This Is Me

I am, first and foremost, just me. I am a daughter of God, and learned several years ago what that means to me. I saw myself, at least a glimpse of, the way my Father in Heaven sees me. It was a wonderful, sacred experience.

I have never wavered in my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know God has a plan for me, for all of us. I know this plan, called the Plan of Salvation, is real. As real as anything. I know my Savior lives. I know He has established His church once again on the earth and it is led, as He has always led it, by Apostles and Prophets. I know obedience brings peace and blessings. I also know it isn't always easy to be obedient. Which is why the Savior came to the earth, lived a perfect life, and then took upon Himself all the sins of mankind. Why He performed the Atonement, suffered in the garden and died on the cross. I also know He rose again, and because of that, we all will.

I know we have all been given the wonderful gift of agency. We fought for it in our pre-earth life. It is this gift that allows us to learn, and grow, and change, and make mistakes, and choose differently again. It is this gift that I exercise everyday. I have a choice. And my choice has always been towards my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by the LDS church.

Early on in my discovery of my orientation, even before I really understood it, or accepted it as real, I knew that I did not choose it. At the same time, I knew that I could choose how to respond to it. Because of my testimony and beliefs and knowledge of the Gospel, and the purposes of life, I knew that I could never leave the church to pursue a gay lifestyle.  I never imagined I would even have what constituted a partner. And when I found myself in that place, with a person I truly loved, I still chose to follow God's laws.

I have never regretted choosing the gospel. I can't imagine I ever will. It is me. It is who I am. I am a part of it and it is a part of me. But some days are hard. Not hard to stay true to my testimony, but hard feeling more isolated and alone than I'd like. Some days I feel very at home in a group of LDS folks, other days all I want is to surround myself with a group of lesbians. Or a group of people who know me - my testimony and my orientation and are okay with both.