Some thoughts, feelings and questions I've had lately:
Church councils. I wonder about these more so than I ever have before because my roomie is going through one today, for an issue that ultimately she can't really do anything about and remain who she is. I was really struggling with this idea the other night, and the thought came to me that if anything were to put a wedge between me and my testimony of the church, it would be this. If she is excommunicated, what chance does she have of ever coming back in to full fellowship in the church, with all the rights, blessings and privileges available? Again, only if she gives up a big portion of who she is, and chooses to live a half life. And yet, she is one of the most spiritual, god-fearing people I know. She seeks and follows God's will for her as she feels she receives it. She loves the Lord with all her heart. She has a testimony of the gospel in its fulness. Of Joseph Smith, the Book of Mormon, priesthood, prophets, personal revelation, the Atonement of the Savior. So to excommunicate someone like that just feels wrong and not helpful at all.When someone has that kind of love for the Savior, and for Prophets, and the gospel, to excommunicate them and take away the very things they likely need for support has always felt wrong to me. If they are struggling with something, help them. Don't punish them. Unless they have no desire to remain attached to the church. Or are preaching false, vain and foolish doctrine and are trying to lead others away, or bash and destroy the church. Otherwise, let them keep their membership in the church. Let them serve. Let them participate and be strengthened by that activity.
But even in this she has been an example to me. Whatever the decision today, she isn't going anywhere. She isn't going to speak negatively of church leaders. She understands that this won't change her relationship with the Savior, or affect His love for her in the least. She isn't about to leave the Church, despite some of the flaws that might exist within some of the policies and practices. She is truly an example to me in this.
So, I must follow her example and just trust. Trust that whatever happens today, her relationship with her Savior is intact. Though she will miss out on many of the blessings of the gospel, some of which are very personally important, she is still led and guided by His Spirit. She still follows His will for her in her life as she understands it. I need to trust also.
One of the things that has come to my mind that brings me some hope and comfort, and maybe a little understanding is Article of Faith 9: "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal,
and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things
pertaining to the Kingdom of God."
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true and living Church of Christ on earth. I know that it contains "all that God has revealed" up to this point in history. In that sense, it does contain His fullness. But, there are "many great and important things" yet to be revealed. I don't know what that is. But I do know that we don't yet know all things. Our understanding, our ways, are not His ways. And "that all things work together for good to them that love God."(Romans 8:28)
That is what I have to hang onto. Trust and have faith.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Not Really All That Off-Balance
Being released really affected me much more so than I expected. That, on top of the difficult news my roommate is dealing with, left me very emotional.
However, like is normally the case, I talked about it, I wrote about, I let things settle out and settle down, and I find I'm not really as off-balance as I was feeling. Momentarily, sure. But truthfully, and long-term? No. Putting things on paper, talking about them, sharing them in some way, really does help me. It doesn't change any particular circumstance, but somehow it releases some kind of pent-up energy, that, once gone, seems to re-stabilize my soul, my heart. Nothing needs to change. Nothing needs to be "set right". Everything really is and will be okay.
I have found this to be true over and over again with difficult things. Especially things dealing with my heart. If I can just share the hurt, or the fear or the feelings, they tend to ease up. I don't know what it is exactly. Maybe just being seen, being heard. Knowing that my feelings are known. It helps.
However, like is normally the case, I talked about it, I wrote about, I let things settle out and settle down, and I find I'm not really as off-balance as I was feeling. Momentarily, sure. But truthfully, and long-term? No. Putting things on paper, talking about them, sharing them in some way, really does help me. It doesn't change any particular circumstance, but somehow it releases some kind of pent-up energy, that, once gone, seems to re-stabilize my soul, my heart. Nothing needs to change. Nothing needs to be "set right". Everything really is and will be okay.
I have found this to be true over and over again with difficult things. Especially things dealing with my heart. If I can just share the hurt, or the fear or the feelings, they tend to ease up. I don't know what it is exactly. Maybe just being seen, being heard. Knowing that my feelings are known. It helps.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Off-Balance
I've been an emotional wreck this weekend.
