Accepting, Learning, Living

Accepting:
I've gone from complete denial about my attractions, to mostly in denial but still hiding from them, to accepting that they are there, but being bound and determined to make them go away or turn into something more "normal", to accepting that they are indeed a part of who I am and a part of my experience in life.

Learning:
For the rest of my life I get to learn. I get to learn about things. I get to learn about people. I get to learn about myself and how I function, how I handle things, how I act or react to different situations. I get to learn how to manage my thoughts, ideas and feelings. I get to learn how to communicate better. I get to learn what my triggers are and how to avoid them, or even better, how to deal with them effectively.

There are so many things to learn, and the best way to do that is to live.

Living:
My attractions are indeed a part of me, and they aren't going away. But I am not about to pull inside of myself and stop living. I am not about to hide from people out of fear that I might find myself crushing on someone, or being totally smitten by someone. How can I ever truly learn to manage my feelings in an acceptable way to myself if I close myself off to connecting with people? I need people. And I really enjoy connecting with them. I'm not saying I'm good at connecting, but when I can, I enjoy it. But if I worried that I might fall for someone if I let myself get too close, then I would likely end up living a very isolated life and learning very little about myself. That doesn't sound fun to me at all.

There are places and situations that are best left alone - but not necessarily because of this SSA stuff. More so because of the potential loss of the Spirit that might occur.  Otherwise, I believe that hiding only delays learning and growth. Sure, I might find myself in a situation that is emotionally and/or mentally taxing, but by facing that, and doing so honestly and diligently, I can learn and grow and become a better person overall.

When I was going through therapy I had to deal with and face many challenging, painful and emotionally taxing and draining things. I could have avoided going to those places, because it was hard. But then where would I be? Still stuck where I was. Rather, I adopted an attitude of "Hard is not bad". In other words, it's okay to go through and face hard things. And now I feel like a very much improved version of myself. I grew and gained a lot of personal knowledge and understanding - on levels physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

I wouldn't give that up just to avoid potentially painful or hard situations.

Journal Processing

Every now and then I like to include entries from past journals. Right now, I am looking at entries from about 9 years ago, when I first began my journey of figuring myself out. It's interesting to review and see what I was struggling with and consider if I've grown in that area since then. I'm happy to say that so far I can see I have grown and changed and increased in my depth of understanding. However, some things I find I do still worry about or struggle with.

Journal Entry
January 2, 2002

"What hit me tonight as I walked Harley was how afraid I am. Afraid I won't win, afraid it will be so hard, afraid of being labeled or judged - or that others will misunderstand. I need to be in control - control of who I am, in control of the choices I make. I do not want anyone, or any thing, any feeling, any habit, any addiction, anything controlling my choices. Controlling what I think or feel or do or say.

And I am afraid of that. Afraid that it will be so hard to not give in to my fears and temptations and weaknesses. I am afraid that others won't understand that, and will feel that I am just making myself more unhappy by trying to fight and stay in control. I am afraid that I will believe them because that is my habit - believe what others say over what I think I need or want - because I often do not trust my own opinion. I am afraid I will question and doubt my own feelings.

I am afraid of the challenge and the work that I face ahead of me. I just want this stuff to be over and that's it.

I am angry. Angry that I have to heal and fix all this stuff from my past. Stuff I didn't realize was happening - stuff I didn't realize was there - but now I have to deal with it. Now I have to fix it.

Is that the wrong attitude? Should I be grateful because this will bring me closer to my Heavenly Father? Maybe. But I still have to deal with it. It's still hard. And I am beginning to think this is something I will be dealing with my whole life! I don't want to. I want to do the healing now, and be done with it!

I thought I was getting better. But the more I go, the more I think about things and deal with things, the more I feel like I am not even remotely ready for much of any kind of relationship.

When I think about dating someone (men) - it really scares me. I don't think I am ready. I don't think I want to. But I know if someone asked, I would go - because well, partly out of curiosity - to see how it feels to date again. To see how I would react and feel about the situation all together. And just to have something to do. But mostly it would be out of curiosity to see how I feel with the whole thing.

