Ultimately, the decision was excommunication....My heart is broken....
While it wasn't unexpected, it is still very painful. There truly is a little less of me.
Over the past two days, while I've been distracted, I've dealt with this okay. However, today, I found myself without any distractions, and I sobbed. My broken heart sobbed. I drove up one of our beautiful canyons and sat looking out over the views while I cried and thought.
I have been excommunicated. Ripped from my community. It's extremely painful, hurtful. Removed from my community because of who I am. Who I love. Who I choose to spend my life with. I have been removed from the church because of love.
While my relationship with and feelings about the church have changed over the past few years, it's still my home. The place I have gained so much from and given so much to. I hurt and mourn as if I've lost a loved one. Lost part of myself. Because I have.
I've been told that this doesn't change who I am. But it does change how I feel, which does/can change who I am. But I hope, ultimately, the change is for the better. That I become a better person; more compassionate, understanding, gentle, kind. More giving. More loving. More aware of others and their needs, hurts, feelings. More Christlike. Closer to my Savior simply for the sake of my relationship with Him, and not because it's expected of me to strive to become so. More focused on giving of myself to others. Not because I've been assigned to serve them, but simply and purely because I love them.
If I can become a more caring, honest, compassionate person because of this, then, perhaps it will have been worth it.
If I can come closer to my Savior because of this, then perhaps the hurt and pain can be turned into peace and joy. Hope and comfort.
"Less of me", then, could also be expressed in the lyrics of the following song:
Let me be a little kinder
Let me be a little blinder
To the faults of those about me
Let me praise a little more
Let me be when I am weary
Just a little bit more cheery
Think a little more of others
And a little less of me
Let me be a little braver
When temptation bids me waver
Let me strive a little harder
To be all that I should be
Let me be a little meeker
With the brother that is weaker
Let me think more of my neighbor
And a little less of me
Let me be when I am weary
Just a little bit more cheery
Let me serve a little better
Those that I am striving for
Let me be a little meeker
With the brother that is weaker
Think a little more of others
And a little less of me
-Glen Campbell
Sad about the decision they made, but sounds like you are making the best of it.
ReplyDeleteWe as a church are lesser for losing you. You are a treasure.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. The church is wrong. And it hurts us all.
ReplyDeleteYou are not less because of this. You are more because you stood up for yourself and who you love. No church who does this to good people deserves any authority over you. You are free to be you. God does not need an intermediary. Meditate, and you will find he was always there, waiting for you to become who you are--a person free of chains of a godless organization.
ReplyDeleteSad
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is I am truly sorry! tI hurts many of us very deeply. Stay strong! We will carry the fight on.
ReplyDeleteSuch lovely thoughts at a particularly distressing time. I'm lifted by your words and saddened going forward. What does this mean for the rest of us who are navigating our own faith journeys and feeling betrayed by your betrayal.
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ReplyDeleteIf you still truly love the church and want to be part of it, I think you should show up every Sunday (with your wife if she's interested) and sit there like any other couple. Maybe if enough gay couples did this the church members might eventually see you are all are just ordinary people like they are.
ReplyDeleteNo lover is worth more than The Lord. Break off the relationship, repent and return. Eternal life is better than temporal gratification. Come back. Returning is the right choice.
ReplyDeleteDon't assume to know how the Lord feels about Wendy and Kim. Mosiah 4:9 Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend..... God created them and they are Perfect just as they are! He will be the final judge that is not your place to tell someone to repent. Man can not comprehend what God can...He is the only one that has the Power and Wisdom.... Are you married? Break off your relationship and give up your children & your family and then you can get a small glimpse of how she feels with what your asking her to do. He that cast the first stone..enough said!
DeletePS Who is Actually Textual anyways??? Yea that's what I thought ...people can say rude ignorant things when they hide behind a fake name and a keyboard!
DeleteI'm so sorry. I pray you will have peace as you navigate this new chapter. The church lost a woman of valor when they chose to walk away from you. What a sad decision of theirs. Shame on them.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I feel WITH you and it is heartbreaking.
ReplyDeleteI am still in the fold because I was born straight, which is not a fair fact, and I will always and ever think of you as a sibling.
I do hope, pray and wait for the LDS church to treat us alike as we strive to be perfected; the never married, the married, the divorced, the re-married. Straight and gay. One is no better than the other is and severing you from "us" is wrong. Dear church: Draw a wider circle. Include. Love.
We have not met, but thank you for this sad, beautiful post. I am a better person for reading it. May your wounds heal. May your life be bright and full of joy. The loss is ours - our communities’ - may we grow wiser from your gracious example.
I enjoyed reading your thoughts. It is so hard to be excommunicated, especially when the church community is such an integral part of one's life. Your post reminded me of my own excommunication (which I blogged about here: http://gayldsactor.blogspot.com/2009/06/excommunication-or-up-and-away.html). I must say that in my own experience, excommunication was painful at the time, and I felt a real sense of loss. However, in the years that have followed, life has become so much better and happier outside of the "Mormon box." I still have a great love and high regard for the religion in which I grew up, but I've found such a deep peace in my life since being excommunicated, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father is a very good one. I wish you the same on your own journey. It sounds cliche, but "it does get better."
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