Much of what has been a part of my life, has been a stabilizing force in my life, has given me identity over the past 8 years has or is ending, changing. And it isn't so much that things have changed, because change is constant, it's that the things that have changed have given me more stability and identity than I realized. I'm finding I don't know how to cope with these loses. I'm feeling unraveled and not sure where or how to proceed.
I was released from an organization I've been a part of for the past 7 years. I didn't realize it, but that calling has defined me in so many ways. It has given me purpose and direction. My relationship with my roommate has shifted dramatically over the past couple of years, and that has caused me some heartache and insecurity. And she is currently facing a very difficult time and change in her own life, which leaves me aching for her.
Each of these things has given me more security, direction and identity than I realized. With their loss, I feel unsure and disconnected with the direction my life will and should take, even a little bit with who I am.
Much of what has been a part of my life, has been a stabilizing force in my life, has given me identity over the past 8 years has or is ending, changing. And it isn't so much that things have changed, because change is constant, it's that the things that have changed have given me more stability and identity than I realized. I'm finding I don't know how to cope with these loses. I'm feeling unraveled and not sure where or how to proceed.
I was released from an organization I've been a part of for the past 7 years. I didn't realize it, but that calling has defined me in so many ways. It has given me purpose and direction. My relationship with my roommate has shifted dramatically over the past couple of years, and that has caused me some heartache and insecurity. And she is currently facing a very difficult time and change in her own life, which leaves me aching for her.
Each of these things has given me more security, direction and identity than I realized. With their loss, I feel unsure and disconnected with the direction my life will and should take, even a little bit with who I am.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Spirit
I love it when the spirit confirms truth to me. I may not understand everything I am hearing or receiving, and may still have questions about it all, but there is great peace in knowing I have been taught truth.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Um...I'm not sure
Ah, life's puzzles.
I'm working on a few right now. On one, probably the biggest one, bits and pieces are coming together and it looks promising. So I keep working on it, and it's looking pretty good, though sometimes the pieces are hard to find and some are harder to put together than others. But I'm liking it over all. However, just recently as I began trying to figure out one section,I began having unkind feelings towards it. So much so that I wanted to throw the entire puzzle away. I'm not really sure what that would have accomplished. But that one section made me forget the goodness of the rest of the puzzle.And it made me bitter and cold.
But now, after a little time, as I remember that that is just one section and not the entire puzzle, I need to find a way to get past the part that gives me unkind feelings. Do I just ignore it, and pretend it isn't there? Avoid looking at that section? Or do I just keep working on the puzzle as a whole, here a piece, there a piece and trust the process of puzzle building? That process being to understand that while putting the puzzle together, it might not really be clear or make sense. But once it's finished, the picture becomes clear, and you realize all the pieces had a place and a purpose. All the while realizing that sometimes I'm going to pick up a piece that goes in that difficult section. And the best thing to do is to just accept it for what it is, a piece of the puzzle that needs a place. And work to find that place, then move on.
I know that dwelling on that one unpleasant section won't get me anywhere. Except filled with more unkindness. And you know, I don't really like that feeling. I prefer to see the goodness that this puzzle is full of.
Yeah, that certainly feels better. So on I go, putting the pieces of the puzzle together, trusting in the process.
I'm working on a few right now. On one, probably the biggest one, bits and pieces are coming together and it looks promising. So I keep working on it, and it's looking pretty good, though sometimes the pieces are hard to find and some are harder to put together than others. But I'm liking it over all. However, just recently as I began trying to figure out one section,I began having unkind feelings towards it. So much so that I wanted to throw the entire puzzle away. I'm not really sure what that would have accomplished. But that one section made me forget the goodness of the rest of the puzzle.And it made me bitter and cold.
But now, after a little time, as I remember that that is just one section and not the entire puzzle, I need to find a way to get past the part that gives me unkind feelings. Do I just ignore it, and pretend it isn't there? Avoid looking at that section? Or do I just keep working on the puzzle as a whole, here a piece, there a piece and trust the process of puzzle building? That process being to understand that while putting the puzzle together, it might not really be clear or make sense. But once it's finished, the picture becomes clear, and you realize all the pieces had a place and a purpose. All the while realizing that sometimes I'm going to pick up a piece that goes in that difficult section. And the best thing to do is to just accept it for what it is, a piece of the puzzle that needs a place. And work to find that place, then move on.