I am human. I have weaknesses. The sooner I really and truly understand and accept this, the better off I will be. Because I am still hiding so much, I am sure. I am still trying to maintain some type of illusion that I am all okay. That all is well. When the truth is I don't think I really am. And that scares me. That makes me very afraid, and embarrassed, and nervous and insecure. 

I am embarrassed that I am not more in control than I would like to be, than I think I should be. I am embarrassed that I have insecurities, that I have weaknesses, that I have fears. Why? Why does that embarrass me? Why does it embarrass me not to be in control? To have fears, to have questions?

I thought back in September (2001) that if I opened up, confessed, was honest with myself and others, I would heal. I didn't realize then that the wound ran so deep."

Puzzles, puzzles

How does one (me for example) develop a friendship with someone who in all reality hates them? But the reason this person hates me has nothing really do with me as a person. Yet there is very little, okay NO, willingness to find out who "me as a peron" is. But somehow this friendship must form in order to allow other things in both of our lives to continue on with fewer bumps and broken parts. Is it even possible when one is willing and the other is very much less than willing?  I don't know if it is. And that just means a certain amount of tension and angst will always remain. Which is sad. Because it doesn't have to.

I'm not sure I can solve this puzzle. But it's one I keep fiddling with, because I feel there is something great there. Something worth seeing, finding and discovering. Unfortunatley, this puzzle may have some vital pieces missing, and therefore it might never be what it truly has the potential of becoming.

Wendyphobia

So it appears my very existence causes incredible fear, uncertainty, discomfort, discord, unrest and even some feelings of hatred.  These are not happy feelings. It bothers me a lot that I inspire them in some people - simply because I exist in the life of my roommate, someone I care very deeply about.

It has always been my desire to have someone act in a certain way towards me out of respect. Who wouldn't want this? But this is not respect. This is blind, unfair judgment. And it bothers me a lot. What also bothers me are how these assumptions and judgments affect my roommate.

I am a kind person. A good person. A fair and caring person. I try to be unselfish, understanding and supportive. These are the qualities I would like to have considered when deciding what I'm all about. Not feelings based on assumptions and zero effort to get to know who I am and who I am not.

 I know I've made my share of mistakes, times when I could have and should have shown more concern and respect for others and their feelings. Maybe this is just Karma coming back around in a very funky and convoluted way.

What I do know is that I wish there was something I could do or say to help ease this Wendyphobia. I really hate being viewed as the opponent and the enemy. And it frustrates me how those phobic feelings by some affect the lives of others I care about.

Touch

My libido is almost non-existent.  I can't say why that is. So living the law of chastity has been a not-so-difficult thing for me. My attractions are almost never sexually driven. But they are deeply connection driven.

We all have what are known as Love Languages:

• Words of Affirmation

  Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

• Quality Time

  In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

• Receiving Gifts

  Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

• Acts of Service

  Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

• Physical Touch

  This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

A few of these languages speak loudly to me - physical touch, quality time and words of affection. Of these, however, physical touch outweighs them all.  And for me, it is not about "the bedroom" at all. I haven't always recognized the power of touch for me, but over the past several years, that aspect of my life has come into clear focus. I love and crave touch. And just as it says above, "Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face" are all very meaningful for me. They are healing, validating, and confirm any words of affirmation that are spoken.

I often "purr" inside with touch - even the simplest touch. I've been known to purr out loud as well. I don't know what it is about even the act of touch that reaches me so deeply and means so much to me, but even my favorite person resting her arm on my head, while silly, is so meaningful to me.

Maybe because my personal boundaries don't allow sexually intimate touch to show and receive affection (the times I have gone there, or as close as I've been able to were always hit and miss with me - sometimes I was fine, other times not. The uncertainty of how I would react made the act very unsettling), all I do have is simple touch, and so I long for it, need it, am lifted by it as others would be through more sexual contact. It means that someone else loves me enough to want to connect with me both emotionally and physically. It means I am wanted, chosen, loved, and that another person is glad to have me around, right there.

