simplistic answers we have heard from members of the Church:

Just pray harder and it will go away. We personally had two LDS Social Services therapists and members of our local Church leadership tell us that by just increasing our faith and the sincerity of our prayers, our son’s homosexuality would go away. No amount of prayer can change God’s will for someone’s life?

Everyone is expected to live the same law of chastity. If by living the same law you mean comparing being chaste before marriage to never being able to express any sexual desire for the entirety of your life, then no. The law of Chastity has completely different implications for the lives of LGBT individuals. This law is definitely not equal in its application.

Living celibate is no different than single members who never marry. No. One is living with hope and the ability to express and receive love even if it never matures to a marriage. The other is the suppression of every sexual desire and being taught that such desires are wrong and of the devil.

Being gay is just another temptation in life like a disposition to alcohol, drugs or violence. This was actually taught in at a stake youth event by our local Church leaders. This line of thinking begins with the assumption of deviancy in LGBT people. Another local Church leader counseled us that my 13 year old gay son should not share a room with his 7 year old brother, because heaven forbid what he might do to him. Being different does not make you inherently evil.

Being gay is only a condition of this life. You were not gay before and will be fixed in the afterlife. I am not sure if there is a more destructive theology. It teaches that you are fundamentally broken and cannot be fixed until the afterlife. Yet in all other respects, who we are and the character we develop and the intelligence we gain in this life all proceed with us to the next life. Except being gay. At best this is a flawed philosophy with no scriptural or moral basis."

Now, again, for the full story, please go read the blog post. 

Conference Weekend

Let me preface this by saying I have not lost, nor am I losing my testimony. I'm just frustrated.

I am writing this to shed some light on why some of what was said during conference this weekend was hard, and hurtful. Even though same-sex attraction and the issues surrounding that weren't spoken about outright, it was alluded to several times.

The weekend started out rough. I blurbed a little about it on facebook, but because I hadn't seen any of the Saturday sessions, I couldn't speak fully to what was said. But that little fb posting got a lot of attention. Many people messaged me personally, seeking to reassure me that all would be well, that I am a good person, and that God loves me. I really do appreciate that support, although those are things I never doubted.

I also got some great feedback from folks seeking to give comfort with the whole marriage thing - I guess based on my comment, they assumed I wish I could be married, to a man? I don't know. But marriage in and of itself is also not an issue for me. I support marriage and the family. I know I will never marry a man. And I am so okay with that. I will probably also never marry a woman. And I am okay with that as well. But here is what does bother me. Statements that say or imply things like, sexual intimacy is the supreme and ultimate connection in a marriage. It is the most wonderful blessing in a relationship. But sorry. It's only for straight people. If you are gay, and happen to fall in love, too bad for you. Just push those feelings away and stay single and celibate (and miserable). Or try harder to root out the natural man, in this case, your gay- ness. Because the only appropriate relationship is that between a man and a woman. Anything else is an abomination. Which means the way you feel and experience love is an abomination. That's what's hard. (Sorry, I know that is a little cynical, which doesn't suit me. But I do feel that way sometimes.)

Now, if you are still of the mind-set that what gay people are asked to do, in remaining celebate, is no different than what straight single people are asked to do, let me know. I will try and explain how and why those two situations are very, very different.

So when someone stands at the pulpit and expounds on the wonders and blessings found within the bonds of marriage, and that the only appropriate way to experience those blessings is with a spouse of the opposite sex, it truly feels like a slap in the face. To quote from my facebook thread: "What Wendy (and I and many others) is being asked to do is to eschew the very thing everyone else is being encouraged to seek out, because it is one of the greatest gifts The Lord has given us. She deserves more respect and admiration than one can imagine. Because many of us, myself included, can't do it anymore. Especially in light of the demonizing of what we feel." 

Yes, what we feel has been demonized by oh so many. And then we hear over and over and over again that what we experience and the needs and longings we have are not right, and will never qualify for blessings here and now that so many others experience. That is frustrating. That is hard. And it causes me to sometimes rant a little.

Now, lest you think my entire weekend was full of bitterness and hurt, it was not. Or if you worry that I am totally without hope, I am not. Here is what I gained from the Sunday talks:

* Hold fast to the hope that is in God. Walk towards the hope of a brighter life. God's light is real. It can heal the deepest wounds, enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It takes an act of faith to open our eyes to the hope of God's light. Darkness exists, but light exists also. Choose to walk in the light.

Hold to the ground you have won. Stand strong until additional knowledge comes. This is a divine work in progress. Be kind regarding human frailty. Fan the flames of your faith whatever doubts and questions you have.*

So I ask myself. Why do I stay? Even when there continues to be so much hurt with this issue steming from individulas who should be supportive, welcoming, sensative, and compassionate? I stay because some do show that sensative compassion.  And I stay, because I know those things I wrote above are true. Because the gospel of Jesus Christ is bigger than any individual. And my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the Savior are extremely and intimitatly personal. I stay, and I love and I continue to find hope, and seek to walk by faith because that is what my Savior wants me to do.

And in the end, that is all any of us can do. Live our lives the best we can according to our own, individual relationship with the Savior.