I know that dwelling on that one unpleasant section won't get me anywhere. Except filled with more unkindness. And you know, I don't really like that feeling. I prefer to see the goodness that this puzzle is full of.
Yeah, that certainly feels better. So on I go, putting the pieces of the puzzle together, trusting in the process.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Gratitude Challenge
I generally take some time each night to read from the Scriptures, but because I'm a dork, I didn't have them with me last night. So I picked up the December 2011 Ensign and read the first article by Henry B. Eyring - "The Choice to Be Grateful", and I was grateful for the way it touched me.
Following the main article, there was a section for youth entitled "Take A Gratitude Challenge" encouraging us to make a list of 100 things you are grateful for. To make it easier, there are 10 categories. I liked the idea. So I'm doing it here. This might be long, who knows. Of course you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
10 physical abilities you are grateful for:
1. I can walk
2. I can see
3. I can hear
4. I can taste
5. My lungs work
6. My heart works
7. I have use of all my limbs
8. I have a healthy body
9. I can ride a bike
10. I can play the guitar
10 material possessions you are grateful for:
1. My home
2. My car
3. My bike
4. My guitar
5. Clothes
6. Food
7. Indoor plumbing
8. A water heater
9. A heater/AC
10. Computer
10 living people you are grateful for (I have to combine these or this list will get really long)
1. My Savior
2. Mom and Dad
3. Grandma W.
4.Older Brother/Wife and their kids
5. Sister/Husband and their kids
6. Younger Brother and his kids
7. Roommate and her kids - who have become my family
8. President Monson and his counselors
9. My wonderful friend who teaches me guitar
10. R, M, S, O - all great camp friends
10 deceased people you are grateful for:
1. Grandma R
2. Grandpa R.
3. Grandpa W.
4. Ancestors who I feel I've come to know - so many of them
5. Joseph Smith
6. President Hinckly and Sis. Hinckly
7. Nephi
8. Mormon
9. Captain Moroni
10. John the Baptist
10 things about nature you are grateful for: (Just 10? - lol)
1. Sunrises
2. Sunsets
3. Majestic mountains
4. Rustling leaves
5. Berry bushes
6. The smell of rain
7. Clouds
8. Rich soil
9. Singing birds
10. Thunder storms
10 things about today you are grateful for:
1. The sun is shining
2. The temperature is mild
3. I am working
4. I've chatted with my roomie
5. I feel grateful for life
6. I've eaten breakfast
7. I am healthy
8. Doctors who are wise and cautious
9. My family are all alive and well
10. I just chatted with my mommy
10 places on earth you are grateful for:
1. My home (both at home and at work)
2. This beautiful park in which I work
3. Temple Square - and any Temple grounds
4. Machu picchu (I'm going there someday)
5. Beautiful, rugged mountains - anywhere
6. Alaska (I'm going there someday, too)
7. Redwood forest (I'm going there someday, too)
8. The homes of my family members
9. The Sacred Grove
10. My back porch - where I can sit and watch the sunset
10 modern inventions you are grateful for:
1. Computer
2. Cell phones
3. Electricity
4. Indoor plumbing
5. Heaters and Air Conditioners
6. Automobiles
7. Air planes
8. The internet
9. Television
10. Cameras
10 foods you are grateful for: (again only 10?)
1. Oatmeal
2. Granola Bars
3. Potatoes
4. Pasta
5. Ice Cream
6. Brownies
7. Scrumptious salads and all the veggies that go with that
8. Chicken
9. Panda Express
10. Bread
10 things about the gospel you are grateful for:
1. It's restoration
2. The Atonement
3. Living Prophets and Apostles
4. The Priesthood
5. Modern Revelation
6. My Testimony of the Plan of Salvation
7. Temples
8. My calling
9. Programs of the LDS church that allow me to grow and learn
10. Scriptures
Well now, that was fun.