Trials and Faith

The other night I attended a Relief Society activity where we had a wonderful guest speaker talk about some of the trials she has faced and how she has endured them. She was a wonderful speaker. Very funny. Very real. She lost her eyesight to cancer and she talked about how she dealt with that. She found so much humor in her situation - I think it takes a special kind of person to be able to find humor in some of what she went through. They became funny and enjoyable experiences only because of her attitude. Many other people, I am sure, might just hole up, become distant, avoid all possible situations that might be difficult or uncomfortable. So I am very grateful that she was able to show an example that even some of the most difficult situations can be seen as the glass half full.

One of the comments she made that really stuck out to me was when she was talking about how she knew that Christ could heal her sight. He could remove the cancer and heal her vision. She said she had enough faith for that to happen. I know I have felt that way also about being gay. When I first recognized my feelings for what they were, I knew they could change. I knew Christ could "heal" me, and help me to have natural feelings for men. There was no doubt in my mind that that could and would happen, because of my faith in Him and my desire for obedience.

But for both this sister, and for me, the desires of our hearts and the efforts of our faith were not experienced. Rather, she and I (and so many other people) get to keep our trials. What struck me was that she said, "It takes more faith to live with your trials than to have them removed." That statement hit home for me. How true that is.

Yes, I could have my gay-ness removed from me. And could go on to experience life as a happy, straight person (with other trials, of course). But honestly, my faith is tested and strengthened and challenged and made to grow because my trial has not be removed. It is this trial that helps me to increase my faith. Use my faith. Rely on hope. Rely on the Savior.

She also spoke about how hurt and offended she feels when people tell her she is such a strong person for being able to go through this - because "the Lord won't give you anything you can't handle."  Why be offended and hurt by that? Because she can't handle this trial. I can't handle my trial(s). So really, I am weak. She is weak. How nice to have someone point that out.

We can't handle these trials. And we aren't supposed to be able to. That is exactly why we have a Savior. He is there to literally save us, because we can't handle these things on our own.

I need the Savior. He gives me strength. Helps to pull me through tough times. Is there to comfort me when I fall. And I do fall. He supports me and is patient with me as I make my mistakes, have my temper tantrums, and want to quit.

It takes so much more faith to live with our trials than to have them taken away. I am grateful that Lord is concerned with having me grow, and learn and progress more than allowing me an easier time on this earth. Because ultimately, that growth, learning and progress will and does bring me more joy than I could find otherwise.

Needing to Feel Loved

Journal Entry
October 7, 2001

"My...future is unsure. And I guess I am feeling a bit depressed about that. The ever present struggle with whether I am loved or cared about. If I matter. I know people love me, but for some reason I need reaffirming of that often. I need to feel it more than I do...."

October 11, 2001

"I'm in one of my moods where I need to be needed, where I need to know I am cared about. I am not sure what brings that on - I bet if I sat and thought long enough I could get to the core.

I need to somehow learn how to love myself - to be okay with who I am. To recognize my weaknesses and work to overcome them, but love them because they are a part of me. Or at least to recognize the effort I put into overcoming that stuff. To be ok with my feelings and the way I choose to deal with them or not.

I need to be loved - not just by a friend or my mom - but I need someone to love me, and want to be with me. Someone who I can love in return. And right now the only love I am getting is from my family and my friends - who are all women. That puts my mind and my heart in places I don't feel good going. Same sex relationships can only go as far as a good friend - not any deeper. But because I long to be loved and needed, I am finding myself looking more to my friends for that love. And that is just messing with my mind and my heart in a way that they don't need to be messed with.

I am going to talk to a counselor about all of this and pray that she can help me sort through it all. The more I have the spirit with me, the stronger I am. I need to trust in and lean on the savior."