I often feel Homesick, with a capital H. Sometimes I even ask my Father to please let me come Home now. I'm ready. It's not that I'm unhappy here. Not at all. I just know there is so much more waiting for me, and I'm ready to move on. Just like I was happy working at Wasatch Mountain State Park, but was ready to move on. And when I did, I found it was the perfect thing for me. I love where I'm working now. I love who I'm working with, and the opportunities that are there for me.
It feels like that with wanting to go Home. I am happy here. I like the people in my life. But I'm ready to move On.
I was thinking this again today in sacrament meeting. Not sure what brought it up. The thoughts and feelings just come now and then. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed or tired. Sometimes they just come. My Heavenly Home is just as real to me as this one and my spirit just longs to return.
So today in sacrament meeting, I wondered a bit why I can't go back. I had all kinds of thoughts about learning and growing, all of which I could continue to do there. Then the thought came to me that this life experience isn't just about me getting a body and learning and growing. It's about other people. Helping them to travel the road more easily. Helping them to gain a testimony and understanding of the Lord's Plan for them. Helping to build the Kingdom of God. And that's why I'm still here. I still have a lot to in that regard. I need to help others along the way.
And just now I realized that part of this mortal experience is learning to be more like the Savior who spent His entire life serving and helping others. I still have a long way to go before I can say I truly follow the Savior's example. I have many selfish tendencies that I need to learn to let go of before I could truly return home with honor.
So for me, the concept of enduring to the end is less about overcoming trials and such, it's having to wait to go Home. And while I'm waiting, I have a lot to do, and many things to learn.
Wendy, I understand a lot of how you feel. Please accept this comment in the spirit of true concern for you and desire to share what I learned as I also struggled to reconcile being gay with being Mormon.
ReplyDeleteI ultimately realized that, even if all the motivations seem good, the church has the effect of coercing its members to ignore so much of what's around them in this life as it keeps them so incredibly busy and inwardly focused.
I and others have used the analogy of monochrome sunglasses; those of us born and raised LDS have them on 24/7 and we think the world looks that way all the time, and that it does to everybody. But when we allow ourselves to put them aside, stop thinking of this world in terms of planning for the next one and just allow ourselves to be who we are, accept the world as it is, stop obsessing about where we end up and simply do our best here as if this life really were all we have, then it's amazing what happens.
The world lights up with millions of colors never seen before, with a brightness and glow I never imagined. It becomes so much more magnificent, grander, more mysterious and amazing. It's so ironic that since I stopped trying to force myself to be what the church said I should be, and instead just accepted myself the way I was created, I truly believe I've become a far better Christian than ever before.
So if I could give you any advice that I really think would help you feel better, it'd be to stop thinking about the next life so much. Focus on what you've got here and now. None of us really knows much at all about what comes next. We don't know how the eternities work. There's so much that's good and beautiful and amazing in this life that a relentless focus on the next life will cause you to miss. Enjoy what you have here, now. Make the very best of your life here, and let the future happen as it may.
Rob, I appreciate your thoughts. I guess my post came across as me feeling depressed and a bit lost. That's not the case at all. I feel like my heart and mind are both very open to this world and all it truly has to offer. I feel like I do see this life in all it's amazing colors. I do not feel lost or trapped, or that I have blinders on. I know exactly what I'm choosing to do, and I know the alternative(s)as well.
ReplyDeleteI have full faith and confidence in my Savior. I know He knows me, and He knows you, and He knows each of us much better than we know ourselves. And He loves us much more completely than we know ourselves. Each of us has our own path we feel we must follow. Mine is to stay true to who I am, to who I REALLY am, and who I've always been - and that is a daughter of my Father in Heaven. And with that, I feel best about myself and my life when I follow the path I feel He has set out for me. I know there are other paths that can bring joy and fulfillment and different perspectives. I am not blind to that at all. I just know what path feels right and best for me, and so I follow it.
And finally, I have to disagree with your comment that: "the church has the effect of coercing its members to ignore so much of what's around them in this life as it keeps them so incredibly busy and inwardly focused." If anything, the Church is what helps me focus outward rather than inward, and to learn and grow and gain as much knowledge and understanding as I can in so many different areas.
I do agree with this: "There's so much that's good and beautiful and amazing in this life that a relentless focus on the next life will cause you to miss."
ReplyDeleteI love living in the "now". This world is amazing. There is good everywhere if we look for it. My post isn't about me relentlessly focusing on the next life. But it does come up sometimes. That's all. And now I realize there is more for me to do and learn here and now. And that is where my focus must be.