Journal Processing

Every now and then I like to include entries from past journals. Right now, I am looking at entries from about 9 years ago, when I first began my journey of figuring myself out. It's interesting to review and see what I was struggling with and consider if I've grown in that area since then. I'm happy to say that so far I can see I have grown and changed and increased in my depth of understanding. However, some things I find I do still worry about or struggle with.

Journal Entry
January 2, 2002

"What hit me tonight as I walked Harley was how afraid I am. Afraid I won't win, afraid it will be so hard, afraid of being labeled or judged - or that others will misunderstand. I need to be in control - control of who I am, in control of the choices I make. I do not want anyone, or any thing, any feeling, any habit, any addiction, anything controlling my choices. Controlling what I think or feel or do or say.

And I am afraid of that. Afraid that it will be so hard to not give in to my fears and temptations and weaknesses. I am afraid that others won't understand that, and will feel that I am just making myself more unhappy by trying to fight and stay in control. I am afraid that I will believe them because that is my habit - believe what others say over what I think I need or want - because I often do not trust my own opinion. I am afraid I will question and doubt my own feelings.

I am afraid of the challenge and the work that I face ahead of me. I just want this stuff to be over and that's it.

I am angry. Angry that I have to heal and fix all this stuff from my past. Stuff I didn't realize was happening - stuff I didn't realize was there - but now I have to deal with it. Now I have to fix it.

Is that the wrong attitude? Should I be grateful because this will bring me closer to my Heavenly Father? Maybe. But I still have to deal with it. It's still hard. And I am beginning to think this is something I will be dealing with my whole life! I don't want to. I want to do the healing now, and be done with it!

I thought I was getting better. But the more I go, the more I think about things and deal with things, the more I feel like I am not even remotely ready for much of any kind of relationship.

When I think about dating someone (men) - it really scares me. I don't think I am ready. I don't think I want to. But I know if someone asked, I would go - because well, partly out of curiosity - to see how it feels to date again. To see how I would react and feel about the situation all together. And just to have something to do. But mostly it would be out of curiosity to see how I feel with the whole thing.

I am human. I have weaknesses. The sooner I really and truly understand and accept this, the better off I will be. Because I am still hiding so much, I am sure. I am still trying to maintain some type of illusion that I am all okay. That all is well. When the truth is I don't think I really am. And that scares me. That makes me very afraid, and embarrassed, and nervous and insecure. 

I am embarrassed that I am not more in control than I would like to be, than I think I should be. I am embarrassed that I have insecurities, that I have weaknesses, that I have fears. Why? Why does that embarrass me? Why does it embarrass me not to be in control? To have fears, to have questions?

I thought back in September (2001) that if I opened up, confessed, was honest with myself and others, I would heal. I didn't realize then that the wound ran so deep."