And now I'm going on a hike for work. And I'm grateful for a job that allows me to do that.
Following the main article, there was a section for youth entitled "Take A Gratitude Challenge" encouraging us to make a list of 100 things you are grateful for. To make it easier, there are 10 categories. I liked the idea. So I'm doing it here. This might be long, who knows. Of course you don't have to read it if you don't want to.
10 physical abilities you are grateful for:
1. I can walk
2. I can see
3. I can hear
4. I can taste
5. My lungs work
6. My heart works
7. I have use of all my limbs
8. I have a healthy body
9. I can ride a bike
10. I can play the guitar
10 material possessions you are grateful for:
1. My home
2. My car
3. My bike
4. My guitar
5. Clothes
6. Food
7. Indoor plumbing
8. A water heater
9. A heater/AC
10. Computer
10 living people you are grateful for (I have to combine these or this list will get really long)
1. My Savior
2. Mom and Dad
3. Grandma W.
4.Older Brother/Wife and their kids
5. Sister/Husband and their kids
6. Younger Brother and his kids
7. Roommate and her kids - who have become my family
8. President Monson and his counselors
9. My wonderful friend who teaches me guitar
10. R, M, S, O - all great camp friends
10 deceased people you are grateful for:
1. Grandma R
2. Grandpa R.
3. Grandpa W.
4. Ancestors who I feel I've come to know - so many of them
5. Joseph Smith
6. President Hinckly and Sis. Hinckly
7. Nephi
8. Mormon
9. Captain Moroni
10. John the Baptist
10 things about nature you are grateful for: (Just 10? - lol)
1. Sunrises
2. Sunsets
3. Majestic mountains
4. Rustling leaves
5. Berry bushes
6. The smell of rain
7. Clouds
8. Rich soil
9. Singing birds
10. Thunder storms
10 things about today you are grateful for:
1. The sun is shining
2. The temperature is mild
3. I am working
4. I've chatted with my roomie
5. I feel grateful for life
6. I've eaten breakfast
7. I am healthy
8. Doctors who are wise and cautious
9. My family are all alive and well
10. I just chatted with my mommy
10 places on earth you are grateful for:
1. My home (both at home and at work)
2. This beautiful park in which I work
3. Temple Square - and any Temple grounds
4. Machu picchu (I'm going there someday)
5. Beautiful, rugged mountains - anywhere
6. Alaska (I'm going there someday, too)
7. Redwood forest (I'm going there someday, too)
8. The homes of my family members
9. The Sacred Grove
10. My back porch - where I can sit and watch the sunset
10 modern inventions you are grateful for:
1. Computer
2. Cell phones
3. Electricity
4. Indoor plumbing
5. Heaters and Air Conditioners
6. Automobiles
7. Air planes
8. The internet
9. Television
10. Cameras
10 foods you are grateful for: (again only 10?)
1. Oatmeal
2. Granola Bars
3. Potatoes
4. Pasta
5. Ice Cream
6. Brownies
7. Scrumptious salads and all the veggies that go with that
8. Chicken
9. Panda Express
10. Bread
10 things about the gospel you are grateful for:
1. It's restoration
2. The Atonement
3. Living Prophets and Apostles
4. The Priesthood
5. Modern Revelation
6. My Testimony of the Plan of Salvation
7. Temples
8. My calling
9. Programs of the LDS church that allow me to grow and learn
10. Scriptures
Well now, that was fun.
And now I'm going on a hike for work. And I'm grateful for a job that allows me to do that.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Stress
Stress apparently seems to cause my emotional resolve and steadiness to waver and crack.
I'm feeling less sure of myself. Less sure of my ability to cope successfully with anything that involves more than thinking about what to have for lunch. Things that really shouldn't get to me, are getting to me.
I really don't like that. Because it has an affect on other people as well.
I'm tired. So very tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.
I'm feeling less sure of myself. Less sure of my ability to cope successfully with anything that involves more than thinking about what to have for lunch. Things that really shouldn't get to me, are getting to me.
I really don't like that. Because it has an affect on other people as well.
I'm tired. So very tired. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.
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