Some Life Lessons

I'm not sure how to word this post. All too often lately, I have spoken words out of self-absorption without really working through them or truly considering how they might affect another person. I don't want to do that again. Because the results have lead to inaccurate conclusions by others. Of course, I don't blame them. I'm sure if I were told some of the things I've said lately, I would come to the same conclusions, and they just aren't accurate. So with that vague introduction, what is it I want to say?

I need to preface this post with this: I am lazy by nature. Things that take too much effort, especially mental effort, I tend to minimize or avoid. I am not a deep thinker. I am not an analyzer. For me, those things just take too much effort, and I would rather be thinking about and focusing on lighter things. But then something happened several years ago that forced me to start digging internally.

I realized I was attracted to women. And I realized my self-esteem was in the toilet. My self-esteem was indeed "other-esteem".

Thus followed years of self work. Years of mental and emotional and spiritual work. Years of trying to find self-love, self-confidence, and self-worth. Realizing I was attracted to women was the catalyst to begin this more important work of discovering myself.

Ultimately this effort, combined with sincere prayer, lead me to a moment of true revelation where the Spirit was finally able to get through to me and show me a glimpse of who I was. It was a wonderful, sacred moment. I was at once not just mentally aware of my worth, but deeply, wholly and spiritually aware of it. I could with all honesty say I loved myself. Truly, deeply, and completely. It was a moment of true enlightenment.

This was such an incredible moment for me, that I was sure I would never forget the feelings of that day. I was sure I would never lose sight of who I was, my value and worth. That I would never again need others to show me my worth, because I received that assurance from a much greater and purer source.

Years went by and I found that when I was faced with moments of doubt that I only had to reflect back on that experience, and I was once again buoyed up and assured that I was of worth.  However, because my nature is still lazy, I recognize now that I quit making efforts to strengthen the truth that I had received. I quit working on my own self-worth truths. Why? Because I began getting that reassurance from another person. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. Not at all. But for someone who is lazy mentally and emotionally, receiving such powerful assurance of my worth from somewhere other than within allowed me to stop working on and cultivating it myself. Before too long, and without me even realizing it had happened, I once again was relying on "other-esteem".

And that could have continued indefinitely had not the one constant in life not occurred - change. A change began to happen with the person who I was receiving all my self-assurance from. As this change continued, progressed and more fully developed, I found my foundation of "self-worth" slipping from me. I tried to reflect back on that moment of revelation and stability, and found it lacked the power it once had for me. I had forgotten what it means to have self-worth. Forgotten it quite deeply. I had relied so heavily on the worth I felt from another, that I totally abandoned the effort to cultivate self-worth within.

Now, this is not to say that the other person withdrew everything emotionally strengthening from me. Not at all. But the change was enough, and my own foundation of worth so fragile, that I was not able to stand on my own during this change. I needed the validation, as it had always come, in order to be okay with myself. And while that validation and that love had not gone anywhere, it was different. And that was enough to cause my foundation to crumble from under me.

I realized with quite a bit self-disappointment what I had done. I had, unknowingly, put all my feelings of value and worth onto another person. I had become emotionally unhealthy once again. And placed a huge and un-fair burden onto another person.

I am so sorry.

I am also very grateful for this person's own sense of self to have the courage and understanding to move towards their own change as they felt they needed to.  Because it helped me to realize where I went wrong. And that I relied way to heavily on them for validation of my worth. That validation is my responsibility. Not theirs. I am sorry.

So now begins my journey once again. I must regain my own sense of self-worth. I must make the effort to find my value from within, notwithstanding any outward influence.

There is analogy for this. It is like doing bench presses in a gym.  I begin and struggle to lift the weight. I start out small and light, but over time I get strong enough and confident enough that I can lift the desired weight on my own. Then a spotter comes along to assist me. And gradually, I let the spotter do more and more of the work, while I simply go through the motions. But it is so gradual that neither of us realize who is carrying the majority of the weight. Then something changes, the spotter shifts their grip, changes their stance, removes a hand, and suddenly all the weight comes back to me. And because I haven't really been doing the work on my own for so long, I no longer have the strength to lift the desired weight. So now I have a choice, I can either whine and complain to the spotter to start lifting the weight again, so I can go through the motions of doing a bench press, or take that responsibility back to myself, and relearn how to lift the weight on my own. Of course, the best answer is clean. And although it's maybe a more difficult answer, it is the only real way to keep growing and learning. And this time I've hopefully learned what the spotter is truly for, being there to help if I get in over my head, but not carrying all the weight for me.

It may not be a perfect analogy, but to sum everything up, I have made an important realization - I have let my sense of worth rest squarely on the shoulders of another person. That is neither healthy nor fair. It is time for me to rediscover my own 'self' worth.